Feeling sad living in London

[halloweenie13]

I've been in London about a year now, and I'm still not feeling connected or settled. I just feel abit lost. I've tried everything to make friends bumble, meet up groups, Facebook groups and yet I have a number of casual friends I could count on one hand. Everything is ridiculously expensive and people are just quite hostile in general, never saying please or thankyou, shoving past you in supermarkets and in public spaces. It sound silly but the other night I cried looking at the moon because it was the first time I had seen it in 3 months (where I'm from up north we have big open spaces,see the moon every night and have a community feeling). I've been trying to hint to my family I'm miserable down here and I don't think they're taking me seriously, they just think "oh wow you have everything on your doorstep" my rent contract is up in spring so in theory I don't have long but I wish it was much sooner, has anyone else ever felt like this?

Tottenham and Brent are surprising places to live for a single person in your 20s.

When I was in my 20s I lived much more centrally in areas where there was lots to do within walking distance, and lots of other 20 somethings. It gave a very different vibe to what you describe.

Your family say you have 'everything on your doorstep', but in Brent and Tottenham you really don't!

However if you can get equal pay in a northern city I'd move - your money will go so much further, and you can have a much better quality of life.

Interesting you say you moved from east to west for a better experience. I'm in east London and my experience is opposite to yours. I know all my neighbours, there's a real community feel, there's definitely no pushing in the supermarket
Wherever you move to, it does take time to find your place and feel at home. Add to that lockdown and the after effects, people are still not going about everyday life as they used to. And add to that, if I've read correctly, a relationship break up and moving a few times? It sounds as though you are drifting with no anchor, no wonder you feel lonely.
I don't have a magic solution, a lot of people (including me) love living in London but perhaps it's not for you. If you want to persevere, my advice would be to find some local volunteering opportunities so you can feel useful and purposeful in contributing to your community. And take up a hobby that puts you in a group, you might not forge friendships with the group outside of it, but going back to the same crowd weekly will give a sense of familiarity and belonging.

Well you picked just about the hardest year to move down..

Can you move to be near your friends? It’s a big place and it helps to build a connection to your area. Can you house share? Can you try some activities you are actually interested in doing so you can enjoy the doing while you slowly get to know people? (I always found general meet up groups weird), dating? Career development?

Make a list of what you want to do before you go - 50 things - do one every week.

It might not be for you long term, but I’d plan to stay another year and try and suck the marrow out of it.

I don’t think you’ve given it long enough — I think it took me four or five years living in grotty but fairly central areas to really feel this was home turf. I always loved the art, and the wealth of music and theatre around, but I gradually got incredibly fond of the grot — little parades of shops with a chicken shack, a halal butcher, a Turkish grocer and the kind of barber that looks like a front for something sinister — and I loved going on long meandering walks and discovering new parts. When the tube bombings happened, I realised I was fucking furious, because someone had attacked my city. I loved my ten years there, and I tell my son he’s very lucky to have been born somewhere so cool.

I was certainly lonelier than I have ever been in my life after we left London for the Midlands, for the kind of supposed community that turned out to be insular and xenophobic…

But you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave, though. You say you’ve been ‘trying to hint’ to your family you’re unhappy — why not just tell them?

But from what you say, it might well have been a difficult time anywhere — after university with your old friendship groups dispersed, and the end of a longterm relationship? Cut yourself some slack — I think this can be a tricky enough life stage.

I also think that you may have more luck living more centrally, and perhaps east or south. Brixton is brilliant, as are many of the areas around there - people are definitely friendlier than further out/west (no offence to anyone living there - just my experience!) Hope it all works out for you, OP

@Marimaur

With respect.. single in your 20s and you’re living in zone 3/4 in suburbia... I think of London as lots of different villages. Maybe look for a houseshare in east or south london??

With all due respect I was in one for a year, zone 2, it wasn't working they never left their, I have tried joining several different friendship sites, meetup etc. Nothing Worked. I have made a handful of friends ie I see them around once a month each at best and see their private insta and snapchat stories. It's hardly engaging. Where I live is a student and young people hub sadly they are entirely international and gather together when trying to interact with them they speak of international school experiences etc, as someone with autism I struggle as to what I can possibly say in response to year nine in dubai or china or cyprus.

@Gerwurtztraminer

OP, how much of it is London and how much of it is just feeling lonely and not having a friendship group to socialise with? And how long since your relationship ended- 5 years is a long time, are you still grieving that too?

If I have learnt anything from having moved to the UK many years ago, is that you "take yourself with you". So depending on what the real root of the problem is, moving somewhere else may not solve it.

