How does it make you feel if people cancel on you?

[Wisteriabloom]

I was due to have 3 friends round tonight (the 4 of us meet up every few months), but they've all cancelled🙁 It was nothing fancy, (sausage rolls, cheesecake, prosecco), but I'd shopped, baked, tidied, bought a nice winter Yankee candle to light and am feeling really let down now🤔

One canx yesterday (valid reason - family unexpectedly in the area), another canx just a few hours before I was expecting them - running out of time to pack for weekend away🤔, and the other one texted saying she'd had a full-on day at work and was too tired (hardly any notice at all), I'd set the table by then😠

Dh is trying to cheer me up by opening some wine and puttong on our farourite Box Set and I'm feeling guilty for being a grump! I'll try and cheer up, not fair on him otherwise!!

I'm just glad now that tonight was going to be just a 'normal' midweek meet-up and not for a significant occasion, (my birthday) for instance, I'd have felt even more crap!

It's actually my 50th birthday in January, and a few people have said 'Ooh are you having a party?' No, I'm not, due to people being increasingly flakey! My worst nightmare is inviting, say a dozen people to a restaurant or my house, everyone saying yes, then only about 4 turning up. Mortifying!

No, dh & I have a weekend away booked, I'm going to see a show in a nearby city the day after my birthday with 2 friends (theatre tickets booked) and these two are like me, they never cancel!

And a restaurant meal the following week with dh, both our teenagers, my parents and sister, husband & children.

These events are spread over 2 weeks, I"m looking forward to each one and I KNOW they will happen. Perhaps some people wouldn't think that's enough for a 'big' birthday, but for me? It's perfect🙂

I hope you really enjoy your birthday OP, it sounds fabulous.
I hate people who cancel at the last minute, particularly with lame excuses.

@SmellyOldOwls

Usually a bit relieved

Me too!

Thank you 'Oh Give Up'! I'm really looking forward to it🙂

It suits me much better to have several 'small' events planned, with people i'm close to, than invite everyone I know to something and have less than half of them actually turn up!

I even felt slightly embarrassed yesterday in front of dh & kids. Dh came back from work and said 'All ready for tonight then?' To which i replied 'I was, but they've all cancelled'. He didn't really know what to say as i started putting away the glasses, gin bottle, napkins, candles etc. Nothing he could say really! The kids came in, expecting to find a houseful of people and i had to tell them too! DD was a bit disappointed, as she knows one of them (she's a neighbour) and always enjoys chatting to her. Having that awkwardness magnified on a 'big' birthday celebration, with people not turning up, well, i just won't put myself through it!

It happened to a friend of mine - she invited 6 people in total to an Escape Room & meal out afterwards for her 40th birthday. We all accepted the invite, but only myself & 2 others actually turned up. The others made lame excuses last minute🙁 My friend put a brave face on it, but we could see how upset she was🤔 Some people just don't think about how their actions affect others!

@BusySittingDown

It drives me mad actually. I have a couple of groups of friends and we can never arrange anything without losing at least half of the group on the actual day of the event!

And excuse me for being terribly sexist but I feel like women are particularly rubbish at this sort of thing. DH can arrange to meet his friends at short notice and they'll all turn up at the time specified. When my friends and I arrange something it's like, "ooh, when is everyone free? I'm free next Thursday, "ooh, well I can only do three weeks on Tuesday," "well I can only do that Saturday..." and there's a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. We agree a time/date/place that suits everyone but you can guarantee there'll be cancellations. People are ill/forgot that they had different plans/great great great great Auntie Phyllis on Uncle Norbert's side has suddenly come to stay.

Or maybe DH's mates like him better than mine do me 😂.

Hmm, I do think that's a bit sexist. A friend of mine said that and I pointed out it was because women are more likely to be the ones ferrying kids to after school clubs and calling in on elderly parents and babysitting for a friend and never assume their time is their own whereas men see a blank calendar unless they have put something in it for themselves.

Different for all three really.

The first one is understandable - The second one is very rude.

The third could be either depending on her job and how it effects her. I’ve done the same to my friend after a truely bad day as has she to me but we understand each other and neither of us would do it unless it was job affecting mental health kind of day.

I'm usually a bit relieved

But if they've left it so late that you've already baked, cleaned and shopped I'd be a bit fed up. Cancelling with a week or even a few days is fine and I'd be quite happy, in the day or the day before I'd be a bit cheesed off

@lunarlandscape, yes as I said it sounds sexist but then so is the assumption that it's the women that ferry the kids around and call on elderly relatives. Maybe that's one of the reasons that I never cancel? DH and I share everything equally and if the kids needed something I would say "DH, I have plans you'll have to do it tonight or would you be able to pick up on X so that I can go to Y?"

