Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

Sounds like you need to force his hand. Leave. Just walk out. Leave your child with him so he is forced to do some childcare. Get yourself some breathing space and work out what you want to do with your marriage.

@Maiasaur

You say that what will make you happy is being a high achiever, there is no mention of your child making you happy which is sad I love my child but motherhood isn’t something I regard as an achievement, any idiot can pop out a baby.

A lot of people do actually struggle to conceive . This is a really offensive thing to say .

Some ideas:

• take up meditating to get some distance from your anger. Being so angry must be draining so much of your energy and you need that energy to do good things for you

• try the "Best of Both Worlds" podcast, it's about women getting the best out of family and work. It's a bit American, but most of it applies to UK. They talk a lot about childcare. And if you want a career you need to get less sniffy and figure out childcare. My kids' childminder is not a "random", she is a pillar that our family depend on. I happily paid her during lockdown when she couldn't actually work, because she's important. She's added so much to my DCs lives. Don't kill your life to avoid childcare - the idea that it's not good for children is shonky nonsense you can liberate yourself from.

• look into the 15hrs nursery thing, I think you said your child is nearly 4. They should qualify and you can use the time to focus on your career

• focus on your career instead of your husband. Can you find ways to steal time to work on it? Maybe do an hour each night, or wake up an hour earlier, or get a reciprocal childcare arrangement with a friend, or hire a babysitter for a few hours, or go to a local library at the weekend and leave DH to it. Research, plan, study, network, whatever is appropriate for your potential career. Start getting things rolling. Covid is going, your DC is older, things are changing, and you can get yourself in a position to make the best of it. Pare back on housewifery activities: wear clothes more before washing, beans on toast or frozen pizza for dinner a few times, a cleaner. Steal the time and use it to focus on what you want and need.

I do understand your resentment and frustration. But firstly, I’m not sure your DH needs to help you find a job..! I mean, surely that’s a one person task. And you have quite a bit of time to do it, I’m assuming.
Secondly, earning a high salary is part of good parenting at the end of the day. Think of all the opportunities afforded to your child on an income of 70 as opposed to a combined salary of 50 minus childcare.
Thirdly, its hard but the lower earner is always the one who takes time off when they are ill, in my experience. It feels horrid but when one job pays the bills and keeps the family afloat, and one is more like a holiday find, or enough for some treats etc, it’s a no brainer really. And it’s definitely not always the woman, it just is in this case. It sounds like your DH doesn’t consider your needs and wants to be important though so that definitely needs to be sorted out.

I don't know any couple who have two successful high achieving careers and don't have additional support for childcare. It's definitely a life style choice but I can understand why your husband questions why he should take the £35k salary cut because you have a different view about childminders. The children will barely remember it when they are older and would far rather be in a house with happy and fulfilled parents.

I suggest you think carefully about why you don't want to use childcare to enable you to move forward in your career. There are very few things you can alter to change your situation and the childcare point is one of them within your control. If this point is the main one which is causing rows bitterness and is likely to lead to divorce then perhaps review it.

For £70k his company expects a lot, in London that's not a fortune and generally people are extremely understanding and encouraging of staff having a work life balance. I'm really surprised with the old fashioned attitudes they have, perhaps he could move job to a different company with better policies and attitudes?

Op just noticed the bit about your state pension. If you register for child benefit you automatically get credit for state pension as a parent of a child under 11 I think. This is even if you can't claim the benefit due to earnings. Please check it out.

Thirdly, its hard but the lower earner is always the one who takes time off when they are ill, in my experience. It feels horrid but when one job pays the bills and keeps the family afloat, and one is more like a holiday find, or enough for some treats etc, it’s a no brainer really.

This isn’t true or shouldn’t be. The person whose day will be less impacted takes the day off.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

Well, he showed you what he was. Four years ago.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

However, some posters try to frame this as reasonable (!) it really, really isn't and exposes your DH as a really unpleasant person. No one should be pressurising any woman to go through pregnancies through threats. It has risks, which you discovered to your cost, and should be undertaken completely freely. Added to that, to make promises that I think he never really intended to keep (although you're giving the benefit of the doubt, here, I don't because of his subsequent attitude), is just awful.

