Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

OP you're getting a hard time on this thread but I just want to say I hear you and I get it. Completely.

@FloconDeNeige yes exactly this.

@PurpleOkapi

However, some posters try to frame this as reasonable (!) it really, really isn't and exposes your DH as a really unpleasant person. No one should be pressurising any woman to go through pregnancies through threats.

People divorce over pregnancy and child-related issues all the time. People divorce because their spouse wants another child. People divorce because their spouse doesn't want another child. People divorce because their spouse got sterilised without telling them. People divorce because they knew their spouse was sterilised, but inexplicably decided after several years of marriage that this was now a problem. I've seen all of those threads on MN, with the sexes arranged in every possible configuration. And the bottom line is always the same: neither of them is wrong to make it a dealbreaker issue, but if it's a dealbreaker issue for both of them, they should divorce.

"Threatening" to divorce someone because you're not on the same page about reproduction isn't being a monster. A man has just as much right as a woman to divorce for that reason. Yes, he was rude about it, but just going by OP's posts here, I doubt she was perfectly polite to him throughout that conversation, either. No matter what either of them said, the bottom line is that OP - by her own admission - chose to have a child she didn't want because she'd rather live in a house than a bedsit. That's too mind-bogglingly stupid and narcissistic for it to be anyone else's fault.

I'm not sure whether you're being deliberately obtuse or you really have no idea of nuance and how much that changes situations. There is a massive difference between: 'I'm afraid I can't accept us not going forward with this pregnancy and it's a dealbreaker for me. When we split, I want to be fair and make sure we get 50% each.' And, 'You have to have this baby and if you don't I'll make sure you lose your home and I'll tell everyone it's your fault and you've killed our child'.

To call her mind bogglingly stupid and narcissistic because she wasn't able to guess the consequences of her decisions at an extremely difficult time (especially when the DH lied to her ) says nothing about the OP and everything about you.

The fact that you think it doesn't make any difference if the DH does childcare or pays for it is completely immaterial to the OP. It's how she feels that counts and how clearly it goes towards her view of the DH who initially lied to and threatened her about something extremely important and now continues to even make any kind of compromise or provide any kind of emotional support. That's what kills marriages.

I can only assume you have a very IMPORTANT job yourself and are so smug about your decisions. There can be no other reason why you are so ridiculous invested in supporting the DH and having zero empathy for the OP. For that reason, I'm not going to continue to reply to you as your over investment will mean that you have to cling to every shred of your unreasonable opinion. I can only hope that the OP chooses to ignore every contribution that you make as it's not designed to help but to harangue and to boost your own ego to prove how right you've been.

This thread is making my blood boil. How anyone can defend the husband is beyond me, and an incredibly depressing reminder of how little feminism has actually achieved, that there are women on here thinking his behaviour is any way reasonable. Why should the OP be the one sucking it up and making all the sacrifices, especially when her hand is being forced by this abusive man? It’s all very well telling her having a child means making sacrifices and if she’s not working she should do all the grunt work blah blah, but why aren’t the people leaping to the husband’s defence saying HE should be making sacrifices too? Sorry, but no job save perhaps an emergency medical worker is too important for someone to have to leave early a couple of times to pick up their kids, or miss a day if the child is sick. That’s life. His employer sounds archaic and the fact he’s a father with responsibilities means he simply cannot work somewhere like that. In an ideal world, OP would simply get a job and go out to work and tell him ‘tough’ exactly like he’s doing to her, leaving him no choice but to do the childcare, again, like he is doing to her. But it sounds like he can’t be trusted to even look after his own kid or leave it with someone who can be trusted. So not only is he an abusive husband, he’s a neglectful father.

The paid childcare is a red herring. Yes, she could and probably should use it to get her career back on track but that won’t change the fact her husband is a deeply misogynist c*nt.

Honestly this thread and the people defending the husband are such a depressing indictment of society and how deep misogyny runs, and how rampant it is among some women. A great advert for never having kids because men and society are too sexist to actually support women in retaining their own lives after motherhood. And OP’s right, motherhood isn’t an achievement (apologies to those who struggled to conceive but it’s not a question of achievement). OP is perfectly entitled to want professional attainment and recognition and to make advances as an individual separate to her status as a mother.

I'm not defending the husband and I don't think it's a negative thing for a woman/mother to have career aspirations.

I just feel sorry for the kid in the middle who doesn't seem to be prioritised by either of its parents.

