Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

He sounds absolutely awful.

OP please don't think divorcing a man like this will be easy-counselling to try and get things back on track would be helpful-if you divorce you will still be in each others lives until the children are around 18, probably much longer....my husband is a workaholic and I've had to embrace being a solo parent (whilst married) its lonely, but girlfriends can make a difference. Voluntary work can keep you busy, magistrates are volunteers so there is serious work you could do. On the plus side if he's got money, join a gym, put child in creche there to give yourself a break. It's not all bad being a SAHM. I know its not for everyone but its also not forever...do you think the marriage is worth saving?

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

Just read this.

So now I also think you would be wise to get some therapy for this. You can refer yourself IAPT, and it's an NHS service.

Motherhood is often not a walk in the park, and it was a complex beginning for you.

He should not have said those things to you. Think very carefully before having any more, get yourself settled in your head first.

Message me directly if you want more info on this.

I feel you, OP. And I think you’re getting a hard time for having the audacity to be angry about a scenario that lots of other women quietly accept - by pretending it’s their choice/preference to be disenfranchised from their career and financial independence.

So I totally support where you’re coming from. You have been really shafted here. But I think you need to let go of that anger, and work with what you’ve got. That means nursery, a nanny agency for emergencies, and force your way back into your old career. (Generally I find that the bigger the organisation, the less they care about sick days/emergency childcare days - especially if you can WFH.) Then, once you’re on your feet, divorce your arsehole of a husband and go after his pension.

You can’t keep living like this, but he’s not going to change - so you will have to.

OP seems to expect him to just do what she wants and suffer the financial consequences so that she can go back and begin again at £22 and build up her career more for her own ego than for what the family needs
Yep. I could earn £22k and he could earn £35k (half of his current salary). After tax we’d be £3k worse off (compared to him earning £70k and me earning nothing). We’d be eligible for child benefit so that would reduce the deficit by £1k. So we’d be £2k worse off overall. The family doesn’t need that extra £2k. But it does need me to be happy and fulfilled by being able to work.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

He sounds like a very unpleasant man.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

I think this here is your real problem with him. It's a deep seated resentment for him making you have a child when you didn't want to. I think you're angry and bitter and feel he should be punished by stepping back in his career now. And I can understand why you feel that way - being bullied into having a child which has since derailed your life must be rage inducing.

BUT you did choose to have this child. And look at it this way, if you were single, no DH, but with a child, do you realistically think your life would be different? Because the stuff that derailed your career isn't to do with him - sickness, lots of time off etc is just bad circumstances no one could control. That is what has cost you your career, not DH and his career options. Because even without him you'd still be in the same boat - i.e a poor sickness/absence record due to your child, that no one could control.

Can I ask why you think life will be easier without him? Because surely being a single mum will be even harder for your career and mental health, and you may then transfer your resentment to your child when DH isn't around.

Saying that, I don't think your marriage can now be saved if i'm honest. But I do think you should talk to someone as clearly the anger is taking over your life, and your child will be able to sense it too. Divorce is probably the best option but it still won't help you feel better that you are far ahead from where you wanted to be.

Does he not know any women who do a similar job to him or a job at a similar level?
There’s a female manager who works beside him. Her husband is an artist so he’s basically a house husband who makes sculptures when the kids are at school. DH has previously said in frustration that it’s just not possible to do this job without the other parent being a SAHP. I said great but I don’t see why I should have to facilitate you - to me that suggests that you can’t do this job because you don’t have a SAHP.

@ToughLuckCharlie

He isn’t a partner in life. I’d have no qualms about divorcing, 50/50 custody and let him find out what it’s like to be a parent without wifey at home picking up all the shit!

The 'problem' with that being you cannot make them have them 50% or suddenly be responsible - let alone a good parent to your child/ren.

Women (on the whole) need to go into divorce with feckless twats, with the knowledge they're like to become lone parents.

It's not 'fair' & it's not right, but for the vast majority it's reality.

It's easier to deal with life as a lone parent, than with a useless partner at least you can drop the daily resentment & horrible treatment & you know where you're at! It's preferable by far, but it's not a 50/50 share At All.

