I hate euphemisms for death

[Pebbles16]

I've had a very recent bereavement which is obviously quite hard but I am raging at the amount of people telling me that "dead" is an unacceptable word.
"Passing" and "lost" make other people feel happier. I didn't "lose" this person (it implies I may find them); "pass" is not so bad as it implies moving on, but - as someone who does not particularly believe a place to pass onto - makes it feel disingenuous.
I get that the concept of death makes people feel uncomfortable but why do they insist I am inappropriate in using the word (these are not people who are closer to the person who has died, obviously I would respect nearest and dearest terminology)

Thank you for your thoughts. It is interesting how people feel about language and I will listen to that radio recommendation. Thanks again

*I use the words death and died for my own bereavements. But it's not for me to dictate the word used for someone else's.

I am very aware that those of us who use the d words are in the minority. So when someone I know has a bereavement, I use what I know about them, their upbringing and their personality to work out what wording I should use. In general I prefer to wait and mirror what words they use themselves, but it's not always possible.

Someone else's friend or relative dying is not the moment for me to prioritise my own feelings about the use of language. My focus should be on comforting them, not satisfying my own thoughts on language.*

Couldn't agree with this more.

Sadly my OH died 2 months ago and I rewrote his death notice to include the word 'died' rather than 'passed on' or something like that. I would never say someone has passed . That's me.

My DSiL has always referred to him 'passing'. That's her. My kids seem to say a mixture of both. We all loved him very much.

Tbh right now in our grief, when it's very relevant , it doesn't really seem to be that important.

Sending my condolences OP. @Pebbles16

@chaosrabbitland In my experience, the after-life is a theory peddled by various religions in order to exert control over its believers.

It works on the basis of 'Do xyz in this life and you will be saved/ rewarded in the next one.' It's a mean of getting people to behave in a certain way.

A lot of people like the 'comfort' of believing that death is not the end.

I don't happen to believe there is anything after we die. I do believe that the love we show others lives on, as we pass it on to someone else through actions we have experienced through being loved ourselves.

If you want to believe there is something 'else' after we die, go on thinking that.

Personally, I find it more valuable to think that death is the end, and that it's up to us to make the most of every day we are alive.

@SpritzingAperol so sorry for your loss.

They're all valid, all used, and all toss all to do with anyone else.

But it IS to do with everyone too when these words are used in the media.

The newspapers and online media are increasingly using words like 'passed' so it's hard to avoid them. You see it a lot in the Mail online and I am sure it's young journos who are copying the US habit of using the word. It's never been mainstream in the UK.

I prefer passed because I believe their soul has passed on to the next life.

“Mantlemoose
I prefer passed because I believe their soul has passed on to the next life.”

But you don’t have to say “ passed” to convey that belief. The word “death” or “dying” does not mean the soul cannot go to heaven.

This is part of the Nicene Creed which is probably the central proclamation of the Christian belief in life after death.

    “he suffered death and was buried.
    On the third day he rose again
        in accordance with the Scriptures;
    he ascended into heaven”

This was something my dad and I couldn’t agree on when my mum died. He still insists that she has passed.

Irritates the fuck out of me, but I try to remember that his grief isn’t my grief. I wish he could do the same for me.

OP, I’m sorry that somebody you care for has died, I hope you have people close to you to help you remember them well.

I think you are entitled to say what you want as a bereaved person,

I lost my (see I’m doing it myself, I know) dh nearly 5 months ago and I also do say passed or died, it really does depend on my mood day to day, I know he’s dead and he isn’t coming back but sometimes I can’t cope with the fact I will never see him again

Sorry for your loss, I get people say stupid things, my one particular bug bear is …oh you’ve always got your memories, I do feel like telling them to fuck off, I want my dh innperson not the bloody memories!

'I'm sorry for your loss;' came in from America where they are even mealier-mouthed about death than we are in the UK. It's become such a knee-jerk cliche that on most occasions it's ceased to mean anything. It's sympathy on automatic pilot. I had a little lecture on etiquette from a posh aunt. Apparently the proper thing to say or write is simply 'I was so sorry to hear about X'. I've found this very useful. And I must say, speaking as a widow, some of the cards I got defied belief...

God! I hope Summerland's not true. It sounds as boring as fuck. I don't think my late husband would like it at all. No intellectual roughage and distinctly short of belly laughs. Bit of an ill-considered post to fling into the middle of several recently bereaved folk, in my opinion.

