I hate euphemisms for death

[Pebbles16]

I've had a very recent bereavement which is obviously quite hard but I am raging at the amount of people telling me that "dead" is an unacceptable word.
"Passing" and "lost" make other people feel happier. I didn't "lose" this person (it implies I may find them); "pass" is not so bad as it implies moving on, but - as someone who does not particularly believe a place to pass onto - makes it feel disingenuous.
I get that the concept of death makes people feel uncomfortable but why do they insist I am inappropriate in using the word (these are not people who are closer to the person who has died, obviously I would respect nearest and dearest terminology)

@AttaGirrrrl

Why are so many people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ on a thread about the OP hating the euphemisms?

I don't think 'loss' is a euphemism in that particular phrase. When someone you love dies, you feel a loss. They are dead, so you are bereaved.

@AttaGirrrrl

Why are so many people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ on a thread about the OP hating the euphemisms?

Oooh, interesting question that has stopped me in my tracks while I thought about it.

I'm always careful to say something like 'I'm so sorry to hear that your loved one died' using the word died/dead.

But I do also say (at another point) 'I'm sorry for your loss', or similar, because to me that's different.

The first is recognising that a loved one has died and is no longer here. The second is expressing empathy with the loss the bereaved person is feeling because their loved one died.
Does that make any sort of sense?

I’m sorry someone close to has died OP.

After this thread I’m going to try harder to mimic the language of family members. However the other thing that frequently comes up on threads that include people who have been bereaved is most of them have said they prefer someone to say something rather then steer clear for fear of getting it wrong. Again that will be individual though.

Trying to untangle what “I’m sorry for your loss” means and it the phrase I normally use:
Not the sense of you lost something physical like keys or handbag.
Maybe more related to intangible

• loss of prestige,

loss of sensation (eg in fingers after an injury)

• losing heart when things are very hard.

I completely agree with your but don’t dare say died and dead anymore in public in case the person affected would find it rude.

I am very sorry that you have been bereaved recently. It is hard to get over and I don’t think one ever really does.

Both of your explanations make sense @ErrolTheDragon and @TambourineTimesThree, but the OP included the word ‘lost’ in her first post.

I’m sure no one meant any offence, but it seems really insensitive towards the OP. Like the OP, I hate the phrase ‘sorry for your loss’ as it implies the bereaved person has been careless

@chaosrabbitland

i dont believe in death or as someone has died because i have always believed we pass on to a summerland , a better place than this , we havent died , we have just left our mortal bodies and our spirits have moved upwards , im dont believe in organised religion , but i am spritual , it does personally make me cringe when i hear people say oh he or she is dead , but i dont say anything out of politeness , i just think poor deluded souls if that what they think in my head

obviously its up to people how they choose to think or term it , i dont use the term death or died when my now 13 year old was little , i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

I really wish I hadn't read this.

@MatildaIThink

I agree, they have not been lost, they were not left behind somewhere, they are not sleeping, they will not wake up, they have not moved on to somewhere else, they are not in a better place, they are dead.

My beloved dad died five months ago and I am still in the fug of grief; death is shit for the people left behind but let’s call it what it is.

Completely agree,OP. When my mother died I was quietly infuriated by all the frilly language surrounding her death and funeral.
Saying "passed" doesn't make it any nicer to deal with, so just say dead for goodness sake!

my beliefs are mine and i dont force them on anybody . if you choose to believe in an empty nothinginess thats down to you ' its very much your problem if you feel judged by it . just as its mine if people choose to dismiss my views as laughable . i dont have to respect your views or anybody else's for that matter . and that goes for any subject . what i think about peoples views are my own thoughts .i am polite enough not to tell people i think they are deluded .but in still entitled to bloody well think it im afraid !

@chaosrabbitland If that is what you believe then fair enough. I find some of your language distasteful though, considering there are people on this thread whose loved ones have died.

I don't like it when I see "fell asleep" on gravestones. For goodness sake, why did you bury them then? Should have just waited for the poor bugger to wake up. Annoys me every time.

