DP and his deep set phobia of running out of bread. Just a thread to rant really

[CarrotSticks19]

DP has bought more squash. We have squash, its in the cupboard. We actually have loads of fucking squash because he keeps buying it. As soon as it goes in the cupboard he forgets it exists and buys more. How does he not know the squash is in the cupboard? I thought Id sorted this problem by letting him chose the squash cupboard, but no hes still buying squash.

He does this with toothpaste, constantly buying toothpaste. The bathroom cupboard is full of toothpastes he has bought, because he refuses to remember we have toothpaste unless he can physically see it.

Why? Why cant he remember thwse things are in the cupboard? Is it laziness? Its causing him more bother to constantly go to the shops to buy toothpaste.

The absolute worst though is the bread. every single time he goes shopping he buys more bread. He thought we needed bread because he hasnt bought any in a while. He actually bought some yesterday and theres already 4 loaves in the freezer and 4 in the bread bin. The worst bit about it is he doesnt even eat bread! Why does he have this deep down phobia of running out of a food he doesnt even eat?! Does it fucking matter if we run out of bread!

Anyone else have these small things that really annoy you? Ive tried dealing with the problem. The only solution is to keep the spare toothpaste/squash/bread on display so he remembers it exists, but fuck me Id really like it if he could learn how cupboards work so my table decoration doesnt have to be a tube of toothpaste!

My husband is obsessed with bread from the farm shop…yes it is lovely but he gets it every time he breathes…have chucked so much expensive bread away it’s ridiculous!

Oh and loo rolls…what happened to him when he was a child? It really isn’t the biggest problem on the planet if we only have two left!! Drive me bloody mad 🤯

I do this too. We currently have 11 tins of kidney beans in the larder because each time I do the shopping I get 2 or 3 cans and we only get through 1 or 2 cans a week but I keep buying them. DH had a word with me about the excess beans so I won't buy them now. I predict we will be completely out of beans in 8 weeks because I shall be permanently convinced we have plenty. Meanwhile we are totally out of binbags despite the 2 shopping trips I have done since we ran out.

@2bazookas
At least we'll be able to use them, if we live long enough.

Meh, depends how annoying / wasteful it is and how the impact.

It was a constant joke growing up that my DM couldn't help but buy loo roll. Fortunately this wasn't in the Amazon Prime, order in bulk days, but she still ended up with huge amounts of loo roll.

DH seems to have a similar thing with light bulbs and batteries. As long as they are not making a mess or encroaching on my space, I have made my peace with it. Oddly he always forgets to replace olive oil despite being the most prolific user of it: can't win them all?

Depends on your financial situation, but Maybe you should just let him crack on and then once a month have a stealth purge and donate the excess to a food bank.

You could think of it as giving back?

[quote mathanxiety]@NothingIsWrong, that's a horrible way to live. Your H has a serious problem.

If you'd like to talk, start a thread in Relationships.[/quote]
I think it's him just wanting to make sure we have enough for the next day, because he'll make sure a loaf gets taken out of the freezer if we don't. He takes it a bit far sometimes.

I recently found my own secret stash of brown sauce. 6 bottles. I'm almost impressed at myself, and hopefully that will be enough to end the cycle...

If he ate bread, I'd suggest a breadmaker so there is only the issue of storing flour and yeast. He's just a bread hoarder, though!

I have this problem, it's me, not my husband.

My only solution is to have an old fashioned pantry type larder. I can glance down the rows and visually clock if we need more stock.

It's easier to do stock rotation this way too. But I appreciate it's not a practical solution for many. It works for me. Otherwise I keep buying. I once counted 35 tins of tomatoes before this system was in place. We use 6 tins a week but even so, that's a lot of spares.

@NothingIsWrong, no, it's him throwing his weight around, controlling you all and making you afraid to have a slice of toast without incurring his wrath.

If you are an adult with access to money and able to go out to the shops you can get another loaf of bread if you run out. You don't need him counting slices.

What else does he control?

[quote mathanxiety]@NothingIsWrong, no, it's him throwing his weight around, controlling you all and making you afraid to have a slice of toast without incurring his wrath.

If you are an adult with access to money and able to go out to the shops you can get another loaf of bread if you run out. You don't need him counting slices.

What else does he control?[/quote]
He likes everything to be clean. And can get shouty with the kids if they don't immediately do stuff he asks them to. Cannot do emotion at all. I can get upset and he either ignores me or shouts at me depending on if I'm upset with external stuff or with him. Ironically the thing I get most upset about is his lack of response when I need support...

But on the other hand he doesn't give a toss about money, he's (what I would call - £65k) a high earner and just chucks all of it in our joint account and I can spend what I want on what I want (I also earn £45k so I'm paying my way!). He doesn't care who or where I socialise, as long as at least one of us is home with the kids or whoever organised to go out last sorts a babysitter. He does all the food shopping and a good portion of the cooking. Laundry. Ironing. Childcare.

I have been to a counsellor and she said I either have to accept him as he is or get divorced and I can't face the upheaval with the kids as I do not think he would play fair over the house and we live in an expensive area.

Anyway. Not the thread for this. I might start one of my own sometime.

@CarrotSticks19

I dont think he has ADHD (I suspect i have aDHD and have always been jealous of his calm, unchaotic approach to life). And he didnt have a deprived childhood in terms of food or stuff. Maybe a bit of a cold childhood

He also does a thing where will leave like the bottom 1/5 or so of a bottle and open a new one.

