Just found out I’m accidentally pregnant for the third time

[Weebeastiebaby]

Hi, not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice or just a hand hold as I can’t talk to anyone else.
I have just found out I’m pregnant for the third time. I have two lovely children age 7 and 4. I had originally hoped to have three children and had asked my husband a couple of years ago if we should have another. He said he didn’t want more children so I accepted this and we enjoyed the ones we have.
I don’t react well to contraceptives so have been using a fertility app as contraception (I know, I know… not reliable) anyway something told me yesterday I should take a test. My period is only a couple of days late but I just had a feeling and two tests are definetly positive.
I haven’t told my husband yet because I feel he will be upset. He recently started a new job, took up some new hobbies and bought a new car (definetly not one that can seat 3 car seats!)
I also just took a new job which I am so excited about. It has a lot of training commitment involved and will be a big challenge for me.
I think my husband and I are just starting to feel we have a bit of our lives back after years of hard slog with hard jobs and young kids, paying hundreds of pounds for childcare and being exhausted. They are both in school, sports clubs and are happy and love each other.

I have such mixed feelings about this pregnancy. I am happy because I did want a third child but I feel the timing is all wrong. I am worried about my husbands reaction. I am scared of how I will feel if I don’t continue the pregnancy and have to go through a termination. I also feel massively guilty that others struggle to have children and I am now a woman in her 30s who has become accidentally pregnant with a baby I’m not sure I want.

Please anyone share and similar situations or advice and how things went. Please no judgement, am in tears writing this.

OP, it struck me that you look at yourself and your situation through other people’s lenses a lot, and how you would be judged;
How childless women would judge you
How your DH will feel
Whether people would consider you cold hearted and career focussed.

Try your feelings from the inside out. How do you feel in your heart of hearts? What do you want, deep in your own heart and mind, with no-one looking in? And anything you do feel is OK. There are no rights and wrongs, no shoulds or oughts.

There was a time you wanted 3, is that still the case?

If you could turn back time would you have abstained in the night the app was wrong?

Just focus on your own feelings.

I wish you well, whatever happens.

@alienbaby

You're a healthcare worker who thinks the withdrawal method is effective contraception, and abortions are for wayward teenagers only?

The OP said: Please no judgement, am in tears writing this.

But you thought you would kick her when she's down, anyway?

Nice.

I think you are being very hard on yourself here. Nothing about what you have said makes me feel you would be terminating because of your job situation.

You are, very rightly, looking at the whole situation and how having another child would impact on everything. This is only sensible.

It sounds like you need a few days and someone neutral to talk this through before you tell anyone else. Good luck.

I'm glad to hear that your DH's reaction wasn't a bad one, that's a good sign OP. You've got some time to chat and decide but only you can know what the best thing to do for your family really is.

I have three, all planned, but I completely understand the feeling of just getting your life back on track after what you think was the last baby. Three kids isn't much more work than having two (in my experience, I found it harder going from one to two), it's more a logistics issue (like car seats!) I have friends who have been very verbal about people having more than the traditional two kids, but if you decide you want to keep the baby and DH is on board too, I'm sure everything will work out in the end. Good luck with whatever you decide x

You did not “accidentally” get pregnant. You were not on hormonal contraceptives or using condoms.

@PinkMochi

You did not “accidentally” get pregnant. You were not on hormonal contraceptives or using condoms.

I think she means accidentally as she didn’t quite realise she could fall pregnant if she didn’t use contraception and just used an app. Some people don’t.

@EdgeOfTheSky

OP, it struck me that you look at yourself and your situation through other people’s lenses a lot, and how you would be judged; How childless women would judge you How your DH will feel Whether people would consider you cold hearted and career focussed.

Try your feelings from the inside out. How do you feel in your heart of hearts? What do you want, deep in your own heart and mind, with no-one looking in? And anything you do feel is OK. There are no rights and wrongs, no shoulds or oughts.

There was a time you wanted 3, is that still the case?

If you could turn back time would you have abstained in the night the app was wrong?

Just focus on your own feelings.

I wish you well, whatever happens.

Excellent advice.

I think it's really vital, if you are to get an unclouded view of what you want, to put guilt out of this. There's a very strong and, as we see here, very effective narrative that women should feel guilty for having or even contemplating a termination. I think you really need to try and get that out of the picture if you are going to get a clear sense of whether you, actual you, want this pregnancy to continue or not.

I have children, but I've also had a large number of miscarriages, and really it wouldn't have occurred to me to judge someone having a termination - how would her circumstances have any bearing on mine?