What exposes him as a horrible person, rather than the paragon some posters portray him as just because he goes out to work, is his attitude towards you. I understand why you're longing to get some support with job hunting because he signally is failing to give you any support in any other area. In fact he is actively sabotaging you by failing to agree to do any sort of childcare, even during evenings and weekends.

It's that attitude that is killing the love OP. That will not change. He does not love and respect you.

I'm not underestimating how difficult it would be to be a single parent. But you would not have the weight of resentment that you have now. And you wouldn't be cleaning up and cooking for an ungrateful brat who thinks his big job entitles him to put his needs wholly above any needs of yours or your child's.

It's his attitude that would kill the marriage, not the fact that he works and you don't.

@Pallisers

Shortly thereafter, it would undoubtedly occur to him that if he's paying someone else to do those things anyway, there's really no reason for him to keep paying to feed, clothe, and house her. And he'll be right.

one of the best bits about NOT being a SAHM is I never got some twat saying my husband "fed clothed and housed me". My dad was born in 1926 and he didn't think this about his wife who didn't work outside the home. Nice one.

Yep. And there's absolutely nothing stopping OP from ceasing to be a SAHM other than her unceasing tantrum about how paid childcare is just wrong. So despite all her carrying on about it, it can't possibly bother her all that much.

And incidentally, it's possible to completely understand that many women want to work, and disliking criticism about WOH mothers, without stooping to describing SAHMs as just wiping bottoms.

Just because some SAHPs are smug cows, doesn't entitle you to be smug cows towards the vast majority who aren't.

*Pallisers
Shortly thereafter, it would undoubtedly occur to him that if he's paying someone else to do those things anyway, there's really no reason for him to keep paying to feed, clothe, and house her. And he'll be right.

one of the best bits about NOT being a SAHM is I never got some twat saying my husband "fed clothed and housed me". My dad was born in 1926 and he didn't think this about his wife who didn't work outside the home. Nice one.
Yep. And there's absolutely nothing stopping OP from ceasing to be a SAHM other than her unceasing tantrum about how paid childcare is just wrong. So despite all her carrying on about it, it can't possibly bother her all that much*

That's not true because he could actually do some childcare himself at the weekends but seems to think that's beneath him. But it's fine for her to do.

However, some posters try to frame this as reasonable (!) it really, really isn't and exposes your DH as a really unpleasant person. No one should be pressurising any woman to go through pregnancies through threats.

People divorce over pregnancy and child-related issues all the time. People divorce because their spouse wants another child. People divorce because their spouse doesn't want another child. People divorce because their spouse got sterilised without telling them. People divorce because they knew their spouse was sterilised, but inexplicably decided after several years of marriage that this was now a problem. I've seen all of those threads on MN, with the sexes arranged in every possible configuration. And the bottom line is always the same: neither of them is wrong to make it a dealbreaker issue, but if it's a dealbreaker issue for both of them, they should divorce.

"Threatening" to divorce someone because you're not on the same page about reproduction isn't being a monster. A man has just as much right as a woman to divorce for that reason. Yes, he was rude about it, but just going by OP's posts here, I doubt she was perfectly polite to him throughout that conversation, either. No matter what either of them said, the bottom line is that OP - by her own admission - chose to have a child she didn't want because she'd rather live in a house than a bedsit. That's too mind-bogglingly stupid and narcissistic for it to be anyone else's fault.

@Pinkorangutan

*Pallisers Shortly thereafter, it would undoubtedly occur to him that if he's paying someone else to do those things anyway, there's really no reason for him to keep paying to feed, clothe, and house her. And he'll be right.

one of the best bits about NOT being a SAHM is I never got some twat saying my husband "fed clothed and housed me". My dad was born in 1926 and he didn't think this about his wife who didn't work outside the home. Nice one.
Yep. And there's absolutely nothing stopping OP from ceasing to be a SAHM other than her unceasing tantrum about how paid childcare is just wrong. So despite all her carrying on about it, it can't possibly bother her all that much*

That's not true because he could actually do some childcare himself at the weekends but seems to think that's beneath him. But it's fine for her to do.

