If you are part of a two parent family where both parents work

[BettyBotta]

….what % of the following do you do on an average week? And do you have external help (eg cleaner / nanny / gardener)?

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

1. Cooking & food shopping

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc)

Reason I ask before someone says I’m a journalist (I’m not) is that I feel I do too much. I work 4 days per week (from home) and do over 80% of the above. DH is not lazy but he works ridiculous hours, has a long commute so is simply not here

DH does all the gardening, and stuff like cleaning the cars, but that’s an issue in itself as it eats into weekends (he has no free time other than weekends) so when combined with his hobby (which I fully support - I share the same hobby myself) it leaves too little family time.

Currently we don’t have any paid help but we are looking at putting something in place as I am completely overwhelmed.

(Yes I know single parents do it all and I take my hats off to them, must be really tough)

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections - I do about 70%

1. Cooking & food shopping - I do only about 10%

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework - we have a cleaner. Laundry is close to 50/50.

1. Life admin - I do 90% I’d say.

I’m ok with the split. Having dh do most of the food duties means I’m free to do more of other things.

How many kids do you have op, what ages and how many hours does he work?

1/2/3 i do 40%, currently sole earner, working from home.

4 i do 75% of

We have had to recalibrate this several times, sharing out and divvying up jobs. I think when OH was sole earner I did 80%, and that if both of us feel that we do more then the balance is probably about right.

1. I do about 20% DH does 80%
2. I do about 80% DH does 20%
3. Probably 50:50 after cleaner does big jobs once a fortnight
4. I probably do 60-70%

Both work full time although I’m the higher earner

I work 5 days a week. Dh works 6 days. (2 in office, 2 from home, 2 in second job in a warehouse) 2 children, both in high school.
% I do.

1. 60%
2. 90%
3. 30%
4. 60%

But it varies and we work to our strengths as a team. He picks me up from work because I don't have a car. If I'm knackered he cooks, he always washes up because I've cooked. he does all the ironing and laundry because I hate it. I always clean the bathroom because he hates it. He sometimes works away and then I do everything. I often disappear out because I need my space and then he does everything. You have to work as a team.

1, Dh does all drop offs and 2 pick ups I do 3 pick ups.

1. We do online shopping. We both have it on phones so 50/50. Cooking I do most of it. Dh often helps. Packed lunches about 50/50.
2. We have a cleaner fortnightly. Dh wfh so does a few loads of washing, hooving.
3. I do most of this. Packing bags, school stuff, homework, kids parties, clubs ( I want to do most of this) . Dh does car stuff. We decide on birthday stuff together. Internet banking/ bills we both do.

Both work ft. Dh from home and more flexible. Mine is more set and longer hours.

1. 50%
2. 0%
3. Washing 100%, cleaning 75%
4. Life admin generally: 50%, but to do with the DC: 70%

I do all the gardening and decorating and DIY. He takes DC to sports training and matches (which is why I don’t mind doing more of the cleaning while they’re out).

It’s the children-admin I find most annoying, I have always made a point of not being the default person eg I only had to say once “when are YOU going to take DC1 to the dentists?” and then DH goes once and then he of course has to make the follow on appointment and take him to that, so that’s one burden passed on. But it still needs that first nudge. And now we’ve moved and need to find new dentists and I bet it’s not even occurred to DH…aargh
And all school stuff falls to me because I actually read the letters.

1.Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

DD now secondary age, so no school drop-offs or pick-ups, she walks by herself. DH does Saturday morning sports club. Childcare isn't really the word any more, but DH does more support for homework etc as I'm out of the house for longer hours.

1. Cooking & food shopping

Cooking- DH on weekdays, me at weekends. I tend to do big food shops, DH does top-ups in between.

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

We have a cleaner who also changes sheets and does ironing. I'd live on beans on toast before I gave her up. DH does laundry, I do tidying (which feels Sisyphean). We pay a gardener.

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc)

Split roughly 50-50. DD does her own school bags, I do finance (including insurance), DD's haircuts and clothes, and DH does her doctor and dentist and all the car stuff. He mostly used to do presents for parties etc, these days they all just want money.

1. 40%
2. 50%
3. 40%
4. 90%

No external help.

We’re both full time and it just wasn’t working, so now we have a cleaner. She started last week and I think I already love her. I do the garden, because it’s also my hobby. I do the life admin too and the cooking. I don’t think we’ve got a great balance, partly because I was at home and dh completely lost touch with what needed to be done. We have had words about it and he is trying. He’s basically an awesome person, so I’m hopeful that we will find a happy medium.

