Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@Maiasaur

As for your husband, I wonder if such a meteoric increase in salary and responsibility in such a short time has completely gone to his head. He’s gone from agreeing to be a full co-parent, to this new position of being ‘too important’ for shared responsibilities That’s fairly accurate. And I’m angry because he’s moved the goalposts. He thinks I should give up my career to facilitate his meteoric rise. I think he should ask to be demoted to a level that’s compatible with his responsibilities as a co-parent. I realise several things have happened that aren’t his fault, like my pregnancy related health issues and the pandemic. But there are other things that ARE his fault, mostly his refusal to stick to the conditions that were agreed upon when I consented to give birth instead of having an abortion.

How do you really expect him to share looking after the child/children?
Well to start with I think he should have refused the most recent promotion because it’s not compatible with his responsibilities outside of work. We don’t need that extra money.

The OP seems incredibly naive about the sacrifices necessary to have a child
I’ve never had one before so I wouldn’t know. But I’ve seen other women working when they have kids and sharing the responsibility with their partner. I’ve seen mums out and about enjoying nights out and hen weekends or whatever. And I’ve read all the articles about how X celeb has bounced back from birth within a fortnight and has a flat stomach. I honestly didn’t expect my body to be fucked up because that’s not the public narrative is it. And I didn’t expect my career to be fucked either. Didn’t expect my employer to give me the boot. I suppose the role models that are being presented are the lucky women not the typical women. Wish I’d realised that earlier.

If it wasn’t for lots of time on MN I wouldn’t be wise to all this either

The trouble is that your plan was flawed from the start as it didn't allow for any unknowns. Life happens. When you both agreed to have a child with no outside help and to share exactly 50/50 of sick days and whatnot you didn't know you were going to be off work ill, or that a global pandemic was around the corner or that your husband's salary was about to dramatically increase in a relatively short space of time. All of the above changes things but you've both refused to adapt so it's become a horrible hostile battle of wills that I can't imagine ending in any other way than you both detesting each other. In fact it sounds like you're there already.

If you divorce you will inevitably have to use outside help anyway so why not just accept that things didn't go to plan, make use of your husband's new salary and hire enough help to allow you to return to work? The way things currently are, you are stamping your foot that your original plan didn't come to fruition which it now can't, your circumstances have changed. And your husband is happy for you to stay at home as financially you now can, while totally missing the point that you need what working offers you, beyond the money.

Also agree with pp that some sort of counselling might be needed. I think you and your husband dislike each other far too much to be able to effectively communicate and reach a workable solution without some sort of mediator present.

This whole thread speaks to where I was some years ago - different scenario but same feelings of being trapped in my career aspirations and under a heavy domestic burden.

Some of the things that have help me move past that time are:

a) Realising that resentment is a totally unproductive feeling that we have complete power to reject. I don't do resentment anymore and I can't tell you how massively, massively freeing that choice is. A bit of jealousy and anger I allow through as it's hard not to, but resentment can get lost. You are totally in control of how you think and respond to things, however crap the circumstances are. Choose ways which don't sap your energy and hope.

b) Realising that the idea that women (or indeed anyone) can have it all is bollocks, and that our education system has a lot to answer for for continuing to peddle the idea that success in life is only achieved through having a successful career. Life is a much wider experience than that and there are as many paths to travel as there are people to travel them. But it is very scary to think outside this box, particularly if you are used to valuing your self-worth in these terms. Personally I find it helpful to think about people I know who I genuinely admire and think what it is about them that I find admirable. Rarely is it how much money they have or how high up the career ladder they have climbed.

As they say comparison is the thief of joy and life is a marathon not a sprint. Raising young children is exhausting already without the current chaos but know that "this too shall pass". Short term you need to preserve your emotional state so you can make sensible choices for now and be ready to spring back into action career-wise when the situation allows, if that's what you choose to do.

It sounds like you're still stuck on the plan you made pre baby. That plan didn't account for covid, his 2 promotions, you losing your job, and tbh it was unrealistic to start with - very few families can work full time without the help of 'randoms' as you put it.

That's not to say your DH is pulling his weight, he isn't, and if he's so good at his job he can move to a company that is more realistic about childcare - the 4 directors at my work ALL take time off for family and childcare, it's a perk of being so senior!

If he won't do his bit, and you won't use all childcare options available then you aren't going to move forward.

@SpinsForGin

If I've read correctly he wants to pay the OP to be the nanny and cleaner because he's too important to do any childcare or housework himself.

OP made it clear the people he works for will get rid of him if he takes off the way she expects. His management don't live in the same financial reality, view childcare as women’s work and are happy to pay strangers to care for their families when needed. He can’t just change what he’s doing, he has to find a different job if he’s going to be a real father to his child and a good husband.

But he nearly tripled his salary in 2 years. He is a frog in a pot and OP could not work at the time so it is likely he had no choice but to accept the money, the promotion and the added pressure.

