My almost 3 year old runs riot when we are out

[Hogu]

I find it really stressful, most fo the time I can put him in his pushchair or a trolley but on occasions like this morning that's not an option and he runs round the shop picking up everything, dropping it, hiding, running up and down aisles like a lunatic.

How do I discipline? 3 times this morning I took him outside and warned him that if he didn't stop them we would go straight home, it worked for around 2 minutes then he begins again.
The tuts and disapproving looks are almost as annoying as his behaviour!

He's excited but uncontrollable!

How do people manage this type of behaviour? I don't want to be a shouter even though I feel like it sometimes and I know bribing isn't right but I'm pretty lost what else to do... please help!!!!

reins

Sometimes 3 yr Olds can just be shits. Maybe practice at home by playing shops. I get why you didn't follow through today & I would probably have resorted to bribery in the moment.

Always give clear instructions about how to behave before you arrive some where and when you are there. “We are going to the shop today to buy, milk, bread snd whatever. I need you to hold on to the trolley do you don’t get lost. You can beep the shopping through the payment machine at the end. Lots praise when going round the shop and keep chatting to him and give him jobs to do so he doesn’t get bored. Don’t go when he tired or hungry and mostly do online shopping.

@Hogu

Thanks everyone, it's clear I'm bloody clueless with discipline so thanks for making me feel that even more! 🙈

It wasn't supermarket shopping, it was meeting my elderly relatives for a little look around & coffee type shopping so I didn't want to leave early (we were only there an hour anyway!) and they like to see my DS so didn't want to leave him with someone else.

Will order reins tonight and try toughen up a bit😳!

Bribery is fine Takes toys books ipad

He was just being a child

DS was a runner when he was small. I tried most of the things on this thread and none of them worked. He was headstrong and unconcerned with what I said, threatened or did, the instinct to run riot was too strong!

I remember seeing a mother with a DS about the same age, walking along the pavement with him walking behind her and she wasn't looking back. I was agog! I realised her son followed her where ever she went so reliably, she didn't even need to check to see if he was there. I could never have done that!

I never cracked it. Eventually he grew out of it, at about 4.

Then I had DD. And everywhere I went, she followed. I realised it wasn't my parenting, it was their personalities!

I'm not saying not to try the things suggested here (and if I did it again I'd try reins sooner, I left it too late), but if none of them work, don't beat yourself up! You may have to just ride it out.

DS is now nearly 13, still headstrong but also kind, smart and an independent thinker - also practically un-bullyable as he just does not care what people think of him!

I've read through every response and really grateful for all (almost all!!) your advice.
Definitely going to stop with the empty threats and just be firm with the buggy or sit in trolley. It's been getting me down and I've felt a bit lost with knowing how to deal with certain situations but it all seems a lot clearer now.
I know I'm guilty of being too soft but by doing so I've been making myself unhappy.

Don't be hard on yourself OP, every child is different and every parent is different, it's just I expect a lot of us have been through the same and after much trial and error found something that worked! Sounds like you're doing great, just need to be firm and although children like pushing boundaries it ultimately benefits them to have consistent and fair boundaries in place.

My toddler and previous toddler (now age 5) love shops, the garden centre especially. They love the space, looking at things, paying, lifts, escalators, lights, displays and most of all touching stuff 😳

Oh I would say reins are not generally used on a 3 year old. I don't use now on my toddler. I used when she started walking until about 20 months. I'd say up to age 2 ish is ok, but you need to build some trust. Impulse control really varies in kids and develops quite late ( nearly school age), but exposure is key. They aren't going to learn how to behave by staying home all day.

@Tabbacus ❤️

We had something like this for DS
www.johnlewis.com/littlelife-ladybird-toddler-backpack-red/p5207700?sku=238898762&s_ppc=2dx92700064007605003&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=CjwKCAiA1uKMBhAGEiwAxzvX96pab2PGJO8YOic2CPiIXpBJLUIPGCR_hOqe27RP0Nfk8Fl0engVdRoCAbAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Drop the metaphorical 'stick' and try the 'carrot'. Say that you know he will be good in this shop, stay nearby and help you choose the shopping. Then it will be done quickly and 'we'll have enough time to go home and watch Twirlywoos'. Reward and praise good behaviour when it occurs.

Op, I have a ds the same age. Very little In the way of practical good advice for you unfortunately.

It really is very hard, as often if I try and insist on buggy or reigns he arches his back, goes rigid and screams.

Normally I try and shop without him, but I also think situations like shopping/the one you mention are good for children. They cannot always be entertained by technology or some sort of planned activity.

Sometimes you need to pop in somewhere and collect an essential.
I think all of these intolerant posters are disgraceful, those saying they aren’t surprised at the dirty looks. How depressing there are so many people quick to judge a small child and parent.

Children should be accepted into society. sometimes they don’t always behave as an adult would desire and that needs to be tolerated.
Parents should be supported and not excluded from communities; if they are to feel confident managing their children. if they need to dash into a supermarket to collect a few things, they should not fear the disapproval of others.