@TedMullins

This thread is making my blood boil. How anyone can defend the husband is beyond me, and an incredibly depressing reminder of how little feminism has actually achieved, that there are women on here thinking his behaviour is any way reasonable. Why should the OP be the one sucking it up and making all the sacrifices, especially when her hand is being forced by this abusive man? It’s all very well telling her having a child means making sacrifices and if she’s not working she should do all the grunt work blah blah, but why aren’t the people leaping to the husband’s defence saying HE should be making sacrifices too? Sorry, but no job save perhaps an emergency medical worker is too important for someone to have to leave early a couple of times to pick up their kids, or miss a day if the child is sick. That’s life. His employer sounds archaic and the fact he’s a father with responsibilities means he simply cannot work somewhere like that. In an ideal world, OP would simply get a job and go out to work and tell him ‘tough’ exactly like he’s doing to her, leaving him no choice but to do the childcare, again, like he is doing to her. But it sounds like he can’t be trusted to even look after his own kid or leave it with someone who can be trusted. So not only is he an abusive husband, he’s a neglectful father.

The paid childcare is a red herring. Yes, she could and probably should use it to get her career back on track but that won’t change the fact her husband is a deeply misogynist c*nt.

Honestly this thread and the people defending the husband are such a depressing indictment of society and how deep misogyny runs, and how rampant it is among some women. A great advert for never having kids because men and society are too sexist to actually support women in retaining their own lives after motherhood. And OP’s right, motherhood isn’t an achievement (apologies to those who struggled to conceive but it’s not a question of achievement). OP is perfectly entitled to want professional attainment and recognition and to make advances as an individual separate to her status as a mother.

I'm not sure what thread you are reading, but the vast majority of people think he's an arse.

And OP’s right, motherhood isn’t an achievement

But being a decent parent is (something not sure is the case here). We don't have to diminish the role of motherhood to acknowledge that it's already great to have a career, do we?

Also*

@hellsbells329 the OP is talking a good game here, but if she wasn't prioritising her DC then she wouldn't have started the thread. She would have let her DH have his apparently unfit DM look after their DC - to her credit she hasn't. She feels - perhaps misguidedly- that some childcare settings are better for her DC than others, again demonstrating that the DC is a priority.

I agree that it can't be great for the DC living in a continual cauldron of discontentment with DPs who seemingly hate each other, but the best way to remedy that is for OP to get some core fulfilment in her life and/or divorce.

because OP's a selfish twat who can't handle the fact that whatever fairy tale she was stupid enough to believe can't be made to work with her current circumstances.

Either you're reading a different thread to me or you're the OPs husband.

@Bagelsandbrie

I’m going to be flamed for this. I know I am. But I can sort of see his point. He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps. I completely understand how fed up and frustrated you are in your own job situation but I think especially with covid etc you both need to do everything you can to protect the main breadwinners job - and I’d say that if it was a man or a woman in that position.

If he’s working long hours and not getting in till late and you’re not working I think the cooking / house stuff should fall to you. It’s different if you’re both working full time.

But - none of this gives him the right to talk to you like an arse. He doesn’t sound very kind in the way he says things and that’s a real problem in itself.

This

@Maiasaur I was thinking about you last night (while trying to make up my hours at 10pm because I've had unexpected childcare!).

You haven't said what kind of work you do, so this might not help but have you considered a job where it's predominantly working from home? Then you don't have to miss work if your dc is ill.
I work in the public sector, so lower pay than private generally but not unreasonably so, but I wfh and have flexitime and flexible hours so you don't have to be absent to cover every scenario with dc.

That kind of set up works whether you stay with 'd'h or not, you can also access mentoring or fast track programmes in a lot of these roles if progression is something you want to do quickly and with civil service it's easy enough to move around.

@SpinsForGin

because OP's a selfish twat who can't handle the fact that whatever fairy tale she was stupid enough to believe can't be made to work with her current circumstances.

Either you're reading a different thread to me or you're the OPs husband.

I think ignoring PurpleOkapi is the best plan - there’s clearly an axe to grind there somewhere

I know many think he’s an arse but there’s a sizeable minority who don’t. The fact this situation (which I doubt is unique) exists in the first place is depressing. The fact the husband so inflexibly holds these views is depressing. He thinks he’s reasonable and somewhere along the line his views have been enabled and reinforced by society rather than challenged or OP wouldn’t be in this place. Yes, the poor kid is caught in the middle, largely because his selfish father is making no allowances or compromises for his own child’s upbringing.

OP I can completely understand how angry you are. Your DH sounds very controlling with his threats, and like he has no interest in spending any time with the dc he insisted you have or quality time with you (no leave longer than a long weekend when he is entitled to a week - what's the pointof being a high earner if you don't even have holidays!). It's possible to raise kids on much less that 70k so he chose promotion over family relationships, its not just about providing for you. His employers sound horrible and old fashioned and he should either be looking for another job or t least insisting on his legal rights.

