Can parents be only as happy as their unhappiest child?

[MareofBeasttown]

My DD,, 21, is very unhappy at the moment. She has been anxious/ depressed for a while, which we put down to the pandemic, and now she has had to take a break from uni. She is getting treatment and is on meds which will ofc take a while to work.

I am totally unable to detach from this and find any happiness for myself. I spend all day worrring about her. It's colouring every aspect of my life, even the small joys like walking in the park or reading a book. It doesn't help that she is a very vocal depressive, giving me almost an hourly description of how awful she is feeling all the time.

If you have a child who is suffering, have you been able to detach and grab some happiness for yourself? Somehow I can only be happy when my DC are moderately happy and I wonder if DD will never be happy or even content.

I cant believe so many people are like me. Having children seems like a life sentence of worry which in some ways I'm sorry I didn't think about more before I took it on. I don't want grandchildren because I know I'll have the same problem with the grand kids.

But, I know if my child is sad or having a hard time I have to try and push myself out of it, and be there for them in a positive upbeat way. But it's not easy.

I think parenthood goes hand in hand with some kind of attachment forever more. I have never been able to detach from my dcs’ downs and feel guilty if I try to. Same as feeling ecstatic when they’re happy and doing well. It’s part of parenthood. However I say this as mother of teens, so can’t really say what happens as they get older.

Same here. I can’t believe how many people are like me but I still think I’m extreme in the way I stress over my dcs who are young adults now.

I’m never gonna be able to detach. I’m like a lunatic sometimes. Ds had an exam today and I was absolutely bricking it. I felt ill the whole time he was in there purely because I know how bad he’d feel if he didn’t pass.

Pinkorchide the worries just move onto whatever is happening in their lives at the time so it’s no different.

I sympathise with you OP and I’d be exactly the same. I hope your dd starts to feel a bit better soon.

DD19 broke up with her bf of 3 years 2 weeks ago. I didn't see it coming at all and we're very close and I thought I could read her mind. I was a complete mess ... I couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't have a proper conversation with anyone, couldn't find any joy or happiness in anything as it just took over my whole world.

@peachescariad - really? This sounds like a massive over-reaction from you. Your dc will probably break up with lots more boyfriends before she settles down, and that's totally normal. You don't want her marrying her first boyfriend, do you?

I've been thinking about this saying alot recently.

A while back my DB's wife became very concerned about DB welfare and mental health - my DB had got deep into QANON type stuff and had taken to bed, detached from family, constantly looking online to valid opinions. My Dad travelled to DB essentially to take him back home for a while. Ended up staying with him for a few days and came back a fully fledged conspiracy theorist. Any concern DB wife had was completely dismissed as just not understanding what was going on and, the old favourite, being a sheep.

Fast forward on 12 months and I am now very concerned about by father's mental health. He can see the joy in nothing at all. I am so, so angry at my DB - who does not speak to me or my other sibling due to the fact that we have falling in to the "trap" of being jabbed. The division in what was once a close family is devastating to me.

So the saying has been on my mind recently - I really feel like my dad has become as unhappy as his unhappiest child. Whilst the rest of us have to stand and watch. I feel a very strange mixture of resentment and almost jealousy about it? Like he has chosen my DB's opinions over ours?

Apologies for using your thread for my own therapy session.

I think becoming unhappy as your unhappiest child when we are talking about adults, is not a healthy way to live at all, and not much use to those adult children either.
Being worried and concerned is normal. But some of you seem psychologically enmeshed with your adult children.

@whitehorsesdonotlie

DD19 broke up with her bf of 3 years 2 weeks ago. I didn't see it coming at all and we're very close and I thought I could read her mind. I was a complete mess ... I couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't have a proper conversation with anyone, couldn't find any joy or happiness in anything as it just took over my whole world.

@peachescariad - really? This sounds like a massive over-reaction from you. Your dc will probably break up with lots more boyfriends before she settles down, and that's totally normal. You don't want her marrying her first boyfriend, do you?

These are exactly my thoughts too.

@julieca

I think becoming unhappy as your unhappiest child when we are talking about adults, is not a healthy way to live at all, and not much use to those adult children either. Being worried and concerned is normal. But some of you seem psychologically enmeshed with your adult children.

I also agree with this and I agree with your reasons for not burdening your mum with issues. As you know, she’ll then worry and what goods that for anyone.

I think some of these adult ‘children’ need to start thinking of how it will affect their parents if they share every las room and gloom of their life.

Life is hard at times and it’s art and parcel of growing up. We’ve all done it

@julieca

I think becoming unhappy as your unhappiest child when we are talking about adults, is not a healthy way to live at all, and not much use to those adult children either. Being worried and concerned is normal. But some of you seem psychologically enmeshed with your adult children.

I don't disagree entirely, but do you have an adult child? Because I can tell you I didn't worry about my kids at all until they had adult size and irrerversible ( or at least hard to reverse) problems like dropping out of uni, mental health and so on. I don;t worry about them failing exams and such.

This thread has helped me so much, thank you, it's so difficult to pretend to be strong and unaffected by their problems so they keep talking to you, while secretly being utterly destroyed by them. I admit my view is skewed by my teenage ds with MH problems.

@MareofBeasttown no I don't, although won't be long. But I think worry is normal. I worry about other relatives. And sometimes that worry makes me unhappy e.g. if I am worried they might die, or something major. But other things I worry but it doesn't overall make me unhappy.

I can relate to this - I think that mums are like this but dads arnt!!

Not sure what the answer is but it dictates my mood / anxiety etc

My mother in law says she worries just as much as my mum does but she recognises that she has to restrain herself/has a duty to restrain herself/channel her energies into more "selfish" projects.

Consequently I have a much better relationship with my MIL than my mum

@julieca

I think becoming unhappy as your unhappiest child when we are talking about adults, is not a healthy way to live at all, and not much use to those adult children either. Being worried and concerned is normal. But some of you seem psychologically enmeshed with your adult children.

You were asked if you had an adult child. I specifically would like to ask if you have an adult child with severe mental health issues and wonder if you would be so breezily dismissive if you did

My dd11 came home sad last night from school because of friendship dramas...I am worried and it kept me awake last night so yes I definitely think it's true. I imagine once my children are adults, I'll be exactly the same.

@LimitIsUp I said I didnt have an adult child. They are nearly adults, but no not adults. And the OP is not about mothers with children with severe mental health problems. Some posters have posted about pretty ordinary sad things.