I would apply for jobs in your previous career so at least you earn enough for childcare. You need a job to leave him, and you need to expect he won’t step up much if you do leave him. So make use of being married. Walk out on the weekend and do job applications at a cafe. Pay for a cleaner and some childcare so you can put some time into concentrating on getting a ion. If he objects to the nanny say I can cancel if you pick dc up and cook dinner Tuesday, I’ll be out working on job applications with my phone off.

You don’t like him, he doesn’t respect you, basic conditions for your marriage to last sound like 1. He acknowledges you’re a person too and treats you with respect

1. He acknowledges this isn’t the marriage and parenting you signed up for and you feel tricked and resentful. I don’t see how you can get past this without counseling together tbh.
2. He does some parenting, including boring bits.
3. He gets a new job. Plenty of people earn that and take holidays and drop off children every day and flex for sick dc, dh and I both do this. He needs to be somewhere different.
4. You like him again. Impossible without 1-4 and the counseling I think.

when I consented to give birth instead of having an abortion

This comment suggests that you did not want a baby to start with and only agreed because he would do his fair share and your later update confirms this.

I agree that you need counselling both on your own and with him to sort out your feelings and what you want and also so that your child does not grow up feeling unwanted and knowing that you resent it.

You say that what will make you happy is being a high achiever, there is no mention of your child making you happy which is sad.

He has gone back on the agreement because he thinks that financially there is no need to work, but clearly work is more important to you than having a child, but that child is here now and needs to be dealt with.

Being a single parent is no picnic and I have had to take childcare offers from friends and family to be able to continue with my self employed business in a professional field after my XH left me when DD was young. If you share custody then you won't have any say over what DH does with your child when it is with him so he can leave the child with whoever he wants.

I don't know what the answer is here, but your DH can't treat you like a skivvy either. You need to agree on a plan of how and when you will return to work, and if you can do any retraining in the meantime if you are unable to return to your former role.

You really do need to calm down and take a big step back and a deep breath and realise that your plans changed due to covid and other circumstances and have some couples counselling and then come up with a new plan, both of you together.

If he won't do that and if your career is so important to you that you would rather divorce him, then you need to find yourself a job, and childcare. Talk to a lawyer and see how much equity he is entitled to, it may be less than 50/50 but maybe not if you have 50/50 child time. It won't be easy, but if that is what you intend to do then you need to find out everything in advance.

There was a thread on here the other day about somebody on a high salary getting Universal Credit towards childcare, so look into all options so that you can do what you want and go back to full time work.

I would divorce over this. Dh absolutely stepped up and recognised I needed his equal support in order to achieve my career goals. We’re in the same line of work and there’s still a salary difference of £8k that I do put down to my 3 years doing childcare (was never the plan but a toddler and then twins changed those plans). I started back in my career at the bottom rung but moved up within 2 years and am now above where I was prior to dc - it took 4 years to get here. I was able to do this due to dh. Your dh is very short sighted and I honestly would walk away. Marriage is about supporting each other and he’s not doing that here.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

This is the crux of it isn't it, he sounds disgusting and I don't see how anyone could truly get past this and move on. Work has probably highlighted the issue in black and white, but read back what you have written here. It's too late to reverse having a child, but fuck me it's not too late to move and leave such an unpleasant individual who emotionally blackmailed you into doing something you didn't want to, and is not stepping up to support you.

Can I ask why you think life will be easier without him? Because surely being a single mum will be even harder
Because he’s a twat and I won’t have to cook his meals or do his laundry or even look at his stupid face. And I might meet someone else who respects me.

Definitely divorce. You deserve better.

You say that what will make you happy is being a high achiever, there is no mention of your child making you happy which is sad
I love my child but motherhood isn’t something I regard as an achievement, any idiot can pop out a baby.

@Maiasaur

Can I ask why you think life will be easier without him? Because surely being a single mum will be even harder Because he’s a twat and I won’t have to cook his meals or do his laundry or even look at his stupid face. And I might meet someone else who respects me.

