Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@Maiasaur

It needs to shared regardless of who earns more!! I agree. He doesn’t.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Im not sure why there needs to he a catch up of salaries
It’s not about salaries. I want an equal right to be out of the house talking to adults, achieving things and having success. He’s the one saying that he won’t do his share to facilitate that unless I match his salary.

Sometimes plans have to change. You don't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it so find someone, not just a random, who is happy to do childcare and go to work. Your child doesn't need a resentful parent, he doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be in a happy home, cared for by a happy person who enjoys being with him.

Even if, as a family, you are no better off if the nanny fees are equal to your salary it will still be better for all of you which is worth alot.

@Bollindger

Take him up on the pay deal. Call him on it. Then just spend time with your child, or use the money to pay for a nursery and take some courses or volunteer, till your child is in school or the perfect job comes along. Look for the silver lining. Take a 2 week vacation with childcare option, cherish this time and make him see he is missing out. You can't make him change, but you can make him want to change. No more children, and if it goes hits up preplan your escape. No matter how much poison you think towards another person it only ever poisons you. So change you.

Good advice.

I read your OP with a sense of dread, because I knew this would be my life if I'd had children with now-ex-OH. He wanted children, I didn't but he promised me he'd pull his weight, share everything 50/50...I couldn't trust him to do his share of the laundry so I didn't trust him an inch. He also set about trying to get himself promoted above me and I could absolutely see myself being shunted into a SAHM role against my will because "I earn more than you". I'm sorry it's your reality.

My first step would be getting some proper legal advice and knowledge of where you stand with a divorce solicitor, with a view to pursuing divorce and getting absolutely everything you're entitled to. I'm not normally an advocate of shaking someone down in a divorce settlement until their teeth rattle, but your 'D'P is being such an entitled shit that he thoroughly deserves to have to pony up a share of his pension, salary, the house etc as well as maintenance, both child and spousal. I'd be completely honest about your concerns about him palming DC off if he has any custody, and see what options are available if you have safeguarding concerns.

And yes, get a job, preferably one that allows you to pay for good childcare so you and dc can have a happy and productive life. Without Mr Pooey.

@Maiasaur

There's so many things he could be doing to help e.g. agree he'll do all childcare at weekends so she can work then I actually proposed this. He said no, he needs time off at weekends and we don’t need the extra money. I said I want to earn some money of my own. He said ok then he’ll hire me as a nanny and cleaner at the same salary my employer would pay.

He can hire an actual nanny and cleaner then so you can go to work! That's honestly the worst bit you've posted, he really is just trying to keep you at home. It's not just about money, you want a career ans the fulfilment out of it that he gets out of his, a life outside your home.

Do you still enjoy your time together with DH when entirely removed from your current stressors?
We’re never removed from them. We have nobody to leave DC with. We can only go out separately.

Do you feel in any slight way proud of his achievements?
Of course. But I don’t really care if he doesn’t have them. I care about my own achievements much more.

Does DH engage in any other more serious toxic behaviour (cheating, abuse, financial control, etc) No. He doesn’t do anything wrong apart from being greedy and taking all the opportunities and achievements for himself.

What would really make you happy?
Being important and achieving highly. Basically everything that DH is having at my expense.

@Maiasaur

There's so many things he could be doing to help e.g. agree he'll do all childcare at weekends so she can work then I actually proposed this. He said no, he needs time off at weekends and we don’t need the extra money. I said I want to earn some money of my own. He said ok then he’ll hire me as a nanny and cleaner at the same salary my employer would pay.

1. He doesn’t know how much Nannies get paid does he. If he did he wouldn’t be quite so obnoxiously offering to give you at least half his pre-tax salary.
2. He’s got “Big I Am itis” from his rapid rise to power hasn’t he. He spends his days with HNWIs who can spend money at the drop of a hat and thinks he’s playing in the big leagues.

What a prat

Just as an aside, parish council work is pretty well paid and generally 100% flexible and from home apart from the odd evening meeting.

You can't stay married to this man. You hate him and he has zero respect for you. that is a toxic environment for a child.

And i'm sorry to say this but when you are a single parent, whatever custody arrangement you come to, you will have to pay for some childcare to enable you to work. It's honestly not awful, you find somebody you get to know and trust. they are not 'randoms'.

