Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

You've got a small child who you love and a grown up one that you don't.

I would caution that not all men accept 50% of responsibility for the children and a depressingly large number just walk away, leaving the mother to pick up the pieces.

Divorce isn't a guarantee he'll do his share.

One of my friends got a divorce however, and her horrible ex put forward 50% shared custody thinking it would be a good way to punish her and - her having done all the childcare to that point - thinking she'd never go for it because she loved being with the kids so much. She accepted and now has a flourishing career - it gave her the time and space to start her own business. However, the children are older and more able to look after themselves to compensate when their Dad doesn't bother doing adequate parenting (which is frequently from the sounds of it).

[quote KeepPortlandWeird]@SpinsForGin

I only personally know two career women. Not as many as most of you going on the replies. Both their children are now young teens running around playing at being little gangsters.

I don’t know any lone parent fathers to balance it out.[/quote]
So from your sample size of 2 you came to this scientific conclusion?
How many non career mothers have perfectly behaved children?

I can see the point about preserving the job which brings in the most money.

@ancientgran must be your village demographic.
I’m referring to a town centre school in my experience.

When we lived in a village for the infant school years, I still don’t recall seeing any dads though.

Of course, unlike most of MN, we don’t live in or anywhere near London though

You both sound like you’ve lost any sense of partnership. He is dedicated to a high paying job working for awful people and you say you only care about your own achievements and are constant comparing your career to his, your body to his, etc. You go to bed late to avoid him. He stays at work late and avoids you.

I think your own attitude is also a large part of the problem. If you truly don’t care about his needs and achievements, and he doesn’t care about yours, nothing will ever get better. How you got to this point may be reasonable but that’s kind of irrelevant. If there is no give from either side your marriage cannot survive.

I think he should find a different career, because working for these people is no life. But I doubt with the level of pressure he’s under he can see his way past this.

You’ll feel better if you stop comparing yourself to him and stop blaming him for the joint decision to have a child, the illness and covid. Whether you leave him or not, that attitude, that someone else is to blame for things you jointly chose, or for things none of us could control, will destroy you.

Women I know who have maintained (great) careers have supportive grandparents, a flexible (!) Dh, eg an architect or something, and/or have paid £££££ for childcare.

Yes, ££££ for childcare was the option. And the reason we only have one child. We were paying as much for childcare as we were for our mortgage. But it's not forever.

@1forAll74

You have had a fair amount of bad luck over the times, but you have a Husband who works, and provides.. You complain about "the burden of children" which is a horrible thing to say. Why can't you be happy, instead of complaining about your Husband, and all and sundry.

Yeah, why can't she just be happy stuck at home while her wifework enables her twatty husband's career to soar?

OP - reading all your posts by filtering, it seems pretty clear that your husband has felt he had to come down on a side: either on your side (defending you against attacks from the rich blokes he works with, standing up for his own paternity rights) or the side of the rich blokes with the SAHWs. It's pretty clear what side he's chosen. He doesn't want you to go back to work. He has decided your role is to stay at home and be happy.

Have you ever seen the film Stepford Wives? Like that.

This is a very difficult dilemma.
I don't think it can be resolved without childcare of some sort. You're both going to have to accept that if you have a child and you both want to work full time with no family close by to help.

In terms of sickness, you will have to lay it down to him. If the child is ill and off for 2 days, tell him you're taking Day 1 as holiday and he can take Day 2. And let him deal with it. Explain in advance that this is how it's going to be.

My situation is nowhere near yours but my husband earns double what I do (and I'm a very decent earner myself), yet all child related logisictics (wife work/mum work) fall to me. I'm ok with it and we have both chosen to prioritise his job over mine, so a different story. That said, it doesn't mean that it isn't difficult, it's like having the stress of two jobs really.

Anyway I wish you luck. If you do want to stay in your marriage (and let's face it, divorce isn't an easy option and I doubt you'll be better off financially although not a reason not to get divorced if that's actually what you want), it is worth seeing a councillor and getting some therapy.

Read back everything you written here, OP.