We both work 5 days in 4.5, both do two days in the office and 2.5 (more like 2.7) from home.

We have a cleaner once a week, we’d be screwed without her.

The kids are at after school club three days a week, we share the cooking for the two of us those nights as the kids eat there; the other nights the parent who is home cooks for everyone.

We do equal drop offs and pick ups. I ah e ended up doing a lot of the ferrying around to activities as they’ve fallen on my days at home; DH does the Saturday morning football and probably more the homework.

Food shopping is online, and we alternate who does it. Takes no more than 10 minutes weekly then another 10-15 to put away.

We are always behind on laundry; DH probably does 75% of it.

Life admin is split. I probably do a bit more as I’m good at it and remember sooner; I do mortgage, life insurance, school stuff, music lessons, drama club etc; he does utilities, council stuff, he’s got the relationship with the handyman, etc. I refuse to buy presents for his family, I do mine, etc.

Every now and then we recalibrate a bit and we’ve learned it’s better to be honest if the split is bugging us rather than seethingly resentful.

1. Childcare – 50/50 drop-off/pick-ups. But I work 4 days and do a day with DD by choice; DP doesn’t want to (he’d like to do 4 days and do a day arsing around )

1. 50/50 cooking – whoever’s not doing bedtime cooks dinner. I resigned from meal planning last year cos I was sick of it and DP doesn’t mind it slash is crap at it so he does a half-arsed job of it, organises the big shop delivery, and does most of the top-up shops.

1. Neither of us clean much. I’ll wipe the kitchen down, he won’t. We need a cleaner. Washing is relentless and 50/50 but may kill either one of us. Housework – I do more tidying and sorting and clean-ups day to day, he does more “clean the dishwasher filter” monthly jobs.

1. Each sort out gifts for our own families. I cut my own hair and DD’s. Both do her doctor and dentist appointments. MOT we swap annually. Bills are all on DD. I pack the nursery bag and buy the clothes BUT: DP has ADHD so would send her off with all sorts, and I work in fashion and like buying her clothes.

I think we’re split fairly evenly BUT we both feel like we do loads and have quiet resentment/wish for more time/wish for a cleaner house. I think that’s just life with kids, really. At the weekend there are always jobs – like the coat hooks fell down or there was a leak or the freezer needs defrosting, endless stuff. DP generally does that while I look after DD, but then we both feel like: I’ve done a chore, now I want free time! Or: I’ve looked after DD, now I want free time! But the time isn’t there.

I do 18hrs, dh does 40ish hours a week wfh.

1. I do 90%. We do morning school run together as we both fancy a stroll before starting our wfh jobs.

1. Cooking & food shopping. I do 90%. In a normal week dh might pick up milk, collect a takeout and cook one evening meal at the weekend.
2. Cleaning, washing, general housework. I do 90%. Dh hoovers.
3. Life admin. I do 99%.

I also do the gardening, arranging any house/car maintenance, booking holidays etc. No external help but I don't work in the afternoons and have plenty of time to look after dc, sort our home & life, supervise homework and cook dinner.

1. 50-60% school drop offs, much less of the extra curricular. I drop off at one activity and DH does 6 but only because 4 fall in one night and he always does football which is twice a week.

1. 100% of food prep and food shopping pretty much

1. 50% of cleaning but we also have a cleaner

1. I do more life admin around the dc but dh does all the bills, car insurance he's crap at DIY but I do no DIY. So probably even out. 50-60%.

1. About 30%, DH works nights and is around during the day, but I do pick up and drop off on the one day I work from home and evening/weekend activities

1. 90%

1. 25%

1. 99.99999%

I find it all completely exhausting!

I work 4 days WFH and earn more than him

Both work ft at demanding jobs. 1 DC just started secondary. 1.50:50. 2. DH does almost all of it 3. Washing - I do all of it. Cleaning (have cleaner) everyday tidying etc I probably do 70%.4. 50:50. It is much more even than it used to be...

I work 40-50 hours in a very stressful job mostly at night, DH 20 in very chill job in the day.

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

No paid childcare, I think I do 20% of school transport and most to all activities (very few).

1. Cooking & food shopping

I do 30% of this.