LittleBearPad innit!! 😄

If you dont want childcare and want to raise your child yourself, you need to be a SAHM. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

Divirce is ridiculous in your situation. Do you really want to be in a council flat on UC on your own with your DC all the time, unable to work, whlle he has DC EOW and a pert new wife and new babies, and she will be happy to be new SAHM?

@Maiasaur

If he'll hire you as a nanny and a cleaner, then you can certainly hire an actual nanny and cleaner and get back to what you want to do Yeah, remember what I said about us agreeing that we wanted our child raised by a parent, not a paid stranger? He still feels that way, the difference is he wants me to do it all.

Sorry OP, but something has to give somewhere. Hiring a nanny may be your best option.

@Maiasaur

There is a pretty good chance he will end up having an affair with someone at work Honestly I’m past caring. I’m interested in meeting my DC’s needs, and meeting my own needs for being able to work and not being a skivvy. I couldn’t give a shit about his sexual or emotional needs, they are way down my list of priorities.

If that’s how you genuinely feel, your marriage is dead in the water and you need to leave. Just be warned that the only thing that will change is that you’ll have less financial security.

Having read your updates....I think it's not just about childcare. There are a variety of issues here.

My concern is..is he trying to control you, by implying you're essentially worthless because you don't earn 70k - then manipulating you, by refusing to help with your DC, thus keeping you stuck at being a SAHM.

Secondly - his employers sound AWFUL. Straight out of the 1950s. Not okay and money isn't everything.

Unfortunately, I do know this happens - my [now exH] was employed by an independent company...and whilst he got a nice wage, cash bonuses and fancy Xmas gifts - with hindsight, none of it was worth it. Money doesn't buy happiness and unfortunately your Husband's pride will now keep him where he is...he won't want to admit defeat and change employers/take a wage cut.

With regard to my ExH, The job stress made him ill - if/when he took leave , his work didn't get done whilst he was away, so it would mount up and mount up and he'd go back to a total shitstorm.
It actually made him not want to take time off, because it wasn't worth the stress of playing catch up when he returned

Now...many times I told him he needed to become more assertive, speak to his boss, explain he needed help/an assistant etc...but he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. He was a Yes Man and paid the ultimate price.
Eventually he got incredibly ill, our marriage fell apart and he had a breakdown of sorts. Thankfully got laid off, which was a blessing for his health really...but the damage was already done to our marriage by that point.

It sounds like you absolutely have a DH problem here - but also that he has issues with his employer.

Personally, I'd just go above him - put your DC with a childminder/nursery and get yourself a part time job. DH will either have to step-up, or he won't. Either way, you'll be back in the workforce and building a career - either for your sanity, or to have something when your marriage goes pop.

Don't let DH control you. He either needs to shape up, or move outta your way

“ He doesn’t do anything wrong apart from being greedy and taking all the opportunities and achievements for himself. ”

I’m not sure this but is totally fair. Yes he’s benefitted career wise recently. Due to Covid, due to the decision to prioritise his job security. You’ve been an integral part of that but being honest, it was driven by the situation.

Lots of posters have agreed it was the right thing at that time so I’m not sure I’d be happy in his position to be called greedy.

He should be doing more now yes, but if the quote above is how you communicate, no wonder it’s all angry and bitter between you

It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Does that include nursery/childminder? I agree that when they're poorly and can't go in then obviously that needs to be shared, but what's the difference between a nanny or au pair and an early years worker in a setting?

Being important and achieving highly. Basically everything that DH is having at my expense

Honestly i think you need to come to terms with the fact that you both made a joint decision to have a child, and if you keep blaming him forever for the fact your lives have changed you may as well walk away now. Not sure how things will be easier as a single parent, but you should go for it if you feel this resentful and your absolute priority is work. What job were you doing before out of interest? It doesn't sound overly well paid, and it seems his promotions were off the back of usual circumstance ie keeping things going whilst others were furloughed, people dying etc. What would you realistically see yourself as being on now had you not had a child?

@parkle

But *@NamechangeApril21*, the OP has not been boxed into a corner. She and her husband could employ a nanny but she doesn't like the idea of 'randoms' to quote the OP, looking after her child. She thinks all childcare should be done by her and her husband. Goodness knows how she thinks she will have more control over whom nurseries employ.

Yes sorry, I've just read the updates, that certainly changes things IMO.

when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC

I'd divorce him for this comment alone

Hm. Is there any chance of pulling back and having a sensible conversation?

