Feeling sad living in London

[halloweenie13]

I've been in London about a year now, and I'm still not feeling connected or settled. I just feel abit lost. I've tried everything to make friends bumble, meet up groups, Facebook groups and yet I have a number of casual friends I could count on one hand. Everything is ridiculously expensive and people are just quite hostile in general, never saying please or thankyou, shoving past you in supermarkets and in public spaces. It sound silly but the other night I cried looking at the moon because it was the first time I had seen it in 3 months (where I'm from up north we have big open spaces,see the moon every night and have a community feeling). I've been trying to hint to my family I'm miserable down here and I don't think they're taking me seriously, they just think "oh wow you have everything on your doorstep" my rent contract is up in spring so in theory I don't have long but I wish it was much sooner, has anyone else ever felt like this?

Some people really love London living and thrive there but it really isn't for everyone. You haven't failed as a person just because London isn't for you. Look at it differently, your time in London has clarified your priorities in life.
Move and be happy.

I felt the same, I think it’s perfectly natural. I stayed because my relationship lasted ten years and now it’s home but if you don’t have any ties here then just move home and be happy.

I agree that the places you've picked to live aren't going to give you the best side of London, or be particularly nice or easy areas to live in
And living alone in a studio must be really hard. You must feel quite hemmed in?

Have a look at London Shared... It is a high-end house share agency aimed at young professionals.

We've got 2 London Shared houses on our street, and one of them is very friendly and sociable. 2 of the women living there borrow our dogs to take for walks and to the pub, and they are all quite active on our street whatsapp group.

Have you tried sports or hobby groups rather than just bumble and meet ups?

I have a lot of friends still from the running club I joined 15 years ago in my early 20s, our local pub has a ukulele orchestra night, which includes total beginners, there is even a Quidditch club on the common..!
DH does a boot camp where several of them go for drinks afterwards, there is a volunteer group for our local park which seems very sociable - they all seem a bit more 'natural' than a meet up web group

But ultimately, London isn't for everyone. If finding your tribe is going to be more stress than reward, maybe you can consider a move?

As an aside, I’m always a bit confused by what people mean when they say londoners are unfriendly. What is unfriendly about people going about their business? What do you actually want, every stranger you pass on the street to say hello?

I say this as someone who’s lived in two northern cities and I honestly didn’t notice any difference in the friendliness of people - if anything, I found in smaller cities people were more likely to already be in cliques/established friendship groups and more set in their ways whereas in London people were more open not just to making friends, but to networking in a professional sense as well. Now I have a dog, I get people (in London) stopping to chat all the time to pet the dog! Compared to growing up in a small town where I found it decidedly unfriendly - if you were anything slightly deviating from the norm such as having an unusual haircut/colour or dress sense (as I did), you’d be regarded as a freak and weirdo. Similarly if your family hadn’t lived in the town for the past five generations people didn’t really welcome you into their groups - and I say that as someone who was born there, but my parents weren’t originally from there.

On the other hand, anything goes in London, you can dress however you want and people don’t bat an eyelid, and it’s easier to find likeminded people. So I’d love to hear examples of what people think constitutes unfriendliness because in my experience it’s been the most accepting place I’ve lived!

It’s fine if you don’t like it, but one thing I notice is that your attempts to meet people have all been online. Have you tried anything - volunteering, sports, the WI, hobby groups - where you would meet people face to face?

Hey. It’s hard to move to a new place. And during a pandemic?

I can agree that meeting people in London and making connections can be hard. My husband and I moved to the suburb where we live now and honestly didn’t really make local friends until we had children.

What about work? Can you make friends there?

But if you don’t like it and you have work opportunities elsewhere then you can make a change :) There’s no right or wrong and London is bloody expensive so if you don’t like it it’s not worth it.

Had to move to London with 1st H. and his job. Lived in Tottenham,harringay,(notice they changed the spelling, unsure exactly what) and Islington. Absolutely hated it. When I was pregnant found midwives rude and unhelpful, horrible time in 2 London hospitals. Our GP was lovely,but assured me there was nothing wrong with me. Ended up having major abdominal surgery, really ill for over a year. Moved out to Surrey,a caravan but preferable

I also don’t agree that Londoners are less friendly than elsewhere. It would be exhausting to greet every single person I see on my commute to work (hundreds or potentially even thousands). But I am a friendly person :)

@halloweenie13

This was me 20 odd years ago

Moved down there from the north and hated it

I signed a 6 months tenancy - I got a job with a company I worked with in my hometown so like a transfer

My new colleagues weren't that nice and I missed my old job and home town terribly I was back Home every weekend

I got in touch with my old manager I had to re-apply for my old job as they had a temp in and thankfully got it and I moved back after 4 months - my dad paid the 2 months rent off for me I was so miserable

Life is too short to be miserable

@TedMullins

I agree!
DH is from rural Ireland, and despite visiting us regularly for 15+ years, PIL STILL make a big thing about being surprised when we stop in the street for a chat with our neighbours, because 'we thought London wasn't friendly'

I'm on first names terms with over half the people on our street, our postie, bin men. The people in the coffee shops and pubs and cafes know me and DC by name, and our favourite orders.

