How does it make you feel if people cancel on you?

[Wisteriabloom]

I was due to have 3 friends round tonight (the 4 of us meet up every few months), but they've all cancelled🙁 It was nothing fancy, (sausage rolls, cheesecake, prosecco), but I'd shopped, baked, tidied, bought a nice winter Yankee candle to light and am feeling really let down now🤔

One canx yesterday (valid reason - family unexpectedly in the area), another canx just a few hours before I was expecting them - running out of time to pack for weekend away🤔, and the other one texted saying she'd had a full-on day at work and was too tired (hardly any notice at all), I'd set the table by then😠

Dh is trying to cheer me up by opening some wine and puttong on our farourite Box Set and I'm feeling guilty for being a grump! I'll try and cheer up, not fair on him otherwise!!

Honestly? I hate it and feel quite rejected. I find it hard not to take it personally. I also never cancel anything myself, so find it hard to understand why other people do it, unless it is a very good reason (properly ill etc). The reasons of your second and third friends sound a it rubbish to me. And even the first depends on how often they see family etc.

I do know that I overreact to this and need to be a bit more flexible.

They’re all rubbish. Don’t take it personally- people can be really lame. Cheesecake, wine and decent tv sounds great. Be kind to yourself OP

Usually a bit relieved

@irregularegular

Honestly? I hate it and feel quite rejected. I find it hard not to take it personally. I also never cancel anything myself, so find it hard to understand why other people do it, unless it is a very good reason (properly ill etc). The reasons of your second and third friends sound a it rubbish to me. And even the first depends on how often they see family etc.

I do know that I overreact to this and need to be a bit more flexible.

I feel the same. I’d be in a grump and dwell on it for ages so don’t feel bad OP. Their excuses are all BS imo- if you have plans and your family stop by you tell them ‘sorry I’m out tonight’ ? The others are just ridiculous.

They’re all shit reasons for cancelling so I’d feel how you do.

I have friends like this, we try really hard to arrange to meet then half the time it never happens.
It’s super rubbish it you have food and stuff ready though. I wouldn’t offer to host again in your shoes.

I'd be sad too. And I'm pretty thick skinned. It's a crap feeling.

I'll join you in a sausage roll if you've one going spare? What cheesecake are we on?

I have a friend with whom I no longer make arrangements with as she was so unreliable to meet up with. Either she just forgets or cancels with 30 mins notice or postpones a few days.

1 or 2 people... it happens. 3 people though? To me, I would be convinced they discussed it amongst themselves and cancelled together.
That is me though, and I am generally very paranoid!

I'll raise you a glass this eve, enjoy the goodies yourself and DH.

I don't take it personally, in that I believe that flakey people are pretty indiscriminate in their flakiness, but I do find it rude.

I did cancel someone a couple of months back as I'd accidentally double booked, thinking one meet up was a week later. One person lived 200miles away and was only in town for that day, so I prioritised him. I felt AWFUL though, and immediately suggested to my other friend that we meet the following day and I'd buy lunch, which I do hope helped her feel that I really did want to see her.

I cant stand flakiness. Valid reason is fine and these things happen, but when people cancel last minute Id feel exactly the same as you

Its rude, it disrespectful of your time. Youve prepped for this and they are cancelling to pack for a weekend away on a weds?

@Ronacorona I think we might have the same friend!
I would feel let down too OP. In some situations I do feel a bit relieved when a social event is cancelled however if I’ve gone to a lot of trouble I would be disappointed. Agree with pp that people can be really lame at times.

It drives me mad actually. I have a couple of groups of friends and we can never arrange anything without losing at least half of the group on the actual day of the event!

And excuse me for being terribly sexist but I feel like women are particularly rubbish at this sort of thing. DH can arrange to meet his friends at short notice and they'll all turn up at the time specified. When my friends and I arrange something it's like, "ooh, when is everyone free? I'm free next Thursday, "ooh, well I can only do three weeks on Tuesday," "well I can only do that Saturday..." and there's a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. We agree a time/date/place that suits everyone but you can guarantee there'll be cancellations. People are ill/forgot that they had different plans/great great great great Auntie Phyllis on Uncle Norbert's side has suddenly come to stay.

Or maybe DH's mates like him better than mine do me 😂.

How rude! No recognition if all the prep that went into it 😮 they should be trying to make it up to you. I'd feel horrible and it would change how I felt about them.

* I would be convinced they discussed it amongst themselves and cancelled together.*

^This. It is so obvious

Yeah that's crap OP, YADNBU. I would take a nice artsy photo of the cheesecake and send it to them all saying "sorry you couldn't make it to taste this cheesecake I made, it's divine". Just the right side of passive aggressive guilt trip I think.

It makes me feel really shit and I have let friendships go because of how it makes me feel. I recognised that one friend in particular was really flaky and it just made me feel like I was unimportant to her so I stopped arranging anything.

That is really rude. I hate when people cancel last minute like that. I would never do it. I might moan a bit privately about having to go out after work but I’d never cancel after I’d committed to someone.

That's bad form, I'd have to let them know how disappointed I was

Did they all see the cancellation messages? Friend 3 (if she were I) might feel a bit funny if it was one to one not a group thing. Anyway, all that cheesecake is yours: result!

[quote Ilovealido]@Ronacorona I think we might have the same friend!
I would feel let down too OP. In some situations I do feel a bit relieved when a social event is cancelled however if I’ve gone to a lot of trouble I would be disappointed. Agree with pp that people can be really lame at times.[/quote]
Sometimes I'm relieved she's cancelled if I've stuff to do indoors but other times I've held off eg going to gym, cinema in order to keep the planned meet-up only to have her txt me cancelling. Grr, that makes me frustrated. Hence why I no longer plan to meet up other than impromptu arrangements.

It’s rude after you’ve gone to so much trouble and effort

Are they all working or have things they have to do during the day? I really struggle with mid week engagements due to a busy day

Make them host you next time

It really, really pisses me off. It shows an utter lack of respect or care for someone & if you do have to cancel then you make it up to them.

I've a friend who cancels last minute, with excuses like 'can't do people today' or 'too tired'. Last year, before DC started school we'd meet for playdates weekly & I found myself saying to DD 'we MIGHT see X today' because she started cancelling so often. Also did it with coffee dates, etc. - especially since she kept saying she 'owed' me coffee for doing something for her & 'would arrange it'. Is happy to do things last minute with new friends though.

I just don't bother trying with her anymore. I honestly think she doesn't get how much it hurts to do this to people & is completely, totally selfish. I just wish I'd said something.

It makes me really sad, particularly when people say something like ‘oh my family suddenly needed…. ’. I am not close to my family and rely on my friends and it’s just a reinforcement that they don’t need me as they have their families (but that’s my own projection!)