Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

School saying not appropriate lagunage for a child

109 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 02/11/2021 15:40

So I came to pick up my son today hes 4 and half. The teacher asked to speak to me she said my son had been taking part in the siging they were doi g nursery rhymes. Then he told the teacher that he does this at lovey lovey time. Meaning bedtime. The teacher was concerned as she said the language s not appropriate for his age and wanted to check everything was OK at home. It is its just myself and my child. Now I'm concerned she may think there is a problem at home I have no problem with them talking to my son. She also mentioned him using the toilet more today which I said of course I will keep a eye on him and if needs I will take to the dr and could they please let me know what he is like tomorrow. Do you think they will do anything else ? I felt very strange with the situation. It was a weird situation where she did it in front of other parents and teachers to as u don't go near or in classes due to covid

OP posts:
Fallagain · 02/11/2021 18:08

They are two separate issues she is raising and I doubt she is linking them together. Going to the toilet frequently is a sign of a number of medical issues. One of my DD’s friend was over at the weekend and she went to the toilet lots so I mentioned it to her parents when they collected her.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 18:08

@Benjispruce5

I totally agree as I said upthread but there’s no need to turn the content back on the school. It’s about the child’s safety not one-up-man-ship!
It absolutely should be turned back to the school because of children's safety.

Any member of school staff who is so clueless to have a safeguarding conversation at the door in front of children and other parents has missed a massive part of the training and needs re-trained urgently.

It's not about one up man ship - it's about proper safeguarding processes that need to be followed for bloody good reason.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 02/11/2021 18:17

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

Not sure what the teacher was expecting you to say? ‘Yes we are abusing him’ this is the bit of safe guarding I don’t really get. If something was going on it would just alert you to covering it up better.
If the teacher had been following their training properly they should have spoken to their safeguarding lead, not approached the person they suspected of abuse.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:26

Something similar happened recently at my school. Teacher spoke to safeguarding lead who advised teacher to speak to parent at home time initially and gauge response. It was at home time, outside school but away from parents. Most parents are too busy with their own child anyway.

Artie30 · 02/11/2021 18:28

They are just checking, sometimes school are ott. If they were really concerned they would have called you by phone or called you into the school immediately, not spoke to you in front of other parents - I get the frustration with that though.

I've had a few things.

Ds who has asd told his teacher I dragged him out of a shop. By dragged he meant he was having a meltdown and I had to pick him up and put him into the car for his own sake. No actual dragging.

Another time, he told the school he's allowed to stay up all night gaming - he wishes.

Then he told the school he played a violent 18+ game - he hadn't.

Then he told the school we pinned him down - we had to hold his arms down whilst we did a covid test!

Amongst other things. They haven't rang social services on me yet - surprisingly!

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 18:32

@Benjispruce5

Something similar happened recently at my school. Teacher spoke to safeguarding lead who advised teacher to speak to parent at home time initially and gauge response. It was at home time, outside school but away from parents. Most parents are too busy with their own child anyway.
Which is a totally different scenario to the one of the OP...

And if the other parents were remotely in the vicinity your school (like many because it's so common for things to be innocent complacency is a huge issue) is also failing. Relying on other parents being too busy to listen in isn't remotely acceptable.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:34

They’re not necessarily suspecting op of abuse. They are flagging up the term and checking with mum if she knows what is meant. As mum doesn’t know, it could be a term used by someone else or it could just be a term that spring to the child’s mind at that moment as he associated it with saying I love you at bedtime. Either way, Better to raise it. The only fault here is that the conversation wasn’t private.

CalamariGames · 02/11/2021 18:34

OMG so what if you did call it lovey lovey time it's not inappropriate to have a cute name for bedtime with a 4 year old. People are taking this safeguarding business and getting carried away to the max.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:35

No @JustLyra I said it was away from other parents.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:36

@CalamariGames abusers use innocent names for sinister behaviours sadly. We are trained to be aware. If it’s innocent, no harm is done.