I've lived in various bits of London (including Brent!) and don't really recognise the bleak picture you paint. Yes it's crowded and people can be in a bit of a rush but I find it as friendly as I choose to be really. As a foreigner (albeit from an English speaking country) I've found other parts of the UK just as (if not more) brusque, insular and intolerant than London. I've got 3 sets of friends who've found it very hard to settle and feel welcome in provincial UK towns allegedly known for their friendliness. Wherever you live, it is what you make of it really.

But if it really isn't for you then yes, of course find somewhere that makes you happy.

I have lived in several locations as stated above. I am simply asking if people have also felt a sadness for moving to London and wanted to move home, this is the most hostile place I have lived in the Uk so no it isn't what you make of it, I have tried everything I have done previously and more and it isn't the same. Dismissing my opinions of London and others isn't helpful or supportive.

Lots of people hate London so you are definitely not alone

But I agree that Brent and Tottenham are maybe not going to give you the best experience of living here

I live not far from Greenwich, everyone around here is incredibly polite, there's loads of local things to get involved in and lots of big green spaces, while still 15 minutes on a train to central London

IME South/Southeast London is the best, I've lived in 10 different places all over London, sometimes it just takes a while to find an area you like

First off I’ll caveat everything I’m about to say with, if you’re unhappy and want to live somewhere else and would rather be up north, that is completely fine, you should go where you feel at home and happy when you’re able to get out of your contract/find a job somewhere else etc.

However. I’ve lived in London nearly 8 years and no I don’t feel as you do - honestly it’s the only place I’ve ever felt truly at home and I’ve lived in the midlands, Leeds and Manchester. For the first 2-3 years here though, it was about finding out which elements of London worked for me, and finding friends, whether that was through work, hobbies, online. One of my favourite things about London is how every borough/area is a like different little town with its own centre and atmosphere. I’ve not experienced the unfriendliness you mention - where I live now in south east, I chat with local shopkeepers, I’m in a WhatsApp group with my neighbours and we go to the pub together and people do stop on the street to chat (having a dog helps). I also volunteer with a local initiative to help the homeless. Similarly in my last flat in Tooting I found people generally friendly and welcoming in terms of locals, neighbours etc.

I do think living in Brent is part of your problem. Not all house shares are full of antisocial people who don’t come out of their rooms - I house shared for 6 years in a few different places before I got my own flat and I had a multitude of experiences from flatmates who’d have dinner and barbecues together to the kind of unfriendly ones you describe - part of it is luck. I would recommend reconsidering house sharing and look at places a bit nearer than Brent with more of a cafe culture and nightlife.

There are also Facebook groups for people in your position - London New Girl and London Lonely Girls are for women who feel just like you do. I joined them a while ago and have made some friends, people also post house sharing opportunities on there too.

All that said, I did feel lonely at times in my first 3ish years here - it’s easy to feel like you’re isolated from all the fun stuff if you don’t have the kind of friends you can go and do things with, but for me it really did come with time, and now I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

I've lived in Brent for a year and couldn't wait to get out! That being said, London is really beautiful but if you like where you are living and the conditions you are living in you would appreciate London more. Like pp's have mentioned, south/se is nice as well. I live quite central and I love London despite having no friends or family nearby. It's just my 2.5 yo all day and dh in the evenings that's all I've got. Ok I'm not lonely but I am really lonely if you get what I mean. But I have everything on my doorstep and tomorrow I will take my little one to Hyde park just because I can as I live 15 mins walking distance to it.

It's ok to miss your home and what you are used to but London is nice if you live in a nice borough but that being said, most boroughs have lovely commons, cafes, bars, high streets. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

I grew up in London and I still love it, but I no longer live there. I agree that it can be very lonely if you don't have people around you.

Leeds, Sheffield, Manchester, York - all great cities with lots happening. Life is too short to be miserable. I moved back to London after uni but all my old friends had moved away, I only stayed a year before going back to my uni city (up north) as I missed the social life so much.

Why is everyone trying to convince OP tbat London IS great?!

See my previous comment - this was exactly my experience. Its so odd.

OP, I hated London too. so you aren't alone. I stuck it out with uni & work for 9 years but it was unfriendly, lonely, dirty, noisy, polluted, just grim.

Life is too short to be unhappy. What your family think is irrelevant, so put their views to one side and perhaps spend some time over the xmas holiday looking at other cities - housing, jobs, environment.

