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Original poster

How does it make you feel if people cancel on you?

82 replies

Wisteriabloom · 10/11/2021 20:22

I was due to have 3 friends round tonight (the 4 of us meet up every few months), but they've all cancelled🙁 It was nothing fancy, (sausage rolls, cheesecake, prosecco), but I'd shopped, baked, tidied, bought a nice winter Yankee candle to light and am feeling really let down now🤔

One canx yesterday (valid reason - family unexpectedly in the area), another canx just a few hours before I was expecting them - running out of time to pack for weekend away🤔, and the other one texted saying she'd had a full-on day at work and was too tired (hardly any notice at all), I'd set the table by then😠

Dh is trying to cheer me up by opening some wine and puttong on our farourite Box Set and I'm feeling guilty for being a grump! I'll try and cheer up, not fair on him otherwise!!

OP posts:

musicalfrog · 10/11/2021 21:19

Yes it feels horrible. Three strikes and they're out, I don't have infinite time on this planet and I won't waste it on flakey 'friends'.

On the plus side it sounds like your DH is a sweetheart so you're still winning.

Sparkletastic · 10/11/2021 21:21

That is shit of them but then I do hate mid-week socials. Were you the driving force behind arranging this on a Wednesday night?

hopeishere · 10/11/2021 21:21

Tow out of the three I asked for my birthday cancelled. We be was busy at work and the other had a kid was covid. I was upset but went out anyway and had a great night!

It does feel personal though.

Noshowlomo · 10/11/2021 21:23

I love it because I’ve become a major hermit during lockdown… I know I need to work on that but honestly I love going to bed when my toddler goes at 8. My husband says he never seems me.
So I try not to make plans now as I know I’ll want to cancel but if I do and other cancel i am relieved

MareofBeasttown · 10/11/2021 21:25

I would be very upset by this. But then I have very few friends and rarely entertain, so if I did invite people over it would be a big deal for me. I never cancel unless it is an absolute emergency ( covid wd be a valid excuse)

Kite22 · 10/11/2021 21:27

I would be really confused by that.

I mean, one person cancelling for no valid reason would be disappointing, but 3 ?
I would let them know how disappointed I was.

That's really poor.
Are they inclined to be like that?
I just can't get my head round the idea of letting down a friend that I'd arranged to meet, unless I was ill.

Mythroatisstillsore · 10/11/2021 21:30

I would be convinced they discussed it amongst themselves and cancelled together.*

^This. It is so obvious

Disagree completely. One drops out, it's a domino effect. It's not you it's them but absolutely don't think they colluded

MrsPsmalls · 10/11/2021 21:31

These people are cowards. They didn't want to come in the first place but couldn't bring themselves to say so. They have all prioritised nonsense ahead of you. Which is up to them, but they shouldn't have agreed to come. I would be dumping them tbh.

Echobelly · 10/11/2021 21:31

An absolute pet peeve of mine and a reason I years ago stopped organising as much with people - unless there was a really big crowd too easy for everyone to cancel on you.

I was nervous around my 40th birthday party, last big personal thing I organised, as I expected the cancellations to come flooding in during the afternoon and evening and to end up with barely anyone there, but almost everyone came through except a few people who had good reasons. It felt like a bit of a miracle TBH

Trouble with being contactable at all times is that people can let you know they are cancelling until the last minute. I'd always plan things around engagements to make sure I'm able to come, and if I'm tired I will still bloody go. Really only illness or a family commitment are acceptable reasons to cancel on an invitation someone has been kind enough to extend to you, no matter how casual.

TillyTopper · 10/11/2021 21:31

Relieved!

OrangeBananaFish · 10/11/2021 21:32

That is precisely the reason why I don't bother arranging anything. I'm always getting cancelled on. Never even do for my birthday.

The most recent was a friend who got a job near where I lived. She suggested we go for a run after work (I was WFH at the time, she is a key worker). We arranged to meet 5 times. She cancelled on the day 3 of those times. I've stopped contacting her. Not fallen out, just decided I wasn't going too make an effort anymore. She could soon message me, she hasn't so far. Meh, fuck 'em.

Mythroatisstillsore · 10/11/2021 21:33

Happened to a friend of mine, 7 us going - literally an hour or two beforehand they started dropping like flies - one had to help her son with exam prep, one had meeting to prepare for, one was too tired and I had zoned out by 4th excuse. 3 of us still went but I felt so sorry for my poor friend who had cooked and cleaned all afternoon. I don't think they colluded though

Echobelly · 10/11/2021 21:34

It did get to the stage where I was saying to some people 'Please make sure you can make it because it would be really awkward/there's only one other person coming and if they cancel it's all off'.

I don't think there's anything sus about 3 or even 4 people cancelling - everyone just assumes everyone else will be going when they drop out.

MareofBeasttown · 10/11/2021 21:36

Relieved to hear that other people are cancelled on all the time. Was wondering if it was only me. Clearly I need to invite about 50 people over to make sure of having 5!

