Can parents be only as happy as their unhappiest child?

[MareofBeasttown]

My DD,, 21, is very unhappy at the moment. She has been anxious/ depressed for a while, which we put down to the pandemic, and now she has had to take a break from uni. She is getting treatment and is on meds which will ofc take a while to work.

I am totally unable to detach from this and find any happiness for myself. I spend all day worrring about her. It's colouring every aspect of my life, even the small joys like walking in the park or reading a book. It doesn't help that she is a very vocal depressive, giving me almost an hourly description of how awful she is feeling all the time.

If you have a child who is suffering, have you been able to detach and grab some happiness for yourself? Somehow I can only be happy when my DC are moderately happy and I wonder if DD will never be happy or even content.

I don’t know....

My mum uses that phrase as a sort of weapon to control us.
She is only happy when we are weak and she is the strong comforter.

My elder son confided in me a lot this year. It was tough. I rang the doctor about the stress of his daily unloading and she said to make some time for things I enjoy away from family. It sounds so trivial but it helped.

“I've noticed the more I mirror it, the worse they often are- it's like we are mirroring each other and it's not helpful”

Yes, you have to control it and it’s good for them to see you happy

So much agreement and pain on this thread. The last two posters seem to have found some effective coping mechanisms. I start woth an NLP therapist tomorrow, I am hoping it will help.

This is why I never tell my mum if things are bad in my life.

I would feel unhappy, if my two adult children were unhappy and stressed with things etc.. They have had periods of being so, But not seriously so, They have had times of unhappiness,, but from being their own worst enemy at times.. I would have had similar happening years ago myself,I am an oldie now But a lot of younger people now, dont seem to have a lot of resilience about things, and can't cope with any downfalls in life, and kind of give up,or resort to going to gps, and getting medication whatever..

You are always going to worry about your children, but in some cases, they need to be spurred on, and get to grips, with any upsets.

Its an awful situation for you both to be in.
Just know that it will pass, things will turn around.
My advice would be " Observe but dont absorb", unless you are in this situation it is incredibly difficult not to soak up their despair and hopelessness. It follows you like a shadiow. I worked hard on keeping a healthy mindset, creating a flower garden, taking care of myself. We would often go out for longs walks over the fields, being amongst nature is very healing. The interuption from school was what my son needed, it brought his anxiety levels down, he could then reset and recharge in his own time, not at the frantic pace/expectations of the school.
Although it can be draining, its good that your daughter can talk to you, does she journal, because that can be therapeutic, also keeping a grattitude journal because grattitude is an antidote to anxiety, it helps keep you in the present ,anxiety is futue thinking which can depending on the quality of your thoughts create anxiety.
Dare is also anvery good book,.look at reviews on Amazon.
Good luck.to you both.

@AndStand I totally get that! I get so anxious about my youngest adult son that I’ve asked him to call me rather than text if it’s something “ bad”
I am anxious and worry about my sons far more as adults than when they were little and I could keep them safe and well
I worry less about the eldest two though as they are married with children and they live with someone who loves them as much as I do .

I have found that statement to be very true. I am completely unable to compartmentalise. I try to but the anxiety and worry eat into every area of my life. I don’t think men are the same.
I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn’t.

Self care and valuing ourselves is important, but our instincts are to protect our children before ourselves, and this is hard to over ride when they are adults.

I agree about the mirroring . If one person is pulled down by another, you have two people who are depressed and anxious, which compounds the dynamic. Anything that will break the circuit is helpful.

When I was your DD age my mam dropped down dead. I never had someone looking out for me, no one stepped up, I just had to get on with it.

It’s totally understandable to worry about your kids, but she is an adult and if god forbid you dropped down dead tomorrow, there would be no one there like you, she’d literally just have to get on with it.

It’s great that you’re close and she tells you stuff but it’s not fair to put every single last thing on to you. Life is full of up and downs, so are you supposed to live your life like this forever?

She could do with learning that you get anxious worrying about her and it might make her think and realise that you have feelings too.

This also resonates with me. Precarious mental health for my eldest (dd, 19) who has struggled since she turned 13 / 14

If she calls out 'Mum' I flinch and think what's wrong now. If she rings me whilst at work I am assuming that I need to talk her out of resigning. I am often the battering ram for her raw emotion.