I also don't know why you are getting a hard time for struggling for childcare during the lockdowns and pandemic. Childcare bubbles weren't allowed at the start of the first lockdown, there was only childcare for key workers. Others worked from home, were furlough muddled along between them or I would imagine some broke the rules to get family help. Even if they were allowed the whole time, that would rely on having someone close who was willing and suitable to do it, which it doesn't sound like OP has as she says they don't even have someone who can babysit for them to go out together. People are saying just pay for childcare as if it is that easy, but OP has mentioned she was using both nursery and childminders once she could, the issue was the times the child was ill or isolating. I don't think it is possible to find paid childcare to cover those gaps, and I personally wouldn't have been comfortable to send dc to grandparents or friends of they were isolating due to covid contact, even if it was an option.

However, as you say OP that is less of an issue now so I think for your own sanity you need to just plough on with looking for a job and childcare. Yes these things should be things you discuss as a couple but it seems your dh has washed his hands of both responsibility for childcare and emotionally supporting his wife.

I do think because you have understandably built up a lot of resentment you are now mentally putting barriers up to a lot of solutions. I also think you have a rosy view of how things would be if you were working, but the important thing now is to try something and see, even if not in your ideal career at this stage.

You do need to be careful in your financial considerations though- your calculations on possible earnings don't seem to take childcare costs into account, and you will have to use some paid childcare if no family help available, as it's not realistic think you would both get part time jobs that fitted in completely even if your DH was willing, which he definitely isn't. As others have said it sounds like you might be close to your dc starting school, which will help there - if you plan for them you'll only need after school / breakfast clubs.

Good luck OP.

Oh and by the way it makes me sad how many people are sneering at the idea of being in career on 22k. A) plenty of jobs with room for progression start around or below that and you don't live in the real world if you think that's ridiculously low. B) to me a career is any job / field you enjoy and want to progress in or stay in and do well, no matter if it is minimum wage. I get from a practical point of view people put the higher wage earner first, but there is no need to be so sneery and dismissive!

Yes, the poor kid is caught in the middle, largely because his selfish father is making no allowances or compromises for his own child’s upbringing

Neither is OP though, because she doesn't want to use paid childcare in a way that would mean they could both work.

Thirdly, its hard but the lower earner is always the one who takes time off when they are ill, in my experience. It feels horrid but when one job pays the bills and keeps the family afloat, and one is more like a holiday find, or enough for some treats etc, it’s a no brainer really.

Just no. This just feeds into the narrative that men work to provide for their family and women work for frivolities and treats.
If we take this attitude then women will never progress their careers in the same ways as men do because women are more likely to earn less than their male partners. The reasons for this are multifaceted and for a different discussion but those are the facts.

When you are a parent you have to expect that you will need to take some time off when they are sick. This is why companies have dependants leave.
The person taking the time of should be one whose day would be least affected. My DH earns double my salary but knows that there are certain days where I have zero flexibility so he needs to step up. It's called being a parent and a partner.

To be honest I don’t think either are behaving well. It’s often the case when a marriage breaks down the fight between the parents becomes all consuming and the child is not prioritised.

I can only hope that the child doesn’t hear their parents arguing because no one wants to look after them, or that the words the op uses on here, are just to vent and are never uttered in the home.

I think ignoring PurpleOkapi is the best plan - there’s clearly an axe to grind there somewhere

After reading some of their other comments I think I you're right

@Fetarabbit

Yes, the poor kid is caught in the middle, largely because his selfish father is making no allowances or compromises for his own child’s upbringing

Neither is OP though, because she doesn't want to use paid childcare in a way that would mean they could both work.

Yes she is! She’s literally making all the sacrifices! I agree paid childcare would be a sticking plaster but as I’ve already said it wouldn’t change the husband’s deep seated misogyny and lack of regard for his wife and child

Yes she is! She’s literally making all the sacrifices! I agree paid childcare would be a sticking plaster but as I’ve already said it wouldn’t change the husband’s deep seated misogyny and lack of regard for his wife and child

Yes but you can't change someone's behaviour, yes he is in the wrong, and given his past actions I would be packing my bags. But staying home and seething with anger and resentment won't get or facilitate a job, will it?Getting paid childcare even though its not 'part of the plan' would however mean they could get a job. Personally I would leave (I left my ex so not all hot air) and prioritise myself and my child over a man's career when he doesn't give two hoots, its not doing anyone any favours, and it certainly isn't helping get career back on track is it. Sometimes reality has to take precedence over ideals.

