Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@SpinsForGin

Thirdly, its hard but the lower earner is always the one who takes time off when they are ill, in my experience. It feels horrid but when one job pays the bills and keeps the family afloat, and one is more like a holiday find, or enough for some treats etc, it’s a no brainer really.

Just no. This just feeds into the narrative that men work to provide for their family and women work for frivolities and treats.
If we take this attitude then women will never progress their careers in the same ways as men do because women are more likely to earn less than their male partners. The reasons for this are multifaceted and for a different discussion but those are the facts.

When you are a parent you have to expect that you will need to take some time off when they are sick. This is why companies have dependants leave.
The person taking the time of should be one whose day would be least affected. My DH earns double my salary but knows that there are certain days where I have zero flexibility so he needs to step up. It's called being a parent and a partner.

I agree it shouldn't necessarily be the lower earner who takes the time off. I earn considerably more than my DH but probably take more of the kids sick days because I get paid annual leave and some limited emergency leave and he is self employed so doesn't. I can also occasionally do some work at home and he can't. However, if I had things on that day that were difficult to rearrange, he would do it, and if it was a lot of days off we would split it so that it wasn't only my job suffering. Marriage and parenting should be about give and take, not just who earns most top trumps. So in OPs case when she was in a probationary period of a job and he was, as far as I can gather, with a company he had been with for some years and senior and well respected enough to be quickly promoted, actually I think he should have been taking more of the sick days than her! Or at least equal. Unless he is something life and death like medical but I didn't get that impression from OP.

So in OPs case when she was in a probationary period of a job and he was, as far as I can gather, with a company he had been with for some years and senior and well respected enough to be quickly promoted, actually I think he should have been taking more of the sick days than her! Or at least equal. Unless he is something life and death like medical but I didn't get that impression from OP.

I completely agree.

@BadNomad

I'm sure this will cause a riot but you don't have to be the "woman" in this. Your DC are not anymore your responsibility than they are their father's. You don't have to be the primary parent just because you are the mother. You can leave. You can be the non-resident parent. You can arrange 50/50 contact or you can pay him maintenance. Your husband's life is not more important than yours.

THIS

OP.

OP I feel you have been shafted by your DHs about turn, but you are also being a little unreasonable. Expecting your DH to do 50% of the childcare and pick ups etc with a ft job. Most people in this situation use paid childcare and that’s how they make a 2 job household work. Not by forcing the partner to do something that would jeopardise his job.

I totally see your point of view on the other issues inc your DH poor attitude but you need to compromise with regard to your child’s care, so you can achieve what you want without breaking up your family.

Whilst of course the woman doesn't have to be the primary carer by default, it's unlikely that someone who can't be bothered to play much of a part in caring for their child is going to agree to that, and nobody, man or woman can be forced into it. If neither want to look after their child, there are other options but they are by no means easy. There are options before it comes to that, but it seems OP is basking in being too angry to see the wood from the trees and make steps towards getting back to work.

What a nasty post, @FloconDeNeige . Thoroughly bilious and says more about you than those with “pathetic, tiny lives”.

The OP has to play the cards in her hand, not the cards she wishes were in her hand. Objecting to getting childcare is ridiculous. What about when the child starts school? Unless you wfh you can’t scoot down to the school every day at 3.15 or roll up at work at 10am. Unless the parents work exactly half time each you need childcare.

Also OP saying dh should get her a job? Not many people are in a position to parachute their spouse into a “career” - unless they own the company.

And it is absolutely a woman’s right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy. It is, however, absolutely their spouse’s right to say “You know what, I cannot love someone who would do that and want a divorce.”

"Threatening" to divorce someone because you're not on the same page about reproduction isn't being a monster
It’s an awful situation to be in though. I had a home, a seven year relationship, shared assets, mutual friends, plans for the future. And to be told that everything would be taken away if I didn’t have a baby, what are you supposed to do in that situation? It’s a huge and devastating loss to face. Worse than my husband dying, because I wouldn’t just lose my husband, I’d lose EVERYTHING. Yes having the baby seemed like the easy way out, because I could keep my life and my home and my marriage, and he promised we’d be a team and we’d share the responsibility so neither of us had to take a hit or lose our careers. Then he reneged on the deal and left me holding the baby, completely destroying my life’s opportunities in the process.

Think of all the opportunities afforded to your child on an income of 70 as opposed to a combined salary of 50 minus childcare
No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to give up my life and ambition so my child can have nicer clothes, music lessons, holidays abroad, or whatever.