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 10/11/2021 21:40

Thanks everybody💕

Meredith - There's some sausage rolls left if you're quick😀 And the cheesecake is Salted Caramel😋

Frazzled and Busysittingdown - Your friends sound similar to mine, they can only make certain days, have to plan well in advance etc, and then 'Oh let's just do another day'🙁 And when you've spent time getting a date agreed everyone can make, and prepped for hosting it's
hurtful🤔 It was my 'turn' to host. Evenings when the others have hosted sometimes get postponed, but never been canx on the day. It does make we wonder if they just didn't want to come, and planned to bail on me🤔

Dh says they take me for granted, and because they see me as being 'nice' they rely on me just accepting this behaviour, without challenging it. He may be right there.

I take any commitments seriously, if a meet-up is set it goes straight on the calendar and (barring illness or worse), I'll be there! Dh doesn't have all this with his friends, meet-ups are suggested at short notice, (on the day sometimes) and they happen! Even a coffe catch-up with just one of this group has tk be sorted 2 weeks before, then often canx, finally happening on the 3rd attempt!

Yes i see 'packing for weekend away' as a lame excuse. She's going early Friday morning, granted, but still ... 🤔

The food wasn't wasted, at least. DD & DS (teenagers) are both in tonight (unusual for them) so most of the sausage rolls & cheesecake were gratefully received!

Anyway, lesson learnt I suppose, i won't be offering again🤔 I wish i could make it clear they've upset me though, WHY did i reply 'It's ok' to them? I'm not ok with it at all!

OP posts:

Turkishangora · 10/11/2021 21:41

YANBU, I find cancellers really hard and also "friends" who won't commit to plans. I've stopped making arrangements with a fair few people due to this. I'm a bit sad I no longer see some people but I just can't cope with it. Friendship circle seems to be sinking as I get older.

Pigeontown · 10/11/2021 21:54

Honestly. Dont stand for this. I did for years. Especially when kids young. If you have no boundaries other people walk all over you. I accepted the crumbs and it continued. I was also left out of things. After a while I realised I was a B list friend. Only there if there wasn't a better offer. Also women who can't go if others cancel : How pathetic. Seriously.. slowly fade them out. I moved to a different town and the relief was amazing. I have zero time for cancelling-types now. One strike and they're out. I'm also better at picking up on the phoney 'let's grab coffee soon'. Used to think they meant it. Now I know they don't. If I suggest something and not keen and no return suggestion or offer I don't bother again. I have a lot fewer friends and can be lonely but I don't constantly feel like I'm dancing around trying to win the approval of people who are undeserving.
Your exact scenario happened to me. It was so crushing. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I'm betting these are 'mummy' friends not long term ones. Those friendships are often the worse. Built entirely on sand.

Snoken · 10/11/2021 21:56

I do really value my friends and see them most weekends, but midweek evening arrangement at the darkest time of are hard for me to get excited about. I have long days working, 10-11 hours at the moment, and just want to get into my comfy clothes and gave dinner in front of the TV. I am a people pleaser though so I tend to say yes to most things, and then bitterly regret it as it gets closer to the time. Sometimes I do cancel if I have had a particularly hard day.

Ozanj · 10/11/2021 22:02

It’s really shit to be telling you so short notice. I would be telling them all you had brought in food and wine and how shit you feel about it so they understand the consequences of their actions.

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 10/11/2021 22:14

It was me who suggested this Weds evening, yes, but none of them can ever make Friday or Saturdays, and one of them this week said she couldn't make tomorrow evening (Thurs).

One of them doesn't work, the other 2 work full-time and i work part-time, so a mixture really! I totally understand the mid-week tiredness for those working full-time, but i wish they'd been honest with me. They sounded so keen on Messenger, when I suggested it last week🤔

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpy · 10/11/2021 22:21

I hate it but the thing I hate most is those that cancel for possibly genuine reasons but it’s oh but we really must arrange something soon though . Yeah well this is the thing you’ve cancelled so it’s up to you to decide when’s convenient as your the one that bloody well cancelled. It’s putting me off actually arranging anything with one or 2 people because of this .

merrymelody · 10/11/2021 22:29

Last minute cancellations are extremely rude. Short of a major catastrophe, not acceptable. Bail on me, don't expect another invitation.

Redyellowblue34 · 10/11/2021 22:32

Revert to Plan B - which in this case would be, cosy up to very kind and thoughtful DH and quaff cake and Prosecco with gay abandon

MeredithGreyishblue · 10/11/2021 22:40

Save me one and a slice of cheesecake. I've got chocolate digestives and leftover birthday cake if you want a bit? A proper one from a cake maker too. Needs eating, you'd be doing me a favour.

Cheers, OP xx

Keladrythesaviour · 10/11/2021 22:40

I'm pretty relaxed with friends but that would definitely piss me off. If I'd spent time prepping for them etc, probably spent money on getting food in etc and they can't be bothered to turn up without a real valid reason? I'd be grumpy.
Let your DH try and cheer you up - he knows why you're being grumpy and is saying it's fine, let's do something nice instead. That's really not cool on behalf of your friends.

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