It sounds as if your original plan to have a roughly equal set-up never got started, for reasons that weren't anybody's fault. It doesn't sound as if he deliberately manipulated you into this situation. But now you're both in it the quesiton is how to get out again. I'd guess that your DH is (a) enjoying the rewards of his job and (b) feeling very unwilling to risk it. And then you both share this ideal of no outside childcare, so maybe he feels a bit trapped as well.

Having said that, it isn't realistic to say "I am the higher earner right now so all responsibility for childcare is on you and I can't support you in going back to work". You do both need to think about the longer term. And that may mean some sacrifices from him. Can you try to make it clear that you are not asking him to "sort out a job for you" or "tell you what to do" and that you are only asking him to talk through the options and find something that suits both of your current circumstances? Taking a financial hit now to pay for some professional childcare and/or housework might be a smart move in the long run. But yes, it means both of you giving up your ideal of all care by a parent.

He’s admitted as much - when I said he needs to do his fair share, he said “Fine I’ll just shove DC in care and go to work anyway... maybe I’ll take him to my mothers”

I would not take him seriously. Give him a Look and say "would that be a good idea?"

I don’t think he actually would

Then you don't have to let him manipulate you, the threat is not a real one. Do not try to force him to admit it, just say the above. Or if you think he would really put the children at risk to punish you, then you are in different territory.

remember what I said about us agreeing that we wanted our child raised by a parent, not a paid stranger? He still feels that way, the difference is he wants me to do it all.

Well, neither of you are going to get everything you want. I would be questioning this notion of "shoving children into care". Those of us who have relied on nurseries nannies childminders etc know they can often work out very well in reality. So if you share that notion then you may want to rethink so as not to cut off your own options.

What a horrible man. I'm so sorry for you but huge well done for not giving up.

I think you'd be better off divorcing him, getting a nanny and accepting he'll be a fucking Disney dad who might have his child over night once a month.

@Maiasaur your DH is being a twat but I’m afraid you are also suffering from PFB syndrome.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Your DC is nearly 3? so will very soon be in pre-school/nursery with ‘randoms’ aka child care professionals.

Are you really suggesting that your original plan was for you and DH to both work pt around ft childcare and subsequently school hours? For what, 12 years, 18 years? If so, you were both naive. Very few well-paid jobs will accommodate that, much less career roles.

You are currently a SAHM. It’s a choice many of us make when we are privileged enough to be able to afford to do it. The downside of being a SAHM is that yes, the bulk of the boring housework becomes your responsibility too, especially as the kids get older. If you don’t like it, get a job, and outsource it.

Your perception of professional childcarers appears rather ignorant, perhaps you should look into this more before assuming it won’t work for you. Especially as you will definitely need it if you divorce your selfish DH.

I think you are being just a little over dramatic to say that your life has been destroyed. Clearly, it hasn't. You have a home, your health and enough money. Of course there is more to life than this, but these are the basics.
What you do mean is that you are unhappy with what you see as an unfair distribution of household jobs and childcare.
If you look at it from your husband's point of view, he might well say, "I don't get home from work until 6.30, and yet my wife expects me to cook dinner, when she's been at home all day."
He is also right in wanting to protect the higher salary.
If you divorce, then schools will usually call the mother in cases of illness. This may be unfair, but unfortunately many schools and workplaces haven't caught up with the ', equal division of childcare' policy yet.
You need to look carefully at what single parenthood would mean. You would have less money, and in all likelihood, most of the childcare as well. Would your husband be willing to split it equally? In theory this is the ideal but I'm not sure if it always works out that way. So you could finish up with money worries as well.
On the other hand, you sound as if you don't love him, so on that basis, maybe you'd be better apart.

£70k is a good salary, but his employers demands are more commensurate with a 6 figure role. The one about you being in hospital and could another member of your family with a vagina replace you, is particularly toxic. The company culture is off - most large employers now make some nod to equal rights and encouraging men to take their paternity leave.

I'd say find a job, use childcare and just hope the DCs aren't off sick. Once you're earning again you'll see a bit more clearly if you want to be in this position or not.

If you claim child benefit your state pension contributions are made for you. I took 12 years out when I hade my 3 dc, went back when youngest was 1.
You only need 30 years.

I'm also rather confused that in your OP you said you couldn't go back to work because nurseries were closed and then you couldn't get a place because they were oversubscribed and now you're saying it was never your plan to have your child looked after by randoms?

I would just divorce him. He has zero respect for you and then at least you're not living in a house with someone who admits that he treats you like the housekeeper.