Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

When are you having babies then?

89 replies

dropitlikeitsloth · 28/11/2021 20:29

How do you cope with this and questions like this?

I’m actually dreading a family wedding that’s coming up soon because of this question.

No one knows we are trying (and have been trying for a long while now) and not succeeding and its been quite upsetting and I just don’t want to deal with these questions.

Unfortunately a lot of my family can be pretty tactless and I know it’ll be brought up.

The last social gathering I went to was with DP and some of his work colleagues and one of them said, ‘you both having children soon?’ looked at me and then said ‘or are you barren?’ and just laughed and the other men around just laughed along too. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so humiliated. I ended up crying about it that evening as it really upset me.

I want to be able to breezily say, ‘oh not yet’ and just let it pass over me but it’s such a sore point at the moment (I thought I was pregnant recently but wasn’t) I feel I’ll be on the edge of bursting into tears all day if someone brings it up.

I know I probably need to get a grip but I’m just a bit sensitive and things are a bit raw at the moment. I’ve thought about not going I’m so anxious about it. I just wish people wouldn’t ask, it feels pretty insensitive when people don’t know what others are going through.

Any thoughts would be appreciated Blush

OP posts:
acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 29/11/2021 19:51

@ShirleyPhallus it's not meant to come across as funny

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 29/11/2021 19:57

Like pp said, that question should be banned! It's such a personal question.

I'm a single parent and people constantly ask me "are you going to have any more children? Do you want anymore children?" I'm a skint single mum, how the bloody hell do they think I can magic up more babies?! Someone asked me last week and I cried all morning when I got home. I'd love to have more children but it's clearly not happening for me.

I've started giving a sharp reply and then quickly changing the subject to something more positive.

ItsSunnyOutside · 29/11/2021 19:58

It is a very rude thing to ask. It happens to lots of women op, you are not alone in finding it insensitive.

Dhs mum has asked a few times if we are going to have another dc and to 'hurry up' and get on with it. She even asked if we were trying and that our dc shouldn't be an only child. Dh responded calmy and explained to her why its insensitive to ask anyone that question and it is very intrusive.
His dm seemed abit taken back but hasn't asked since, so she took it on board.

I've also had a neighbour and strangers ask similar questions.

There is nothing wrong with politely saying 'ooh thats a very personal question to ask someone, I'm not going to answer that' and change the subject
It instantly puts an end to the question and they will get the message pretty sharpish.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LondonladyTTC · 29/11/2021 20:02

We usually answer with 'we aren't sure but definitely not in the next 9 months'

It is an awful question!

mummatobeat33 · 29/11/2021 20:08

I gave up lying in the end and admitted that we had had a miscarriage and had been trying for years. It soon made people squirm and realise how inappropriate a question it was. We luckily were blessed with our daughter in jan of 2021 and the comments we got of "well we all know what you were doing during lockdown" actually it took us four years so sod off

CathyorClaire · 29/11/2021 20:40

Totally with you, OP. It's horrendously rude and intrusive.

MIL asked us this outright and so did some random stickybeaked earth mother at the church we were deluded enough to attend at the time.

I think we just blathered then. These days I'd ask what happened to their filters.

RedToothBrush · 29/11/2021 20:43

"What and have kids as awful as yours? No thanks"

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/11/2021 20:44

“Mind your own business” ?

BackBackBack · 29/11/2021 21:29

@RedToothBrush

"What and have kids as awful as yours? No thanks"
Thread winner, right there!
Hobnobsandbroomstick · 29/11/2021 22:30

Commiserations OP. I have lost any patience with this question. I'm tempted to start reply ingto women who ask me about when I'm going to have a baby with "did you know 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, have you ever had one?". Probably a bit mean and petty, but they are asking a very personal question.

The guys who were joking about you being barren are awful, hope you told your DH.

Also follow someone called "itsannabeljane" on Instagram.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/11/2021 23:04

‘If you’ll forgive me for not answering that question, I’ll forgive you for asking it.’
Works for other things too, like anything money-related.

Original poster
dropitlikeitsloth · 30/11/2021 08:31

Someone actually said the words ‘or are you barren’?! Jesus, what is wrong with people.