When DC were born, we had no shortage of people offering to bring food, walk the dogs, run errands for us

The only difference between where I live now and the tiny village I grew up in, is that there is almost a total absence of gossip in London.

Yes, village life could be a good support network, but everyone knew everyone's business. The malicious gossip about everyone's financial state, good and bad, the tattle when a relationship broke down etc

I couldn't cope with that sort of curtain twitching again, it was awful!

@rarewaves

London isn't for everyone. I grew up here and I wouldn't live anywhere else in the UK now, but when I've lived elsewhere people often tell me how they find it too busy and unfriendly. I just found living in smaller towns to be too quiet and nosy! I think if you're one of those people that prefer a quieter/slower pace of life, and only enjoy doing the same things that can be done in other areas (rather than the things that are more unique to London like the arts/theatre) then I think you may as well be living somewhere cheaper.

I found then unfriendly comments interesting - people often mean different things. I’ve been lost / had heavy things to carry in London and been helped out so I don’t see that as an issue. People here however seem unfriendly as not saying hello to the bus driver. What I termed unfriendly was probably more of flakey - people in meet-up groups etc I mostly saw once and that was it. People suggested sport etc but that’s not me - and I wasn’t desperate enough to change myself just for friends.

Here in Manchester there’s a more natural flow, tend to see people around a lot. So easier. So glad I loved

I love London and hate the thought of living anywhere else; I have lived in 3 countries. But i do have a DH. I like shopping and museums and eating out, I find that the restaurants are best in London as the diversity of cultures mean there is plenty of choice .

I would try volunteering in your local community. Londoners actually have very close knit communities so that is a good way to meet people. I met people going to synagogue but the synagogue also runs a lot of activities for local people like refugees and also singing for the mind for People with dementia and there are non Jewish volunteers as a result. I would also try classes at the gym.

Or you could try to 'adopt' a native londoner who grew up here. Like try to become really close to a native londoner and you would probably end up 'inheriting' all his or her friends growing up just by going to parties and gatherings together. Thats how i made friends through my DH who is a native londoner and almost all his friends still live in London

Its strange how different people's perspectives are- a guy i met told me he moved to London from Manchester (sold his house in didsbury for a 2 bed flat in willesden green which was like twice the price) for the purpose of finding a girlfriend. As there were fewer Jewish girls back in Manchester (manchester does have a large jewish community though just not as large as London). He was a doctor so could work in both places easily. He did successfully find a girlfriend so was happy with his choice. I did meet my DH in London, but I think that if I didn't I probably would have the best chance in London.

London has some of the most beautiful green spaces and parks, i live near highgate woods. I would try moving to be near one of them and it helps a lot.

No-one's trying to say she's wrong not to be happy and I think people have made lots of suggestions both on how to improve things in London and how to facilitate moving back North. The thing is, OP doesn't think it can be anything to do with her. It must be the other several million people who are all hostile and unfriendly.

How likely is it that all the people who've said they're happy in London are wrong - and OP is right - London is unfriendly? Much more likely I'd say that it's just not the right place for OP at this stage in her life.

I wish her well and hope she finds her "place" but repeatedly slagging off Londoners - some of whom are actually quite nice ( ) won't help her achieve that.

I could have written your post 25 years ago. Same issues but locals were much more polite back then. I still dislike London but leaving soon. I remembered crying so much the first time I saw a clear sky with a few stars one evening many moons ago. My advise leave if you can it does not get better. My situation was complicated but at least I can give you advise.

I live in south Norwood which admittedly isn’t the most salubrious area (I love it though) but I’ve seen the stars in a clear sky every night for the last few weeks. In case anyone’s wondering where in London you can see it!

@halloweenie13

I'm sorry if you felt I wasn't being supportive, I felt I was answering your question which was "has anyone else ever felt like this?". So lots of other people have said no they haven't and lots have said yes the have.

I was suggesting how you feel about London might be mixed up with feelings about your social circle or relationship, as that has been my own experience. There's been loads of times I have not felt settled in London or indeed the UK but it was nearly always more about other things going on in my life at the time (divorce, jobs, friends moving out of London, missing home country) rather than London as a place.

@KikoLemons

No-one's trying to say she's wrong not to be happy and I think people have made lots of suggestions both on how to improve things in London and how to facilitate moving back North. The thing is, OP doesn't think it can be anything to do with her. It must be the other several million people who are all hostile and unfriendly.

How likely is it that all the people who've said they're happy in London are wrong - and OP is right - London is unfriendly? Much more likely I'd say that it's just not the right place for OP at this stage in her life.

I wish her well and hope she finds her "place" but repeatedly slagging off Londoners - some of whom are actually quite nice ( ) won't help her achieve that.

Ironically the more people there are the harder it is to make friends - because people have an 'always looking for cooler' mentality. A place that's too small and insular isn't good either. There's a sweet spot in between. OP has said there where she livees has a lot of students and international people who prefer their own bubble.

