Just found out I’m accidentally pregnant for the third time

[Weebeastiebaby]

Hi, not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice or just a hand hold as I can’t talk to anyone else.
I have just found out I’m pregnant for the third time. I have two lovely children age 7 and 4. I had originally hoped to have three children and had asked my husband a couple of years ago if we should have another. He said he didn’t want more children so I accepted this and we enjoyed the ones we have.
I don’t react well to contraceptives so have been using a fertility app as contraception (I know, I know… not reliable) anyway something told me yesterday I should take a test. My period is only a couple of days late but I just had a feeling and two tests are definetly positive.
I haven’t told my husband yet because I feel he will be upset. He recently started a new job, took up some new hobbies and bought a new car (definetly not one that can seat 3 car seats!)
I also just took a new job which I am so excited about. It has a lot of training commitment involved and will be a big challenge for me.
I think my husband and I are just starting to feel we have a bit of our lives back after years of hard slog with hard jobs and young kids, paying hundreds of pounds for childcare and being exhausted. They are both in school, sports clubs and are happy and love each other.

I have such mixed feelings about this pregnancy. I am happy because I did want a third child but I feel the timing is all wrong. I am worried about my husbands reaction. I am scared of how I will feel if I don’t continue the pregnancy and have to go through a termination. I also feel massively guilty that others struggle to have children and I am now a woman in her 30s who has become accidentally pregnant with a baby I’m not sure I want.

Please anyone share and similar situations or advice and how things went. Please no judgement, am in tears writing this.

Natural Family Planning (using an app or otherwise) is a perfectly viable contraception method- 99% effective with perfect use, 76% effective with typical use. Compare it to condoms- 98% perfect use, 82% typical use, or diaphragms, 71% with typical use, or spermicide- 72% with typical use.

We wouldn't be berating OP if the condom broke or if her diaphragm or spermicide didn't work. Hormonal BC, IUDs, and other more invasive forms of birth control are not for everyone (they definitely weren't for me) and even those are not always 100%. Whether OP chooses to terminate or not, she wasn't stupid or foolish for using a perfectly sensible form of birth control and anyone calling her out for saying she "accidentally" got pregnant is being a jerk.

@Cordyceps

Natural Family Planning (using an app or otherwise) is a perfectly viable contraception method- 99% effective with perfect use, 76% effective with typical use. Compare it to condoms- 98% perfect use, 82% typical use, or diaphragms, 71% with typical use, or spermicide- 72% with typical use.

We wouldn't be berating OP if the condom broke or if her diaphragm or spermicide didn't work. Hormonal BC, IUDs, and other more invasive forms of birth control are not for everyone (they definitely weren't for me) and even those are not always 100%. Whether OP chooses to terminate or not, she wasn't stupid or foolish for using a perfectly sensible form of birth control and anyone calling her out for saying she "accidentally" got pregnant is being a jerk.

You do know she’s actually pregnant right?

@Bluntness100 please feel free to read what I wrote again, as your comprehension has failed (much like OPs birth control).

People are saying or implying that she was being irresponsible and should have expected to get pregnant because she used NFP instead of another method. My point is that NFP IS a viable method of birth control and she's no more irresponsible than someone who uses any of a number of other methods. They all have a chance of failure, and NFP isn't even the worst on the list.

It’s done now.
It’s both of your responsibilities to work out a reliable form of contraception that works for you both.
I terminated an accidental unwanted pregnancy for many reasons, dh was open to a fourth but ultimately my head and heart wasn’t. I have never regretted it, not once.

@Cordyceps talking about condoms breaking, I thought this was a myth until last year we had 2 in the same week I was devastated! I honestly never knew that this really happened!

We went though this and now she is the apple of our eye. My husband was so upset and then once he'd come to terms with it and seen that all was going to be fine, he was pleased. Sometimes, you don't get a choice in things and that not having control was what he found difficult. I really wish you all the very best and hope it al works out. For me, I'm pleased, I don't have that what if, feeling about having a third.

We had an accidental pregnancy. I was on the pill and taking it regularly, without contraception we are a very fertile combination so are very careful, I'm not sure what went wrong.

We've lost a baby before so although we briefly discussed termination it wasn't the right decision for us. Things are fine, we are pretty strapped for cash now we have 3 kids but it is what it is. The older kids love the baby and have really enjoyed teaching him things

The same for me. I'd had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and didn't want that again. My husband got the snip 6 months ago.

Thanks all for your wonderful and supportive messages and sharing your experiences. I feel so much better that I’m not alone in this experience.
My husband has been supportive, he agreed that we hadn’t wanted any more kids but says it’s ultimately my choice in what to do.
I don’t think to be perfectly honest that having wanted a third child for so long I could live with the constant wondering of what it would be like if I had not terminated the pregnancy.
Currently I am leaning towards keeping the baby. But like everyone says, I have plenty of time to decide.

As for those leaving very unhelpful criticisms of my contraceptive choice I am aware I have made an error in judgement here (although it did work perfectly wel for four years!) and yes I will look into being sterilised after this pregnancy if I am eligible for this (I am only 31 and I know sometime the nhs has age limits for this procedure) but the deed is done now so no point making me feel guilty for using ineffective contraception! I certainly won’t be recomending this method to friends going forward!
I’ve spent most of the day crying but am feeling a bit better now and am going to visit a close friend tonight who I think I might chat to about it.

@Weebeastiebaby you didn’t make an error in judgment! Natural family planning is a valid form of contraception and for typical use it has a similar success rate to barrier methods. Every form of contraception can fail. You were not foolish or stupid and you did nothing wrong.

I was in a very similar position earlier this year (in fact, our circumstances were almost identical to yours except our elder two are slightly younger than yours)

We live in a country where termination isn’t possible and COVID restrictions meant it would have been incredibly difficult for me to travel.

