I need advice on what to do around x mas. It’s coming up and it’s bringing me anxiety.
This will be the first Christmas with out DF- he tragically and heartbreakingly passed away this summer. Truth is I’ve not dealt with it, not seeing him at Xmas will be an emotional gut punch. He always cooked Xmas dinner and took it very seriously. He never asked for gifts, just if I would make him some biscuits. He saved the tins and always mooned over the biscuits. (God tearing up a little bit typing this, this detail isn’t strictly relevant but just to illustrate how hard it will be).
Christmas was always an immediate family affair, grandparents (now deceased) DF (now deceased) M, B and I. There is no extended family M is an only child. M,B and I have a complicated relationship. I do not have pleasant memories of my teen years with regards to M and B (I received a lot of physical discipline which often B was allowed to participate in, a lot of name calling and taunting from both, often together with regards to appearance, intellect, weight etc- I do know now this was abusive). To pre empt any questions about where my dad was at this time DF lived abroad at this time. M cut off all communication to him, blocked all incoming and outgoing calls from his number, we were allowed one supervised phonecall a week on speaker (to and from her mobile), back in the days of dial up Internet access was limited. He didn’t know the extent of what was happening. After returning to the UK DF and M lived together and their relationship was dire.
M Is still v v harsh on me, there is a clear double standard between B and I.
I am married with a 2 year old and soon to be a newborn (still cooking but receiving eviction notice shortly). By the time x mas roles around ill have a 27 month old and at max a one month old. We are also a Muslim family (my husband, kids and I), so in ourselves we don’t celebrate x mas. We participated in my families x mas celebrations (ie big roast, TV and gifts) out of deference to them. M lives 3 hours away so we’d visit for a few days, as was the preference. I understand some Muslims who read this might find it abhorrent that we participated in their x mas celebrations but we ate veggie and anything else would have hurt them. But point here is we don’t do decor ourselves, but we will have a roast (love a roast in general) and watch movies and eat chocolates.
So flash forward to now and what to do which is the part that’s causing anxiety.
Do I go to her house? I feel like hauling a toddler and a newborn on a 3 hr drive is going to be exhausting. M’s house is large but not set up for kids or even visitors. 4th bedroom has been converted into an entertainment room, my childhood bedroom has a single bed and lots of furniture. M’s room is cramped with extra furniture too. So basically space is a big issue for 2 kids to sleep. There is also the drive down, knowing how sleep deprived we’ll be. Last c mas we went and now 2 year old didn’t settle to sleep til 7am (new environment and M watching tv til 2am kept waking her up) and it was awful. M is not the helping hand type so didn’t provide any assistance or support so we could eat or rest- it’s just not her style. House is also quite unsafe from a baby/ toddler proof perspective. Plus being there without my dad will be like taking a bullet. I’ll probably have to do some of the cooking also. It just sounds like it’s going to be exhausting.
So what about hosting at my house? Well we’d have to give up our bedroom which is fine we have a spare but M doesn’t like the spare bed. That will solve the DD sleep issue, newborn will be as newborn is. But we’ll be stuck cooking an x mas dinner and looking after 2 kids my mum and her dog. Again helping hand is not her thing it won’t happen. She stayed with us after DF passed away and she was difficult to say the least. She will also kick up a huge fuss that we don’t decorate the house for x mas. There will also be the expectation that I invite and host my brother, which I do not want to do as tried to attack me during this pregnancy and Cheated DF out of money when he was vulnerable. She also always looks for any opportunity to put the boot into my husband, anything and everything. So I do feel for him here, as he does bend over backwards to try and be accommodating and it gets thrown back in his face.
Or do I just say x mas this year will be too much? as both scenarios will be incredibly stressful. But also it’s the first x mas without my dad, even though M isn’t particularly nice to me, big empty house on x mas and being alone… god that sounds f’ing awful and I don’t want to inflict that one anyone plus I’ll never hear the end of it.
To pre empt any questions about B. He lives 20 mins from her with his fiancé but it’s v v unlikely he would host her, he’d go to his in-laws. He wouldn’t stay or invite her to stay after DF passed away (when she came back from our house) But he’s subject to a different set of standards than me so it’s acceptable.
If you made it to the bottom, I’m impressed lol. Thank you! Appreciate it’s a long one but I really could use some advice on what would you do?