I do think that old feminist slogan 'every child a wanted child' is wise. If having another child would mean the loss of an opportunity you think you would always grieve, it's OK not to enter into that process. As I well know - precisely because of all those miscarriages - the life in you at this stage is potential only. There's not a 'baby' as such (even if some do identify with their embryo/foetus that way). It's OK to turn down another path.

And FWIW I am kind of also on the other side of this - no. 3 came along when the older two were 10 and 8 and wasn't a surprise as such but, after all we'd been through, the fact that I didn't miscarry her was, and it took a hell of a lot of getting used to. I did actually think about termination. I carried on with the pregnancy and she is utterly wonderful. But we have had as many children as our life allows. If I were to become pregnant now I would terminate without hesitation.

As soon as our last baby was out (I was still in hospital 😂) I asked DH to ring up and book his vasectomy appointment. Glad to hear your husband is blaming himself and not you!

It doesn’t really matter why you are pregnant, just that you are. Revisit your contraceptive choices later.

I can’t have children. I wouldn’t judge if you chose to abort, and I’m sure many other childless and childfree women would feel the same.

I am not "judging" the OP; just using my professional experience of this situation to make a point - it would seem it is a point that no-one wants to hear; but it is valid and based upon many years' experience.

The vast majority of women (95%) do not regret having an abortion

The Guardian

I used a "mental" fertility app (in that I'm pretty regular and kept track of things as I went) alongside a box of cheap pregnancy tests for years, and I was only comfortable with that because I was also 100% comfortable with having an abortion if I needed it. I did need one one time over 20+ years.
This is more for everyone else than it is for you - but remember that abortion is a morally neutral form of birth control and one or two early abortions is much easier on the body for many women than years and years of hormonal birth control and/or IUDs- (for me, for example, hormonal BC made me basically suicidal and my experiment with a non-hormonal coil was one of the most painful experiences of my life).

If you aren't fully prepared to have an abortion or have a baby, then you need to find a barrier or hormonal method of contraception you can live with. I just wish more women would stop torturing themselves about it and stop being overdramatic about abortion, especially in the early weeks.

You have a complete family, there is no guilt involved in a termination in your circumstances and it is very soon after conception.

@CloseThePackWithAClickClack a long haired job. Do tell!

@VeruccaSalty

The vast majority of women (95%) do not regret having an abortion

The Guardian

Exactly. Most women do not regret their decision to terminate as it was what was right for them. Also a vast amount of women who terminate are already mothers. And as for a gift from god, what a load of rubbish! OP don't listen to crap like that. You do what is best for you and your family, it is your choice and decision.

Op whatever route/ decision you come to, will you both be reviewing your contraception so you aren't put in this situation again?

My surprise third was conceived after using natural methods of contraception. My older children were at the stage where they were getting independent. I am so glad I had her. It was so easy to look after a baby with the previous experience. I was very shocked at the time though and my partner begged me to terminate.

I found myself in this position when my daughters were 3. I was using contraception but it clearly failed. For me there was no question in my mind and I booked a termination ASAP. It was the right decision for me and my family and I’ve never regretted it for a second.

Whatever you decide I wish you well x

@Ursulaforkandles

You have a complete family, there is no guilt involved in a termination in your circumstances and it is very soon after conception.

There should be no guilt involved in a termination in ANY circumstances.

"There should be no guilt involved in a termination in ANY circumstances."

Agree but emotions are not so easy to control. And for a lot of women it's not a fully straight forward decision.

Remember though OP you live in a place and time where you have full control over whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Many women, past and present, haven't had the luxury of choice. Make the right choice for you and your family.

I too found myself in your shoes with DC4. My contraception failed and I was so shocked. DH was better about the whole thing that I was, and we discussed termination as I am very pro choice.

We decided together to go ahead with the pregnancy, and it has been a wonderful experience for us. But I would have felt no guilt at all, if I had decided to go ahead and terminate. Either way, it's a very big decision.

Also, I was sterilized during the delivery (c-section). It's a game changer and our sex life is wonderfully carefree!!! Glad your DH has taken steps in this direction.

@Bluntness100 I think she means accidentally as she didn’t quite realise she could fall pregnant if she didn’t use contraception and just used an app. Some people don’t.

Even 12yo know that there’s a risk of pregnancy if you have sex and don’t use hormonal or barrier contraceptives! Pregnancy is only an accident if you are reliable with your contraceptive (eg. take the pill at the same time of day, have an iud or use a condom each time) and still fall pregnant.