He doesn't give a shit about you.
He doesn't give a shit about his child.
He only cares about himself and how he appears to the men at work.

I'd get a SHL and look to be leaving him and taking everything you can when you do.

Ok basically he offered to get a nanny and a cleaner but thats not good enough for you you want him to risk his job that pays all the bills give your head a wobble, take uo his offer of the nanny and cleaner get yourself a job does not matter that it would cancel your wage out make him pay for it well 70% at least then you don't have childcare issues anymore

[quote Gerwurtztraminer]**@KeepPortlandWeird* I don’t know many career women, the ones I do, their kids have suffered from parental neglect because mum is never around, or both parents have such high earning jobs they can afford a full time nanny*

Well first of all the 'child is neglected thanks to working mum' is just misogynistic rubbish.

As for you don't know any 'career women'. I know loads of successful working mothers who have managed careers without nannies or au pairs or parental help. Yes it took some negotiation with employers about hours at times (both parents, not just the woman) and some paid childcare/nursery/after school clubs but the main thing that worked was both parents acting as a team. If one parent won't make the effort, that's what makes it impossible.

I have a very senior colleague who has negotiated 80% hours for the first year after her return from maternity leave. So has her husband, also in a demanding senior job. The other 3 days nursery drop offs & /pick ups are shared depending on what they each have on at work. So far it seems they fairly evenly take turns in time off if child is ill. Both can WFH so I agree that makes it easier. Sometimes when really busy they have to work on weekend and so take turns so child is cared for. I'm sure the working pattern will change as child gets older but it can and does work if both parents try hard enough.[/quote]
Wrong. It’s not about ‘parents trying hard’. It’s about them being in industries and companies where employers value things like this. And in more senior jobs you can be more flexible.
It does take planning though - and deliberately choosing companies with a good culture. Big corporates are generally more flexible for example.

OP’s DH workplace was so twatty even before she gave birth. How she imagined they’d give him the leeway to do pickups/drop-offs I have no idea.

@userg5647

He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps.

I earn double what my DH does, in a stressful high responsibility job, and yet magically, somehow, I still manage to do half the childcare. Having a "Very Important" job doesn't mean you slack off at home, if anything, I have far more flexibility than when I was a minimum wage earner as I own my diary now and can easily dictate when I need to prioritise home. So this whole "he's too important to sink to house help" is utter bullshit, condoning it is exasperating the problem for women.

This. 100%

[quote KeepPortlandWeird]@SpinsForGin

I only personally know two career women. Not as many as most of you going on the replies. Both their children are now young teens running around playing at being little gangsters.

I don’t know any lone parent fathers to balance it out.[/quote]
Why do you use the term Career women. Do you refer to men who work as career men?

So you know two women who've had children and also work and they also happen to have badly behaved children. That's unfortunate......
are you actually blaming their behaviour on the fact their mum works??

The vast, vast majority of parents I know work and our children are all well behaved.

@Coffeepot72

I can see the point about preserving the job which brings in the most money.

I do as well but also he needs to GTF away from this toxic job with golden handcuffs.

I get the sense that OP would not be as miserable if he were still only making £28 even if he couldn’t take time off for childcare, because part of the problem is resentment from seeing someone else move up in their career while she has not had the opportunity.

They’ve given him golden handcuff.

I feel sorry for the kid in the middle of all this

@Dddccc

Ok basically he offered to get a nanny and a cleaner but thats not good enough for you you want him to risk his job that pays all the bills give your head a wobble, take uo his offer of the nanny and cleaner get yourself a job does not matter that it would cancel your wage out make him pay for it well 70% at least then you don't have childcare issues anymore

If I've read correctly he wants to pay the OP to be the nanny and cleaner because he's too important to do any childcare or housework himself.

All this time pdf and isolation for covid

Bit not once so you say whether you or children actually for covid

It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms. I didn’t sign up for that. We were supposed to share the childcare
Honestly you need to choose, either stay at he to look after your DC or get a nanny and go back to your career.
I understand it is frustrating that your DH changed his mind but as he is willing to pay for childcare you can’t really force him to take time off instead.