@Bideshi

'I'm sorry for your loss;' came in from America where they are even mealier-mouthed about death than we are in the UK. It's become such a knee-jerk cliche that on most occasions it's ceased to mean anything. It's sympathy on automatic pilot. I had a little lecture on etiquette from a posh aunt. Apparently the proper thing to say or write is simply 'I was so sorry to hear about X'. I've found this very useful. And I must say, speaking as a widow, some of the cards I got defied belief...

God! I hope Summerland's not true. It sounds as boring as fuck. I don't think my late husband would like it at all. No intellectual roughage and distinctly short of belly laughs. Bit of an ill-considered post to fling into the middle of several recently bereaved folk, in my opinion.

nope i often refer to the other side as the summerland , is the other side meant to be really really exciting like 24/7 parties lol ? its only an ill considered post when someone gets their knickers all in a twist because they dont like what they read , im sorry im not in the habit of continually refraining from saying what i think , otherwise no one would comment on mumsnet at all would they ? not sure how saying i believe in an afterlife is offensive really . as i dont force my beliefs on anyone i meet and i wouldnt correct and never have anyone whos refered to a loved one as dead , as if thats what they think thats up to them

I agree with you so much. I hate the term 'passing'. It sounds like a process rather than an event. I suppose that is to make it seem gentle and fluid. But when someone dies, however gentle the death, it is brutal for those who miss them

@chaosrabbitland not sure how saying i believe in an afterlife is offensive really . as i dont force my beliefs on anyone i meet

But surely you can see that telling people online who have shared their bereavement stories that you consider anyone who doesn't share your beliefs to be deluded, or worth your pity, is offensive in the way that you can see telling someone to their face that it is offensive? They only difference is, if you say it out loud in person you are more at risk of a slap, whereas online you can hide behind your keyboard?

Nobody has said that you are not entitled to your beliefs, or even ridiculed them. What they have pointed out, is that expressing your judgy views of anyone who doesn't share them, and inculcating them in your children, rather than bringing them up with open minds on the issue, is the problem here. It may be that I'm wrong about your kids and they have never thought to question what they have been told. If so fair enough - but I sincerely hope you don't tell them that anyone outside of your belief system is a deluded fool, and you extend the same courtesy of making it clear that everyone is entitled to their opinions.

I’m so sorry OP.

I can remember feeling the same way after a bereavement. Also the other feeling of being aware of how uncomfortable the matter made other people feel. It’s incredibly unhelpful to the grief process.

I once worked with a young lady who was very quiet but I will never forget her saying this to me after my father died; ‘people should talk about it because death is part of life for everyone.’ I think there are still an awful lot of needless taboos surrounding illness and death. Probably more now than there were at other times in the past, actually.

I say 'not alive anymore' ...

DH and I are very blunt about death but our financial advisors always seem a bit shocked and try to talk around it with fluffy euphemisms when we're planning various scenarios.

If with someone who is bereaved I do take cues from them though and wouldn't be so blunt if it was obvious they'd find that difficult. I agree with a PP though that euphemisms can be confusing - I've had to have some difficult conversations with DPs recently who have misunderstood euphemisms about a person's terminal illness to mean there was hope of recovery.

[quote VienneseWhirligig]@chaosrabbitland not sure how saying i believe in an afterlife is offensive really . as i dont force my beliefs on anyone i meet

But surely you can see that telling people online who have shared their bereavement stories that you consider anyone who doesn't share your beliefs to be deluded, or worth your pity, is offensive in the way that you can see telling someone to their face that it is offensive? They only difference is, if you say it out loud in person you are more at risk of a slap, whereas online you can hide behind your keyboard?

