Relentless demands for money at primary school

[WildWombat]

DS hasn't started school yet, but so many of my friends with older kids have been telling me about this. Expect constant requests for contributions to this, that or the other. Non uniform days, bake sales, charity events etc etc. Normally money but also costumes/dress up, or things to donate for selling. Has anyone come up with a good way of managing all these requests? Do you give something every time it's asked for, or do you just select a few and not bother with the others? It sounds like a minefield and when DS starts reception I want to go in feeling prepared to start as I mean to go on, so any advice v welcome!

My best tip for Xmas jumper day is buy big and buy neutral! I've managed to make the same jumper last 3DC.

We do out of uniform once a month for 50p but there's times I've forgot to send money and no one comments.

Fancy dress for Roahl Dahl Day, World Book Day, TT Rocks, Children In Need, Mental Health Day, Red Nose Day, Halloween but you do outfits as you can afford.

Used to be a donation of items twice a year for school fayres but not atm

It certainly adds up when you have more than 1 child. I do moan sometimes, however - school budgets have been cut to the point it is basically impossible for schools to manage and I'm in a position where I can cover the extras so anything for the PTA or school I contribute to and then pick and choose the charity things.

My bugbear is last minute announcements for costumes and themes 'dress as an animal' or 'wear bright green' etc. It's odd socks on Monday for anti bullying week and the kids are keen to take part & will pay the £1 each from their pocket money. Now they are a bit older it's actually an opportunity to talk to them about charitable giving and causes they think are important.

And yes - Christmas jumpers: buy big, buy neutral!

Kendodd the problem with doing a standing order is the money all goes to different places. Dinner money goes to the catering company, photo money goes to the photo company (the school personally doesn't handle that money).
Charity money will be collected and then passed on to the relevant charity. This could be in the form of a cheque from the school or the physical cash depending on the charity.
PTA funds should be held separately from school funds. A proper run PTA should be set up as a charity and have it's own bank account.
A standing order or a £50 donation at the beginning of the year (as suggested by others) wouldn't work as the school would have to employ an accountant to sort it all out !!

We’ve paid £1 so far this term- (Year 2), that was for a donation for a poppy snap band for Remembrance Day.
All schools are different, ours isn’t costly yet

And never buy any special clothes for an event unless you really want to. Spotty clothes day - stick some spotty stickers on a t-shirt. Christmas jumper day - stick some stickers on a jumper or pin a bit of tinsel or a bauble on it.
I have never know a school turn away a child on a 'special clothes' day because they are wearing the 'wrong' thing.

I like baking cakes and don't mind adding to hampers, but there are problems with the way charity events pile up. Besides the financial strain for the poorer, they introduce a pressure to conform.

One year the supermarkets near us ran out of red noses. Cue nervous conversations at school gates about where to find them. A little boy with special needs ended up without one and cried his eyes out - not what his anyway overworked mum needed.

And: almost all the work, especially for food-related events, is done by women. Bake sales are in effect a tax in kind, on women's labour and household resources, to make up for government underfunding. Just tax the rich properly and fund schools, ffs.

It's not that bad actually. Most things are voluntary, so you don't need to do it if you don't want/can't to, and people don't judge, ime.
Dress ups are really fun for kids, but some just don't participate and that's totally fine too.
Most of events are published earlier on school calendar so you can plan ahead.
Bake sales, you don't need to bake but can still contribute by buying some cakes.
Except for something that is done for charity, most of small contribution from each children/parents directly benefits children.
So do if you can, and don't if you can't.

I think it's really important to remember that the vast bulk of it is voluntary. Do the ones you can and/or the ones your children care about and leave the rest. As a rule, I do try to ensure I bring bottle or hamper gift on mufti days but I feel zero guilt if I forget.

The other thing s that if the PTA is a bit ridiculously demanding, then I'd suggest joining it and trying to change things. I used to be on the PTA committee at DC's school and I can hand on heart say that people who turned up at meetings and had strong opinions/wanted to do things differently were welcomed and their suggestions incorporated. Parents who whinged from the sidelines were greeted with a lot less sympathy. It was also true that the parents who turned up almost always brought good ideas or a different perspective which was incredibly helpful.

Start a jar for pound coins - I'm always raiding ours for school shit.

And yes a box of unwanted gifts for raffles / tombola is very helpful.

And when they have the big Christmas or summer fairs and fetes I am lucky enough to be able to just mentally give £20 to "charity" and let DC buy whatever shit they want (usually random homemade crafts / cakes) and enter all the games etc rather than worrying about wasting money.

I never found primary demands too much. I was very active in the PTFA so felt I was doing my bit there. We kept costs down and also tried to put in place fair spending so families benefitted eg so much per year towards trip funding.
Secondary on the other hand. That was relentless. A ridiculous old style grammar - but that was for general school funding. Eg parents setting up a golden ticket thing for regular contributions. Never gave anything. But the head would stand up in front of parents asking for their money. It was incredibly cringy.

As an autistic lone parent, I stonewall pretty much any requests for anything, unless absolutely crucial. I only have so much to give, and looking after my mental health so I can be there for my DC takes priority.

Just tax the rich properly and fund schools, ffs

This ^^

@Sparklespangle

Today I spend 66pounds on young voices, 18pounds on school photos and 50pounds in school dinners. I can't afford it, I will have to find the money from somewhere. It is relentless.

But none of that is necessary. You don't need to see your child at Young Voices (you won't be able to see each other anyway, there's too many kids), they don't need the T-Shirts or any other crap they try to sell you either. Your child will still have an amazing time and you'll have spent nothing. Take your own photos and make a packed lunch. You've chosen to spend money you don't have to.

Most of events are published earlier on school calendar so you can plan ahead.