CalamariGames · 02/11/2021 18:40

@Benjispruce5

Well they could just call it bedtime couldn't they? Then no-one would suspect. You can't go around accusing parents of abuse every time they do perfectly normal things.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:40

If I was op I would have a conversation with my son about why he called it lovey lovey time .Does anyone else say that to him such as Dad or another family member. That’s the point of this, the child’s welfare. Or you can get offended and ignore or attack the school.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:42

@CalamariGames yes they could but it tends to be other terms such as tickle as I said upthread.Sad It’s not all or nothing, there wasn’t an accusation.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 18:52

@Benjispruce5

No *@JustLyra* I said it was away from other parents.
My comment about the other parents was in response to your "Most parents are too busy with their own child anyway." - that should never need to be a consideration because it should never happen close enough to them anyway.
Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:53

I agree.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 18:54

@Benjispruce5

If I was op I would have a conversation with my son about why he called it lovey lovey time .Does anyone else say that to him such as Dad or another family member. That’s the point of this, the child’s welfare. Or you can get offended and ignore or attack the school.
It's not attacking the school to flag up a massive issue with their safeguarding procedure on the part of one of the people most likely to pick up on things. Complaining about the way something was done is an acceptable thing to do and not a complaint at the wording being highlighted.

And surely you should know that asking the child "did Dad say that to you?" is a no-no as well?

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 02/11/2021 18:58

So she's quick enough to pick up on what could be worrying terminology and then put it together with a child using the bathroom more frequently than usual but she missed the bit of the safeguarding course that hopefully covers not bringing unsubstantiated concerns up in front of other parents???
Very odd?
Also, I find it odd that she raised it with you herself instead of passing it on to the safeguarding lead who would have asked for a chat with you in private.
I would be talking to the head tomorrow.

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 18:59

A general conversation with the child who was present it seems, according to op is in order. I didn’t say ‘did dad say this to you?’ Many have defended the school’s actions on this thread , not just me. A couple of people have said the school were out of order to even mention this and that is why I am explaining what the school’s responsibilities are.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 02/11/2021 19:04

I have spoken to my child about school today and what he said cause he was upset and worried he did something wrong. I asked why he thougjy that and explained he did nothing wrong. I also asked why he called bedtime lovey lovey and he didn't really know. Buy i definitely am all for safeguarding . My problem is the way it was in the playground. Obviously I wouldn't want any child to be in danger of abuse and would rather 1000 people questioned about things like this to help 1 kid out. Its just the way it was done, thay made me uncomfortable as I live in a very small village where people love to talk.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 02/11/2021 19:05

@CalamariGames

OMG so what if you did call it lovey lovey time it's not inappropriate to have a cute name for bedtime with a 4 year old. People are taking this safeguarding business and getting carried away to the max.
I actually think it’s a really weird name for bed time and doesnt sound appropriate to call it that! My mum use to call it beddy byes, I mean lovey lovey sounds like something entirely different
Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 19:06

Well done op. Definitely speak to the school about the inappropriate place and time.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 19:14

@Buzlightyear1

I have spoken to my child about school today and what he said cause he was upset and worried he did something wrong. I asked why he thougjy that and explained he did nothing wrong. I also asked why he called bedtime lovey lovey and he didn't really know. Buy i definitely am all for safeguarding . My problem is the way it was in the playground. Obviously I wouldn't want any child to be in danger of abuse and would rather 1000 people questioned about things like this to help 1 kid out. Its just the way it was done, thay made me uncomfortable as I live in a very small village where people love to talk.
Absolutely speak to the school.

Putting a parent in the position that you were put in could actually endanger a child - my father would have absolutely leathered us if he'd been embarassed in front of other parents like that.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 19:16

@Benjispruce5

A general conversation with the child who was present it seems, according to op is in order. I didn’t say ‘did dad say this to you?’ Many have defended the school’s actions on this thread , not just me. A couple of people have said the school were out of order to even mention this and that is why I am explaining what the school’s responsibilities are.
You're splitting hairs now - if you've done any kind of safeguarding training then you'll know that the quesiton you suggested the OP ask her child is a massive no-no.

You're the one that said speaking to the school would be one upman ship

Benjispruce5 · 02/11/2021 19:19

No I didn’t , I was referring to a poster that wanted to put it back on the school for even raising it . Back off!

chickywoo · 02/11/2021 19:19

Well it was a bit of a messed up version of safeguarding wasn’t it?! if she felt she had identified ‘signs of abuse’ ie toilet issues and supposed inappropriate language she should have followed the relevant steps in their safeguarding policy, I’m quite sure that the relevant steps would not be to give the heads up to the potential abuser ( could be you for all they know) in front of the child and all the other parents 🤨 I would definitely complain if I was you about the way the this was approached, it’s totally backwards.
I would ask to see the safeguarding policy and point out to them that this was not followed correctly.
Embarrassing for you, upsetting for your child, and most importantly if this practice continues they could be putting other children at risk in the future.
I think saying lovey lovey time sounds so sweet and I’m sure that if approached with the right frame of mind, they would have realised what your child meant by it instead of putting 2+2 together and getting 6.