I am due to go away with friends for 4 days mid November and I am micro planning in great details ways of ensuring that she is happily occupied and okay (to avoid the potential of hysterical calls to me whilst I am away)

I comfort eat and drink too much because of the emotional toll

Ds on the other hand - a 'normal' 17 year old. So easy to parent! He's a bit lazy and needs the odd push but other than that he's a breeze.

I feel envious of other parents with more 'typical' teens and its difficult that a good friend, perhaps my closest friend, has one dc cut from the same 'easy going' mould as my ds and I can't talk to her about dd because she doesn't understand mental health and just thinks she is spoilt and indulged

Not the battering ram, I meant I am her punch bag - that's a better analogy

Yes, that statement is completely true for me.
Over the last 5 years both my dc have struggled with their mental health at different times. Thankfully so far not both of them at the same time.
Most recently, dd struggled in her first year at uni last year. And as others say it is a gut wrenching pain you feel whenever a message appears and you prepare yourself for having to be the strong one to help them deal with what's going on and how they're feeling.
When it has been bad for them I just cannot switch off from it and don't sleep or eat with the worry.
Dp doesn't appear to be affected at all so I don't share my thoughts with him as he just says 'they'll be alright' and carries on with his day, whilst I think of nothing else.
When your children are little you worry, but by god the worries when they are adults are so much worse. They're such huge, real life problems which could result in the worst possible outcome, the possibility of which niggles in the back of your mind constantly.
So yes, I am definitely only ever as happy as my saddest child.

Yes and no. 4 (now adult) children here and all have them have had struggles, one with severe MH problems and anorexia for many years (now doing well ..ish)

You ALWAYS worry, of course you do. But you also need to give yourself permission to switch off from it at times, otherwise you simply burn out and are no good to anyone. And also, sometimes our children have to learn that too.. that unloading on Mum (it does tend to be Mum) isn't always the right thing to do.

My eldest is about to turn 30, my youngest of four, is 24 and I never stop worrying ever, but I have also learned that sometimes they have to adult. Have to deal with their own problems themselves because I can't fix everything (though I do tend to try!)

But yes..if they are sad, I'm sad in a way DH doesn't comprehend. The maternal bond does that!

It’s true I also agree

I can rest easy if one of my children aren’t happy

My eldest had a few years of severe mh problems and I felt like my life was over as well
Try to look after yourself - small things . Cuddle the cat, walk in nature , do some yoga . So hard. Xx

CAN’t rest easy, that should read !

But yes..if they are sad, I'm sad in a way DH doesn't comprehend. The maternal bond does that!
DH adores both DC and his life revolved round them from the day they were born, and yet he still manages to detach from worrying about them.

they live with someone who loves them as much as I do
I worry much less about DS1 since he met a lovely girl who adores him.

When your children are little you worry, but by god the worries when they are adults are so much worse. They're such huge, real life problems which could result in the worst possible outcome, the possibility of which niggles in the back of your mind constantly.

This ^^ is so true.
I don't understand how some parents can emotionally detach from their children. It doesn't help that DD is an only child, we were older parents and we don't live anywhere near other family, so if anything happened to us she has no-one.

I think everything is perspective. Everyone goes through a breakup at some point. Many people lose their jobs for various reasons. These can be hard times but they are part and parcel of growing up and having normal experiences.

You have to experience the hard times to appreciate the good times.

So unless your adult ‘child’ is going through something that most people don’t go through or have a disability, then I think it would be easier to switch off, more so for men as they generally aren’t as emotional as women.

@TableFlowerss good point. I try to ask myself how worried would this make my parents if it was a similar worrying situation with one of mine which seems to help me a bit.

Thanks for all the lovely messages. Today is a bad day. DD is v low, crying in a locked room at being left behind by all her friends ( socially and academically) and my heart is just broken. Really feel guilty for having brought her into the world to suffer so much. I acknowledge that I should detach so I do not burn out but I find it hard. I really hope the meds work but it is a long road. The pandemic and online classes have given her severe social anxiety which I cannot fix.

I think something that I have found quite shocking and depressing is that you worry more about the dc the older they get. I'm not an anxious person at all, but the fact that I will have worries until I'm dead is quite unsettling. A friend told me when your dc have dc the worries multiply too 😭

You know your dd OP but personally I would try to nip the bud of her constant complaining. My dd14 has been like this since she was about 7 or 8. She used to have a "death diary" where she would write down all of the reasons she wanted to die, with things like "no Tim Horton's in our town" and other non reasons that she found catastrophic. I was obviously very concerned that she would matter of factly declare she had no reason to live, and she was referred to CAHMS, who diagnosed her as an "empath" (she is very self absorbed so we all found this quite amusing!). She has no underlying issues, but always focuses on the negative and this is something that I try to be quite firm about now. There are times when she's complaining that I have to tell her that I need to step away for a minute for my own health. But generally speaking when she complains I try to bring up as many positives as possible.