Sure, he probably could. But what does that have to do with anything? She's not going to have any kind of real career working only weekends. And if he'd rather pay for weekend childcare than do it himself, that's his prerogative. That doesn't need to stop OP from working on the weekends or any time time. Her repeated insistence that she "can't" doesn't make it true.

Purpleokapi, you have said clearly that you believe that a man working and a woman staying home means he is housing, feeding and clothing her. My grandparents would have balked at this - and they were born in the 19th century. They and my parents viewed families as a joint endeavour, a shared responsibility. In 2021 it is not exactly unreasonable for a woman to think that joint endeavour should include her wish to work and progress in her career and her husband - who presumably loves her - might be interested in a joint discussion, decision and implementation of how that might happen. It should NOT be just the wife's problem as to how to get herself back to work when she has already done all the heavy lifting of pregnancy, birth, birth injuries, child care etc. It should be a family concern.

This thread is an example of why women should never ever ever give up their careers to have a baby no matter what men promise them. The OP's dh either lied or reneged. She was left literally holding the baby. and so many many women on here are calling her all sorts of names and telling her she is a bad mother or she should be grateful to be a reluctant sahm and watch her hopes and dreams of her life and career go down the toilet.

And people who think the dh is working so hard and taking promotions because he wants to provide for his family? Seriously? Have you ever met men like this? not decent men who work hard for their families but men who do it when their wives are begging them not to. he is doing it because it feeds his own ego and his own ambition and it is a nice side justification thing that he "provides" for his family. I worked with these guys - they are all ambitious and it is rarely about providing a better life for anyone (in fairness the guys I worked with didn't pretend - maybe it is just women who presume the poor darlings are only doing it to provide for the wee wifie and kiddies). It is always about their own lives and their own ambitions - the same ambitions the OP is being excoriated for having.

This thread has given me a lot of food for thought for conversations with my daughters.

Actually, @Maiasaur.. I totally get it. I gave up my career to be the delightfully termed “Trailling Spouse” when my DH had great job opportunities overseas. He wanted me to work as well, despite him traveling, not earning enough for us to cover childcare and my job involving travel too. He couldn’t wrap his thick head around the idea that an au pair would need their own room and bathroom, etc. We didn’t have that of course. Nor would the other mums at school step up and babysit our three kids for free either. (Moron.) Much resentment there. He didn’t want to pay for language lessons either. Btw, when I say he traveled, we’re talking up to 22wks at a time, leaving me to navigate an entirely different language, school system and medical system, etc. Not to mention racist, antisocial neighbours.
Then we moved back “home” and I began to settle. I was happy, found a job I liked, the kids were happy, etc… Then his job went to shit and we moved again. This place is awful. He loves it. I started studying because I can’t work in my field anymore anyway. (A) am unknown now. B) Covid has killed off that industry entirely. I am enjoying my studies, but I’m nearly 50, and they have been interrupted by the long illnesses and care requirements (and deaths) of both of my parents, then the care requirements of his dad, my uncle and now my own health issues. His job is currently threatened and he is now pressuring me to hurry up and get back into the workforce. He is blaming me for our current financial situation. (Up shit creek. We are renting because he never listens to anyone and we have no fucking savings.) Somehow the fact that I was the bigger earner originally has been forgotten, the fact that we had a home with a deposit I brought to the marriage has been forgotten and I paid off his credit cards at the beginning of our marriage also. We own two cars (in my name) paid for with my inheritance and we lived off the rest of that whole he was unemployed and working for free during fucking lockdown to keep his “secure” job. (If he had told them where to go and started working for himself, we’d be In gravy) We have been in counselling, but he’s resentful that I keep bringing up the past.

@DottyHarmer

The way OP's husband is effectively 'washing his hands' of any parental responsibility and insisting that OP do everything to do with childcare or child rearing as well as all domestic stuff by threatening to take his own child to an alcoholic rather than care for the child himself, is already abusive behavior !

There is no way to resolve the OP's issue, because HE doesn't WANT to and is already using threats to get his own way.