Nobody has said that you are not entitled to your beliefs, or even ridiculed them. What they have pointed out, is that expressing your judgy views of anyone who doesn't share them, and inculcating them in your children, rather than bringing them up with open minds on the issue, is the problem here. It may be that I'm wrong about your kids and they have never thought to question what they have been told. If so fair enough - but I sincerely hope you don't tell them that anyone outside of your belief system is a deluded fool, and you extend the same courtesy of making it clear that everyone is entitled to their opinions.[/quote]
i do take in what your saying , but to be fair im pretty blunt and i will say what i think . no one will be slapping me though as they will be getting hit first lol , i honestly have never encountered in my life someone who does not have some basic belief in the afterlife though to be fair , i tend to steer clear of narrow minded people if possible as its just negativity i dont need . i would avoid a conversation on anything i think im liable to disagree about something major , its just not worth the bad energy to me , as i said what i think about their views on whatever it may be and what banal mumblings i might be uttering to them are two different things , i still dont see how this makes me unpleasant or anything else for that matter , as we are judging people all the time on something . i bet half the people that have commented on this thread are quick to judge someone who refuses to have the covid vaccine for instance , and before everyone says oo thats different , no its fucking not its still judging , everyone is ok judging others until they think they are being and then they get the arse . i just dont give a fuck what people think of me really so thats the difference . . as for my daughter not questioning what shes been told , neither has the kid whos parent is telling it yeah when you die thats it mate , just total blackness , even though they dont know that either , theres a wee bit more evidence of life after our physical death than not that the way i look at it

I know it's just semantics, but I always think that 'X has died' sounds much more respectful than 'X is dead' - especially when talking about the relatively-recently deceased.

As a child, it took me quite some time to realise what 'late' meant in that context, when adults used it. I always thought it sounded very mean to deliberately criticise somebody and draw attention to their presumed poor time-keeping in their life, now that they'd died!

That said, I agree that it should be led by the bereaved person's wishes - I suppose that, whilst euphemistic and a little twee for many, 'passed away' is at least clear in what the speaker is conveying. Just 'passed' or 'passed on' are much less clear; saying 'has left us' or 'has/is gone' can potentially lead to very unfortunate misunderstandings, if people respond by saying what a dreadful, selfish pig they were to just up and walk out on you, before the really awkward bit where you have to explain that, actually, no, they've died.

I don't like it when I see "fell asleep" on gravestones. For goodness sake, why did you bury them then? Should have just waited for the poor bugger to wake up. Annoys me every time.

As we're discussing the wide spectrum of people's responses to bereavement, and finding some joint humour in slightly darker themes, I hope nobody minds my sharing this that I saw recently and found very funny indeed (as somebody else who has been recently bereaved) - with the suggestion that this person seemed extremely surprised to discover that they'd died!

@chaosrabbitland Fair enough, if you think having a different belief is being narrow minded, I don't think there is any point trying to explain how unpleasant what you said is. Nobody here has insulted you by the way, yet in your posts, you have called others "deluded fools", you pity them, and have said they are narrow minded, all because they don't have the same belief system as you. Maybe something to think about when you come across a thread where people are discussing the deaths of their loved ones and how they grieve.

I don't like it when I see "fell asleep" on gravestones. For goodness sake, why did you bury them then? Should have just waited for the poor bugger to wake up. Annoys me every time

That always makes me think of the Unfortunate Fing.

Fing was a Hamster. My sister brought it home, intending to call it Fluffy or Pixie or some other such cute name. My mother, who would hyperventilate at the thought of a sugar mouse, shouted 'You needn't fink you're bringing that FING in here' forgetting her fake posh accent in her annoyance.

The house had single glazing and no heating or carpets . One morning when I was about 4, Fing wasn't moving in its cage. Fing got taken out and poked at with the handle end of a wooden spoon, wrapped in kitchen roll and quickly interred round the side of the house.

My brother came home from work and she told him that 'your sister's rat fing's dead'. My brother: 'Are you absolutely sure? Hamsters can hibernate, you know. If we put the cage in the kitchen, the warmth might wake it up again'.

Mind you, this was the man who loved Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy (particularly the part about the proof of the non existence of God where He disappears in a puff of logic and the person is so pleased with himself at that, he goes on to try to prove black is white and promptly gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing) - and died himself on a sodding zebra crossing.

I always tend to say,that someone has died, or passed away,, passed away, meaning,that someone has passed away from living, and is now dead. I think that most people use these two sayings.

I prefer dead to passing, always reminds me of someone passing wind instead of having died.

@Pebbles16 - for you. I completely agree that euphemisms are unhelpful.

I recently walked through an old cemetery and noticed quite a few on the headstones so it's definitely nothing new. "Called home while motorcycling" was amongst the more confusing.

[quote GinJeanie]@Pebbles16 - for you. I completely agree that euphemisms are unhelpful.

I recently walked through an old cemetery and noticed quite a few on the headstones so it's definitely nothing new. "Called home while motorcycling" was amongst the more confusing.[/quote]
That one sounds like an accident report.