When are you having babies then?

[dropitlikeitsloth]

How do you cope with this and questions like this?

I’m actually dreading a family wedding that’s coming up soon because of this question.

No one knows we are trying (and have been trying for a long while now) and not succeeding and its been quite upsetting and I just don’t want to deal with these questions.

Unfortunately a lot of my family can be pretty tactless and I know it’ll be brought up.

The last social gathering I went to was with DP and some of his work colleagues and one of them said, ‘you both having children soon?’ looked at me and then said ‘or are you barren?’ and just laughed and the other men around just laughed along too. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so humiliated. I ended up crying about it that evening as it really upset me.

I want to be able to breezily say, ‘oh not yet’ and just let it pass over me but it’s such a sore point at the moment (I thought I was pregnant recently but wasn’t) I feel I’ll be on the edge of bursting into tears all day if someone brings it up.

I know I probably need to get a grip but I’m just a bit sensitive and things are a bit raw at the moment. I’ve thought about not going I’m so anxious about it. I just wish people wouldn’t ask, it feels pretty insensitive when people don’t know what others are going through.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

I would turn it back on them and say 'why do you want to know'. Let them explain why they want to know. Or else you could smile and say 'wouldn't you just LOVE to know'. Saying that it is personal may make them think they have hit a nerve. If they are such gossips you don't want to give them any more info. A good answer to a male is Why? are you offering? and laugh.

It is so hard isnt it! I am surprised by how persistent some people can be. The best responses i have heard have been on the lines of 'Its not always in a couples control' or 'its not that simple for everyone'.

That’s horrendous. I’d fully expect to be hauled in front of HR if I joked about a colleagues’s partner’s fertility!

I go with the “did you know you’ve asked a very personal question that some women would find very upsetting. That’s brave of you” approach. Followed by the death stare.

YANBU at all.

“What’s it to you?”
Or

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

Or if you want to be rude back, “I don’t know when we’ll be having children. When is yours due?” and point to their stomach, regardless of whether they are male or female.

"Did you mean to be so rude?!" And walk away

@BleuJay actually your response is the best. You win!

@acupofteamakeseverythingbetter

"Did you mean to be so rude?!" And walk away

Please don’t use this line, it really isnt the witty, pithy retort that MN thinks it is!

If it's a bloke, ask when his last erection was and if he's had a sperm count done lately.

If it's a woman, ask when she's due.

That’s so rude.

I’d be tempted to say ‘none of your bloody business!!’ but I am quite blunt.

Or ‘never you mind!’

But I like ‘that’s quite a personal question’ too:

Massively insensitive. How do people not realise that?

I started off being polite and saying maybe one day etc. Ended up so fucked off with it that I ended up giving the honest answer that we had 7 miscarriages so i had absolutely no idea, looking them dead in the eyes. It actually made me feel a bit better seeing them become more and more uncomfortable as I waited for the response. Quite therapeutic.

I'm asked all the time by nosey colleagues and my reaction is generally 'fuck no I can't stand kids' which tends to shut them up quickly.

In reality we stopped using contraception over a year ago and no sign yet.

If and when we are lucky, my response to the inevitable 'but I thought you hated kids' will be 'you didn't really expect me to honestly discuss my private life with you, did you?'

"You'll find out when they arrive."

I’d look surprised and say something like, “wow, that’s a really sensitive subject!” - it doesn’t give away anything about your personal circumstances but hopefully most people would be shamed into not probing any more.

@ShirleyPhallus oh, why can't that response be used?

A friend told me to say DH was impotent. I did it once & no-one ever asked again. 😳

I think a simple "that is none of your business" is enough. If they're rude enough to ask the question, then a blunt reply is perfectly acceptable.

And your DP's colleagues should be ashamed of themselves, I think that's appalling. I hope your DP gave them a bollocking for that, and I echo whoever said that's something for HR. Utterly crass. I'd have felt humiliated too but pricks like that would brush it off as "banter" no doubt.

[quote acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]@ShirleyPhallus oh, why can't that response be used? [/quote]
It’s trotted out on here like the mic-drop of witty retorts, but in reality if you used it you just sound like a bit of a plank. It’s not that funny or original

Just say in your best Shrek voice 'Its on my to do list' then laugh and say 'thats a lovely blouse!' hopefully that will be the end of it, they are probably just making small talk and not actually interested anyway.

I would go with the puzzled look, pause for a second, say "what an odd question", let that hang for a bit and then walk away/change topics.

Alternatively "Sorry, no, trying for pandas."

Polite option: When we get round to it. Anyway, how are things with XYZ?

Direct option: That's none of your business, shall we talk about something else?

Nuclear option: Well we both prefer anal sex so it's a bit tricky really.

I got fed up with being asked and one day, after repeatedly fobbing someone persistent off I finally cracked and said "Actually we won't be having any because I am infertile and we have decided not to pursue treatment". Subject never came up again.

I have no idea why people ask these questions. Personally I had someone who works in a local shop constantly telling me that my son needed a sibling, we should have another child as he is so cute ect.
We were trying for another but had just had a 3rd miscarriage in 9 months. I kept responding with one day or when he's a little older bit she wouldn't stop so I just point blank told her to stop asking about my son having siblings as its rude plus as it stands he does have 3 siblings but they are all dead.
The colour literally drained from her face and she was so apologetic but I don't think she's asked anyone else since

Ugh! I feel exactly the same as you! I have 1 DC but have been trying for number 2 for a while and I am actively trying to avoid situations where people might ask.

My husband said people in his work (mostly men) even ask him bizarre!

Just reply, 'well hopefully i will be next time dp cums inside me' ask in inappropriate question...

Someone actually said the words ‘or are you barren’?! Jesus, what is wrong with people.

My husbands family were like this, they even started saying I was infertile because I’m ‘outside of the family’ and from a different ethnic background. So hugs of solidarity, it’s shit and people are crap.

So depending on how sassy you feel, I have a few answers that I used to use.

Said with sarcastic enthusiasm ‘well when we start trying, you’ll be the first to know!’

‘We’ve actually been trying for a while now and it’s just not happened and you asking is really hurtful’ followed up with ‘ I hope we’ve all learned something about inappropriate questions today’.

‘Not thought about it yet’

‘Sorry but I find that quite an inappropriate and incredibly personal question’

Response to you’re not getting any younger :

‘Wait, I’m not?’ Again with a huge amount of Sarcasm

‘Oh we should get on it then?’ To which they’ll probably say yes… then say ‘excuse me whilst I relay to my husband that we must have unprotected sex tonight as a matter of urgency’ get up leave and don’t come back :)

‘Well that’s for us to worry about, not you’

If you wanted to you could actually pull them up in that whole misogynistic ‘womens fertility falls off a cliff at 35’ crap. That study was based on poor women in like the 1800s, there is a decline but it’s not as drastic as those studies paint.

You’re not being overly sensitive, it shouldn’t be acceptable to ask that sort of question out of the blue.