Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

I can see where you’re coming from as you feel like you’ve been trapped. But it sounds like it’s by circumstances (ill health, Covid), not by your DH.

Obviously if he has a stable job he’d be a fool to put his family stability at risk for your lower paid one. Especially during Covid. Similarly, if you’re not working you do the bulk of the childcare, cooking, house stuff etc.

If he’s working all hours to provide for his family, I can see why he’s fed up of bearing the brunt of your frustration. You need to be more supportive and realistic.

Is it rescuable? Your relationship?

What could/would he need to do to make you like or respect him again? Is he capable of doing that do you think?

What conversations have you had about this? If your conversation with him started with "I'm considering my long term options regarding our relationship, and need to talk to you about that", what would happen?

@KeepPortlandWeird so you’re saying single parent career women have children that suffer neglect?! Way to drag down single mothers, again.

Also, FWIW I actually know lots of career women, including single parents and none of their children suffer neglect.

What a massive pile of shit

@Caramellatteplease

Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

None of the above it your childs fault. You were both only on a salary of less than 30k when you decided to have a child. Its hardly as if both of you were well established, you were both still in the early stages of your career.

Your DH has been lucky. That is all. But atm he is the only one supporting the family. For the sake of your child that should mean something. He loses his job your DC will suffer.

You need to put your anger and jealousy aside because the way you talk and disregard your child is frankly horrible.

Yes you have been unfortunate. But actually you are in a position to start rebuilding the pieces. Do what you need to put your career back on track if that's what you want.

Start changing the narrative for your childs sake.

This.

Get over your aversion to using 'randoms' (horrible - they're paid professionals) for childcare and get back into the workplace.

Your life isn't ruined. But it is different. It isn't the child's (that you chose to have) fault. Put them first.

I don’t know many career women, the ones I do, their kids have suffered from parental neglect because mum is never around

Complete and utter bullshit. Funny how nobody uses the words 'career men' or accuses men of parental neglect

@KeepPortlandWeird I don’t know many career women, the ones I do, their kids have suffered from parental neglect because mum is never around, or both parents have such high earning jobs they can afford a full time nanny

Well first of all the 'child is neglected thanks to working mum' is just misogynistic rubbish.

As for you don't know any 'career women'. I know loads of successful working mothers who have managed careers without nannies or au pairs or parental help. Yes it took some negotiation with employers about hours at times (both parents, not just the woman) and some paid childcare/nursery/after school clubs but the main thing that worked was both parents acting as a team. If one parent won't make the effort, that's what makes it impossible.

I have a very senior colleague who has negotiated 80% hours for the first year after her return from maternity leave. So has her husband, also in a demanding senior job. The other 3 days nursery drop offs & /pick ups are shared depending on what they each have on at work. So far it seems they fairly evenly take turns in time off if child is ill. Both can WFH so I agree that makes it easier. Sometimes when really busy they have to work on weekend and so take turns so child is cared for. I'm sure the working pattern will change as child gets older but it can and does work if both parents try hard enough.

Regarding claiming a state pension, if you claim child benefit you get a pension credit. If your DH is a high earner you can still get the credit even if you don’t get a payment. www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/child-benefit/

For goodness sake the OP’s comment re randoms was relating to the hotch potch of ‘ransoms’ her husband would leave DC with if he had to look after them during the weekend.

Which is completely fair enough.

They can’t afford a nanny. £110k pre tax isn’t enough.

OP I’d be livid too. You need t get yourself a job and find childcare. Then you need to decide if you want to leave.

Based on what you’ve said - I would.

I'm wondering if the COVID thing is a bit of a red herring and you would have ended up here anyway...
My story is pretty common. Met partner at work in similar job, very supportive of my work and shared all household tasks, even did more than his share when I was studying for further qualifications.
Then I got pregnant and had baby, was like a switch flipped , and he went back to the 1950s, all child and household duties became mine, like his mother's. He did less than he did around the house before the baby even though there was so much more to do. I went back to work part time but all he still consider s all house , food and child related work to be mine as I work less paid hours .
It's become apparent to me that he simply believe s these things are beneath him, it's not the situation you see where the partner working outside the home values and appreciate s the sah ones work for the family .

OP - I'm sorry but what you want, a supportive husband who cares about your happiness, isn't going to happen.

So time for a new plan. You need to put your anger with him to one side and sort your career out. Once you do that, proper child care is next. DD was in nursery and loved it, and it was very good for her.

Once that's done, then you can decide on your marriage future. Get yourself sorted first. Don't expect his agreement, just do what works for you and don't spend any more energy being angry. Its not helping you. I get it, I really do, but energy into yourself, not wasting energy on him.

@KeepPortlandWeirdn

Here’s how I do it: I work four days a week. I drop off at school. DH is self-employed and fits his hours around school pick up. That does mean that he has to work sometimes in the evenings and weekends. Prior to him being self-employed, we used after school care.

If they are sick, we share the time off between us. We use holiday schemes in the school holidays as time off together as a family is important to us and we don’t want to use all of my paid holiday covering childcare. We view parenting as an equal responsibility.

@SpinsForGin

I only personally know two career women. Not as many as most of you going on the replies. Both their children are now young teens running around playing at being little gangsters.