OP seems to expect him to just do what she wants and suffer the financial consequences so that she can go back and begin again at £22 and build up her career more for her own ego than for what the family needs. She is not offering practical solutions, either. So he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Neither is behaving as a partner to the other.

I get it a bit. My body was destroyed by childbirth, I will never look the same. I gave up my job and became a sahp, until the kids are in school.

I could be bitter about it, but I decided to get on with it It is what it is. Once they are older and in school I can look to get back into work again. Of course it won't be what it is was, I will need the flexible role that works round school holiday and kids getting chicken pox and what not.

The OP seems incredibly naive about the sacrifices necessary to have a child
I’ve never had one before so I wouldn’t know. But I’ve seen other women working when they have kids and sharing the responsibility with their partner. I’ve seen mums out and about enjoying nights out and hen weekends or whatever. And I’ve read all the articles about how X celeb has bounced back from birth within a fortnight and has a flat stomach. I honestly didn’t expect my body to be fucked up because that’s not the public narrative is it. And I didn’t expect my career to be fucked either. Didn’t expect my employer to give me the boot. I suppose the role models that are being presented are the lucky women not the typical women. Wish I’d realised that earlier

But these things aren't your husband's fault!

The idea that he could just refuse the promotion is foolish. You can’t really refuse promotions working at a place like that. It will be the first step to them pushing you out the door.

Be a single working mother. It’s honestly much easier to just get a part time job to keep your hand in until your child is a bit older, train, build skills and then later on you do more hours. Let him have his career if that’s all that matters to him and make sure you get as much as you can for maintenance etc. Sounds cold but this marriage is dead and it’s much easier to go it alone than live with someone you hate who expects you to do everything - much less daily resentment. Hey you never know you could meet someone new who is a supportive partner in life over time.

It is possible, i’ve done it and loads of people i know have also done it. And for me it’s been done with NO support practice or financial. Took a while but I have a happy teen I spent more time with in the early years and now a career that’s taking off and a good 25 working years ahead of me to really give it my all work wise. Play the longer game here - the heavy duty parenting seems endless now but it does not last forever.

when I consented to give birth instead of having an abortion.

Do you think you'd benefit from some counselling to come to terms with things? Can absolutely see why you feel resentful of him and that he should be doing his share; but the way you refer to your child and things like the above suggest perhaps you might benefit from it for your own sake?

I was in a similar situation OP, had to give up work because of childcare, and DH's job paid more and was our main source of income.
I took over all childcare, and the bulk of grocery shopping and cooking. He did what he could during evenings and weekends.
The thing is, we saw it as our household needing tasks done (income, childcare etc) and it just wasn't possible for both of us to do these things 50:50 each of us, so it made sense to divide them between us - DH 100% income-earning, me 100% childcare etc. We saw it as team-work, allowing our household and family to function as best it could. And it wasn't forever, we only have 1 DC so once pre-school started I could work part-time, then school (with breakfast club and after-school club added on) meant I could go back to work full-time.

To me the problem in your case is your attitudes towards each other and the whole situation. His attitude towards you in particular - he seems very cold and uncaring, lacking empathy about your unhappiness, and perhaps not treating you like an equal partner. And you perhaps aren't appreciating his efforts at being sole breadwinner, which can be stressful, and aren't seeing this division of labour as a necessary, and temporary, thing. Just random thoughts from a stranger on the internet based on your messages. Perhaps counselling would help you discuss things more honestly and hopefully either get back on track with each other, or realise that perhaps the relationship has run its course. Good luck OP.

I too feel sorry for the DC in this as it seems the DH isn't the only point of resentment

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children?
I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

Who will pay the bills if he regularly goes missing from work and he gets sacked?

Well it won't be her will it? Since he's not doing anything to help her get back out to work.

I got this too. Pre-kids - oh, we'll do it together. Post kids - oh my job's too important.... I'm so stressed, all the earning is on me, be nice to me, let me have my weekends, I couldn't possibly do a 30mins delayed start so I can do drop offs, whilst you offer to get up at 5 so you can get everything done for the kids, and get to work early enough to be able to leave early and pick them up from childcare... Fucker.

And it is honestly easier without him. Sure, I can't leave the house in the evening without paying for a babysitter, and well, it's going to be fairly sex-free for the foreseeable, but frankly, I don't need someone whinging like that and not doing anything to help me to change it.

it made sense to divide them between us - DH 100% income-earning, me 100% childcare
That’s great and I’d happily be on 100% income-earning duty, but I don’t want to be on 100% childcare duty.

I suppose the role models that are being presented are the lucky women not the typical women.

What you still fail to realise is that you are one of the lucky ones, whether your DH "steps up" to the mark or not.

You have a healthy child and salvagable career.

If you think noone tells you the reality of motherhood, I can promise you noone tells you the reality of motherhood post divorce. Or for that matter post divorce with a disabled child. Some of us make that look good too.