@Fetchthevet
I've only every seen that on babies headstones and "born sleeping"

@chaosrabbitland

i dont believe in death or as someone has died because i have always believed we pass on to a summerland , a better place than this , we havent died , we have just left our mortal bodies and our spirits have moved upwards , im dont believe in organised religion , but i am spritual , it does personally make me cringe when i hear people say oh he or she is dead , but i dont say anything out of politeness , i just think poor deluded souls if that what they think in my head

obviously its up to people how they choose to think or term it , i dont use the term death or died when my now 13 year old was little , i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

You mean when according to you it's far from it, surely?

@Fetchthevet

I don't like it when I see "fell asleep" on gravestones. For goodness sake, why did you bury them then? Should have just waited for the poor bugger to wake up. Annoys me every time.

That is funny - and before the misery police wrestle me to the ground and handcuff me, my lovely dad only died five months ago so, genuinely, I have an agenda here.

Completely agree OP.

It has become dreadfully common now to use 'passed' for 'died'.

I think it's come from the US but can't be sure.

I know a lot of people who have a faith talk about 'passing on' [to another life and 'the other side' ] but if you aren't religious, there is nowhere to go.

It’s such a personal thing. I’m more like to use language such as dead or died but for some people it’s too difficult. Someone I know who lost a child could say passed but not died. It was too difficult for them.

@chaosrabbitland but that is your opinion. It's not a fact.

I do not believe in an after life. You do. Allow your kids to make up their own minds.

I'm with you 100% OP. My mum died when I had just nipped out for a bite to eat, having sat with her all day and fully expecting to carry on all night. As I got back, the nurse in charge at the care home called me over and said "your mum's just passed". For a split second I was confused before I realised she meant died. I still wish she'd said that but she was trying to be kind.

I then probably irritated the funeral director who kept referring to her 'passing away' by asking him to say 'died' instead, as my mum particularly disliked the euphemisms around death ( probably where I get it from!). He gave me a ' got a right one here' kind of look

I was asked by a fellow mum at the school bus stop what my husband does. I said not a lot he's dead. I hadn't meant to be so blunt but she put me in the spot.

I couldn't agree more. I can't stand it. They person is dead.

Totally agree OP, I always say died or dead when referring to my parents, passed gives me the rage. I always avoid any terminology when talking to someone else about their bereavement usually by saying I am/was sorry to hear about your Mum/Dad/DH.

Personally, I found dealing with other people’s reactions to my parents’ deaths one of the hardest things to deal with, like you had to comfort them with platitudes “at least he is not suffering anymore” “she led a good life”, so exhausting.

I will always fondly remember one woman’s reaction when I told her my Mum had died, I didn’t know her very well at all but when I told her a few weeks after when I bumped into her in town, she simply gave me a massive hug and said nothing, the most genuine reaction ever and thinking about it 15 years on makes me fill up.

Sorry for your loss.

I agree completely, I remember as a young teen family members talking about an uncle who had lost his leg and thinking he hasn't bloody lost it it's not down the back of the couch??

I will use the term passed away or no longer with us in the company of new people if they ask about my Mum for example, but you're right, it's to spare their feelings not mine.

It makes little difference to anyone else what term is used.
There are plenty I hear that I think are ridiculously twee on here but so what?

OMG yes! I hate it when people talk about death euphemistically. I am sorry for your loss though.

@chaosrabbitland

i dont believe in death or as someone has died because i have always believed we pass on to a summerland , a better place than this , we havent died , we have just left our mortal bodies and our spirits have moved upwards , im dont believe in organised religion , but i am spritual , it does personally make me cringe when i hear people say oh he or she is dead , but i dont say anything out of politeness , i just think poor deluded souls if that what they think in my head

obviously its up to people how they choose to think or term it , i dont use the term death or died when my now 13 year old was little , i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

In the words of my very dead brother, pity is best reserved for those that can't accept death and have to make up stories about it, not the dead, who won't have a clue about it - because they're dead.