Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

I’ve only read the OPs posts so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

@maiasaur you mentioned that you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to work enough years to qualify for a state pension. Are you claiming child benefit? As that will cover your NI pension contributions until your child is a certain age, and will obviously help towards the number of years you’re required to contribute to qualify for a state pension. Your husband earns over the threshold for you family to actually receive the benefit, but you have a couple of options such as claiming child benefit for pension contribution purposes only and not receiving the child benefit money, or you receiving the money and your husband completing a tax return to “pay it back”.

So you want both of you to work part time so you don’t have to use paid for childcare? But didn’t you sign up for nursery before when you tried to work?

I think this 50% anger at an unspeakable husband and 50% the anger many women feel when they realise how much a child will impact their life and earning capacity.

If you're not happy with a nanny you are a bit stuck.

@Maiasaur

It needs to shared regardless of who earns more!! I agree. He doesn’t.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Im not sure why there needs to he a catch up of salaries
It’s not about salaries. I want an equal right to be out of the house talking to adults, achieving things and having success. He’s the one saying that he won’t do his share to facilitate that unless I match his salary.

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? Both work part time? That doesnt work when both when you have child? Even of its a school aged child they need before and after school care and holiday care if both parents are working full time??

What would you realistically see yourself as being on now had you not had a child?
Maybe £40k? But the main thing is I’d be out of the house, talking to intelligent and creative professionals, being successful and building my professional network, achieving highly and being recognised. And I’d have my own income and wouldn’t feel like I was being subsidised by DH.

Sorry OP but I think you’re losing sight of so many things because you are so angry.

I’m really confused about the childcare situation and intention. It’s really fucking difficult to actually find two FT jobs that allow you to use no childcare, even without a pandemic.

Well yes you have a DH issue, and I suspect he will ultimately become XDH..but your primary focus has to be re-building a career and that is best achieved in situ!

It sounds like you resent his attitude, which I understand, but you need to channel that anger towards mobilising yourself! Find a childminder and get yourself a job, the best you are able to. The quicker you move up the food chain career wise, the more flexibility you tend to get.
As for not wanting your child to be brought up by 'randoms', you need to get over that, if you are not prepared to be SAHM forever. You have made your bed, so you need to climb out of it..

Oh and your husband is a t**t, but you have already figured that bit!

It sounds like he’s a workaholic and it’ll take a health breakdown or getting fired to make anything change.

He sounds like one of these men who want their wife to be a SAHM even though they lose every last fucking ounce of respect for her for doing that.

I can’t think of a solution for you but think are you doing to be happy with him in the long run. Can you keep doing this. Can you make a compromise and adjust your goals.

To be honest I sort of agree with some of his sentiments - perhaps I see it differently as I'm a woman with the much higher paying job....

It isn't his responsibility to find you a job

And yes as the main and higher earner with a stable job it's better that his is protected in the short to medium term

2 of the years you had off was due to your ill health (I know that can't be helped but that wasn't your DH fault). Then covid happened - also not your DH fault

It sounds like you hate/resent him anyway so you may as well leave him as I can't see things getting any better

Also no one can "insist" on anyone having a baby - you played equal part in that

We’re never removed from them. We have nobody to leave DC with. We can only go out separately.

At this stage that's really toxic to your relationship. You need a weekly babysitter pronto! We're not in lockdown any more, a weekly sitter should be possible. No amount of him sharing childcare equally is going to remove the need for you to go out and enjoy yourselves a bit as a couple. Give your relationship a chance to recover and just be yourselves again.

You both need to get over yourselves a bit about childcare.

Also u want all that in ur last point but want ur husband to look after child(ren) while u do that, again unless both work part time thats just not a viable option

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare?
One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

@SunshineCake1 you suggest she divorce her husband and get a Nanny but the OP in her own words, refuses to employ 'randoms' to look after their child. It has to be shared by her and her and her husband.
I can't help wondering about the other side in this case.
How many posters supporting the OP made their husbands give up full time work to help care for their child because they did not trust a nanny or nursery?

To be honest OP, whilst your DH has been an arse to you, I don't think you're exactly smelling of roses here.

What I'm getting from your posts is that you are seething with jealousy. You resent your husband getting promoted because you feel he is 'winning' and you are left with the baby. The way you speak about him here shows how toxic your home life must be and I'm not really surprised he doesn't want to come home.

You have plenty of options available to you and have had loads of good advice here but it seems you're not interested. You won't entertain getting childcare for your child (as most of the country do) and it seems you won't be happy until your husband sacrifices his job so you can win. It's really not healthy.

I agree with PP in that it would be silly and downright irresponsible of him to start taking time off left right and centre when he is the main breadwinner (by far) so you can return to a job on little more than minimum wage. That is not how families operate. What would happen to your DC if your DH lost his job? As for your DH expecting you to cook - well yeah, I would too. You're at home all day with a three year old and it's hardly stretching for you to do some cooking. If I was out the house for 11/12 hour days in a stressful job and came home to my stay at home partner refusing to cook or clean, I would be really angry too.

I think you need to grow up a bit OP. Either get childcare and get a job or don't get childcare and continue down this path of resentment, believe me, the only people you will end up hurting are you and your DC.

Sympathies OP.

Similar situation here - covid hit once smallest child reached free hours at nursery age (aka the point at which me working made any point financially) and my dreams of getting back to work in a job I loved - even vaguely - evaporated.

What I've done, although I am sad and disillusioned inside, is get a job which fits around the kids working from home. So if they're off sick, I can always pull an all nighter to catch up. In terms of being there for the kids, it works really well. In terms of personal fulfilment for me as an actual living, breathing human being it's shit. It's not fair of course, far from it. DH has reached the top in his dream job.

