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Original poster

Can parents be only as happy as their unhappiest child?

91 replies

MareofBeasttown · 10/11/2021 21:03

My DD,, 21, is very unhappy at the moment. She has been anxious/ depressed for a while, which we put down to the pandemic, and now she has had to take a break from uni. She is getting treatment and is on meds which will ofc take a while to work.

I am totally unable to detach from this and find any happiness for myself. I spend all day worrring about her. It's colouring every aspect of my life, even the small joys like walking in the park or reading a book. It doesn't help that she is a very vocal depressive, giving me almost an hourly description of how awful she is feeling all the time.

If you have a child who is suffering, have you been able to detach and grab some happiness for yourself? Somehow I can only be happy when my DC are moderately happy and I wonder if DD will never be happy or even content.

OP posts:
magicstars · 10/11/2021 21:06

Sorry to hear that Dd & you are both struggling.
I find it incredibly difficult to detach from my dc & in my experience I am sad when they are.
I wonder if you both need some professional support if not yet getting it. An hour a day of talk about negative stuff sounds draining.

Original poster
MareofBeasttown · 10/11/2021 21:12

I wasn't very clear, sorry! It's not an hour every day of talk but it's frequent messages about how awful her life is. I know this is the depression talking. It is certainly very draining.

I am just wondering if there are better parents out there who can detach from their unhappy DC. DH does no better than me.The fact is that most of our DC will be unhappy at some point. For instance, part of my DD's depression was triggered by her long term boyfriend dumping her. This is surely something that will happen to all of us, but I still feel so bad for her, in a way that I am sure my parents did not feel for me. Are we all just too absorbed by our DC?

OP posts:
MrsPsmalls · 10/11/2021 21:35

No. I have never been able to detach at all and have at times made myself quite ill. DH detaches very well, but fundamentally he just doesn't care about dc as much as I do.

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Original poster
MareofBeasttown · 10/11/2021 21:45

Maybe your DH's " not caring" is a coping mechanism? I don't think it is healthy to pin one's happiness on one's DC because so much can go wrong these days. They could be serial killers even! But I can't stop myself.

OP posts:
Mosky · 10/11/2021 21:47

I suspect it's true.
Thereis nothing like that gut sinking feeling when an adult DC is unhappy or having problems. I can't rise above it.

DontKeepTheFaith · 10/11/2021 21:48

I have never been able to detach, it’s very hard. I do believe that saying is true.

Ds1 has had mental health struggles and it is hard. DS1 would try to deal himself and only talk to us when he was in crisis. Nothing I could say would ever be right and he would just be so awfully negative about anything I said or did, if I just listened, that was wrong, if I tried to offer advice or support, that was more wrong!

I did wonder if he would ever get to university as he struggled so much but always had a certain amount of drive and got himself to a top university.

He is currently in his first year at Uni and does seem to be developing some resilience. I worried so much initially but he’s been there a good few weeks now and seems to be coping well🤞 I always hoped it would be the making of him but I know it can go so wrong….

The one thing I am grateful for, as selfish as it sounds was that he wasn’t someone who wanted to talk every day. I genuinely don’t think I could have coped with the same negative conversations day in, day out.

Awful thing is, I work in mental health but it’s very different when it’s your own family. Plus when you do it day in, day out at work, it’s hard to have to continue when you get home….

ANameChangeAgain · 10/11/2021 21:49

I'm sorry your dd is going through this, and I am sorry you are too. It think its natural to worry and pin your happiness on their wellbeing. Remember though that she is of an age of needing to take responsibility for her own mental health by way of professional help. Off loading onto you daily isn't dealing with it.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2021 21:51

I believe so, yes

hellcatspangle · 10/11/2021 22:26

I really feel for you OP.

I have two grown up dc and I am only fine if they are both fine. One of mine has issues at the moment and it's tearing me up inside, I wish I could detach from it as it's making me ill.

I hope someone comes on this thread with some good advice! When they were little I used to think how lovely it'll be when they are all grown up and independent, and I can stop worrying about them - if I only I'd known that you worry much less when they're safely tucked up at home with you making decisions for them.

supermodel · 10/11/2021 22:28

I feel the same as you OP, it’s very hard.

PeterPomegranate · 10/11/2021 22:33

I’m sorry. It sounds tough on you all.

Just a plea not to tell your daughter this. My mum told me how my mental ill health was making her and my dad ill. I just didn’t know what I could do with that information. It was like she thought I could switch it off and make everything right.

Anyway, of course you should take care of yourself and talk about how you’re feeling. But not to your daughter. You probably wouldn’t anyway but thought I’d mention it :)

And I’m in a much better place now so hopefully my mum isn’t worrying about me too much!

DramaAlpaca · 10/11/2021 22:36

That saying is very sad, but very true.