Yep Sad Ugh I’m getting teary now thinking about it, what’s wrong with me! It was the laughter afterwards like he was so pleased with himself and his stupid minions. DP was so shocked he didn’t say anything and I just walked off. I should’ve called him out on it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
dropitlikeitsloth · 30/11/2021 08:35

I just want to say I’ve read all replies but just can’t reply to every one. Thank you everyone, I feel a bit more ‘armed’ now (why should we need to be armed with responses but then that’s another discussion) it’s comforting but utterly utterly awful that other women have gone through this too - a lot of the time from other women. Why do we do this to each other?

I’d say can we all make a MN pact to never ask this question but I’d be preaching to the choir on this thread. You’ve all been lovely thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Sleeplessem · 30/11/2021 17:39

@dropitlikeitsloth

Someone actually said the words ‘or are you barren’?! Jesus, what is wrong with people.

Yep Sad Ugh I’m getting teary now thinking about it, what’s wrong with me! It was the laughter afterwards like he was so pleased with himself and his stupid minions. DP was so shocked he didn’t say anything and I just walked off. I should’ve called him out on it really.

Don’t get upset OP, that sort of comment is vile on so many layers and says far more about the prick that said it than it does about you! In the moment it’s almost impossible to come up with a witty retort as it’s just flabbergasting that someone could be that rude! I mean even the word barren Confused Flowers Hugs of solidarity! Flowers
CathyorClaire · 03/12/2021 21:21

even the word barren

Can't say how much I detest that archaic and unscientific term.

I still want to slap the person who aimed it at me thirty odd years ago and they've since died

violetbunny · 03/12/2021 21:49

"I'm not sure, when are you next planning to have unprotected sex?"

ISeeTheLight · 03/12/2021 21:59

I am very straightforward and have zero issues on calling people out. So I'd tell them the truth. "Actually we've been trying but unfortunately it's not that simple for everyone. " They won't ask again.

cheeseislife8 · 03/12/2021 22:03

@RedToothBrush

"What and have kids as awful as yours? No thanks"
I'm using this from now on!

I hate this too, we get it a lot. I've never quite worked out what to say, usually a subject change and an awkward silence

Touty · 04/12/2021 23:27

I just say that we are happy as we are.

Monday55 · 04/12/2021 23:51

We used covid as an excuse. We say we will start when covid is over.. 18months later and the excuse still works.

We are obviously now pregnant but it's early days and no one knows yet.

23MinutesfromTuIseHill · 05/12/2021 01:20

Some people need thrashing with nettles. The blokes saying 'barren' need modification with rusty gelding shears.
If poss ble, smiling brightly and saying 'You'll be the last to know' is a good one. (The question wasn't an issue for me but was for friends, for whom I still feel furious after decades).

MrsGatsby99 · 05/12/2021 07:01

A lovely friend of mine used to reply, "Do i want children, you ask? No, they're disgusting' (with a hint of a smile but in a firm tone) to insensitive and rude people like that. It took their power away and usually made them look a bit in awe of her. Then she would change the subject and say sth like, anyway, tell me about you...this was at parties and things. You don't have to share everything with anyone and owe rude people nothing.

In fact they were going through IVF and her close friends knew but she didn't want to share that with every virtual stranger.

The IVF was successful by the way.

You have to be in the right space mentally to do that though. I would say something like that to an idiot like the man who said, 'are you barren?' I mean, that is a horrible word anyway. And then just get on with your life and ignore cretins like that. Sorry, angry on your behalf.

IWasHotInTheNineties · 05/12/2021 07:13

It’s so bloody rude to ask.
I would use it as an opportunity to shock people.

‘Are you having kids?’

‘No we hate the ugly little shits and their freaky little faces’
‘Yes but only for the child benefit money’
‘I am having sex in a min I will come back and tell you what happens. Or you can watch’
Grin

Twizbe · 05/12/2021 07:34

We tried for 2.5 years for our eldest. I hated that question. I NEVER ask anyone about their reproduction plans because I know how terrible a question it can be.

For a long time we'd just say 'some day maybe' but after 2 years I was just honest. I'd say we're trying but it's not happening. That tended to shut people up.

SGChome20 · 05/12/2021 08:00

I hate this with a passion. Eventually I started saying ‘don’t know, not sure if we even can!’ Some people still couldn’t read between the lines though because some people are so bad at reading the room.

Swipe left for the next trending thread