I think the saying is pretty accurate - I feel pretty much as you do when one of my dc is having a bad time. BUT I think your dd neeeds to learn some coping mechanisms. It's really not fair of her to be offloading all her feelings to you quite so often, ignoring your MH. She must realise that her emotions burden you?

Lots of negative things will happen to her - break-ups, fall-outs, losing jobs, not getting jobs, bereavements, accidents, arguments - and she has to learn how to cope with them in a way that doesn't involve her obsessing over them or leaning too heavily on you for support.

Your dd does sound quite self-asborbed and negative - one of the side-effects of depression/anxiety, I know - and this is something I'd bring up with her when she's feeling stronger.

Get her to be more positive - remind her how tiring it is to live with someeone who's always 'glass half full'.

The thing is, your worrying about her won't make a blind bit of difference; the end result will be just the same as if you hadn't spent a single second worrying about her, so try not to. I realise this is easier said than done!

Ensure that she's taking the meds she needs - they will kick in, and they should help - and counselling might help you both.

I'd also suggest getting her to help herself: not too much social media, see real people, eat healthily, not too much alcohol, get out in the fresh air, mindfulness exercises to help her focus on the positives - these will all help her more than being in her room will.

Does she have friends she can talk to? Does her uni have studcent pastol care? Can they help? Do you have RL support?

This was posted on another thread on 1 Oct by speakout. Worth repeating ,though sometimes very tough to be like that.

Can a parent be happy if their child is profoundly unhappy?

It is essential. What good does it do the unhappy child if the parent is lost in the sorrows too
^I have a severely depressed adult son- several recent suicide attempts.
I can't write off my own life to sadness because of that. Of course it is hard work, and I do have times of tears and worry, but I work to support my son with authentic joy, I know my energy can lift him and bolster him, I can model happiness and halp carry him though his darkest times. . He would feel guilty and burdened if I joined him in a dark place, it lightens his load to know that his situation is a lesser impact to me^.
I have other family members too- a daughter who deserves a mother who grasps joy and willing to share that- and shows her that our own happiness is not dependant on others
I profoundly disagree with the idea that we should live in the sorrows of an unhappy child. We can have empathy, give support and love, but I work hard to make sure my own joy is nurtured, and my own cup full- firstly for myself, but also that I may better support and engage with those I love.

@whitehorsesdonotlie

I think the saying is pretty accurate - I feel pretty much as you do when one of my dc is having a bad time. BUT I think your dd neeeds to learn some coping mechanisms. It's really not fair of her to be offloading all her feelings to you quite so often, ignoring your MH. She must realise that her emotions burden you?

Lots of negative things will happen to her - break-ups, fall-outs, losing jobs, not getting jobs, bereavements, accidents, arguments - and she has to learn how to cope with them in a way that doesn't involve her obsessing over them or leaning too heavily on you for support.

Your dd does sound quite self-asborbed and negative - one of the side-effects of depression/anxiety, I know - and this is something I'd bring up with her when she's feeling stronger.

Get her to be more positive - remind her how tiring it is to live with someeone who's always 'glass half full'.

The thing is, your worrying about her won't make a blind bit of difference; the end result will be just the same as if you hadn't spent a single second worrying about her, so try not to. I realise this is easier said than done!

Ensure that she's taking the meds she needs - they will kick in, and they should help - and counselling might help you both.

I'd also suggest getting her to help herself: not too much social media, see real people, eat healthily, not too much alcohol, get out in the fresh air, mindfulness exercises to help her focus on the positives - these will all help her more than being in her room will.

Does she have friends she can talk to? Does her uni have studcent pastol care? Can they help? Do you have RL support?

I agree with much of your post. Depressed people are definitely negative though I think some of them have good cause with the pandemic. She did see some of her friends last week, but is not doing well this week. Her doc says I should push for some of these things once the meds kick in, and not now.

My mom is a great support to me but I have not been able to speak to my friends about this. Wary of breaching DD's privacy as well as they know her and might meet her. DH's support varies depending on how shitty a day he is having at work! Sometimes he needs to detach so he can do his stressful job.