Can parents be only as happy as their unhappiest child?

[MareofBeasttown]

My DD,, 21, is very unhappy at the moment. She has been anxious/ depressed for a while, which we put down to the pandemic, and now she has had to take a break from uni. She is getting treatment and is on meds which will ofc take a while to work.

I am totally unable to detach from this and find any happiness for myself. I spend all day worrring about her. It's colouring every aspect of my life, even the small joys like walking in the park or reading a book. It doesn't help that she is a very vocal depressive, giving me almost an hourly description of how awful she is feeling all the time.

If you have a child who is suffering, have you been able to detach and grab some happiness for yourself? Somehow I can only be happy when my DC are moderately happy and I wonder if DD will never be happy or even content.

@peridito thanks for that post. It is so true and moving. I have a DS as well who is quite resilient and very positive, so DD's depression is a bit unexpected for us.

I am going to a West End play today, which is so expensive I will have to switch off from DD's troubles!

I know my mum is like this, so I never tell her anything bad about my life unless it is very minor bad. I don't want to worry her or make her sad. But sometimes I wish I could be more honest with her about my life when I have had tough times.

@MareofBeasttown - sorry, I mean 'student pastoral care'.

I know lots of teens whose MH has been affected by the pandemic - it has been shit, you're right. But everyone has been in the same boat. if your dd is healthy, you're all healthy, and she has the rest of her life ahead of her to catch up on what she's missed during the pandemic, then she's doing pretty well. I think it will take some people's brains a while to realise this and get over the effects of living through a pandemic, though.

Enjoy your theatre trip today!

And great user name, BTW.

@julieca - I think most mothers are like this! Why don't you sit down and chat to your mum and tell her what you've said here? I'm sure she'd want to support you as best she can.

@whitehorsesdonotlie because I don't want to upset her. How does it help if I am stressed or depressed at times if all that happens is my mum ends up feeling that way too?
I don't want to do that to her. So learned in my twenties to always just say everything is fine and only talk about very minor issues.

Get her to be more positive - remind her how tiring it is to live with someone who's always 'glass half full'.

I agreed with most of Whitehorse's post but not this bit. That's adding the burden of your mental health on top of her own. Admit to yourself or your partner or your friends that it's exhausting. Don't make her mental health about you.

@PickupaPenguin8

I have found that statement to be very true. I am completely unable to compartmentalise. I try to but the anxiety and worry eat into every area of my life. I don’t think men are the same. I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn’t.

Self care and valuing ourselves is important, but our instincts are to protect our children before ourselves, and this is hard to over ride when they are adults.

Totally agree with this. Especially about men.

@julieca

I know my mum is like this, so I never tell her anything bad about my life unless it is very minor bad. I don't want to worry her or make her sad. But sometimes I wish I could be more honest with her about my life when I have had tough times.

I worry my kids dont tell me too much as they know how i worry about stuff.

I am also in your position. My oldest DD is also depressed (thank you covid isolation/lockdowns), and although she has moments of being slightly optimistic about the future it's mostly doom and gloom. Like you I am unable to feel happiness too, and I think that's very normal. She is also very open and wants to chat about feelings a lot, and I am so happy about that. Even if it drains me, at least she's not shutting me out.

I know I can't fix it, but I can occasionally give her moments of normality and sometimes we can be silly and laugh. Professionals are better equiped to actually help her, but I am always open to listening.

@ssd if you love your mum and you know she is like this, it is the caring thing to do.

@julieca

I know my mum is like this, so I never tell her anything bad about my life unless it is very minor bad. I don't want to worry her or make her sad. But sometimes I wish I could be more honest with her about my life when I have had tough times.

She has let you know how it affects her. Most of us are very good at hiding it because we know our DC wouldn't want us to worry.

My DC have never had such difficulties as some describe but both have gone through tough times with relationships, and had worrying health issues.

She hasnt really, I just hear the worry in her voice so don't tell her anything now.

[quote julieca]@whitehorsesdonotlie because I don't want to upset her. How does it help if I am stressed or depressed at times if all that happens is my mum ends up feeling that way too?
I don't want to do that to her. So learned in my twenties to always just say everything is fine and only talk about very minor issues.[/quote]
I know this only too well, does it come with a claim that they feel worse about it than you do if you tell them about something?! So like you, there are a lot of things we (siblings) don't discuss with our parent or even each other because we don't want to put each other in the position of having to keep something secret. It would be nice to be able to discuss everything freely.

