Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

If he'll hire you as a nanny and a cleaner, then you can certainly hire an actual nanny and cleaner and get back to what you want to do. Your DC will be entitled to free hours as well at some point don't forget.

If you hate him and spend most of the time avoiding him, time to leave maybe. Sounds unhealthy at best.

I like the way you think @StormTreader!

Unfortunately it doesn’t address the basic personality failings this man appears to be displaying or the OP having to navigate life with that kind of baggage but it’s a decent start!

@Maiasaur

To be honest, researching jobs for you is 100% your responsibility If he hadn’t put me in this situation by a.insisting on having a baby and b.being selfish then I wouldn’t need to research a new job. Also he’s supposed to support me when I need help. Whatever I end up doing will affect him and no doubt he’ll whinge if I choose something that doesn’t fit around his job. So I totally disagree - he had a large part in creating the problem so I think he should help with solving it.

I agree with you OP. Whatever happened to marriage being about teamwork? You're living separate lives and he's gradually pushing anything and everything that isn't related to his Big Job over to you.

The comment about hiring you as nanny and cleaner is disgusting tbh. That sums up exactly how he sees you and sees your worth and contribution. He has totally lost respect for you and no longer sees you as an equal.

Covid fucked my career too. Trying to get something back off the ground now but can’t see DP doing her fair share.

It needs to shared regardless of who earns more!!
I agree. He doesn’t.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Im not sure why there needs to he a catch up of salaries
It’s not about salaries. I want an equal right to be out of the house talking to adults, achieving things and having success. He’s the one saying that he won’t do his share to facilitate that unless I match his salary.

He doesn't sound particularly nice OP. However, could you not return back to your old career and employ a nanny? Surely with both your wages you could afford it, especially if he's been promoted a few times in the last year.

Either that or some sort of childminder? I would look at returning to your old career personally and paying for all the childcare that you need until your DC starts school.

If he'll hire you as a nanny and a cleaner, then you can certainly hire an actual nanny and cleaner and get back to what you want to do
Yeah, remember what I said about us agreeing that we wanted our child raised by a parent, not a paid stranger? He still feels that way, the difference is he wants me to do it all.

Just seen your reply above, it might've been the plan but your DH is never gonig to go ahead with that plan so you're going to have to employ in help (like thousands of other working families) if you want to get out of this mess and have somewhat of a 'normal' life again. You say how unhappy you are, you have a solution, if you're that unhappy you'll use it.

You must know by now that your DH is a selfish arse who isn't going to be putting his families needs before his employers so forget him doing 50% of childcare etc.

Look he's not going to change other then get a bigger inflated opinion of himself. So you need to change your expectations.

Work out what you need to do to get to where you want to be say this time next year.

Get your ducks in a row for separation/divorce. Get copy of all important paperwork.

If you would to move nearer your family would they help with childcare, so you can go back to work.

For me I would start with I stop doing things for him, if he wants to behave as if you and your DC aren't important to him then don't waste you time and energy on him. Let him sort out his meals when he gets home from work. Any complaint tell him you were busy looking after DC and he is capable of sorting him self out.

@Maiasaur I had a similar experience although without the impact of the pandemic when my third child was born. I had already burned my bridges in work due to trying to juggle my first two / pregnancy illness and a hectic job while my DH travelled. So I felt I had to leave and for a good couple of years felt very resentful towards my DH about it as his career soared. I have had to park that resentment and only focus on looking forward as it was becoming toxic to everything we tried to discuss.
The difference we have is that my DH is supportive of my attempts to return to work, currently part-time which suits all of us and that he is funding childcare and a cleaner to enable this.
I think you need to consider the following:

• is your DH ever going to help you returning to work with either financial support to childcare or emotionally? Sounds like he's pretty lousy on this front.
• is he someone you could have another child with? What would the impact of a second pregnancy be?
• is it realistic to compare your salary potential to his? I did this for a while and just annoyed myself to no end. If I look long term I can get somewhere close but not in the short-term.
• if you left him, I wouldn't expect that he's going to want to do half the childcare given what he currently says. Hopefully he'd step up to maintenance.

What you should be able to do is sit down together and look at how you can make a plan to return to the workforce that keeps you happy and works for the family. And his job should be no different. It should keep him happy and work for the family. That's where your sticking point is. If you can't get beyond that then you've a big decision to make.

Good luck.

@Maiasaur

It needs to shared regardless of who earns more!! I agree. He doesn’t.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Im not sure why there needs to he a catch up of salaries
It’s not about salaries. I want an equal right to be out of the house talking to adults, achieving things and having success. He’s the one saying that he won’t do his share to facilitate that unless I match his salary.

That might have been the plan but he won't do it will he? He isn't going to do it because he doesn't want to and you can't make him.

That is the reality and so you need to set aside the fury and sense of injustice you feel to take steps to change things. Accept that he will not help you in making those changes and stop expecting him to.

If you just need to vent here then I completely get that but venting won't change anything on its own.

A nanny is a trained childcare professional not a "random".