I don't think the OP is slagging off Londoners - rather pointing out that it's not a comparatively nicer place to be if you don't have any friends. Sure, there are a lot of things to 'do', but going to museums/galleries what have you on your own gets old after a while. It's polluted and crowded. Everyone else around you is having fun but all in their own groups, nobody really chats to strangers in the bar/bus stop.I can sense how frustrated OP is because she has tried Meetup groups etc (granted though we have been in a pandemic).

Honestly OP having said all that sometimes it's just luck. If your interests are for example nature and hiking you're better off in a place close to these things which isn't London (green spaces and parks are NOT the same thing).

You have to figure out whom you are and your interests before trying to find likeminded people. You mentioned that you're autistic so it might be harder for you but think about the components of a friendship - shared interests, regular contact. Then think about a way you can fulfil that

Wholeheartedly agree @TractorAndHeadphones

Think some of us just need to be where we from like wizard of Oz thing.
Am Londoner and felt like original poster when in refuge in north. Don't like London too crowded is bad for PTSD loud noisy hard place to be but felt suicidal away cos is my home city.

Wish didn't feel like that cos London worst place to be vulnerable and no safe home if disabilities so no way out of domestic violence. Also is social services safeguarding and domestic violence support outside London but very bad support including closed waiting lists for some boroughs in London.

So really wish felt ok away from home but think some of us me and original poster need familiar cos very lonely and isolating and cut off being stranger away from home.

To answer some questions,
I lived in a 3 bed house up north before moving to London.
People are rude here sadly.
I spoke to my family about how I'm feeling and the situation they were surprisingly very supportive.
I am majorately working from home but electing to work in various locations however it isn't helping.
@KikoLemons is very much wrong I have family who live in London who have lived here for nearly 30 years who have been mugged on several occasions and warned me from moving here due to the awful conditions and lack of community spirit. Kiki you have done nothing but harrass me if you have such an issue message me directly and I will gladly meet you. People are hostile and spiteful here. If you grew up in London and simply cannot see the difference that is OK but to dismiss the rest of the countries and disabled individuals perspectives is digusting. Did you know the Transport system is so significantly lacking that disabled TFL users are advised to take busses miles outside of their nearest tube or are dismissed when asking for travel support?

Did you actually READ what I said???? I said I wished you well and hoped you'd find your happy place!

I said that you seemed to think that several million Londoners are all hostile and unfriendly - which is patently impossible. (And spiteful?? Really? ALL of us???)
I live in a fantastic community where several generations have grown up. Friendly, supportive, strong, mostly happy.

I said that slagging Londoners off won't help you - and it won't. Moving to where you are happy is what you need to do and many PPs on here have made helpful suggestions about that, (Some are even Londoners)

I never mentioned disabled people at all ( ) - please don't make assumptions about my own disabilities or those of my family.
Many disabled people find themselves far better provided for transport-wise in London than in a rural setting where there is very limited transport.

You are clearly not happy - and that's a shame. I hope you find somewhere that suits you, I really do. But this hatred for everyone who lives in this huge city or who disagrees with you is unlikley to help you.
Good luck OP - I hope it works out for you.

I was mugged at knifepoint outside my flat in pre-gentrification Herne Hill the first year I lived in London. However frightening it was, I didn’t take it as indicative of all Londoners, or of ‘awful conditions’, and in fact the only other time I was unlucky enough to be the victim of a crime it was in the rural north of England, after a further nine years in London.

Look, OP, you’re not happy, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave. Neither do you need to make the claim that London is awful, and its people hostile and spiteful. You can simply admit to yourself that you don’t like it, and are ready to move on.

I loved it and then I was done. I feel so much happier being myself now I've left. I have great restaurants and smart, multicultural people around me. London isn't the be all and end all. I love to visit but no longer need to live there.

OP you’re being ridiculous now. Nobody has said you’re wrong to feel like you do and everyone has said if you’re not happy it’s fine to leave! But it’s silly to claim that EVERY SINGLE Londoner is rude and unfriendly and EVERY area of London is teeming with muggers and has terrible living conditions. Plenty of people live here and enjoy it and don’t recognise the London you’re describing. People have been trying to give you suggestions to improve your experience here but not a single person has said you have to stay if you don’t like it. It seems like the fact others enjoy London and their life here touches a nerve and you want everyone to agree it’s horrible? Why? People are allowed different opinions and experiences. I lived up north and didn’t like it for various reasons whereas you do, doesn’t mean either one of us is objectively right or wrong.

It seems like the fact others enjoy London and their life here touches a nerve and you want everyone to agree it’s horrible? Why?

Tbf when I was in London and deeply unhappy I was the same. I can see now it made me a really unpleasant person tbh, which is probably why I didnt have much success with friends 😂 Life is a lot better now ive found my place - turns out im a country girl at heart and thats where I needed to be (or at least close to it, whilst still being able to engage in modern life!)

Could be the same for you OP? Nobodies being mean to you here.