All I can say is I am now a firm believer in the cliche that everything happens for a reason. DC3 is 9 weeks old and one of the best things that has happened to our family. Yes, juggling three kids is hard. We desperately need a bigger car as we currently have to take two vehicles if we go out as a family and I’m worried about how we will manage three sets of school fees in the future (we don’t have access to state education)

But only you know what is right for you. Wishing you peace with whatever decision you make.

I was in a very similar situation.
Christmas 2018 DH and I both got very drunk, forgotten condom and boom: surprise baby number 3. DC1 was 3.5 and DC2 was 2 at the time. Needless to say I crapped my pants in terror at the idea of having another tiny baby when my other DCs were still so small. I went backwards and forwards with deciding what to do and did seriously consider termination. We knew that we eventually would have planned a third baby later down the line anyway, so continued with the pregnancy and had DC3 just a few years earlier than we would have planned.
Don’t get me wrong: parenting multiple kids in general is hard. But having DC3 wasn’t as hard as I’d expected. She slotted into the family routine without much jostling. She’s 2 now and is by far the most chilled out child of the 3! She’s one of those kids that’s just happy to go with the flow.
The worst part of preparing for an unplanned third baby was the car situation. We’d not long had a new car (well, new to us!!), and had to sell it and then hunt for another one that could accommodate 3 car seats - and you’d be surprised at how few cars can actually fit 3 seats across the back seats (not many options within our price range anyway!).

These apps are not an accurate way of determining patterns in your menstrual cycle, as everyone’s body is different, and other factors might be causing a perceived adjustment to your ovulation times.
Whilst it might appear to be an accident, as a couple, you both need to discuss effective contraception to avoid unwanted consequences, and not just rely on an app.
Conversely, my wife and I were using such an app to try and help find her most fertile time in the cycle. After plenty of bedroom (and other venue) action, primed for the “exact” window of opportunity, and nothing to show for our efforts, we just took things into our own hands, abandoned the information on the app, and just enjoyed each other as when the mood took us. Lo and behold, the app was woefully out of sync, regarding the conception date, when my wife declared her pregnancy to me. Now we have a most handsome baby boy and keep the app on my wife’s phone as a humorous reminder of its uselessness.

Absolute madness using an app. What did you expect?

@SandraOhh that's incredibly kind and helpful, you should be proud of yourself for that brilliant contribution. Well done.

OP that's a difficult situation for you. I'm sure you'll make the best decision for you, whatever that is.

Really feel for you, horrible position to be in, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant 11 weeks ago...my second unplanned pregnancy..and 7th child...the 6th unplanned one we went ahead with and I got sterilised during my c section...and yet here I am sitting 20 weeks pregnant with my 7th baby, at 42! I considered termination, mainly because of the health risks to myself in having a 7th pregnancy and 6th section, but ultimately it wasn't for me, I'm still unsure of my decision! Any method of contraception can fail, I really hope you make the best decision for you and your family, I hope it all works out!

@Sparklfairy

The person that doesn't want a child in this situation needs to take their own responsibility for contraception. Its all very well saying you don't want another child but if he doesn't/hasn't/won't(?) use condoms or have a vasectomy then he can't be an arse to you about it.

this. he didn't want a child so should have taken measures to prevent a child being conceived.

People who slag off natural family planning clearly know fuck all about it.

Same happened to me with exactly same aged DCs. They are all grown up now, best thing ever happened to me. Him and his nearest aged brother are best mates and see each other multiple times a week. He was lovely with him as a baby and old enough to entertain him in his bouncing cradle whilst I cooked ect. The youngest was a very happy child with a permanent audience. He was a bit of a clown, loved making his older brothers laugh........ Still does at 30🤡

@PyongyangKipperbang

People who slag off natural family planning clearly know fuck all about it.

I know that it's 76% effective (i.e. not very) because a number of factors can change cycle duration and catch you out. I know that the only friends I know who use it have had accidental pregnancies.

I know enough to caution people against it.

I've been in a very similar position to yourself... 2 daughters who were 12 & 9 at the time, a husband who was more than happy with 2 children & me, who had always wanted a third child but had decided it wouldn't happen & was concentrating on our two girls. I was on the pill (& had been taking it religiously as I had done the previous 9 years without incident) when we found out I was pregnant with our third child... once we got over the initial shock, we knew that we would go ahead with the pregnancy, despite it not being in the "plan". Our girls are now 16, 13 & 3 & I couldn't be happier - our youngest has completed our family & none of us can imagine life without her... she idolises her big sisters & in turn they adore her & are so good with her. I feel very blessed to be able to enjoy having a young child again & for my older two to enjoy the experience of seeing their little sister growing up. I know only you & your husband know what is right for you, however this is my experience & I wouldn't change it for the world.

Natural family planning method is actually up to 99% effective if used correctly. It says that on the NHS website, lots of people mocking it, but it seems like a change in your cycle due to the COVID vaccine is responsible.

I was in the same situation @Weebeastiebaby my girls are 5 and 7 and I felt complete. We also were using tracking app as our form of contraception which had been successful for 1 and half years. However I found out I was pregnant in September this year, I had such overwhelming anxiety about the pregnancy and could not see a way forward. I think I cried everyday. My husband had mentioned wanting another but said he was happy either way. I ended up having a termination and I regret it so much (not saying you would feel the same). Just take your time and think about both options, I’m just not out the other side yet as it has sunk me into a state of depression which I have never experienced before. It’s such a horrible position to be in, when I was so excited with my others ☹️

CW91 how are you doing? I'm in a similar position to you. Do you feel. More at peace? Xxxx

Weebeastiebaby did you come to a decision? How are you feeling now? I hope your life is moving in a positive direction. X