I think that's fair and like I said will be the best option because really, him bullying you into having a child over your career was the unforgivable part. If everything had worked out ok with that, you'd have had it all - career, DH and child. Since it didn't you have realised the marriage is a house of cards, and I don't blame you for not wanting to make his life any easier than it already is.

OP's life will be easier without him because he's a prick. That's all there is to it. She hates him, with good reason.

She actually does have loads of options, which are ultimately irrelevant because what she really wants is revenge. Completely understandable OP, but not very realistic I'm afraid. I feel for you, I would be just as angry in your situation.

I think you need to redirect your energy and rage towards a plan for your future, rather than simmering furiously about a past (and a husband) you can't change. You're going to have to find a way to move on and let it all go.

Look at is this way - once you divorce him and go your separate ways, at least he won't be able to keep pretending he's one of the Big Men with the Big Job and the SAHW anymore.

Yes you will need to take days off for sickness etc but it is mandated under law that you can have 14 days off per year per child for stuff like that which isn't deducted from your sick leave or pay.

Just to advise that this kind of time off is not paid.

it's not too late to move and leave such an unpleasant individual who emotionally blackmailed you into doing something you didn't want to, and is not stepping up to support you
To be fair, we discussed it at length and I was happy with my decision to have a baby and share the responsibility. What I’m not happy with is him moving the goalposts and taking away my career in the process. Not for extra money because we wouldn’t be much worse off with two salaries. It’s just pure selfishness.

The OP's DH has moved the goalposts, though, hasn't he?
OP agreed to have the baby because her DH said they would split the childcare. He could have made this happen, but he didn't, and the OP is left feeling resentful and unfulfilled, and largely abandoned in terms of any kind of support.
OP - how old is your DC? can you bear to just hang on until you get a nursery/pre-school place? Then you'll have a few hours a week to do something for you, whether it's a part-time job, re-training or whatever.
If your DH is prepared to pay you to be a nanny and a cleaner, take it! Build up a fund that is just for you - new business venture eg? deposit on a new place?
Use your anger to move you forward, don't sink into the slough of resentment.
Good luck

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

Oh god OP that's completely horrible of him. For this alone, you should leave him. But do it sensibly, and get everything together for the next year and get a job lined up. Who the hell does he think he is making you his baby-making machine and his servant??! He's horrible coercing you into having a baby, leave him.

@Maiasaur

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children? I got pregnant accidentally. Initially I wanted an abortion because I wanted a career not a baby. But DH said he’d never forgive me if I aborted his child, he’d divorce me and take half of my house, and my half wouldn’t be enough to buy another house, so he would go back to live with his mum in her proper house while I’d end up back in a shitty rented bedsit. And he said he’d tell everyone we knew that he’d left me because I killed his baby. He said we have a nice home, we could keep the baby, we’ll share the childcare equally, we can both keep our jobs. And I fell for it. Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort. Of course I love my child but this isn’t the life I wanted or worked for, I’m so unhappy. And I HATE DH because if it wasn’t for him I’d have had an abortion.

This additional information makes all the other stuff seem like a red herring.

I think most people advising you to get a nanny and some counselling, myself included, will now be advising a divorce and counselling.

Maybe start a new post leading with this? I previously thought you were at least partially misdirecting your anger at things that can't be helped towards him but reading this... no wonder you hate the bastard.

You have my sympathy.
My sit is slightly different as my kids are SN and now teens.
But my (ex!) H felt that his (low paid, manual) job trumped EVERYTHING Still does.
After 15 years at the childcare coalface I got a job with valuable retraining. I would have exceeded his earnings in 3 years, and potentially nearly doubled them in 5. But, he STILL wouldn't do childcare at all. So dont assume that he will do 50:50 childcare (or even 10%). Or pay maintenance for that matter. I have 'lost' 15 years of potential earnings. Plus a pension (even 50% of his will not be much)
It is a hugely unequal world still.

It sounds like you need to see a divorce solicitor so you can get a clear idea of your position if (when?) you divorce him, then start planning accordingly.

I get the need to work. I took 3 years out from my career as a solicitor when I had DS. My mental health was so much better once I went back to work.