Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

I wouldn't leave because of the 50/50, money, childcare or anything. I'd leave because he doesn't appear to like you. He appears to actively dislike you, who says I just won't cook, clean, shop anything to their partner? Whether they are staying at home currently or not.

I bet there are no women on here, working out of the home or not, who don't do some cooking, cleaning, shopping whatever their partner does and even if they have nannies/cleaners, because normal people all just pull together to make a household run, because they love the other people in it and wouldn't just sit on their arses chortling away about how they earn so much they literally have to never finger again (he's not even that high an earner).

Marriages are about being in a team, your husband isn't on the team and doesn't appear to like you. That's enough reason for me to want to go it alone. It is hard though being a single parent, because if he's shit at all that stuff now he won't do 50/50 so be prepared to go it alone but at least you won't have him undermining you and not having your back in life, so personally I would choose that.

Lift a finger...otherwise that sounds all kinds of wrong! (oh mumsnet, when are you going to provide an edit function....)

It sounds like you are both unhappy.

I would tell him you need to speak to him and once you have the child in bed tell him how you feel. Explain you want a more equal balance and you would like to go back to work. He needs to compromise for the sake of his marriage. If he cannot make changes then you will need to leave him.

You may hear something you don't want to hear like he wants to divorce anyway but atleast you will know where you stand and can get on with the rest of your life.

I feel sorry for OP's child. A jealous, angry but most of all , bitter mother and a mostly absent father.

@Maiasaur

You've been gaslit, blackmailed and conned by a selfish, manipulative prick I honestly believe that when I got pregnant four years ago he truly believed that he was going to take half of the parental responsibility. We couldn’t have anticipated everything that’s happened. But the fact is, he’s selfishly grabbed these promotions with both hands and has given zero consideration to the impact on me. He’s massively overstepped what a 50% parent is capable of and he’s not willing to step back, he just expects me to sacrifice everything to facilitate him.

You can keep stamping your feet and blaming everything on your husband and have a miserable life or you can make changes. I feel sorry for your child growing up in such a toxic environment. For everyone's sake, divorce and move on.

This is like poison to read. Dripping with resentment and jealousy from you, entitlement and detachment from him. So much spite. I think you should both get therapy to pick this apart- it’s enormous. Way beyond mumsnet.

You've answered your own question, you need to divorce him and share custody 50/50. Honestly, he sounds abusive, I wouldn't put your career on hold any longer OP because you need to get your ducks in a row so you're financially ready for living without him. It sounds like he'll put all the obstacles possible in your way as what he's doing is financial abuse and control, but you need to at least get some work and childcare sorted so that you can leave him. Good luck.

I wouldn’t normally advise this, but it really doesn’t sound like you are cut out for motherhood either, but maybe divorce, put your kid up for adoption and move on with your life. If he REALLY wants to he can take on the role of resident parent, but I rather suspect he won’t.

I actually don't think that's the worst suggestion ever. The reality is when you have a child is that life does change, and they cannot advocate for themselves or change their circumstances; they should not necessarily be a priority over absolutely everything else, but they do need to be considered, and this environment seems absolutely toxic. Poor child.

Wow OP there’s loads going on.

Your resentment comes from the fact that you did NOT want this baby. He did. And he’s left you holding it and the consequences. It’s not the same as a couple deciding to have a baby.

Even so there’s nothing wrong with using childcare. You still have options. Make H pay for cleaners, meal planning , all of it. Don’t do any of the drudgery.

@Maiasaur

Can I ask why you think life will be easier without him? Because surely being a single mum will be even harder Because he’s a twat and I won’t have to cook his meals or do his laundry or even look at his stupid face. And I might meet someone else who respects me.

I’ve said it up thread but honestly peope who think sticking in a shitty marriage is easier are wrong in my view. It’s WAY easier to be a single mother when you hate the other person this much. Actually it’s lovely being in charge of your own life and time around work and childcare and not having to deal with the presence physically and emotionally of someone who drains you, doesn’t respect you and actively makes your life harder. It might be a tough life but you are not trapped into choices on a daily basis the other person has forced you into (and pretending it’s worth it and you didn’t settle for being a 50s housewife because being a single mum is sooooooo tough. It really isn’t).

OP - do you have any family or friend support? Could you move to be closer to your family? Your DH sounds v unreasonable and unpleasant. Focus your energy on yours and your child’s future - it’s a waste to expend energy being angry at DH. I mean I think you’re a bit extreme in valuing achievement etc, but you are not unreasonable to be upset at your situation.

Start by looking on jobs boards. Look at what is available and what skills you would need to obtain. More jobs are becoming wfh - so there might be some opportunity here. Best of luck. Try not to be bitter but to look forward to building the best future for you and your child.

NRFT - just p1, but sorry I have to say I agree with @Bagelsandbrie

Despite your husband sounding a bit rude/uncaring: risking a higher paying & longer term job for one that can get rid of you doesn’t make sense.

Do you REALLY want to be a lone parent, and lose all you have worked for?

Give him a taste of having to look after the kids (I’d book a few days away for example), but if you start earning earmark your salary for your savings, childcare, & ‘convenience’ (cleaner, food deliveries etc)

One thing is : job market is so hot now, get a job, & pay out on emergency childcare. Ringfence your earnings til you’ve been 2 years in post & have some security

Also, if you are still in 30s change jobs every 3 years for around 15-20 pc pay rises: you can catch up on 4 years like that

@Nighttimenope

This is like poison to read. Dripping with resentment and jealousy from you, entitlement and detachment from him. So much spite. I think you should both get therapy to pick this apart- it’s enormous. Way beyond mumsnet.