There are things you can change in life and things you cant. The way to happiness is absolutely not ranting against the things you cant change, its changing what you can.

Yes you have been incredibly naive. But wise up now.

He has the kind of job that isn’t compatible with being a parent, so parenting falls to you and that has impacted your career and made you resentful. However I can’t see how you will be better off as a single parent. He won’t have 50% custody. It will be every other weekend or less until he finds a new partner. So you will still have to juggle your career and childcare by yourself.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

That’s what this is about

Op I think this thread is a distraction. I know you started it about your husbands job, but that’s not what’s making you angry, not really.

I think you’ll get better advice talking about this, rather than the job stuff

All the best

OP made it clear the people he works for will get rid of him if he takes off the way she expects
Exactly. So he needs to get a different job that’s more flexible so that I can work too. But he refuses to.

[quote NataliaSerene]@SpinsForGin

If I've read correctly he wants to pay the OP to be the nanny and cleaner because he's too important to do any childcare or housework himself.

OP made it clear the people he works for will get rid of him if he takes off the way she expects. His management don't live in the same financial reality, view childcare as women’s work and are happy to pay strangers to care for their families when needed. He can’t just change what he’s doing, he has to find a different job if he’s going to be a real father to his child and a good husband.

But he nearly tripled his salary in 2 years. He is a frog in a pot and OP could not work at the time so it is likely he had no choice but to accept the money, the promotion and the added pressure.

OP seems to expect him to just do what she wants and suffer the financial consequences so that she can go back and begin again at £22 and build up her career more for her own ego than for what the family needs. She is not offering practical solutions, either. So he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Neither is behaving as a partner to the other.[/quote]
I don't care how important you think you are or how much you earn.... that doesn't mean you get a free pass to not act like a parent.
If the OPs DH can't do this because his work doesn't allow any flexibility then he needs to look for another job or run the risk of losing his marriage.

The Op does also need to consider a compromise and to use childcare as that is the norm if both parents work.

I have a DH that earns double my salary and has an employer that isn't great and have a tendency to schedule meetings early and late but at no point has that ever meant he can opt out of being a parent

So you call your DC “the baby I wanted to abort?” Jeez

You really need to split up for the sake of your children - it will be awful for them growing up with this awful dynamic around them - him treating you like a servant and being completely unemotionally availably and unsupporter and you (quite justifiably).
In the meantime you should definitely definitely get good quality childcare for your DC that enables you to work and enables you to go out at least once a week in the evening or on weekends to pursue your own interests and get good adult company. Nurseries/childminders/babysitters are not "randoms", there are plenty of qualified referenced brilliant childcarers out there who can provide excellent stable care. Yes you will need to take days off for sickness etc but it is mandated under law that you can have 14 days off per year per child for stuff like that which isn't deducted from your sick leave or pay. For school holidays there are plenty of brilliant holiday clubs which again are not a sad alternative for neglected children but are places where the children will have a much better time than they would at home with parents!
That said, definitely get a divorce. You will get financial compensation for your loss of career and pension and you'll be able to take back control of your life. And more importantly, your kids can grow up in a happy home rather than a patriarchal toxic one. You will be eligible for universal credit if your income isn't enough to meet your outgoings.
Good luck OP, I completely understand why you are furious. The system is completely screwed.

sorry, that first sentence should have said 'him treating you like a servant and being completely unemotionally availably and unsupportive and you (quite justifiably) hating him.'

@Maiasaur

It needs to shared regardless of who earns more!! I agree. He doesn’t.

Maiasaur i notice you dont respond to anyone saying get paid help in. You are fixated with him taking time off.
It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare.

Im not sure why there needs to he a catch up of salaries
It’s not about salaries. I want an equal right to be out of the house talking to adults, achieving things and having success. He’s the one saying that he won’t do his share to facilitate that unless I match his salary.

My life is very much like this.

My partner doesn't say this shit to me, but he behaves line with your DH.,

I think this is the way it goes for most women. You have to reshape things for yourself. You love your children in ways that your DH really doesn't, and that is his loss. You would not have them with your drinking MIL and her yucky men, or in the care of strangers who are only there because they are being paid (not all childcare is like this, of course), so you will need to make it work for your and your children.

So, you are angry with him, yes, but it means you are also centering NO more of that madam!! Think through how you can increase your income. Do research. Be very thorough. It might mean retraining, and so childcare while that happens, or starting your own business. Hell, it might mean investing in the stock market. Whatever it is, get your earning up to a target where you feel at leats equal to him. Then if you make your move to leave or you stay, you do so with confidence and self-esteem.

Stop thinking about him like this because you can't change him. he thinks £70k is the be all and end all of his life, which is incredibly sad. Pick y our self up, shake yourself off and find your own way to £70k and beyond.

It can be done, trust me.

So much of a bigger picture and the anger behind it.