Some of the most frequent cancellers that I can think of (that I know) have grown children or no children so it's not the ferrying around after children that is the issue. I think it's that they just can't be bothered.

@drpet49

* I would be convinced they discussed it amongst themselves and cancelled together.*

^This. It is so obvious

Yes it sounds like the first and maybe second person couldn’t come and then the third made an excuse as didn’t want to come on her own.

All these people who would be relieved at their friends cancelling on them should probably just stop inviting them in the first place. I’d hate to think I was being hosted grudgingly!

The third friend who cancelled, i actually texted her 1 - 1, saying I'm sure she'd seen on the group that the other 2 weren't coming but she was still welcome (plenty of buffet food & wine as was all prepped)!!

She sent me a long text back - full-on day, problems with a client, had to stay at work later than planned, do i mind if we do another night!'

I was resigned to it at that point, sent a short 'Ok' text back and cleared everything away🤔

If they cancel with notice, fine, things come up, but this is not acceptable. I’d be livid and I’d let them know about it.

@Wisteriabloom

Thank you 'Oh Give Up'! I'm really looking forward to it🙂

It suits me much better to have several 'small' events planned, with people i'm close to, than invite everyone I know to something and have less than half of them actually turn up!

I even felt slightly embarrassed yesterday in front of dh & kids. Dh came back from work and said 'All ready for tonight then?' To which i replied 'I was, but they've all cancelled'. He didn't really know what to say as i started putting away the glasses, gin bottle, napkins, candles etc. Nothing he could say really! The kids came in, expecting to find a houseful of people and i had to tell them too! DD was a bit disappointed, as she knows one of them (she's a neighbour) and always enjoys chatting to her. Having that awkwardness magnified on a 'big' birthday celebration, with people not turning up, well, i just won't put myself through it!

It happened to a friend of mine - she invited 6 people in total to an Escape Room & meal out afterwards for her 40th birthday. We all accepted the invite, but only myself & 2 others actually turned up. The others made lame excuses last minute🙁 My friend put a brave face on it, but we could see how upset she was🤔 Some people just don't think about how their actions affect others!

I think you should tell them. I feel bad for you. I totally get the embarassment and humiliation. They should know how inconsiderate they have been and how much thought you put into the evening.

I know it's hard, but you need to call them on it. You don't need to be aggressive about it, just factual. Rather than just saying ok, say something like such a shame you weren't able to make tonight. I was really looking forward to it and had bought prosecco and food for us all to enjoy. Anyone who doesn't respond to that with a decent apology is either thick or a friend not worth having.

I have a flakey friend. I called her on it. She's still flakey but it's rare these days and on the odd occasion it happens I always get a decent amount of notice from her now.

I think they were all quite rude - especially the second two!

I know what you mean about the embarrassment - I feel a bit like that in these kinds of situations, even in front of DH who I obviously really don't need to prove anything to. It makes me feel like a right Billy no mates. BUT those feelings are misplaced! It's not you that is the problem, it's them.

I'm quite careful about what I agree to. It's difficult for me to commit to anything socially that doesn't involve my children. DH is a busy shift worker and we have no family in this country so I pretty much always need to rely on finding a babysitter, which can be unreliable. But if I tell someone I'm going to be there for something, I will do my absolute best to make sure that I am.

Your friends should be embarrassed about cancelling at the last minute for such shitty reasons. I think sometimes one person cancelling sets off a chain reaction.

Relieved 😅

That's sad OP. Those are feeble excuses. Even the family member in town. Your friend already had plans with you, so I wouldn't have expected to be dumped for them to see someone else.

Packing for a weekend trip is also ridiculous. Being too tired after work too relax at a friend's house is a bit pathetic, too.

So I'd be upset with all of them and rethink the friendships. Bit dramatic, but life is short and I'd be reprioritising how they feature in my life.

Thank you PoshWatch. My dh said exactly the same! He said i should drop the lot of them, and just focus on those who actually give a toss about me!

Feeling a bit better this evening, looking forward to lunch tomorrow with my friend I've kept in touch with since schooldays. We meet around once a month, and I've NEVER known her to cancel! Thing is, I'm a fairly quiet person, value my friendships but have always been one for small groups & a few close friends, so maybe I'm not extroverted enough for the group that canx on me?