This..

The thread is not going to help either of you, and especially not the child

My husband is a high earner (earns 60% more than me) he still does more than his fair share, he does all the house work and a lot of the children stuff. We’re a team. Your husband doesn’t sound like a team player.

@Maiasaur

You say that what will make you happy is being a high achiever, there is no mention of your child making you happy which is sad I love my child but motherhood isn’t something I regard as an achievement, any idiot can pop out a baby.

No they can't, and this is an awful thing to say.

This relationship has been dead for a long time OP, just leave him and start divorce proceedings.

His attitude is terrible, l but dh said similar in that he’s by far the higher earner, than me so I’m the one who took on most of the childcare responsibilities (DCs are older now). He probably did/does about a quarter of what I do, although he has stepped up over the years depending on what is going on workwise for both of us. He was made redundant for a bit so really helped then. I’ve had jobs where it’s harder to take time off so he’s attended appointments etc.
Unfortunately my career etc is crap, but I chose to have children and I knew it wouldn’t recover.

he’s selfishly grabbed these promotions with both hands and has given me zero consideration to the impact on me

To some women, he would be classed as a good provider who earns enough so that Mum can stay at home with the children. Its not all bad news.

OP, be careful what you wish for.

@Lockheart yes they can. Having a baby isn’t an achievement. Unless you have fertility issues etc.
And OP got pregnant by accident, plus didn’t want the baby.

The sooner we stop pretending children are always a joy etc and acknowledge how much hard work they are the better

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Lockheart yes they can. Having a baby isn’t an achievement. Unless you have fertility issues etc.
And OP got pregnant by accident, plus didn’t want the baby.

The sooner we stop pretending children are always a joy etc and acknowledge how much hard work they are the better[/quote]
It is an awful thing to say considering many of the responders on this thread may have fertility issues.

The fact the OP is angry and hurting is no excuse to say such things.

Completely agree he needs to step up and take responsibility.
In this case I'd honestly be leaving. It is sometimes hard enough with two parents doing their fair share. You are effectively a single parent but with the 'benefit' of his wage. You sound driven and ambitious. Please get out and live the life YOU want.

But please please stop calling nannies 'Randoms' nannies are often highly qualified individuals with a lot of experience, often ofsted registered etc. Nurseries (even great ones) find it incredibly hard to find (and keep) good staff because often, the pay is not great so the more experienced and qualified ones often look for something better paid ie a nanny job.

Having a baby arguably might not be, but being a loving, nurturing, attentive parent (whatever form that takes, whether you work as well or stay at home) is an achievement.

Hello OP.

Regardless of whether you're working or not, send your child to nursery/childminder. Have some time for yourself and try to retrain so that you can get a job ASAP/once your child is at school. Hopefully it will be something that provides more flexibility whilst your child is still young. Maybe post separately for careers advice. MN brainstorming for you will be better than asking your husband.

Divorce and leave your husband on your terms. As others have said your husband is not going to do 50/50, and you may be single parenting. It will be hard, but will be considerably better than your current situation. Just do what you need to do as you're going to get the bulk of the childcare whatever you decide.

I split with my feckless and unreliable ex 3 years ago when my child was 2: I moved 3 hours away so that I was closer to family support. Difference was that I was the main earner and we also had £12k debt at the time we split. He wanted to block the move, called the child services team and spat out a lot of hot air claiming he would take me to court. Unsurprisingly it never came to anything. He paid maintenance inconsistently until the beginning of 2020, when he's completely stopped (covid). He reneged of the agreement to pay 50% of the debt, which I've just paid off in full.

Sometimes I regret the move - not for my child but for myself as I don't have friends/any real social life here. My child is very settled and happy. They see their dad in holidays and sometimes he visits during term time. I don't think it would have made that much of a difference had I stayed in the same city as we would have been on other sides and ex is very flaky. EG I've been back for the weekend and dropped our child with him on the Friday. He's asked me to look after them for most of the Saturday and then wanted to hand them back earlier than agreed on the Sunday. He's also cancelled some visits as he's had other "things" that have cropped up. He lives with a partner and I think she does most of the childcare, activities and helps with the homework my child has to do when they're staying there.

My child is 5 and very astute. They love their dad, but the scales are starting to fall from from their eyes when it comes to ex's reliability etc. When he doesn't answer calls or bother to return them at all over several days, not following through on what he has committed to doing etc.

It’s WAY easier to be a single mother when you hate the other person this much. Actually it’s lovely being in charge of your own life and time around work and childcare and not having to deal with the presence physically and emotionally of someone who drains you, doesn’t respect you and actively makes your life harder.

It’s not in the least “lovely” being a single parent. It’s exhausting, emotionally draining and, in most cases, financially challenging. Don’t try to kid OP her husband’s going to settle for 50% custody because he won’t. She’ll get EOW if she’s lucky. She’ll be exactly where she is now with less money and a much lower standard of living.

@Lockheart some people having fertility doesn’t make it untrue. Unless you really want them children aren’t a joy.

And in the OP’s case she even wanted to abort the baby.

*fertility issues