If you are part of a two parent family where both parents work

[BettyBotta]

….what % of the following do you do on an average week? And do you have external help (eg cleaner / nanny / gardener)?

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

1. Cooking & food shopping

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc)

Reason I ask before someone says I’m a journalist (I’m not) is that I feel I do too much. I work 4 days per week (from home) and do over 80% of the above. DH is not lazy but he works ridiculous hours, has a long commute so is simply not here

DH does all the gardening, and stuff like cleaning the cars, but that’s an issue in itself as it eats into weekends (he has no free time other than weekends) so when combined with his hobby (which I fully support - I share the same hobby myself) it leaves too little family time.

Currently we don’t have any paid help but we are looking at putting something in place as I am completely overwhelmed.

(Yes I know single parents do it all and I take my hats off to them, must be really tough)

1. I do 70% (school drop off is 50/50, clubs all me)

1. 50/50

1. 90% me (husband does dishwasher and will do washing a couple of times a week)

1. 70/30 - husband deals with financial stuff, insurance, mortgage etc. These things don’t need dealt with weekly though.

Husband would think he does a lot in the house but if we were to list all the jobs that need done and work out a proper percentage then he would realise he doesn’t do nearly as much as me.

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections 20%

1. Cooking & food shopping 75%

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework 100% (cleaner for 2 hours but I do daily maintenance, decluttering, all laundry)

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists 80% - he sorts his own medical appointments and presents for his family, I do everything for our daughter

We both work full time, I'm in the office 3 days a week and he's 2 days a week but even when we were both out of the home, the majority fell to me.

He'll do things if I ask, but he'd never eg see an email from the school and just print out the form / complete the online consent / pay the bill in scopay - just wouldn't cross his mind.

It's the main reason I'm considering divorce, I'd still have everything to do but for one less person.

We both work but DH’s work is far more time-consuming than mine- he often works 14-16 hour days and also has a lot of business travel, whereas my work is 9-5. Although I do far more at home than him, I absolutely wouldn’t want him to do more as he works extremely hard. If I wanted to do less I’d get more help in.

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

100% me during the week, 70% at the weekend.

2. Cooking & food shopping

100% me

3. Cleaning, washing, general housework

90% me during the week, 50% at the weekend. We have a cleaner twice a week who also irons.

4. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking

100% me

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

Pre-pandemic, I did 80-90%. We both WFH now so split about 50-50 (DH enjoys the walk!)

1. Cooking & food shopping

95% me

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

30-40% of day-to-day cleaning - DH is a neat-freak so does most as I have lower standards! I do most of the big stuff though (reorganising, sorting out old clothes for charity shop etc).

1. Life admin

Kids stuff 95% me, other household about 50-50.

I work 30hrs, DH 40. I used to have preschool aged DS on my day off but now he’s started school I use the day off doing lots of long overdue jobs round the house.

We don’t have any outside help.

We both work full time in stressful long hour jobs. We split everything 50/50. We have 2 dc so we take a child each to drop off in morning and pick up at night. They are at different nurseries.

We have a cleaner once a week and in summer have a gardener once a fortnight. Get shopping delivered etc.

Cooking I do all of it but DH does clothes washing etc

I must say though the biggest inequity for me is not the time spent doing but the time spent thinking.

It’s all the ‘what have we got in for dinner tonight?’, ‘has DS got his football kit?’ ‘do they need new school shoes?’ ‘Do I need to organise more playdates so DD makes friends?’ etc etc etc

Son is now grown up but:

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections - this was shared between us, I worked from home one day a week and then most days, and DH did (and still does) two half days we we could share.

1. Cooking & food shopping mainly me but DH has increasingly done more. I used to do the main shop online but he decided he wanted to do it in person. I go into town several times a week for extras though as it's a 10 minute walk.

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework - shared and probably more DH. I do more of the clothes washing.

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc) - I don't really see it as "life admin" as most things are on direct debit. MOTs tends to be whoever thinks of it. DH used to take ds for haircut before he took himself from about 14 and used to take him to the dentist when he went. However, I did organise DS's life for him before he went to uni, sorted out paying his accommodation and will arrange birthday present for him. Oh and I have never written a Christmas card for DH's family - he does his own family!

When our now adult children were young, ex worked shifts (police) and I worked 5 weekday mornings 9-1 which extended as they got older and when the youngest went to high school became 9-5. With ex's shifts, we were covered for childcare 3/5 mornings a week and my mum had them for the other two. As they got older, I did all nursery drop offs and pick ups, school runs (unless away for work) , parents evenings, life admin, school forms/applications etc.
Ex did DIY, gardening, would hoover/clean if asked, cook in the evening if I hadn't already, ditto washing in machine etc, but the majority of house work, homework, cooking, running around for after school clubs fell to me. I also sorted out birthdays, christmas, holidays and pets.