So they are already 'enemy flatmates'

I would hope that by giving him a 'taste of his own medicine', so to speak, the OP might be able to make his life so 'uncomfortable', simply by withdrawing her free 'labour', that he may be more 'amenable' to compromise.

As things stand, he's issuing all the orders about what suits him, and forcing the OP to capitulate. But his 'routine' and 'cosy' home, with hot meals and 'maid service' just keeps rolling along happily, doesn't it ? So why would he ever support a 'change' ??

OP: I think you resent your husbands lucky breaks (and honestly going from 28 to 70k in 4 years isn’t usual)

Realistically, if you were on 22k, and you’d moved up a level, I think you’d have earned 28-32k-ish, but as you haven’t given us any idea what you do hard to know

I can see both sides of this, but I also think OP is living in a bit of a fantasy/focused on competing with husband vs getting on with things

OP: Your child is 4: when does he/she start school: next September? That gives you 10 months to work on a plan. Can you use this time to take courses flexibly to get up to date?

I agree that refusing to use paid childcare is your big barrier. Accept where you are, and be glad you have access to a lot more resources than if your H was on 28k.

Your refusal sounds really driven by hostility to your husband: do you really think all working parents/lone parents DC are cared for inadequately by paid help?

Most office jobs have now gone hybrid which helps with how much childcare you’d need for school pick ups/drop offs

Get therapy to deal with the resentment and get on with making a decent life: and as your husband is not abusive I’d really think twice about leaving: having a career will be a lot harder as a lone parent

OP, you are also going to need to start making a contingency plan in case he decides to divorce you or meets someone else. Your home life sounds miserable and I can't imagine he is any happier. And he has already showed you he is willing to walk, over the baby discussion so can do it again.

There is a lot of focus on everyone, including me, telling you to leave but tbh he's a flight risk too. And the decision to divorce may not be yours. So get on with sorting yourself out while you still have his financial support. You are, and always have been far too dependent on him financially. Even pre DC. This is why, his lack of support has completely unravelled you. Your DH's career choices or lack of help shouldn't have such a huge impact to your life that you think it's destroyed. That means you were never very independent to begin with. So you need to take decisive action and get yourself out of this mess and on the path to being able to support yourself and DC.

@Justilou1 that sounds very hard for you.

Another thought the school term after your child turns 3 you automatically get 15 hours free childcare if you both work it increase to 30 hours a week. This may help with job hunting as you can use these hours over as many days as needed and you can use more than one provider.

OP, honestly, I can see why you are so angry, but your approach is totally wrong.
You need to calmly assess your options.
If you truly hate the guy then by all means divorce. By divorcing you have to accept your own responsibility for your own life. It doesn't sound like you are doing it. It is childish to ask him to help you looking for a job. Independent adults look for their own jobs.. And you want to be one.
If you decide to stay perhaps you need to try to understand wider situation, not just your own problem. It is idiotic idea to ask someone at 70k to go back to a job earning 30k so you can get another job for under 30k and start paying for the childcare. It doesn't make any sense.
It is great you want to go back to work. Your child will start school and you can hire a much cheaper childcare/use after school clubs when you go back to work full time. By this time your husband's position will be less risky and he might be able to take some childcare responsibilities.

If there’s one thing this thread has done, is show how some women and MRAs absolutely cannot abide another woman with any career ambition.

Just because they don’t have any, or because they’re incapable of earning their own coin without a man, they are twisted and jealous of women who can.

Ignore these handmaidens, OP, they want to bring you down as your will and ambition threaten their own pathetic, tiny lives.

You’re angry now, and rightfully so. But if you can channel it, you’ll get back on track.

@Iwonder08 the DH will never take on childcare responsibilities, whilst he's working at the same firm. I've never heard of anyone losing their job because they took emergency leave to look after their own DC because their DW is in hospital. In most workplaces the man would be feted - as they usually are when they take on a tiny percentage of what the DM usually does ( not of course if they do "too much" then they become pseudo women and not respected at all).

He's not doing any childcare because he doesn't want to. Even one day in the isolation scenario could have made all the difference for OP and her employers. It would at least have shown OP that she mattered. He wouldn't have lost his job or put it in jeopardy for one lousy day.

But otherwise you're right - things will get a bit easier soon.