OP your situation sounds a little more genuine and believable but so many mothers and, most definitely in the case of my DH’s ex have used children to their advantage.
Ex wife never wanted to work and always wanted to be a SAHM only money was tight and she had to do a bit.
When they divorced she claimed he stunted her career - she never wanted a career! She is a lazy good for nothing who’s still sponging off him despite the kids being well out of school now. Unfortunately these sort of women exist and make it much harder for employer’s to distinguish between genuine mums who want a career and those who will use every sniffle to take the day off.

Honestly, he’s not respecting in the slightest and the resentment is there.
I don’t see how your going to get past either of them.
I can see the logic of protecting the high earners job. However, he needs to be supporting you to be happy and protecting his job shouldn’t come at the cost of that.

he says he’ll dump his kid on his mother who drinks?
I don’t think he actually would. It’s a threat to prevent me asking him to share childcare. Because he knows I’d give up work and do the childcare myself rather than let that happen.

This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.
I actually hissed out loud like an angry goose when I read this. This is not caused by a set of temporary, crappy and unprecedented circumstances: this is another fucking fucker of a man who thinks children belong to women and careers belong to men.

Divorce the fucking fucker.

As for “giving him no support for his working situation” from a pp – are you serious? Did you write that with a straight face? She’s enabled his career progression by doing all the childcare!

Ok.

So your life hasn't been ruined really has it? I think you need to get a grip here and I mean it kindly.

Your DH is doing well in his career and you can afford to stay at home or go part time. You have financial protection because you are married.

It's not your DH's fault that you lost your job.

And what he is saying makes sense practically. Let's be real here.

But if you want to go back to work, then talk to him about how that can be achieved. Avoid rhetoric like your life having been ruined though because it sounds to me like you've got it pretty good with the option of staying at home and a DH who earns a decent wage.

I hate reading some of the replies on this relationship board as if divorce is the only option and is easily achieved with no fall out. I think some posters want other marriages to fail for reasons known only to themselves.

I am divorced and whilst I would say that it was the best option for me, it has been very traumatic and disruptive for my kids. So please think hard before you do that.

@DameMaureen

It sounds to me as if you are more angry at life - you had a child and then everything changed . What did you expect to happen ? Children DO change lives . Maybe you underestimated that ? Covid then came along and fucked up many people's lives - you are not alone in that but it put paid to your plans of having some leave then going back to work . Your DH is right in that he cannot give up the job which is the highest earner . You sound a bit pathetic when it comes to looking at new job areas tbh . I have fuck all idea what to do in this situation he’s put me in HE has not put you in this situation - you chose to have a child, Covid happened - LIFE did this to you . If you are not working currently then most of the home stuff does fall to you . Get a job and it can then change . The sad truth is that you may never "catch up" as you call it - the price that most mothers pay . You do sound very self centred .

The price most mothers pay - maybe down to attitudes like this! It should be a price parents pay, equally. She is not at home by choice, she's boxed into a corner. She could "get a job" is supported by her husband, who is also a parent but he doesn't want to, as he is happy to check out of the house responsibilities while leaving his wife trapped, and in a vulnerable financial position. Life changes for both parents when they have a baby, not just the mother.

Sorry, you say you don't want 'randoms' (horrible word) to look after your child? You have a lot more say in the care of your child if you interview and choose a nanny, rather than sending your child to a nursery.

100% take the money off him as salary for every hour that he isn't there. He's offered this already hasn't he? It will start to sting him a bit and you can re-train, look after your dc and be receiving your 'own' income. He might start leaving the office earlier if he knows he'll have to pay out for it too.

I work four days a week in my career and my husband 'pays' me for the 5th day which is the day I use to clean the house, batch cook and do lots of things that make our lives easier throughout the week. For some reason, it actually works...I don't feel pissed off or put upon and he really values the things that I do.

I know it's fucking weird but it achieves a happy balance for us...somehow.

In all honesty @Maiasaur I think you need to let go of the notion of your dc being looked after by no one but a parent. Your DH has made his position clear so there’s no point in hanging hopes on him suddenly having a revelation.

To get back to work I don’t see how you’re going to do that without childcare. I think a nanny may be your best option if dc sickness is an issue and you can afford it because I suspect they’re more likely to care for an ill child (not sure on that one but I know other settings won’t take a poorly child).

Well turns out you married a shit. I was foing to suggest he needed a new job, because his workplace culture was turning him into a shit. But from some of your later posts it is clear he fits right in.

But @NamechangeApril21, the OP has not been boxed into a corner. She and her husband could employ a nanny but she doesn't like the idea of 'randoms' to quote the OP, looking after her child. She thinks all childcare should be done by her and her husband. Goodness knows how she thinks she will have more control over whom nurseries employ.

Ok so your husband is a pig who has reneged on his agreement to care equally for your child. But you don't want your child looked after by 'randoms'

Not entirely sure what you want from this thread apart from stamping your foot and screaming it's not fair. No it's not. But you have the power to change things. So you can either do that or just carry on complaining.

Take him up on the pay deal.
Call him on it.
Then just spend time with your child, or use the money to pay for a nursery and take some courses or volunteer, till your child is in school or the perfect job comes along.
Look for the silver lining.
Take a 2 week vacation with childcare option, cherish this time and make him see he is missing out.
You can't make him change, but you can make him want to change.
No more children, and if it goes hits up preplan your escape.
No matter how much poison you think towards another person it only ever poisons you. So change you.