Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Lockheart some people having fertility doesn’t make it untrue. Unless you really want them children aren’t a joy.

And in the OP’s case she even wanted to abort the baby.[/quote]
It is demonstrably untrue. Not everyone can just "pop out" a baby.

Honestly OP, I've read all your posts and you sound like you hate him so much that I don't think you have any choice but to leave. I think it sounds like you do care about your child, you're very adamant that they have good childcare, so go out and get some. It will be easier without your DH, I've no doubt about that. The environment that you're currently living in is so toxic that single parenthood has got to be better. I know so many people who has started their careers from scratch as single parents, it's most definitely possible. Take your share of the house/money and work out what you want to do with your life. If you can't make your previous career work as a single parent, retrain. You sound intelligent and driven, you will make this work, just like so many others in your situation. You can do this. You can make a good life for you and your child alone, and as you say, you may even find yourself in a healthy relationship with time, because this one is far from healthy. You need to leave soon for the sake of yourself and your child.

It sounds like when you were career equals he knew that he had to do his share if he wanted you to continue with the pregnancy, and you agreed to becoming a mum because you and DH had a similar view of how it would work.

Now he's got promoted lots, he's probably surrounded with the entitled, big, important men who can't possibly lower themselves to be equitable partners or hands on parents. That's why there's the flippant suggestions about getting a nurse nurse you were sick, because there's a certain mentality in some men of a certain seniority where the world revolves around them and their massive work-related egos. They're so self-absorbed that they stop viewing people as people, their spouses as spouses, and instead think the role of their spouse is to massage their ego, be grateful for the big important man salary, and should give up any personal aspirations in support of the big important man career.

It's no surprise then that the spouses (like you OP) end up full of resentment that the person they settled down with has turned into an unkind and arrogant twat. Worn down and feelings resentful, sexual intimacy declines (because nobody finds a selfish twat attractive) and then these big important men find someone at work who'll boost their ego. The big important man will spin all the lines about how it's so hard for them in their sexless marriage blah blah blah.

It's a tale as old as time.

You deserve more OP.

Your DC is 4. For some reason I though you had a baby and were struggling to adjust to motherhood and to find yourself again. It's been 4 years.
It sounds as though both you and your DH see your DC as a burden. That's a bit shit. Your resentment in your posts is all directed at your DH but I wonder how much of it is also directed at your DC in RL, because there is no sense of your 4-yr-old as a person in any of this. But my earlier advice still stands. Stop blaming your DH and your DC and retrain for the life you want.

@Blossomtoes

It’s WAY easier to be a single mother when you hate the other person this much. Actually it’s lovely being in charge of your own life and time around work and childcare and not having to deal with the presence physically and emotionally of someone who drains you, doesn’t respect you and actively makes your life harder.

It’s not in the least “lovely” being a single parent. It’s exhausting, emotionally draining and, in most cases, financially challenging. Don’t try to kid OP her husband’s going to settle for 50% custody because he won’t. She’ll get EOW if she’s lucky. She’ll be exactly where she is now with less money and a much lower standard of living.

This with bells on. Agree with PP suggesting marital therapy

OP - I’m mid 40s & close friends were in EXACTLY same situation: pregnancy he wanted more than her, she gave up work, resentment on both sides then a divorce

No one ended up happier, everyone is poorer & life is even harder now

Fucks sake "any idiot can pop out a baby" is a really shitty thing to say, and is a completely separate statement to 'raising children is fun'.
Single parenthood can be shit, it can also be freeing when you've been in a controlling relationship.
Get out OP, the dynamic has changed and the likelihood of a compromise that you both agree on is really slim. You can't carry hate like this it'll make you spiteful.

To some women, he would be classed as a good provider who earns enough so that Mum can stay at home with the children. Its not all bad news.

That only works if mum actually wants to stay at home. Otherwise you do feel trapped and resentful that your career is the one that's taken a hit.

You need to accept his position is not going to change on this . He has shown you that his needs come first .

You either accept that this is your life and you become further defunct or you start to make changes that allow you to progress.

The worst thing you can do is hope that he is going to have some sort of personality change and realise he needs to pull his weight . If you choose todo this , you will find yourself in a worse position than you are now .