I'd say two are v extroverted, the other not so much but prob slightly more than me.
What's annoyed me today is the one who canx due to weekend away has been on group chat talking about a New Year party she's hosting, and we're apparently all invited. It came across a bit as 'So sorry Wisteria that none of us came last night, but guess what, you're all invited to my party!' The other two are all.over her now, heart emoticons, saying they can't wait, etc! Yet they couldn't be bothered to come to mine. (Wasn't a party, granted, just a chilled catch-up) but i now feel maybe that's not enough for them🤔 Hmm, I think they very much see me as a B-List friend, happy to chat to me in the street/invite along when there's already a group, but come to my house/meet 1 - 1? They obviously don't want to! I was surprised how last night affected me tbh, as I'm fairly self-sufficient. I could have coped with 1, even 2 of them cancelling, but all 3 felt like a blatant slap in the face!

Don't usually care as I never need an excuse to lay on the sofa and please myself. However, that's for normal plans. Had I prepped like you I would be feeling a bit miffed.

I remember rare cancellation when I was young, this was made worse because I had an awful family situation and I was desperately trying to get out.
However that was rare.

The only time I've come across totally uncaring cancellation was nct group! I'd prepare house, buy in biscuits.... Tidy then one by one they would cancel all saying "but have a fabulous time".
But I must admit I've never had that before dromedary friends growing up, I wasn't used to it m

@Wisteriabloom

Thank you PoshWatch. My dh said exactly the same! He said i should drop the lot of them, and just focus on those who actually give a toss about me!

Feeling a bit better this evening, looking forward to lunch tomorrow with my friend I've kept in touch with since schooldays. We meet around once a month, and I've NEVER known her to cancel! Thing is, I'm a fairly quiet person, value my friendships but have always been one for small groups & a few close friends, so maybe I'm not extroverted enough for the group that canx on me?

I'd say two are v extroverted, the other not so much but prob slightly more than me.
What's annoyed me today is the one who canx due to weekend away has been on group chat talking about a New Year party she's hosting, and we're apparently all invited. It came across a bit as 'So sorry Wisteria that none of us came last night, but guess what, you're all invited to my party!' The other two are all.over her now, heart emoticons, saying they can't wait, etc! Yet they couldn't be bothered to come to mine. (Wasn't a party, granted, just a chilled catch-up) but i now feel maybe that's not enough for them🤔 Hmm, I think they very much see me as a B-List friend, happy to chat to me in the street/invite along when there's already a group, but come to my house/meet 1 - 1? They obviously don't want to! I was surprised how last night affected me tbh, as I'm fairly self-sufficient. I could have coped with 1, even 2 of them cancelling, but all 3 felt like a blatant slap in the face!

Your DH is spot on. These people don't see you as worthy of sticking to a confirmed arrangement. I don't know a single adult in my life who would do this without a seriously good cause. There is currently a xmas party being organised and one of the invitees just turned down the invitation as double booked and that's despite it being well over a month away and the xmas party being a very popular do.

Their behaviour is flaky, you'll never relax when you have plans with them. They need relegating to acquaintance. Sorry you had that OP

Depends what the reason is tbh. In your position id accept unexpected family in the area, but the other two reasons are rubbish.

I would absolutely hate it OP. I can’t abide flakiness! It’s one of my worst bugbears and I tend to distance myself from people who cancel frequently. I think it’s because I’m a bit of an extrovert who loves seeing people so I really look forward to it. Plus my house is always a total disaster zone so if I’ve tidied then I really want to make the most of it!

I'm reluctant to make an effort at my place for friends anymore. On bonfire night we had a little "party". The house was blitzed plus the garden. I spent upwards of £60 on food and drinks, cooked a massive chilli and kid friendly food. People arrived from about 7.30 onwards including some friends nearer to 8 who'd promised to bring sparklers but didn't bother. By 9.30 everyone had left making various excuses about "needing to get back". The 8pm friends left after half an hour muttering about their 4 year old needing bed. It's just really really rude. We'd gone to a big effort for a decent party and it was flat as a pancake. People came, ate, toasted a marshmallow or 2 then left. A lot of effort for 2 hours and we won't be going it again.

I wonder if these days I'm a bit quiet and not extrovert and "fun" enough for a lot of people. All finding friends and socialising so hard at mo, and when little cancel I feel devastated. Probably an overreaction but I can't help it. Unless I'm ill I never cancel, but am also very very careful to not commit to stuff I know I'll find uncomfortable.