The thing is, PPs are right, in terms of the kids and financial stability there is some merit to the argument that the higher earning more stable job needs to be prioritised. And kids, if you've chosen to have them, should be prioritised too. However, this always seems to result in the woman being de=prioritised and treated as somehow sub-human with no quid pro quo for the bulk of the childcare and mental load and the loss in career advancement she takes on.

I do think there are ways around this (for example we will be investing in me doing some courses to try and change career at some point, I do get some time to myself, though I have to push for it), but it requires your H to be supportive and recognise that you've got the shitty end of the stick and not be determined to take this reality for mothers personally and as some kind of attack on him.

Until raising children is valued by society and rewarded and time out doing it actively supported, and mother's return to work supported and enabled, then mothers will continue to get the shitty end of the stick. And kids too.

And it's a waste of talent for society too because I haven't forgotten all my expensive education, if anything I've learned to be a lot more efficient and better at cutting through the bullshit and simply getting stuff done since having kids.

The job I do doesn't use the 5+ years of higher education at top universities I've had nor the 10 years of experience in a professional job and it's a waste.

I'm hoping that doing a job that doesn't inspire me, use my talents, and is a bit of a stop gap, but does allow me to be there for the kids, will be a stepping stone. Who knows, maybe not, mothers are treated appallingly in this society.

The problem is I think that the personal and the societal get mixed up. It's not my DH's fault that when we had our first child I was entitled to a years mat leave (on 80% pay for the first 3 months) and he was entitled to 2 weeks (and he didn't even get that as his manager made him come in near the end of it). We both wanted one of us to raise our kids, not just stick them in nursery for 10 hours a day.

I too got pushed into redundancy at the end of my first mat leave. That wasn't his fault either. But refusing to accept that you've got the shitty end of the stick in your relationship and refusing to do his fair share of childcare, housework and mental load (when he's not working) so you can do something that fulfils you - that IS his fault and he's treating you as a service human not a full human being.

Yes, this:

“ I think this 50% anger at an unspeakable husband and 50% the anger many women feel when they realise how much a child will impact their life and earning capacity.”

Take birth control (seem to many threads on here by women being trapped by another pregnancy) and start divorce

It’s tough. I was in a similar situation, but DH appreciated what I did and it only worked because we saw it as a team effort. Still tough and my career prospects did suffer

@Maiasaur

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

Well that's all fair enough and makes sense, but completely contradicts your comment about your DC being looked after by randoms? Also, a Nanny would make it much easier, and your DC would be in their home environment, much more like having a parent at home with 1-1 attention, and you can be more fussy in selecting your nanny.

But no job would give you enough annual leave to cover all school holidays, not even if you each took half? Your child will always have to go into childcare/holiday clubs during some holidays, no?

(Unless you were both teachers I suppose).

I'm also rather confused that in your OP you said you couldn't go back to work because nurseries were closed and then you couldn't get a place because they were oversubscribed and now you're saying it was never your plan to have your child looked after by randoms?
Nursery is qualified teachers in a formal setting, with cctv and safeguarding procedures. Like school. But it was always the plan to pick up and drop off ourselves, flex our hours to maximise the time we spent with DC, handle sick days and school holidays ourselves, and do as much parenting as possible. Except now DH is saying he won’t do any of that and I don’t feel happy with hiring an individual in my home.

One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

That almost never works in reality. The reality is much more like "give and take" - I take 10 days off now, but another time I get to work late and all weekend when there's a rush on. And you'll need some kind of care in school holidays anyway, the numbers of days wont add up and if they did you'll never get to spend any time together.

@Maiasaur

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

What happens to the children after pick up ? One person stays at home with them ? How does that happen with 2 full time jobs ?

@Bagelsandbrie

I’m going to be flamed for this. I know I am. But I can sort of see his point. He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps. I completely understand how fed up and frustrated you are in your own job situation but I think especially with covid etc you both need to do everything you can to protect the main breadwinners job - and I’d say that if it was a man or a woman in that position.

If he’s working long hours and not getting in till late and you’re not working I think the cooking / house stuff should fall to you. It’s different if you’re both working full time.

But - none of this gives him the right to talk to you like an arse. He doesn’t sound very kind in the way he says things and that’s a real problem in itself.

I'll join you in receiving a flaming because I also agree with this. The situation could happen to any employed adult and common sense tells me that in a household situation, you have to do whatever it takes to protect the main breadwinner's salary.

Life won't always be like this and soon you will be able to return to work without the worry of Covid and closures.

Look, it sounds like you hate him, so DC or not you need to separate. I think you’re being very unrealistic (and a tad unfair) to say you don’t want ‘randoms’’ looking after your DC. Will you have that attitude when they start school? A nanny/nursery/CM is a paid, qualified professional, you’re not just dropping them with the nearest person stood in a bus queue!

If, as pp are suggesting your DH insisted on his “rights” at work, it’s very easy to be managed out, especially in the workplace you describe. I think when you’ve said you want him to help you find a job it’s been in an angry “Well YOU fucking look for one that I can do then!” It’s shit, but you need to be realistic and use childcare like millions of others.

The job I do now pays 15k less than the job I was made redundant from at the end of my first mat leave 10 years ago. That's the practical cost of motherhood and prioritising DH's career and the kids.

@Maiasaur

If he'll hire you as a nanny and a cleaner, then you can certainly hire an actual nanny and cleaner and get back to what you want to do Yeah, remember what I said about us agreeing that we wanted our child raised by a parent, not a paid stranger? He still feels that way, the difference is he wants me to do it all.

@Maiasaur you lost me with this (unnecessarily snarky) comment. How on Earth do you think you and your husband can both work 40+ hours a week without paid childcare when you don't have any family support? And you said in your OP that you previously used a childminder - how on Earth does that differ from hiring a nanny in 'random' 'stranger' terms?