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Original poster

I hate euphemisms for death

125 replies

Pebbles16 · 21/11/2021 20:22

I've had a very recent bereavement which is obviously quite hard but I am raging at the amount of people telling me that "dead" is an unacceptable word.
"Passing" and "lost" make other people feel happier. I didn't "lose" this person (it implies I may find them); "pass" is not so bad as it implies moving on, but - as someone who does not particularly believe a place to pass onto - makes it feel disingenuous.
I get that the concept of death makes people feel uncomfortable but why do they insist I am inappropriate in using the word (these are not people who are closer to the person who has died, obviously I would respect nearest and dearest terminology)

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 21/11/2021 21:06

Pass on is particularly irritating. I'm sorry for your loss.

AttaGirrrrl · 21/11/2021 21:08

I completely agree. I hated it when people told me they were ‘sorry for my loss’ after my miscarriage, or - worse - were ‘sorry I’d lost the baby’. I didn’t lose anything! I wasn’t careless or uncaring. My baby died. I’m really careful not to use that phrase with other people now.

I hope you’re okay Flowers

Shesaysso · 21/11/2021 21:10

Yes completely agree - I hate the terms pass/ lost, I will always say died when referring to my family member.

Bobsyer · 21/11/2021 21:15

I am sorry for your loss.

And I agree. DH always uses 'passed away' whereas I always use 'died', especially when talking to children. I think it's really important to use correct language there - although I will be led by the bereaved person if they are telling me rather than forcing them to use my preferred language.

Wildrobin · 21/11/2021 21:17

I have a quiet issue with ‘fallen asleep’ but I also party understand as so sadly these terms come up purely out of not coping with the starkness of death. So maybe if it helps the person grieving it’s understandable

MLMshouldbeillegal · 21/11/2021 21:17

I very much agree with you OP. Passed, passed on, passed over, passed away (ok so that's not quite so bad), departed, lost.

People are rubbish at talking about this subject, it's the last taboo. I'm sorry about your loved one's death OP and hope you're doing as well as can be expected given the circumstances.

MrsSkimpole · 21/11/2021 21:23

OP, I am sorry that someone you cared about has died.

Several people close to me have died, and I found euphemisms just added insult to injury. I know people are trying to be kind, really, but I just wanted to scream: "no - they haven't 'passed', or 'passed away', or 'passed on'. I didn't lose them, because I wouldn't have been that bloody careless."

However, as you say, I'd use whatever terminology someone else needed to hear who has been bereaved, even if I don't agree with it myself.

AttaGirrrrl · 21/11/2021 21:24

Why are so many people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ on a thread about the OP hating the euphemisms? Hmm

ftw163532 · 21/11/2021 21:25

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

When my mum first died I hated it when people used euphemisms because it meant I sometimes couldn't tell if they understood that she was dead or not. That was horrible.

I do think some people don't want to hear any hint towards the reality of mortality. I had people tell me I should act like I never had a mum and never talk about her so that other people wouldn't have to think about their own mum dying one day because I had mentioned my mum's death.

Those people are not part of my life anymore.

Do what you need to do. It's not your responsibility to make other people feel more comfortable about your bereavement.

DreamingOfTheSouthOfFrance · 21/11/2021 21:29

The Fortunately podcast on radio 4 is about death this week and one of the topics is the importance of using the right language around death. Well worth a listen. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0011sgf

Seaweasel · 21/11/2021 21:31

I say died and dead. I prefer it massively to any of the other terms. It is what it is. You can't change it by calling it something else. That said, if it was not my bereavement, I wouldn't be an arse about someone else avoiding the word. When my DCs were little, we had a flurry of family bereavements and had Grandma and Dead Grandma for a while.

chaosrabbitland · 21/11/2021 21:33

i dont believe in death or as someone has died because i have always believed we pass on to a summerland , a better place than this , we havent died , we have just left our mortal bodies and our spirits have moved upwards , im dont believe in organised religion , but i am spritual , it does personally make me cringe when i hear people say oh he or she is dead , but i dont say anything out of politeness , i just think poor deluded souls if that what they think in my head

obviously its up to people how they choose to think or term it , i dont use the term death or died when my now 13 year old was little , i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

WorriedMillie · 21/11/2021 21:34

A fair bit of my work involves dying, death and the aftermath, I’m always guided by the language the family uses, it’s so individual and it’s all ok.
Sending love to those who are struggling with the loss of a loved one Flowers

noodlezoodle · 21/11/2021 21:34

Flowers OP.

It definitely makes people uncomfortable - my mum died last year and I've heard very few people use the actual word, and a fair bit of foot shuffling from people when I use it. No one has dared to tell me off though!