@DottyHarmer

What a nasty post, *@FloconDeNeige* . Thoroughly bilious and says more about you than those with “pathetic, tiny lives”.

The OP has to play the cards in her hand, not the cards she wishes were in her hand. Objecting to getting childcare is ridiculous. What about when the child starts school? Unless you wfh you can’t scoot down to the school every day at 3.15 or roll up at work at 10am. Unless the parents work exactly half time each you need childcare.

Also OP saying dh should get her a job? Not many people are in a position to parachute their spouse into a “career” - unless they own the company.

And it is absolutely a woman’s right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy. It is, however, absolutely their spouse’s right to say “You know what, I cannot love someone who would do that and want a divorce.”

Yes, it’s his right to say he would object to her having an abortion. What is absolutely not his right is to blackmail her into keeping the baby with threats of taking her home away and telling everyone what a terrible person he thinks she is. Judging by his attitude now, it was never the baby he actually wanted, but control.

As much as anyone is entitled to want a child and not want the person carrying the child to abort it, the only morally and ethically correct position is to accept that ultimately the choice lies with the mother. At this point, he could have calmly and rationally explained his desire to divorce and done it amicably, while accepting her decision to abort. But no. He threatened her, cast aspersions on her character and told her he would make her life difficult. Nobody has a ‘right’ to do that, however much they want a child.

@DottyHarmer

“You know what, I cannot love someone who would do that and want a divorce.”

^ that isn't what he said though, did you actually read OPs post? He said he would take half of HER house and tell everyone she had killed his child. She was bullied and coerced into this pregnancy. I doubt that is the first time he's bullied and corrected her either, I'm sure if OP thinks back there will have other times he bullied her into submission on things so when it got to this point she was already in an abusive marriage. People who being abused are not able to think clearly in situations like this.

As a pp said, just leave. Leave your child. Start again. You complain about losing EVERYTHING , but what have you got now except resentment and bitterness and a dying marriage?

Have the courage to go for the career. You are still young. You can throw everything into it. Your dh will have the responsibility of your child, and you can start again, free from domestic responsibilities.

Married or divorced you won't make your ambitions without paid childcare.

Coerced not corrected!! Damn autocorrect fail

@Maiasaur

"Threatening" to divorce someone because you're not on the same page about reproduction isn't being a monster It’s an awful situation to be in though. I had a home, a seven year relationship, shared assets, mutual friends, plans for the future. And to be told that everything would be taken away if I didn’t have a baby, what are you supposed to do in that situation? It’s a huge and devastating loss to face. Worse than my husband dying, because I wouldn’t just lose my husband, I’d lose EVERYTHING. Yes having the baby seemed like the easy way out, because I could keep my life and my home and my marriage, and he promised we’d be a team and we’d share the responsibility so neither of us had to take a hit or lose our careers. Then he reneged on the deal and left me holding the baby, completely destroying my life’s opportunities in the process.

That is a terrible situation to be in, but you're here now and need to decide on how you're going to move forward, be it with DH or not. You say your DH went back on his promises re childcare - unless he looked into a crystal ball to see two promotions and an increase in workload as a result through a pandemic, I really don't think this is a reasonable complaint. What is reasonable is his unwillingness to flex somehow with the childcare BUT I can understand why that may not be easy for him (and taking a demotion isn't the answer). If you're completely unwilling to use childcare you're putting yourself between a rock and a hard place and effectively being a martyr because by having childcare, you'll be freeing yourself up to work. Just because your husband has said no to paying for a nanny, there is no reason why you can't just do it regardless of what he says - its not his decision.

@DottyHarmer

🤣 touched a nerve, did I?

If you really want to get back to your career op see if you can find yourself a local childminder rather than nursery . My best friend uses a child minder because she can drop her son off from 8 childminder takes him to school, collects him from school gives him his tea and then she collects him at 5 30 after work . This means you can both have your career as you won't need to worry about school holidays as the childminder looks after your child over school holidays also but they usually will take a couple of weeks off at summer and a week over Christmas which you should easily be able to cover .

@Maiasaur

Think of all the opportunities afforded to your child on an income of 70 as opposed to a combined salary of 50 minus childcare No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to give up my life and ambition so my child can have nicer clothes, music lessons, holidays abroad, or whatever.

Damn right. Just because some women dream of having a husband who earns enough so they don't have to work doesn't mean all women want this.