That depends on the school ill not forget that first term and it was constant money requests.

I commented earlier that school had stopped requests for poppy day, I found out after I wrote it they still sold poppies but just didn't tell parents they were doing it. My 10yo bought one with his own money.

Since March I have been asked for: -

Donations for the food bank, on 2 separate occasions (shampoo and coffee were requested specifically).
Sponsorship for a sports activity - The children ran round a little obstacle course - in leu of having a sports day because of the virus.
Any old books that my child may have outgrown for the school and nursery library.
Old boxes and bottles for the children to make models with in a lesson.
£15 for an optional pantomime trip.
Optionl donation for the poppy appeal.
£5 optional donation for cooking ingredients (that covers the whole year).

I don't think it's excessive. The sponsorship money was going towards new library books for the children.

They always seem to word the letters really nicely, and make it absolutely clear that they don't expect everyone to contribute to everything.

School dinners are cheaper than lunch boxes overall. I is "expected" that we pay for pictures because it supports the ptfa. Young voices is so expensive because they stay overnight and do a trip the next day.

No I don't have to pay for it but if I don't DD is the odd one out and I feel like shit.

I suppose it depends if you can afford to support the school and if you choose to.

Very very few, if anything is compulsory pay-out. So there’s always a choice. And if you can’t afford it or can afford some bits, simply do what works for you.

The thing is, schools are very strapped for cash. Without parents contributing here and there, what is provided will be very spartan and basic. Thats what the government funds, so some of the extras and fun buts are funded by PTA etc and if parents don’t or can’t join in with those things, then the extras don’t happen. Lots of parents don’t really realise how bad the funding situation is.

Essentially the days of fully funded education which goes beyond the basics are gone. If you want music lessons, trips, a Christmas show, some new IT in school or anything beyond the basics, parents have to foot the bill or fundraising has to happen. Shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

Personally, I’ve accepted it and come to terms with it. I accept the request for a monthly direct debit and I will go to the fete and spend £8 on tat and send in £20 over the year for non-uniform etc. It’s giving my child a more fun experience at school and I can afford to do those things. I often don’t bake or send in cakes for a cake sale, but we will go and buy.

I think the things I have more difficulty with is the charity requests. It’s absolutely right that children should learn to think about others and part of that is financial giving, but in my view, schools look to do too many on-going things and it becomes meaningless in terms of the kids learning about actually helping others. There’s no personal sacrifice or effort in asking your parents for £1 for another mufti day and often the kids don’t even know what the money is going to, I think these things should be more targeted and thought out.

Op, I’m not sure you can really make a plan for how you’ll approach this before your child gets to school. Every school does it a bit different. It’s good to start from a point of view if you’ll support the school where you can, rather than you want to support as little as you can. It’s the same, with getting personally involved with what’s going on….everyone has their own limit if what they can do or want to do, but starting from thinking you’d like to help and will see what works is a good start.

One issue I think is that some families never want to support anything. Sometimes it is about finances, but sometimes it’s just not wanting to, or hoping others will do everything. But that’s life isn’t it and I’ve also accepted there are always some of those and have decided I won’t let that stop me being involved, because I think supporting our kids’ schools is worthwhile.

@Legoisthebest

And never buy any special clothes for an event unless you really want to. Spotty clothes day - stick some spotty stickers on a t-shirt. Christmas jumper day - stick some stickers on a jumper or pin a bit of tinsel or a bauble on it. I have never know a school turn away a child on a 'special clothes' day because they are wearing the 'wrong' thing.

While schools will never turn a child away, children want to fit in they don't want to be the only kid without a Christmas jumper or a spotty t-shirt it's just extra pressure.

Throw into the mix schools with a wide income range, these things just highlight the divide.

I'm really glad the school has cut back on some of this stuff

I can't imagine being worried about all this when my dc hadn't even started at primary yet OP when people talk to you they will tell you all the horror stories, doesn't mean that every week involved an event.
Remember most money raised by the PTA (Christmas fair etc) goes into buying stuff for the school that couldn't otherwise be afforded - playground equipment, art stuff, a Christmas outing (well not this year) and also helping fund children whose parents genuinely can't afford it.
It's not bad to bring a child up to be used to giving to others either. Maybe they'll be in government as adults and actually stop cutting school funding.

Lockdownbear maybe my daughter was lucky with the primary school she went too but generally the children didn't care who was wearing a Xmas jumper or not. Some did. Some didn't. Some forgot. No one really cared.

Which is good once you know the school and set up, but remember thinking, oh shit he needs a jumper and something to wear to school party. For boys they could get away with jumper at party not so easy for girls who'll want at party dress.

All money.
New Headteacher jumper day is now a dress down day, reframing it takes away the pressure.

IME it was the worst in Reception and got a little less relentless through primary.

I kept a track for the first year and we spent £150 on 'asks' That does not include school uniform, dinners etc that would have to be paid regardless. It was things like a contribution to a Christmas hamper and then paying for tickets for the raffle for the hamper, reindeer food at Christmas, bloody paint an egg competition (that was hell), Children in Need, Comic Relief, non-uniform, poppy, sponsored whatever, harvest festival etc etc etc.

I think if you talk to other parents with kids already at the school then you may get an idea of what to expect and you can perhaps work around the demands and find the most cost effective way of meeting them. For example, world book day dress up, we worked out what costumes we had already or could assemble and then found a character that would fit.

High school uniform, btw, is beyond stupidly expensive, and I would start saving now.

It's not too bad. A pound here and there for dress up days and the money goes to the school so that's fine with me. They also do charity events like children in need. And ask for a donation for a Christmas hamper raffle. If you can't afford to pay I'm sure that's fine and that your child can still dress up....