@ChicCroissant I am sorry your mum is like this.
No for me it doesn't. I can just hear in her voice she is worried if I talk about anything negative and the relief when I say things are okay again. I love her. She cant help me, so why would I upset her? I would rather talk to someone who is not going to be made unhappy or worried about any of my problems.

Absolutely it's a yes.
DD19 broke up with her bf of 3 years 2 weeks ago. I didn't see it coming at all and we're very close and I thought I could read her mind.
After 2 weeks, I now know the full story as it's taken her a while to
talk about it and it's been a slow, drip, drip of information from her....BUT when her and bf both told me (they wanted to do tell me together) I was a complete mess, although I hid it all from DD. I couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't have a proper conversation with anyone, couldn't find any joy or happiness in anything as it just took over my whole world.
However, DD is now happier than she's been in a long time.

I am pretty self-contained as a result though.
I think to help someone struggling you do need to be able to compartmentalize a bit. Otherwise you can inadvertently add to their worries.

[quote julieca]@whitehorsesdonotlie because I don't want to upset her. How does it help if I am stressed or depressed at times if all that happens is my mum ends up feeling that way too?
I don't want to do that to her. So learned in my twenties to always just say everything is fine and only talk about very minor issues.[/quote]
I get that, but you also say 'But sometimes I wish I could be more honest with her about my life when I have had tough times', and you can't have it both ways!

A trouble shared is a trouble halved, and most parents would want to know when their dc was unhappy so they could help.

Wow I just posted on the being a parent section about this exact same thing. I take on all of my dcs worries and upsets and sometimes even more than they do.
If they aren’t happy then I can’t be and I know it’s not a healthy way to live. I just can’t detach and feel like I’m being ridiculous because bad things happen in life all the time but when it involves my dc, who are young adults now, I just can’t cope. I too feel that stomach churning, gut wrenching feeling whenever something goes wrong. I obsess about the issue constantly as well which I don’t think is normal. Yet Dh can detach quite easily.

@MistandMud

Get her to be more positive - remind her how tiring it is to live with someone who's always 'glass half full'.

I agreed with most of Whitehorse's post but not this bit. That's adding the burden of your mental health on top of her own. Admit to yourself or your partner or your friends that it's exhausting. Don't make her mental health about you.

Fair enough. I just meant that the OP could say: 'I have to think about my own MH too. (You can't pour from an empty jug, after all.) When you text me every hour telling me how awful you feel, it makes me feel bad too - it upsets me and makes me feel sad. How about saving that for the evening and then you can tell me how you feel in one go'

or something like that.

Its bizarre how linked to someone else's feelings you can be. DS is only 12 so he's still at home with us, when I can here him howling with laughter with his friends I feel so happy and content inside and his low points are my low points. If he's struggling in school I'm mentally with him all day. He has some health problems and when they're bad it absolutely fills me with the worst feeling of anxiety and dread. It's like living through your own problems but magnified by 100 because you feel responsible, he feel you should be able to make everything better. It's the hardest part of being a mum (and I say mum and not parent because DH doesn't experience this at all).

I hope things improve for you DD OP.

@peachescariad

Absolutely it's a yes. DD19 broke up with her bf of 3 years 2 weeks ago. I didn't see it coming at all and we're very close and I thought I could read her mind. After 2 weeks, I now know the full story as it's taken her a while to talk about it and it's been a slow, drip, drip of information from her....BUT when her and bf both told me (they wanted to do tell me together) I was a complete mess, although I hid it all from DD. I couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't have a proper conversation with anyone, couldn't find any joy or happiness in anything as it just took over my whole world. However, DD is now happier than she's been in a long time.

Sounds like you were in a worse state than your DD? I’d understand if she was absolutely devastated but seems like she was ok

This is the epitome of something that literally happens to everyone. It wouldn’t be pleasant seeing your child ‘broken hearted’ but equally, in this situation, surely you wouldn’t want her to stay together with forever, with someone she met when was 16..

These are the kind of things that you look back in 10 years later when you’re married with kids and think thank his that happened.

god that happened.

Tableflowerss this is the thing that I struggle with. The things that happen all the time in life but when it’s one of mine I fall apart and I think why the hell am I handling this so badly when everyone else seems to take in in their stride?

@Borisblackcat

Tableflowerss this is the thing that I struggle with. The things that happen all the time in life but when it’s one of mine I fall apart and I think why the hell am I handling this so badly when everyone else seems to take in in their stride?

Mine are younger and I worry all the time myself about them and I know that when they’re adults, I’ll worry too, but I think I’ll have to follow my own advice and think that we all went through beakers etc but we’re all still here to tell the tale etc… otherwise I’ll be a bag of nerves!

break up