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Original poster

Just found out I’m accidentally pregnant for the third time

100 replies

Weebeastiebaby · 21/11/2021 08:45

Hi, not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice or just a hand hold as I can’t talk to anyone else.
I have just found out I’m pregnant for the third time. I have two lovely children age 7 and 4. I had originally hoped to have three children and had asked my husband a couple of years ago if we should have another. He said he didn’t want more children so I accepted this and we enjoyed the ones we have.
I don’t react well to contraceptives so have been using a fertility app as contraception (I know, I know… not reliable) anyway something told me yesterday I should take a test. My period is only a couple of days late but I just had a feeling and two tests are definetly positive.
I haven’t told my husband yet because I feel he will be upset. He recently started a new job, took up some new hobbies and bought a new car (definetly not one that can seat 3 car seats!)
I also just took a new job which I am so excited about. It has a lot of training commitment involved and will be a big challenge for me.
I think my husband and I are just starting to feel we have a bit of our lives back after years of hard slog with hard jobs and young kids, paying hundreds of pounds for childcare and being exhausted. They are both in school, sports clubs and are happy and love each other.

I have such mixed feelings about this pregnancy. I am happy because I did want a third child but I feel the timing is all wrong. I am worried about my husbands reaction. I am scared of how I will feel if I don’t continue the pregnancy and have to go through a termination. I also feel massively guilty that others struggle to have children and I am now a woman in her 30s who has become accidentally pregnant with a baby I’m not sure I want.

Please anyone share and similar situations or advice and how things went. Please no judgement, am in tears writing this.

OP posts:

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 21/11/2021 08:51

I mean, he could have used contraception himself.
So he would be a massive A-hole to be mean about it.

I've been in your position. Very similar in fact.

Once DC was born I felt so so lucky that we were given the opportunity to have him.

If your DH is a nice person and a good dad, he will get over the initial gripe and adore his third child.

As will the baby's older DC.

Sparklfairy · 21/11/2021 08:53

The person that doesn't want a child in this situation needs to take their own responsibility for contraception. Its all very well saying you don't want another child but if he doesn't/hasn't/won't(?) use condoms or have a vasectomy then he can't be an arse to you about it.

SallyOMalley · 21/11/2021 08:56

This happened to me. We found out I was pregnant for a third time when I was 46. My youngest had just started school and I too felt I was just starting to find my feet again.

I just couldn't come to terms with the thought of starting over and I went through all the guilt, tears and mixed emotions too. We chose to terminate and, even now, it's hard to write that. I still feel incredibly guilty even though I knew our decision was the best one for our family at that time. Only close family know what we did and I have never told my friends. I know several have struggled to have children and I feel so bad with the decision we made in that respect.

However, I would say that you need to do what is best for you all right now. It is very hard and it isn't a black and white decision. Go easy on yourself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

Capricornandproud · 21/11/2021 08:56

First of all - life happens. Don’t waste time feeling bad for other women who can’t get pregnant, I know that guilt. Secondly, your husband should have had the snip if he is adamant he didn’t want anymore! Its hard to decide on something like this and you do have options. Sending a huge unmumsmetty hug 💙

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 08:58

Did he know you weren't using contraception? As long as he did, then he can't really claim it's your fault.

SirChenjins · 21/11/2021 08:58

Our third was unexpected - our other DC were 10 and 8, I was 37 and DH was 44 so it wasn’t really on our radar. We’d become more settled, financially things were more comfortable, we were getting our lives back (we have no family close by so we’d been completely on our own which had been tough with one thing and another).

Our happy surprise is now 14 - I can’t quite believe it - and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us. He brought a huge amount of joy and happiness, and the older two adore him - they really helped look after him and for the first time ever we had babysitters who were happy to look after him for pocket money as they all got older! It was an adjustment - I won’t lie - and financially we’re not quite where we wanted to be, but we’re fine.

That’s my story though - everyone is different and continuing or not continuing a pregnancy depends on so many different factors. You’ll be feeling a whole load of different emotions at the moment so don’t jump to a decision immediately - you both have a bit of time to chat through your options and decide what you want to do. Sometimes life takes us in directions we didn’t think we’d go, but somehow things work out in the end - whatever we decide.

HelloDulling · 21/11/2021 09:00

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Original poster

Weebeastiebaby · 21/11/2021 09:04

Thanks all for your very kind messages. I really was expecting to be scolded like the silly teenager I feel. I am going to wait for a quiet, child free moment and chat to my husband about it. We do have time to decide I know.
I was really excited to be able to focus on my career a bit more now the kids are both at school. I’ve always worked full time but felt I didn’t have to feel so guilty about it now they were a bit older. If I terminate because of my job situation it makes me feel like a horrible cold mother who only cares about her career. It is important to me buy I’ve worked hard to get a balance.

OP posts:

Rainbowsew · 21/11/2021 09:13

Yes your dh can't be annoyed if he didn't get a vasectomy. I'd have liked 3, but DH said no and took the matter into his own hands to prevent this situation.

I have no advice for what to do given your situation, I think I'd have always accepted the baby but I don't know and have no idea how DH would have reacted.

NewtoHolland · 21/11/2021 09:14

So assuming you both knew that you were using pretty innafective contraception then he can't get too grumpy about it.
I'm 5 months pregnant with a surprise number 3 and my littles are 7 and 3 so very similar to you, my midwife was quite reassuring and said she reckons 90% of third babies are a surprise!