Looking back, it sounds very one sided but it worked for us at the time.

When kids at nursery /primary school wrap around care split 60/40 between us (me/him) We picked a nursery near my work and the train station for him so one of us depending on what was happening could share it.
Childcare arranged by me - husband wouldnt have had a clue! But no longer a thing to do as kids older.
Now at secondary school pick up no longer an issue. We both have access to show my homework and on email distribution list so whoever home can prompt what homework needs to be done and knows if a after school club cancelled work out making sure one of us around.
We do have a cleaner and a dog walker.
& must household things are shared (he cooks I do the washing etc)
I pick up most of the life admin but it’s all online so doesn’t really take to long. Birthdays we just do our own family so if he forgets it’s his fault.

1. I do about 60% of childcare, drop offs etc. Except on mat leave atm and so somehow do 100% of it 🙃

1. I do all food shopping - we do it online but I do the orders as dh woild just never think to do it. DH does about 70% of cooking though.

1. Cleaning - I do everything except dishwasher and bins! Really considering getting a cleaner when I go back to work next month after my mat leave as I really bloody hate doing the bathroom cleaning!

1. Life admin and day to day remembering for both of us and kids pretty much falls to me mostly. DH seems to have taken responsibility for cars, internet/tv and gas bills though which helps!

Childcare - on average I dropped of and DH collected. Until school age we used a nursery, after that a childminder until secondary.

Cooking and food shopping - I cook because I like it. Food shopping is mixed. I do some on my days off and the big shop is done by whoever has time.

Cleaning, washing, general chores - we normally have a cleaner, I do the laundry, DH does the dishes. Other stuff depends. The garden is very low maintenance for a reason. DH will do of the practical stuff. Any kind of bigger work like painting etc is outsourced.

Life admin - DH is responsible for the car. I do the majority of other things but I only work 3 or 4 days a week so there is more time. I shop for DD and do her admin for hobbies, social life etc. But he plays daddy taxi more than me and is involved in her Scout group.

We both work part time - me 5 days week, DH 3 days per week but longer hours.

1. I do 100% one child and he does 50% other child (car share arrangement) for school runs, other activities it's 100% me .

1. Cooking and food shopping is 100% me.
2. Washing and cleaning DH 65%. Tidying me 65%.
3. Life admin, me 90%. Car and garden DH 100%.

Pretty even split really, no paid help.

I do wonder for a lot of the posters who do equal paid work (or nearly equal) but who’s partners do so much less unpaid work if the reason for the discrepancy is the man is paid more? Only way I can understand why some people are so unbothered by the imbalance.

DH and I both work a FT job and a PT job each. Combination of WFH and WOH for both of us.

1. 50/50 - I do the days I'm WFH, he does the days I'm WOH

1. 70/30 - I shop and cook for the kids and me, he cooks for himself as he's a fussy eater and doesn't get in until late. He picks up bits for all of us on his way home eg if we run out of milk, i fancy some chocolate, the kids need something for lunch the next day

1. 50/50 - I do inside, he does outside (gardening, lawn, windows, car maintenance, house maintenance etc) and "big jobs" eg fixing appliances, tip runs

1. I do fucking all of it and it drives me up the wall... but I'm a control freak and he'd get it wrong if he did it 🙄

Generally we're very happy with the way our household works. We had a cleaner when we were caring for elderly MIL, but since MIL died I've managed (generally) to keep on top of the cleaning by myself. It's not show-home clean, and it's usually a little untidy, but it's no worse than most people's houses.

@Newmum29

I do wonder for a lot of the posters who do equal paid work (or nearly equal) but who’s partners do so much less unpaid work if the reason for the discrepancy is the man is paid more? Only way I can understand why some people are so unbothered by the imbalance.

To look at this from a different angle...

DH and I are pretty evenly matched, earnings wise. The difference is that my jobs involve less travel, fewer unsociable hours outside the house, and more flexibility in terms of time. So I'm generally happy to do more of the unpaid work, because I'm more available to do it.

I work FT, my husband works FT+ as he's self employed. 65 hour weeks are the norm. We have three children.

I do around 95% of pretty much everything. I am enormously resentful of it TBH, to the point that it's making me re-assess whether I want my marriage to continue. He isn't going to change. I'm not sure he's even capable of it. So I need to either accept his domestic "limitations" or divorce him. In my darker moments I think that if we got divorced at least I'd have the odd day to myself.