I don’t know how else children learn how to behave, If they aren’t exposed over and over to situations where they are guided by adults and eventually become more self aware.

Fortunately I think there are more kind people about than has been reflected on this thread.
I hope I have not been judged as harshly

@lastrolo10 Very well articulated and much appreciated.

Walking rains. And follow through with your plan if he misbehaves

Reins. I had D clips on ours which were used to fix DS into the buggy more securely. As a bonus I could also strap him to supermarket trollies to stop him deliberately diving out head first onto concrete floors... a particularly sickening sound from the height of a Costco trolley. The little lap belts are utterly useless.

Going home is a pretty useless consequence when in a situation where you have jobs to do and the child doesn't want to be there. I also learned that with things like soft play, DS would suddenly switch into poor behaviour when he was tired because I would take him home 🤦‍♀️
Don't make empty threats, but the consequences need to be meaningful to the child, not a convenient escape.

Some children just don't handle "leisurely" shopping/ café trips well and it may be better to see if a different strategy works for meeting up.

In our case DS1 loathed shops because of the sensory overload and undiagnosed autism. I then had the whammy of SPD and ending up on crutches and not being able to use a large trolley, pushchair or reins and ended up unable to even bend down to him when he had a "tantrum". Unfortunately he also had multiple food allergies that also meant shopping across 4 supermarkets and not being able to buy online. It was a bloody tough phase, but safe food had to be bought and that phase passed after a few months and eventually DS began to cope better anyway. There were other trigger situations that were avoided (and are still carefully chosen, but that's not such a long term consideration in NT children where it is normal range of toddler behaviour). I'm not insinuating that this is anything atypical, just that I've lived through a lot of difficult behaviour of this nature. (DS2 was a much easier child although reins were essential again!)

Don’t try and negotiate with a toddler (or a teenager as I am learning)

I agree with the Janet Lansbury recommendation. Don’t be afraid of his negative reaction to your boundary setting. It’s normal - he doesn’t like it so he reacts accordingly - but you can support him through it whilst still keeping the boundaries firm. Trust both yourself and him to be able to handle it

My grandson was similar at that age and he used the bad behaviour to get the result he wanted - to leave the boring shop! I was able to be firmer than his mum and attempted to train him with some success. He hated wearing reins so 'stay by my side or the reins go on' worked after a couple of follow-throughs. We also went into town on our own to shop with the promise of a visit to a yummy bun shop at the end of the morning if he'd stayed by my side. Only twice did we miss this treat before he got the message (be prepared for a total meltdown - it wasn't pretty!). I also gave him a little bit of freedom in running forward to a given point and then 'you must stop at the flagpole/fountain or the reins will go back on'. It worked well and he loved the praise I heaped on him (and learnt that I could be trusted to keep my word) but only you will know when he's ready as this one takes a leap of faith! It is also important to tell him exactly what you want from his behaviour - don't say 'you must be good' as that is meaningless to him. 'Stay by my side' or hold my hand' is better. Good luck 💐

Firstly make sure there is no underlying issue such as ASD, ADHD etc . Saying that my youngest is mild ASD but still knew where the boundaries were but I had to recognise what was bad behaviour and what was her struggling with the environment! Everyplace we went to had a naughty spot and yes I used it. Only ever had to do it once with each of my two then the threat was enough because they knew I wasn't messing around.

I also do a "we're not moving until you behave" and literally stood still (child on reins or in pushchair, supermarket trolley), wherever we were until they stopped. If we were in a shop I would take them outside and tell them we are going 8nti the shop but only when they would behave and if that took all day then it took all day. I was always there with them, they were safe etc. It took a while on some occasions but they learnt surprisingly fast. Reinforce the positive, address the negative.

If they think they can get away with it they will. Yes it took more patience than I ever thought I had. It was hugely inconvenient and time consuming but it sorted the problem out very quickly

That’s really helpful advice @Billandben444, thanks. I like the idea of giving them a bit of freedom to run to a certain point, going to try this out with my two year old.

@NeverTheHootenanny
It starts to build trust on both sides - we made it a game and high-fived etc. Hope it helps!

Total sympathy! DS was just the same. Some lovely, well intentioned advice comes from people who have no idea how ineffective it would be for some children. Tell him he has to hold your hand? As it happens, DH and I are both trained to physically restrain non-compliant individuals, and we have jointly struggled to walk a 4 year old through a shopping precinct. After a couple of years of avoiding taking DS to the shops, I realised that it's a bit like puppy training and they need to be socialised to it.

I suggest harness and reins, over time you might be able to take it and tell him if he can't behave you'll have to use it. By the time they're at school, they'll have better impulse control and won't want to risk being seen by school friends in a harness. If you still have a problem as they get bigger there's also straps that go round their wrists.

Basically it’s like teaching my dog recall 😆 no I don’t mean to sound rude. I taught my dog to stay near me and to come back to me with a combination of positive reinforcement and natural consequences (going back on the lead).

And what @youaremypenguin, DS was later diagnosed with ADHD. Don't be alarmed, might not be and yours will just grow out of it, and if it is, better to know and get support.