When are you having babies then?

[dropitlikeitsloth]

How do you cope with this and questions like this?

I’m actually dreading a family wedding that’s coming up soon because of this question.

No one knows we are trying (and have been trying for a long while now) and not succeeding and its been quite upsetting and I just don’t want to deal with these questions.

Unfortunately a lot of my family can be pretty tactless and I know it’ll be brought up.

The last social gathering I went to was with DP and some of his work colleagues and one of them said, ‘you both having children soon?’ looked at me and then said ‘or are you barren?’ and just laughed and the other men around just laughed along too. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so humiliated. I ended up crying about it that evening as it really upset me.

I want to be able to breezily say, ‘oh not yet’ and just let it pass over me but it’s such a sore point at the moment (I thought I was pregnant recently but wasn’t) I feel I’ll be on the edge of bursting into tears all day if someone brings it up.

I know I probably need to get a grip but I’m just a bit sensitive and things are a bit raw at the moment. I’ve thought about not going I’m so anxious about it. I just wish people wouldn’t ask, it feels pretty insensitive when people don’t know what others are going through.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

The barren comment is awful, I'm so sorry someone said that to you.

It took us 3.5 years to conceive and in that time I was asked soooooo many times 'when will you have a baby?'
I can't remember what I said every time, but never the truth because like you I didn't want to share that personal information.

Since we were lucky to succeed with our 3rd IVF I have been very honest and out right asked people to never ask their friends this question.

How awful for you.

I’m childfree and hate the question as well. Some times I feel like asking them ‘and how’s your sex life going?’

Can I ask if people feel the same about “do you have children?” Since I had my daughter I’ve found I ask this automatically, when I mention her to someone and they asks me a question about her, I often answer and then ask them. In my head I’m being polite but if they say no (which they often do) I feel really terrible in case I upset them.

@Newmum29

Can I ask if people feel the same about “do you have children?” Since I had my daughter I’ve found I ask this automatically, when I mention her to someone and they asks me a question about her, I often answer and then ask them. In my head I’m being polite but if they say no (which they often do) I feel really terrible in case I upset them.

In my opinion, I never ask until people offer something that’s makes me sure they do but as a question ‘do you have children’ is ok as long as if it’s ‘no’ there’s no follow up. E.g.

I have had:

Do you have children?
No.
Why, do you not like them?
Me:

That sort of interaction is upsetting and antagonistic snd just weird. I’ve said ‘no we don’t want to be tied down’ a few times as it’s easier and I think we’ll, if you’re happy to question my life choices I’ll put it back on you and question yours but then I get annoyed at myself for having to justify and explain a response in the first place.

Some of the suggested responses on here are much more rude than the question itself. No need to be so aggressive. People aren't deliberately trying to make you feel bad, they're just filling conversation by asking a question that has been asked of married couples for years. I'd stick to "no we're not trying but that's a very personal question to ask. When we have some news to share we'll let you know but please don't ask again"

@Newmum29

Can I ask if people feel the same about “do you have children?” Since I had my daughter I’ve found I ask this automatically, when I mention her to someone and they asks me a question about her, I often answer and then ask them. In my head I’m being polite but if they say no (which they often do) I feel really terrible in case I upset them.

I can’t have children and I don’t mind that question at all. The implication there is that some people do and some people don’t. I don’t find it any different to ‘do you have any pets’. ‘When are you going to have children’ implies that having children is the only proper way to do things. Also that it’s something you haven’t thought about independently. It’s too intrusive.

@MilduraS

Some of the suggested responses on here are much more rude than the question itself. No need to be so aggressive. People aren't deliberately trying to make you feel bad, they're just filling conversation by asking a question that has been asked of married couples for years. I'd stick to "no we're not trying but that's a very personal question to ask. When we have some news to share we'll let you know but please don't ask again"

Someone literally asked OP if she was barren… think a little rudeness there is justified.

We tend to say we rather like disposable time and money, and that short of a major lottery win we couldn’t afford to continue x,y,z and have children.

Most of the time people ask it seems to either be entirely well meaning, but sometimes from people who after the above answer seem oddly resentful of the loss of time and money.

“ as much as I love riding your son/Cousin/friend (insert as appropriate) bareback, we aren’t quite ready for kids yet”.

@Newmum29

Can I ask if people feel the same about “do you have children?” Since I had my daughter I’ve found I ask this automatically, when I mention her to someone and they asks me a question about her, I often answer and then ask them. In my head I’m being polite but if they say no (which they often do) I feel really terrible in case I upset them.

If I'm honest the question would probably have upset me, but only because it would get me thinking again about how much I want them. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking that, it certainly isn't rude or anything.

I think very rarely does anyone intend upset with 'when are you having children' - I'm certain I probably asked it of people before I suffered with infertility.
Now I tell people our story and how much those kind of comments and questions hurt in the hope that they won't ask the next couple they see who've been married for a while with no announcement.

People aren't deliberately trying to make you feel bad, they're just filling conversation by asking a question that has been asked of married couples for years

Pfft.

Anyone rude enough to probe into such a sensitive subject these days 100% deserves any rudery they get. Even more so if the 'barren' word is snarked. Social norms and graces move on.

Can I ask if people feel the same about “do you have children?”

Just don't do it. It's really easy especially when there's so much more to discuss.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

‘If you’ll forgive me for not answering that question, I’ll forgive you for asking it.’ Works for other things too, like anything money-related.

Love this in theory. Elegant, pointed, effective.

In practice I would absolutely trip over my own tongue and end up saying 'forgive' one too many times

The question is so rude and I'm sick of it. I'm 48 but I'm told I look a lot younger. But some of them know how old I am, so I don't get why you would ask a nearly 50 year old menopausal women when they are having kids!!!??

The truth is I don't want them and I'm too old.

I just feel that sometimes they are jealous at our stress free uncomplicated lives.

I don’t have kids, and I don’t like being asked if I have them. I’m long-term single, which already makes me something of a social pariah in some people’s eyes. I feel like I need to offer a reason why in response, which is on me, I know, but like someone else said, there are a million other topics for conversation that don’t make someone feel shit about themselves.