Onelifeonly · 21/11/2021 09:24

Just to say if you do decide to terminate, there's no shame there. Many women do, though they don't necessarily broadcast it. It's unlikely to be an entirely guilt free event of course, but you have the tight to make that choice for whatever reason you have. Not wanting to interrupt your career and feeling your lives have moved on are perfectly valid reasons. (Not sure why your husband is getting all the flack when he doesn't even know yet - sounds like you both had an arrangement to avoid conceiving, albeit one that is probably less effective than others)

BrieAndChilli · 21/11/2021 09:26

I’ve had 2 accidental pregnancies (was on birth control with both of them)
First one was with my 3rd child. We kept it and DS2 is now 11. It’s been hard over the years sometimes financially, sometimes practically and emotionally. My 2 are all close together (approx 2 years between each)

I then fell pregnant again when DS was 1. We made the decision to terminate and although it was hard it was definitely the right decision for our family. I wasn’t prepared for how ashamed I felt being a 30 something married woman with kids going to the clinic though. You have the image that abortions are mostly done by young girls with their whole future ahead of them. I felt like my reason wasn’t valid enough as I already had kids so another one would ruin my life!

IslaInthesun · 21/11/2021 09:29

No advice but hope it goes okay whatever you decide.

vitta · 21/11/2021 09:30

It sounds to me as if you could be quite happy about the surprise, but are scared of your husband's reaction. Please don't terminate a pregnancy for someone else's sake. I also easily feel scared of my husband's reactions and let it fluster me, so I really sympathise. But terminating a pregnancy is a huge thing - whatever you decide it will have a significant effect on your feelings and your life, self perception, confidence, everything. It wouldn't be right to let him control that decision for you, even indirectly. I'd say work out what YOU want - what your heart/gut tells you is right. Only then talk to him.

hellcatspangle · 21/11/2021 09:35

If I'd had an accidental third pregnancy I'd have terminated without a second thought, so I made sure it couldn't happen. That's what your husband should've done.

It's very early days, don't feel bad if that's what you decide to do. Good luck 💐

Greygreenblue · 21/11/2021 09:43

“my midwife was quite reassuring and said she reckons 90% of third babies are a surprise!”

I reckon your midwife is right. I am the 3rd and was a surprise, my husbands youngest brother (the 3rd kid was “not part of his fathers plan) and our own 3rd was also a surprise - granted she is also the twin of our 2nd.

Would we have had her otherwise? I don’t know but I’m glad she’s here. My parents don’t seem to mind me and husbands youngest brother is currently their dad’s favourite.

I do get not wanting to go back to the baby stage though. Mine are 7 and 5 and yeah kind of happy we are past that.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2021 09:44

Hmm. Well you both knew the risk of having unprotected sex, and neither of you using contraception or him having a vasectomy, so I’m surprised you’re so taken aback, you will both have known it wasn’t if it was when.

Just talk to him. It’s better than randoms on the internet.

CloseThePackWithAClickClack · 21/11/2021 09:51

The same thing happened to me. I am now 12W pregnant. It took me a few weeks to get my head around it and I was filled with anxiety as my youngest has SEN and it’s so hard, DH has a new very hard very long haired job. But I’m now excited. Everything happens for a reason is my mantra.

CloseThePackWithAClickClack · 21/11/2021 09:51

Houred!

Hospedia · 21/11/2021 09:58

I successfully used a fertility app alongside condoms for years as I don't react well to hormone based contraceptives (EDS). DH looked into getting the snip and our GP was an arse who said "tell your wife to get the coil instead" Thanks to a short term medication, my tracking was out one month (that same GP didn't mention that the medication could affect ovulation) and I ended up unexpectedly pregnant. I was dreading telling DH even though he's never given me any reason to dread telling him anything, I blurted it out one morning as he was leaving for work and said that we could talk about options when he got home, he told me straight away that if I wanted an abortion he'd of course support me with that but that he'd rather we kept it so thats what we did (and he got the snip a few weeks after the baby was born so it couldn't happen again).

alienbaby · 21/11/2021 10:02

Well it's hardly accidental is it? You weren't using contraception so clearly you (and he, presuming he was aware) knew there was a chance this would happen

If your children and partner are happy and doing well and you are excited about where your career is going then it sounds like you are blessed. In your shoes I would be looking at termination.

Whatever you decide your DP has no right or reason to be angry with you. Good luck OP!

Mamamamasaurus · 21/11/2021 10:05

Did your DH know you weren't using alternative protection?

The main question - what do YOU want?

October2020 · 21/11/2021 10:07

You didn't fall pregnant accidentally if you weren't using contraception

Original poster

Weebeastiebaby · 21/11/2021 10:07

Thanks all. I’ve successfully used this cycle tracking method for 4 years without fail! I recently had my covid booster (healthcare worker) and heard this can interfere with periods so I wonder if this could be to blame for my miscalculation. Besides the point, it’s done now.
I just told DH who laughed and said “I knew I should have got a vasectomy a couple of years ago” said he would get another test for me on his way home from work to make sure.
It’s good to know this situation is more common than I thought and that others have experienced termination at this stage in life. I (probably sounding horribly judgemental) always thought it was careless teenagers who had terminations and could imagine someone in my situation going through it but I now feel reassured that it’s definetly an option to think about.

OP posts:

alienbaby · 21/11/2021 10:11

You're a healthcare worker who thinks the withdrawal method is effective contraception, and abortions are for wayward teenagers only?

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