You start to look for a job in your field . You put your child in childcare . You deal with illness, pick ups as you go along. You start to pay into a pension . You save money for you to be able to leave as and when you choose. You start to build-in options for progression for your future. Your child is not always going to be little. In a few years you will be thankful you have done this .

@SpinsForGin true, and I do know quite a few women who wish they could afford not to work. But surely when you have a child, someone's career takes a hit, even in the short term? Until biology improves and men start having babies, is this going to change?

@Blossomtoes

It’s WAY easier to be a single mother when you hate the other person this much. Actually it’s lovely being in charge of your own life and time around work and childcare and not having to deal with the presence physically and emotionally of someone who drains you, doesn’t respect you and actively makes your life harder.

It’s not in the least “lovely” being a single parent. It’s exhausting, emotionally draining and, in most cases, financially challenging. Don’t try to kid OP her husband’s going to settle for 50% custody because he won’t. She’ll get EOW if she’s lucky. She’ll be exactly where she is now with less money and a much lower standard of living.

I’m speaking from my personal experience, and i’ve found it much better 🤷‍♀️.

Pretty sure I didn’t mention anywhere about 50/50 shared care, I actually mentioned in both my posts doing it all alone as I have.

And, standard of living is not only about financial gains. You can have plenty of money and be fucking miserable, trapped and unfulfilled. I’ve been very hard up financially in the early days as a single mother and it was hard. Wasn’t harder than living with and co-parenting with someone who actively dragged me down all the time. And no I got NO chid maintenance (as ex hasn’t bothered to get a job in a decade) and certainly nothing like 50/50 shared care.

And she won’t be exactly where she is now as she won’t be living with this idiot.

If you are a single parent and hate it i’m sorry for you, but my experience has been different to yours. If you’re not one then it’s not for you to say it’s always bad. I’m very glad I became a single parent - it’s been very hard but I love my life. I have a great job, live somewhere I love, a lovely relationship with my son and a romantic relationship that’s amazing. I’d have none of that if I were still chained to the father of my child.

So yea, don’t get me wrong, it’s been hard - but it was worth it for me and I think that’s worth sharing to the OP to counter all the people telling her her life will go to shit if she single parents and she should stay with this asshole.

But surely when you have a child, someone's career takes a hit, even in the short term? Until biology improves and men start having babies, is this going to change?
DH and I did shared parental leave and both work part time, and have both gone on to have promotions.
It relies on men making the decision to take an equitable share of childcare and domestic responsibilities. There isn't the same penalty for men having kids as women, but until more men stand up and say "I value my career but I'm also unwilling to expect my wife to prop me up by doing the lion's share at home", not much will change.

I think having a baby is a huge achievement.

Go to therapy and figure out how you were emotionally manipulated and blackmailed by your husband
He says he didn’t. When I say of course you did, you threatened to divorce me and take away my home if I didn’t keep the baby? And he says yes exactly, you had a choice - you could have chosen to get divorced and move out.

I think being a parent can be tough and that’s a huge achievement too.

You have a choice now too. To look back or look ahead. Stop the anger and focus on the rest of your life.

[quote Coffeepot72]@SpinsForGin true, and I do know quite a few women who wish they could afford not to work. But surely when you have a child, someone's career takes a hit, even in the short term? Until biology improves and men start having babies, is this going to change?[/quote]
But you can minimise that hit.
Like the Op, when we decided to have a baby I made it very clear that I expected 50/50 from my DH. Like the OPs husband my DH has been promoted since we had our child and now has significantly more responsibility and earns double my salary. I still expect 50/50.... we do have to be flexible and make compromises though. Some weeks I need to take on more and vice versa but that's what marriage is supposed to be about.

Short of there being negligence

This must be one of the unhappiest family home for children that I can imagine

Parents truly despise one bother
Children never wanted in the first place

Sounds like hell. For the children.

[quote Coffeepot72]@SpinsForGin true, and I do know quite a few women who wish they could afford not to work. But surely when you have a child, someone's career takes a hit, even in the short term? Until biology improves and men start having babies, is this going to change?[/quote]
And to answer your question about whether it will ever change..... it will only change if more men take on equal responsibility for childcare regardless of whether you have a 'big' job or not and if employers make it acceptable for men to work flexibly for childcare reasons.

@Maiasaur

Go to therapy and figure out how you were emotionally manipulated and blackmailed by your husband He says he didn’t. When I say of course you did, you threatened to divorce me and take away my home if I didn’t keep the baby? And he says yes exactly, you had a choice - you could have chosen to get divorced and move out.