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

I do very, very little but all DIY, decorating and garden and any deep cleaning. The cleaning day to day is very low standard but DH keeps on top of laundry and kitchen very well.

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc)

Mostly me but I can delegate specific tasks and DH gets on with them happily. Not phased by Dr etc.

Can your DH change his hours or even reduce them slightly? What do mothers do in his workplace?

That would be my first consideration. I know a working couple and both work part time in jobs with long commutes but they make it work between them and really do share the load.

Me and DH both commuted pre covid. We had a nanny and cleaner. Then we switched to before and after school clubs and shared the pick up and drop offs (so one of us would work late/start early and vice versa).

As a working mother you kind of have to grit your teeth and accept you have to leave at 5pm. So I expect husbands to do the same but so often they don’t with flimsy excuses.

Childcare: 50:50 - share weekends, one weekday each, 3 days paid childcare for which we share drop offs and collections 50:50.

Cooking: probably 60:40 in number of meals and more like 80:20 in effort involved. I try to cook full meals from scratch whereas DH will heat a pizza or do beans on toast. We do split the food shopping pretty evenly (weekly online order which we both add to as we remember, topped up with milk, bread, fruit etc as we go).

Cleaning: 50:50 but we don’t do enough of it and need a cleaner really. Washing 50:50. Gardening 20:80 (I feel old fashioned when I say this, all I do is planting and a bit of weeding sometimes).

Life admin: I think I do a bit more, especially on the medical and childcare stuff for our child and on finances which I seem to “get” better than DH, but he does a decent amount too including lots of the routine daily tasks like nursery bags and looking after pets.

1. Shared. I do the morning madness, DH does pick up and play. I definitely feel like I get the raw end of the deal, although it is technically 50:50.

1. I do the shopping and 80% of cooking. I'm a good cook and enjoy it so its fine.

1. We have a cleaner but DH does all the day to day cleaning, and garden and odd jobs around the house.

1. I do all life admin. Even DHs personal admin like his dentist appointments. This does grate on me but I'm organised, he's not.

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections probably 50/50 but he logistically can't do morning drops off due to early shift start so I don't really think it's "fair" to comment

1. Cooking & food shopping *I do 100% of the food shop because I'm more organised. Then maybe 50/50 on the cooking depending what it is

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1. Cleaning, washing, general housework* I probably do 90% of it

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1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc) I do 100% because DH couldn't manage a piggy bank

Im not really sure what the point of your post is though since you say he works really long hours and has a long commute 🤷🏻‍♀️

1. 80% I have a 1 year old DD who I drop at nursery on my way to/from work. We live where my partner works and his car is less economical than mine. I work full time including 1 weekend day and am currently using annual leave to take one day off a week so DD only goes to nursery 3 days a week until she's a bit older. My partner looks after her on a Sunday when I'm at work, on a Saturday we share the childcare and I'm at home with her on 2 weekdays.
2. 75% We split the cleaning but I do more of the laundry and everyday tidying.
3. 90% I do a lot of batch cooking and my partner mostly heats stuff up in the oven.
4. 100% I'm happy to do all of this as I like to know what's happening.

I sometimes get frustrated about carrying the mental load. I also do all the night waking with my DD as I need less sleep but after a few bad nights I push for a more even split on childcare.

Well DH and I have argued over this a lot. Previously when I didn't work I did all of 1, 95% of 2 and 3 and all of 4. DH puts the bins out, sorts the garden, does the washing up mostly and does diy.

This continued when I started working part-time and when I was working part time and was studying too. I wasn't happy. Like you I felt overwhelmed and reached breaking point. After many arguments things have changed slightly and I am happier. But still wish it was more even.

Now- DH does 2 school runs a week and activities.

Cooks x3 times a week.

We have a cleaner. DH does all the washing up and wipes down the kitchen daily.

I still do all of number 4.

1. Childcare / school / activity drop offs & collections

1. Cooking & food shopping

1. Cleaning, washing, general housework

1. Life admin (eg packing school bags / sorting out birthday gifts / sorting new clothes for kids / dealing with kids’ doctors, dentists, haircuts etc / sorting out insurances / internet banking / paying bills / taking car for MOT etc etc etc)

I work 4 days DP works 5. On my day off during the week I tend to do a wash load and a good clean of one room in the house (this is whilst baby sleeps) on a weekend the other 4 weekdays where we are both working we share. I do nursery drops and DP picks up 90% of the time. Pretty much everything is fairly equal!