Just commenting with massive love respect and solidarity to you OP. Becoming a SAHM - joint decision- absolutely fucked my career and then my DH moved the goalposts and said he could not do any school pick ups drop off or sick days because he was so important as the main earner. Everyone around me agreed with him and belittled me and the job I then got to fit in with dc which pays exactly 1/6 of what I earned pre dc. It’s a trap and it’s the patriarchy and having children absolutely fucks your career but also exposes the men as rather liking the patriarchy and not happy to then become equal partners. Disclaimer: fine, not all men.

The victim blaming here is so sad. OP should just put up and shut up?? Really?? She she just accept whatever her abusive husband is doing to her? Like she isn't a person herself but a punching bag?

In this situation (my worst nightmare as I want a career and not children) I'd disappear. Men can do it so why not mothers too. I'd run and hide and then rebuild my own life and identity.

Also for those saying no way could OP go from £22k to £40k, the husband has done it hasn't he? Or is it only men who can do this and not women?
I'm a woman and I've gone from £18k to £35k in 3 years so maybe it's just you who can't do it?

@Maiasaur @TedMullins

Your DH is a misogynistic twat. Ignore everyone on here who tells you to give up life as an actual individual and devote yourself to supporting your DH ambitions. Screw that.

So here is what to do.

1. Your DH behaved terribly, potentially unforgiveably when you were pregnant and continues to behave terribly. Only you can decide if it is worth working on or whether the respect is gone. But, and this is a big one, if you can bear living with him, then this is not an urgent decision. Just leave it to one side for a bit.

2. Your DH has made very clear where he stands and is not listening to any other views. You can't change that. So however monumentally unfair, the fact that you want the best for your child and DH won't step up means that your future has changed forever. One way or another, your future is not what you had in your head. It has gone and yes, DH is somewhat responsible for that. This point is the reason for half the posts on MN.

3. You do have the power to change what your future looks like. It might not be the one you planned but it is NOT the one DH has planned for you.

4. You didn't want paid childcare for your DC. I get it. We all get it. Truly we do. Your DC has had you through the most important early years where a primary caregiver is crucial. You are now holding yourself prisoner because you are trying to carve your future according to your old plan, which is no longer possible. There are lots of different paid childcare options. Get on waiting lists, get organised and sort out childcare options. Children no longer have to isolate unless they actually have covid. If you are double jabbed, neither do you. So now things are more normal in that sense.

5. Do it alone. Get a job and sort your childcare. Just do it. I know it's hard. But just ignore DH. Short of chaining you to the sink what can he do. So read your old CV, find ways to work on your confidence and get a job. I know it's easy for me to write. He is not going to step up. You are now staring at a long time out of the work place as you know. So get back in.

6. It isn't fair. None of it is fair. But you have a child and a DH that won't do his share. So that is the basis on which to make decisions. Not on what you thought it was going to be like.

DM me if you want.

@Maiasaur

I am confused as to what you want him to do in terms of looking for a job that suits your family life better? I have fuck all idea what to do in this situation he’s put me in. I think he should be supporting me in researching options and finding training and jobs that will allow me to facilitate him as he wants me to. But he thinks it’s solely my problem not his.

If I was going to leave I’d need a job. My previous career is too demanding to go back to as a single mum. But doing something other than what I’m qualified for won’t pay enough. I’m honestly just lost and don’t know what to do.

He’s effectively keeping you hostage because he won’t take the equal responsibility for parenting
Yes that’s honestly how I feel. The time I was off work due to pregnancy related illness couldn’t be helped. And I totally agree that during unprecedented and uncertain pandemic times when there was no paid childcare available, it was sensible for us to prioritise his reliable job while I looked after DC. But things have stabilised, we’ve been vaccinated, there are no more 10 day isolation periods unless you’re actually sick. We’re back where we were in Feb 2020 when I had a start date for a new job. Except now he’s not willing to do his share any more.

Hi OP

I am sorry your H is treating you like this (I have purposefully not called him DH).

I can feel the resentment and despair radiating through the screen.

I do think divorce is your best option but more in a long term, well planned way.

I know how overwhelming it is to try and find a job etc but I do want to encourage you to break out of the mindset that you need his help to find a suitable job.

"I have fuck all idea what to do in this situation he’s put me in. I think he should be supporting me in researching options and finding training and jobs that will allow me to facilitate him as he wants me to."

^^ You really can do this. He doesn't have magical employment knowledge/powers that you don't have. It's hard as you are doing all the childcare and all the house stuff but set aside an hour every day (and more at the weekend if possible) to focus on researching childcare options, costing them out, looking for a job and looking for re-training opportunities - in those buckets. I really think if you do this methodically and consistently and also a separate bucket for your "exit plan" you will start to feel much more empowered and not need to beg your horrible H for his help.

Best of luck and keep posting here - you will get lots of advice.