If I'm talking to someone else who has been bereaved I'll follow their lead, and I wish people would afford me the same courtesy.

Seaweasel · 21/11/2021 21:37

I didn't mean that flippantly, she was very much loved, but the DCs used the terms when talking about the difference. I appreciate that it's not for everyone.

makelovenotpetrol · 21/11/2021 21:38

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
I agree, I hate the terms too. My child was late stillborn - I didn't lose him anywhere, I grew and gave birth to him, I knew where he was the whole time. He hasn't passed anywhere, I don't even know what that would entail. He isn't an "angel baby", as I have no religious beliefs and my absolute worst is "born sleeping" which is widely used in the baby loss and stillbirth community - no he wasn't born sleeping because if that was true he would have woken up. He was born dead. He died.

I can only ever use those words - dead and died - because it's what happened.

ftw163532 · 21/11/2021 21:38

@AttaGirrrrl

Why are so many people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ on a thread about the OP hating the euphemisms? Hmm
In fairness, despite having posted myself about disliking euphemisms I nearly said it too. That's the only context in which I refer to death that way - mostly because I am very aware that my personal way of talking is more "blunt" than most people like so I try to start out less blunt until I know how that person will receive it - although clearly I need to be more mindful about it.
MrsFin · 21/11/2021 21:40

Listen to this week's Fortunately podcast. It's all about death and they say pretty much the same thing about euphemisms

ftw163532 · 21/11/2021 21:44

@noodlezoodle

Flowers OP.

It definitely makes people uncomfortable - my mum died last year and I've heard very few people use the actual word, and a fair bit of foot shuffling from people when I use it. No one has dared to tell me off though!

If I'm talking to someone else who has been bereaved I'll follow their lead, and I wish people would afford me the same courtesy.

It hadn't occurred to me before this thread that some of the awkward responses I get when I refer to my mum being dead might be because of my language as opposed to the mere reference to mortality which was what I had assumed.

Not going to change how I talk about her though.

makelovenotpetrol · 21/11/2021 21:45

@chaosrabbitland

i dont believe in death or as someone has died because i have always believed we pass on to a summerland , a better place than this , we havent died , we have just left our mortal bodies and our spirits have moved upwards , im dont believe in organised religion , but i am spritual , it does personally make me cringe when i hear people say oh he or she is dead , but i dont say anything out of politeness , i just think poor deluded souls if that what they think in my head

obviously its up to people how they choose to think or term it , i dont use the term death or died when my now 13 year old was little , i always taught her that all living things leave their body and pass on to the other side , i do feel a bit pity for kids who arent , no wonder some of them are scared of death , its a frightning subject as it is without making them think that when they do pass on thats it , just empty nothingness when its far from it

In your opinion it is "far from empty nothingness"

I would very much prefer that you don't feel pity for my children as they will be told that their brother died. Nor have you any right to call me a "poor deluded soul". My son hasn't gone anywhere else, there is no where else to go to. That is what we believe and what we will be saying to our living children.

I do not mind what you want to believe, even though I do not agree with you, you have every right to choose and follow what you think and I respect that.

However, saying that you would feel pity for my children because I won't tell them what you believe is the truth is sickening to me. How dare you judge me, a bereaved mother, to be deluded about what I believe has happened to my child. My dead child.

How bloody dare you?! What shocking disrespect, you appall me

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2021 21:45

I've had a very recent bereavement which is obviously quite hard but I am raging at the amount of people telling me that "dead" is an unacceptable word.

That's very strange. It would be weird for even one person to tell someone who's been very recently bereaved, how they should speak Confused

How many are we talking here OP?

AlwaysLatte · 21/11/2021 21:49

I think it's up to the person speaking about their own loss, to use whatever terminology makes them most comfortable.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/11/2021 21:58

Its confusing as fuck when its not your first language. Was so confused when dds nursery sent a message saying her primary carer had "slept quietly in" (direct translation to english). And if you ask for clarification you know that that could make the other person feel worse, because ultimately they will have been closer to the deceased than you. But youre not even sure if someone is deceased so then you have to go and find someone else to ask ...

stillcrazyafterall · 21/11/2021 21:59

I totally agree, my mother died earlier this year and I struggle with people saying she passed. I can just about cope with passed away, but I much prefer died!

HosannainExcelSheets · 21/11/2021 22:06

Because the English don't generally talk frankly and openly about death, there's a lack of expressions band language for it. I think that's why so many people have said "sorry for your loss" on a thread about not liking euphemisms for death. It's just a standard thing to say.

I am sorry someone close to you died. It's brutal and saying it in a twee or euphemistic way won't change that. Just keeping doing what you need to do to get through this time the best way for you.