My career is a huge part of my identity and I'd be just as miserable as you if I found myself in the same situation.

because OP's a selfish twat who can't handle the fact that whatever fairy tale she was stupid enough to believe can't be made to work with her current circumstances
Actually I think millions of young women have been sold the fairytale that they’re equal to men. Right from starting school we’re told that boys and girls are equal, girls can do anything boys can do, girl power, initiatives to get more women into male dominated fields like STEM, computing and policing, etc. Women can drink like men, have casual sex like men, drive fast cars and do extreme sports like men. Equality has been achieved, right? That’s what I was led to believe.

Then you have a baby and discover that equality was an illusion. Women who appear to be equal either have no kids, lots of money or older relatives who offer free childcare. The truth is, you have a baby and it fucks your body one way or another and you end up taking time off work. If you don’t have money or family support then you’re left holding the baby. And that scuppers your ambitions and your life in general.

I’m not so much angry at DH as at society. Equality my arse. What’s the point of pushing me through all of these “women in STEM” programs if I’m going to be excluded as soon as I have a child to look after?

@Maiasaur

Think of all the opportunities afforded to your child on an income of 70 as opposed to a combined salary of 50 minus childcare No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to give up my life and ambition so my child can have nicer clothes, music lessons, holidays abroad, or whatever.

I absolutely agree.

So many people assume that money is the end goal or even all that matters in life. It isn't. Anyone who has sat with a dying person knows this. We are not on earth to acquire money, we all need to love and be loved, and to have a sense of purpose.

Stick with your resolve OP, I think it's clear that it's your time to move on. But you will receive more measured advice from Women's Aid than posters in here.

"Women who appear to be equal either have no kids, lots of money or older relatives who offer free childcare"

^^ this isn't wholly correct. Lots of parents pay for childminders and nursery care, holiday clubs, breakfast clubs and after school clubs.

Stay or leave - but use that £70k to buy your way out of this hole. Use his money for training, opportunities and childcare.

@Maiasaur

because OP's a selfish twat who can't handle the fact that whatever fairy tale she was stupid enough to believe can't be made to work with her current circumstances Actually I think millions of young women have been sold the fairytale that they’re equal to men. Right from starting school we’re told that boys and girls are equal, girls can do anything boys can do, girl power, initiatives to get more women into male dominated fields like STEM, computing and policing, etc. Women can drink like men, have casual sex like men, drive fast cars and do extreme sports like men. Equality has been achieved, right? That’s what I was led to believe.

Then you have a baby and discover that equality was an illusion. Women who appear to be equal either have no kids, lots of money or older relatives who offer free childcare. The truth is, you have a baby and it fucks your body one way or another and you end up taking time off work. If you don’t have money or family support then you’re left holding the baby. And that scuppers your ambitions and your life in general.

I’m not so much angry at DH as at society. Equality my arse. What’s the point of pushing me through all of these “women in STEM” programs if I’m going to be excluded as soon as I have a child to look after?

I agree when you have a child you do realise that some of the apparent equality can be a mirage.

But your fundamental problem is your husband and his unwillingness to be a proper partner and team player.

You can get a job. You can build a career. You’re going to have to dig in however and it will be harder because your husband is a selfish man who won’t do his part.

Totally disagree with your last comment. Equality doesn't exist, it's talked about all the time! You have to fight for equality both in the workplace AND at home. For what it's worth, I'm a high earner, the breadwinner of the family and I do 90% of the childcare when DC is sick because my partners work is so inflexible and male dominated. The difference is I put my DC in childcare 4 days a week so I have my career to feel fulfilled and I also put my foot down and tell my partner he needs to look after DC because I have meetings etc and his boss will just have to lump it.

@FloconDeNeige - no - but I can see the blindly insulting other people is unkind. And ignorant, actually

The OP seems to want the above without trying. And also as a pp observed, whilst at the same time trying to nobble her dh. Ok, she hates him. But it’s cutting off your nose to spite your face if you lose the breadwinner.

Some of my post disappeared! OP seems to want the above - ie Big Career - without trying.

Then you have a baby and discover that equality was an illusion. Women who appear to be equal either have no kids, lots of money or older relatives who offer free childcare. The truth is, you have a baby and it fucks your body one way or another and you end up taking time off work. If you don’t have money or family support then you’re left holding the baby. And that scuppers your ambitions and your life in general.

I’m one of those women, I am the higher earner, although the disparity isn’t as large as in your relationship. I am in a leadership role in IT and work long hours when needed.

We make it work because of two things - we acknowledge that we are both responsible for our child, and we buy in help.

You don’t have a partner who takes responsibility for his child, but you can buy in help. By refusing to do either you are only hurting yourself because your DH doesn’t give a shit.