With the bread I really dont know. He doesnt eat bread! I am quite forgetful so do think its good practice to have a spare or two lined up, but theres a spare tube of toothpaste and then theres 10 spares and no space to put the ever growing pile of spares!

Put the toothpaste hoard in his underwear drawer/cupboard. Maybe when it becomes an inconvenience to him he will stop buying it.

@Branleuse

I do this. Object permanence. If i cant see it, i dont always remember i have it. Its common issue with adhd

I'm so interested in all the comments about adhd. I've been convinced that I have adhd for a while, just haven't yet got my act together yet to pursue a diagnosis (executivefunction problems). When I read the OP, I thought shit, I'm just like that, but it has not even occurred to me that this too could be connected to adhd. The over buying drives my DH up the wall but somehow I keep doing it.

I really need to go and talk to my GP, don't I?

Not really an answer to the issue of your husband buying things in the first place but if you really have far more bottles of squash/ tubes of toothpaste and other items with a long shelf life that you’re unlikely to get through then you can probably donate some to your local food bank.

Maybe between the two of you you also need to be better organised, meal plan and do an inventory and then put together a shopping list at the start of the week so that you know what is needed. It sounds like he is overcompensating for your forgetfulness but then forgetting what he himself has bought so working together to ensure you both buy the things needed may help.

My mum does this, but it’s with everything she grew up very very poor and deprived. She has enough food, toilet rolls to see her and my dad through for at least 2-3 years. It’s sad to see.

When covid hit last year and the supermarket’s were empty I went to my mums and she gave me a months worth of food, toilet roll, shampoo, hand soap, kitchen roll.

I have an annoying tendency to buy that dishwasher rinse aid every time I go to home bargains it’s like a I have a brain fog about it 🤷‍♀️

I’m like this with tomato purée.. drives my DH nuts. At one point I had 12.yes 12 tubes of purée. I’ve cut right back now. There’s 1 in the fridge and 3 in the pantry...

Is object permanence a term for "out of sight out of mind"?

I do this all the time.

Also I will leave things in specific places (often to remind me to do something with it) but my DH will tidy up after me, move it and it's like I've forgotten it existed!

I'm a fundraiser and once a donor gave me a big cheque. Written to name of charity obviously. I left it on the dining table (just one night!) to remind me to take it to work the next day and bank it.

Anyway - got up the next day, no cheque so I forgot it existed. Didn't take it to work. Didn't bank it. Didn't do thank you letter.

Thankfully I remembered the same day and had words with DH. He'd put it somewhere "safe" but had neglected to tell me.

I've had to explain to him that I'm an adult. It's my home too and I should be allowed to put things down and know they'll be there when I go back. I've got a military background so am a tidy person. My DH is a nightmare for this.

He did it to my car keys once too. I tore the house apart looking for them. I was so stressed. Thought I'd lost them.

He'd put them somewhere "safe". Just in case the house was burgled (he was AWAY with the car when he did this) I tried to explain that car keys for a car that wasn't there if we were burgled would be the least of our worries.

I'm always finding unopened mail for me that he's moved to a safe place.

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh

I've explained the out of sight out of mind thing - maybe he'll get it if I say "object permanence"!

Object permanence issues can crop up with aphantasia too. This condition is the inability to visualise or form mental images of objects that are not present.

DS has this. His shopping workaround is lists which he never diverges from.

@NothingIsWrong - I'm glad you went to a counselor.

I appreciate you feel you are between a rock and a hard place. Feeling stuck where you are, feeling you have no options - the aim of abuse is to cause those feelings. Worrying that he wouldn't play fair with the house in the case of divorce is a sign that you are not dealing with a nice person at all, regardless of brownie points for cooking and housework.

How do your children feel about life with this martinet? I think you should start a thread.

• • FWIW, the disposition of a house is what solicitors are for.

You could end up getting what you and your children need.

[quote mathanxiety]@NothingIsWrong - I'm glad you went to a counselor.

I appreciate you feel you are between a rock and a hard place. Feeling stuck where you are, feeling you have no options - the aim of abuse is to cause those feelings. Worrying that he wouldn't play fair with the house in the case of divorce is a sign that you are not dealing with a nice person at all, regardless of brownie points for cooking and housework.

How do your children feel about life with this martinet? I think you should start a thread.[/quote]
I have no idea where I would start with a thread. Maybe someday I will

@mathanxiety

Object permanence issues can crop up with aphantasia too. This condition is the inability to visualise or form mental images of objects that are not present.

DS has this. His shopping workaround is lists which he never diverges from.

Yes, my DD has this with bells on. No internal picture at all, if she can't see something it doesn't exist. This applies to people, places, maps, words, numbers - can't spell outloud or do mental arithmetic. Terrible separation anxiety, even at 17, because she can't see me / DH/ the dog. Appears dreadfully untidy because everything important must be visible. It's taken me years to understand it and I suspect I've not made her life easier as I don't have these issues.

💐 @NothingIsWrong

@NothingIsWrong, try the Relationships board. Mention a few of your H's quirks.

Appears dreadfully untidy because everything important must be visible.

DS in a nutshell. I bought him an insane number of shelves, and clothes racks with hangers, just so that his stuff wouldn't be all over the floor and every other flat surface.

He got through school by sheer, dogged rote learning, and relied heavily on recording lectures in university. Lists, photos of boxed items before they were closed, labels on closed boxes, numbering systems for paperwork, strict adherence to filing... He has found the tools on his phone are a godsend for organisation - lists, photo albums, etc.