FindingMeno · 10/11/2021 22:36

I guess we're hardwired to feel our children's pain and trauma just like responding to our baby's cry.
I'm sorry things are tough Flowers

LeonoraFlorence · 10/11/2021 22:41

I agree, sadly. It’s so tough at times. Flowers

Titsywoo · 10/11/2021 22:42

It's very true unfortunately. Both my children have had a very difficult time socially (probably due to ASD in both cases although only my son is diagnosed). In the hardest times it really affected me and made me very low emotionally. The ups and downs as well and the fact that DD sends me a message on whatsapp with every feeling she has makes its harder I think although I would never tell her that. I'm a far more emotional person than most people think I am and it's like a punch to the gut everytime another person is nasty to them or lets them down. Dh definitely has more distance from it than I do.

megletthesecond · 10/11/2021 22:44

I think so. My DD's struggles consume me.

5zeds · 10/11/2021 22:44

Absolutely true for me. Take care of yourself. It is unbearably hard sometimes.

Mythroatisstillsore · 10/11/2021 22:51

I agree with the statement, it's such a rollercoaster having children xx for you Flowers

Pallisers · 10/11/2021 22:51

I agree with that saying. DS graduated into the pandemic and found it really difficult to get a job (he had a good degree in STEM and work experience). he is a very even-tempered person but it was beginning to affect him - no fun being holed up in an apartment seeing no one but your friend/roommate, no social life, no job, no graduation ceremony. I worried about him every single day for months until he found his job and is doing grand.

DD1 often struggles- depression/anxiety and is very vocal about it and relies on me/us. Her final year dorm situation became a bit of a nightmare and I haven't been feeling great about it since September. DD2 was a worry last year.

It is exhausting. I really feel for you OP.

But one thing someone said to me (well our family therapist said to me) was stop and take a minute to acknowledge how you are feeling and remember it is ok to feel sad/disappointed/worried/upset that you have to feel all those things. Then also remember that you can't solve everything for them - you solved and endured stuff when you were that age and they will too.

Also dh and I have come up with a bit of a strategy. Sometimes the 2 of us are completely honest and say "this sucks, I am so worried what if etc" but a lot of the time one of us will take the doom and gloom position and the other will deliberately point out the positives/how it all will work out etc. it kind of helps us.

AndStand · 10/11/2021 22:52

I'm basically wrapped up in my son's feelings. There doesn't seem to be any escaping from it. My stomach lurches when a WhatsApp message pings through with "Mum!" on it. I live my life in a state of nervous tension and dread, and even though he's away at uni now I'm still in a state of alert.
I hate it. It's like my feelings and emotions don't matter as long as I'm there as a sounding board.

Scarby9 · 10/11/2021 22:52

I think it is true of anyone you are close to. It is natural to want everyone we love to be happy and free from pain and sadness.

Currently, for me, I can only be as happy as my unhappiest parent. Earlier in the year, I could not detach my thoughts and emotions from a very close friend going through cancer investigations.

The one time I can compartmentalise (mostly) is during work, which gives my clenched heart and tense brain a desperately needed rest, despite the stresses and challenges of that work. Work stress for me is dealable with in a way that pain for a loved one's pain really is not. That fear and pain can eat up the nights and the quieter times in the day.

Try to find some mental and emotional rest, OP. Not only do you need it for yourself, but you will also be more able to support your DD.

Mother87 · 10/11/2021 22:58

I've always found that statement to be absolutely true... And no, have never ever been able to detach myself from my DC who's had several issues over the years. I've found it very stressful/emotionally exhausting & challenging (as have they of course - being in that position in the first place!) It IS becoming easier with the odd blip... but am nowhere near feeling "relaxed" about it all yet...but am MUCH more positive about their future (and therefore mine)

RampantIvy · 10/11/2021 23:00

I can identify with and agree with every post on this thread. DD is at university, and every time my phone rings my heart lurches and I think "oh no, what's wrong?"

She has CFS and her sleep struggles make her very low. She also gets super stressed during exams and often rings me in tears.

You never stop worrying about your children.

Tigertigertigertiger · 10/11/2021 23:01

Yes.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 10/11/2021 23:06

To some extent yes and to some extent no. I do find having a child with MH difficulties hard and it does get you down at times, but on the other hand, I don't think me having depression/feeling anxious and terrible about it is going to help her, so I do actively try to make sure my life is pretty ok, via therapy, friends and support, take herbal medication. I don't want to spend every day in a state of high anxiety about what that child is doing and feeling, and I've noticed the more I mirror it, the worse they often are- it's like we are mirroring each other and it's not helpful. I know it's hard, and I can't detach as in not care, but I can look after my MH and live an interesting and fulfilling life as I think that's easier for them than bearing the responsibility of someone else's entire happiness.