I think you've been very unfortunate with the timing. London during a pandemic is probably very different from normal.
That said, London isn't for everyone, even at the best of times.
I am a country girl. I grew up in the west country. I now live in Sussex. But, I did a few years in London in between. I had a love/hate relationship with it. Loved the art galleries and theatre. Loved the multicultural nature of my street etc.
But hated the underground, especially in rush hour. Hated the pollution, and the sheer density of population.
I found going to Epping Forest and the big parks helped. I lived in north-east London, and my neighbours were pretty friendly. Though not as much as my old west country village!
I left London as I couldn't afford it anymore. I moved to Hastings in East Sussex, and honestly love it here. Super friendly, The open mindedness of London, with the pace of life of a village - perfect balance! Near enough to London for regular visits. I love being by the sea.
I think it takes some of us a while to find out where we belong. Maybe London has been a stage on your journey, and you'll find your perfect spot in time.
I wish you well OP

I also lived in London for a bit and did a year in Paris. Both cities have nice bits and great architecture. But all I could think about when I was in these cities was going home to the north where there is moorland and fells and open spaces.

Even going to the surrounding countryside down there didn't help as there are no real hills and it felt quite suburban.

If you are not happy it's ok! I left a job on the Champs Elysées to come back to Yorkshire.

Hi OP, the problem with bumble or meetup is that you might not have anything in common with those people apart from wanting to meet others, so when you meet there's no shared ground to form the basis of a friendship.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? Fancy taking up a new sport? Go to a book club?

OP I don't think anyone is telling you you're wrong about London, just ways of feeling better about being here. If you don't want to give it another minute you don't have to. There is no big arbiter in the sky saying 'you have failed at London'. It seemed like you wanted to try to make it work but if you don't, don't.. That's the beauty of being an adult - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you can do what you want.

@ThePlantsitter

OP I don't think anyone is telling you you're wrong about London, just ways of feeling better about being here. If you don't want to give it another minute you don't have to. There is no big arbiter in the sky saying 'you have failed at London'. It seemed like you wanted to try to make it work but if you don't, don't.. That's the beauty of being an adult - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you can do what you want.

Exactly OP. And don’t think you have to change yourself to fit in with others either

OP I'd get the hell out of there, you've given it a good shot. It sounds like you've got good job opportunities and family up North. Go home! Life's to short to be unhappy like that, the sooner you find the right base for you the better. Best of luck with your happy new future.

Goodness it seems obvious to me that you have given London a really good crack and that it hadn't worked out.

It's perfectly fine to not like London!

Life is too short to stay where you're miserable, please move to where you feel happier.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Why is everyone trying to convince OP tbat London IS great?!

See my previous comment - this was exactly my experience. Its so odd.

Because her OP sounded as if she was open to hearing about ways of making her time there more enjoyable. I don’t think anyone has told her she’s unreasonable to feel what she feels, but also to point out that loneliness and experiencing other people as rude isn’t an inevitable experience of London, and that a year isn’t much time to adjust. If she’s decided the place isn’t for her, she should absolutely lay plans to leave, obviously.

Sigh. Saying Londoners are rude and unfriendly is a bit like saying Northerners are racist. It’s a lazy stereotype.

I don’t really recognise the London you describe - yes in the City at peak commute time maybe but not the areas most ordinary Londoners live. And most Londoners are (whispers it) just like people in the rest of the country.

Wherever you choose to live OP I’d recommend somewhere that has people from other parts of the country (and the world) coming to live there, so there is a mix of single people.
The last thing you want is to be surrounded by people who all hang out with their friends from school and are married with kids by 28. (An experience a friend had when she moved to Yorkshire - she found it very hard to break into existing cliques).

Sigh. Saying Londoners are rude and unfriendly is a bit like saying Northerners are racist. It’s a lazy stereotype.

People in inner cities are less friendly or come across that way, fact. They're rushing around, stressed, less sense of community, younger population.

Even I, when I lived in croydon, was like this, compared to living in Richmond now. Can't even explain it.

Re racist northerners, obviously not all are, but I'd worry about being accepted somewhere if I'm the only non white person. Not to say they're racist, most people are fine, but it's definitely more of an issue or more likely in a rural, northern town than somewhere like london

People in inner cities are less friendly or come across that way, fact. They're rushing around, stressed, less sense of community, younger population.

Even I, when I lived in croydon, was like this, compared to living in Richmond now. Can't even explain it.

I disagree with this. It's another example of a lazy stereotype. I don't think I'd ever refer to Croydon (or Brent) as inner city though. I think you do have to make an effort in cities to engage with people. But the majority of people will respond when you do.

London isn't for everyone. I grew up here and I wouldn't live anywhere else in the UK now, but when I've lived elsewhere people often tell me how they find it too busy and unfriendly. I just found living in smaller towns to be too quiet and nosy! I think if you're one of those people that prefer a quieter/slower pace of life, and only enjoy doing the same things that can be done in other areas (rather than the things that are more unique to London like the arts/theatre) then I think you may as well be living somewhere cheaper.