Did you discuss the fact that you didn't want children? Was he aware of this, and then changed his mind?

You need to stop being so passive about your life, and so angry, and just leave. He showed you who he was when he blackmailed you into having a child. Now you're trying to do the same blackmail by being angry/threatening divorce, hoping it will get him to change. I don't get the feeling you do want to leave, but that you just want him to make amends. And that you just want him to suffer/be punished to make up for it. He won't change and this is such a terrible, toxic life - you realise this will also come across to people around you, including employers. Bitterness is very evident and apparent and no one wants to be around it.

All you're now doing is giving your poor child a miserable existence because they can sense the tension, anger, resentment and complete lack of love. Forget your career, your home, your lifestyle and think of your child - and just leave. Then you can make your own life, be independent, take charge of your career, all the things you want. And if that feels too scary, then you really need to introspect that you are obviously more dependent on him than you think.

@Maiasaur

I'm also rather confused that in your OP you said you couldn't go back to work because nurseries were closed and then you couldn't get a place because they were oversubscribed and now you're saying it was never your plan to have your child looked after by randoms? Nursery is qualified teachers in a formal setting, with cctv and safeguarding procedures. Like school. But it was always the plan to pick up and drop off ourselves, flex our hours to maximise the time we spent with DC, handle sick days and school holidays ourselves, and do as much parenting as possible. Except now DH is saying he won’t do any of that and I don’t feel happy with hiring an individual in my home.

Even if your husband was willing to do more of the childcare than he actually is, it would be really hard to cover all the school holidays yourselves if you were both working full-time. Plus whoever opted to do pickup would also be required to take your child to after school clubs, do homework, entertain/look after them etc, so that would involve leaving work at around 3ish to get to school in time for pick up. To be honest, it is really difficult, if not near impossible, to have two full-time working parents without some kind of childcare. I may have misunderstood, but you want to go back to work but you also don't want any other childcare other than preschool/school. I think that this is something that you will have to change your mind on to be able to achieve what you want, career wise.

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Lockheart yes they can. Having a baby isn’t an achievement. Unless you have fertility issues etc.
And OP got pregnant by accident, plus didn’t want the baby.

The sooner we stop pretending children are always a joy etc and acknowledge how much hard work they are the better[/quote]
I have fertility problems and will never have children. I can acknowledge that they are a huge amount of work as and thread about wishing you hadn’t had them shows.

I’m not going to try to make judgments or apportion blame here, but a few thoughts about what might help with the way forward.
Unfortunately I think your plan that you’d bring up the child without using any external help bar nursery/school, by doing all pick ups and drop offs yourselves, and covering illness/ holidays from annual leave was just never going to work long term. It might - just- work while in nursery if it’s all year round and open early and late (e.g. 7.30-7). But if it’s term time nursery only and once your son goes to school it can’t. As others have pointed out, your annual leave won’t even cover the full school holidays between you, and most employers would be unlikely to give you both the flexibility to do all school pick ups between the two of you. If you both work full time you’ll need some additional help - what you describe as randoms- that’s the reality. And acknowledging that should be helpful with the way forward.
There are realities of any situation - including children - that you don’t appreciate until you are living it. It sounds like you are both stuck on a plan you made before you knew all the else realities and that is just not fit for purpose anymore.

Honestly you sound a mess. You’re fixating on what was agreed some time ago but what you need to do is look at the current situation and work out what you want to do. Discuss the situation with your husband. Be realistic and listen to his answers. If he’s not prepared to change, are you prepared to be main carer until your child starts school- when you will gradually start to get more time to work? And would probably be in a better position to support yourself if you leave? If so do it happily. If not, get out now, but don’t expect it to be easier straight away. And you need to try to change your mindset about motherhood, I have a career in a skilled area but I genuinely consider my greatest achievement so far to be raising my kids. Yes I agree that your husband sounds like a dick, and you obviously have some unresolved issues but your whole attitude is completely odd. At the end of the day there’s an innocent child at the heart of this who needs a loving environment to grow up in.

Do you know what - I'm sorry that you have been let down by your DH. I'm sorry that you are being sidelined by the person who is meant to support you. I hope you find a way to let go of your anger and that you find a way to get what you need and want.