As for your husband, I wonder if such a meteoric increase in salary and responsibility in such a short time has completely gone to his head. He’s gone from agreeing to be a full co-parent, to this new position of being ‘too important’ for shared responsibilities
That’s fairly accurate. And I’m angry because he’s moved the goalposts. He thinks I should give up my career to facilitate his meteoric rise. I think he should ask to be demoted to a level that’s compatible with his responsibilities as a co-parent. I realise several things have happened that aren’t his fault, like my pregnancy related health issues and the pandemic. But there are other things that ARE his fault, mostly his refusal to stick to the conditions that were agreed upon when I consented to give birth instead of having an abortion.

How do you really expect him to share looking after the child/children?
Well to start with I think he should have refused the most recent promotion because it’s not compatible with his responsibilities outside of work. We don’t need that extra money.

The OP seems incredibly naive about the sacrifices necessary to have a child
I’ve never had one before so I wouldn’t know. But I’ve seen other women working when they have kids and sharing the responsibility with their partner. I’ve seen mums out and about enjoying nights out and hen weekends or whatever. And I’ve read all the articles about how X celeb has bounced back from birth within a fortnight and has a flat stomach. I honestly didn’t expect my body to be fucked up because that’s not the public narrative is it. And I didn’t expect my career to be fucked either. Didn’t expect my employer to give me the boot. I suppose the role models that are being presented are the lucky women not the typical women. Wish I’d realised that earlier.

It was never the plan that our child would be looked after by randoms

I’m out op. What a comment

Ok, from now on assume he has been run over by the proverbial bus and will never be there for you. Essentially, he has checked out of family life and I can't see see your marriage as salvageable. You have lost all respect for him and it sounds like he has demoted you to a skivvy.

1. Find a childminder you trust and a back up babysitter. This will be essential during the school years for this like inset days. Look ahead and think about schools with wraparound care as well.

2. Take a long, hard look at your old career. Covid has changed a lot of things, including remote work and flexitime. Even if you cannot go back at the same level, you might be able to go sideways, find an overseas employer (USA timezones, for example, suit afternoon/evening work) or just build experience through short term contract work. Take advantage of DH's salary stability to build your experience. I went back to part time, freelance work after my DC's and now earn more as a consultant than DH. Given how highly qualified you are, there will be a way to reuse your education. 30k, by the way, is not chickenfeed.

3. It's shit, you should not need to do it, but start automating all the wife work. Set up a 4 or 6 week meal plan and online delivery. Hire a cleaner. Set up funky pigeon for family birthday cards (your side only). Use an online calendar for doctor, dentists and school reminders. Find a gardener/ handyman you can call on for small jobs and a garage you trust, for the car.

4. Do you get a regular night off? If not, book one, so you get some regular non-child interaction with adults.

5. Buy a decent vibrator.

I am worried about the impact upon your DC of the bad atmosphere between you and your DH. It sounds as if you really dislike him .

Does your DH actually enjoy his job, or is he putting up with what sound like poor conditions because of the earning capacity ?

I don't think you and your DH should be so fixated about the idea that care for your child is always provided by a parent . If this is preventing you from working then the impact on your DC of living in this atmosphere is going to be worse than if they were cared for by a full time nanny enabling both parents to resume careers and work full time out of the home .

You cannot force your DH to take 50:50 custody in a divorce settlement, but ultimately separating may be the best thing for your DC than growing up in this atmosphere. I don't know what your previous role was, but if it involved any kind of office work then most employers will allow for a certain amount of your time to be working from home .

Honestly He will eventually look elsewhere anyway,
Your marriage is over, he is not getting any sex
You are going to have to accept nanny, creche, child care, options, as one way or another he won't do it & you need to get back to work

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

Does he not know any women who do a similar job to him or a job at a similar level?

I'm beyond curious to know how he thinks they manage? Does he think they do this too?

I bet he knows they don't the snarky selfish twat