I don’t know any lone parent fathers to balance it out.

@Maiasaur

are you jealous a bit, it is ok to be jealous Totally. I worked bloody hard right through school and university (almost 20 years) and got into £££ of student debt. I did unpaid internships. I succeeded in getting a good job and I worked hard, late nights and weekends and everything. Then DH and I jointly had a baby. And suddenly my health is ruined, my job is gone, I’m responsible for all childcare so I can’t go back to work, and there’s no end in sight because he won’t step up and do his half. So it looks like my life is permanently ruined. Meanwhile DH still has his original body and his original job, he’s earning a fortune and getting patted on the back, and I’m expected to stand in the background and just support him like a servant. Me, who actually has more qualifications than him. And he gets to have the exact same child as me without sacrificing anything at all. Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

And he's not even listening to you, is he?

You've said how frustrated you are and instead of listening and doing all he can when he's at home to facilitate you having time to apply for jobs or even just have time to yourself, he's doing the opposite, staying at work later and later and treating you like an unpaid servant not an equal partner.

This is what happens to so many women, I'm sorry it's happening to you too OP.

I think getting a job (any job) has to be the priority. Getting out and talking to other people is so important. You will have to accept this will probably involve more childcare if your H isn't willing to step up a bit though.

He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps.

Exactly @Bagelsandbrie. And therefore reneging on his agreement with his wife to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare.

He's now staying later, refusing to menu plan, food shop or cook, & being cruelly & deliberately unsupportive of OP's career. He is undermining her, so that he can keep his lovely career and an unpaid housekeeper & childminder.

If OP got offered a cracking role tomorrow, 8am - 6.30pm Monday to Friday, no exceptions, no sickies, no time off for family emergencies ... & just took it, got up on Monday & went off & did it, expecting DH to step up or fix nursery provision himself - PP would be lambasting her for neglecting her DC.

When her DH does just this, via stealth/Covid - you justify it by saying "but he's the main breadwinner!" - neatly ignoring the fact that OP only had her DC because DH had agreed on equally shared careers & home-making.
He only has his "breadwinner" role because he behaved in ways calculated to sabotage both jobs OP managed to bag after maternity. He totally refused any leeway - OP had to take so much child-related time off she got sacked twice. He doesn't give a shit, because he wants all the power, & he doesn't care how much that costs his own wife.

So not only breaking his promise, but calling her a nasty selfish bitch for being upset he's deliberately broken their agreement.

That's not having an 'understandable point'. That's DARVO'ing his wife. This is not a partnership of each person supporting the other. It's a totalitarian state.
I think OP should defect.

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children?

@Lipsandlashes
Something i asked myself with alarming frequency in the early years. I don't live in the same country as my family which is why we had 2 children, so that they would have us and each other.

I did want children but i didn't want to be a SAHP at all, that wasn't our agreement and it was one i told my company about right from the off. It was never ever my plan to stay out of work for ages. Combination of shit circs lead to what happened next.

I didn't anticipate it being so incredibly isolating, and as i hadn't wanted to be a SAHP i was applying for job right left and centre, but over here employers are often reluctant to employ women with small children even when the father is ready at a day's notice to become the SAHP.

I then had PND which made everything more shitty. But. My kids were fine, i did things with them, groups, crafts, swimming, playing and their dad did a lot. And eventually we got over the baby/toddler thing and it was fine. But that first bit? the very antithesis of what i had planned.

Which is why i get where OP is coming from, and empathise. But. You have to be ready to roll with the punches and make a plan, and a back up plan to get out of the situation you fnd yourself in.

i ended up finding a new job and staying there more than 20 years with good progression. But it was hard work getting to that point. And my DH was completely supportive, so i get it is a big struggle for OP.

I truly do get your anger and resentment.
It sounds like your worked hard at your career and you went in with your DH with some agreements about DC and work and then he did keep his part at all when it came down to it.
I'd be livid.

Is your career the type where you can make the big 100k money?

It's crap he wouldn't even help you getting a new job. I imagine the people he works with must have connections that could have helped too.

At this point, whether you stay with him or leave, you'll have to accept that he didn't keep his end of the bargain and has no intention to.
I'm not saying to like it at all.
But more of this really sucks, what do I do next?

Do you have access to the money?

Is the type of career you have one you can do from home?
I'd work on finding reliable childcare to start with and do what you need to get back into your career.

@rookiemere

It's probably not useful to mull over what has passed, but OP did get herself a decent job, the issue was that due to isolation periods and child illness, she lost it because her DH was unwilling to support any of the burden. I agree he had a more senior job, but in those circumstances most employers are relatively accommodating for existing staff and I repeat again that a £70k salary is not enough to expect a household SAHM or nanny.

Employer dont expect their employees to look after their children during work hours. They would expect the child to be in childcare or the other parent be with them. They could obviously sometimes accommodate emergency situations but the OP has clearly said they are not prepared to get childcare!

[quote KeepPortlandWeird]@Fetarabbit I don’t know any lone parent fathers, can’t think of a single one throughout my children’s primary education either, there were only ever one or two dads at absolute most at the school gates, and they were in work suits.[/quote]
I'm surprised about the dads at the school gate. I did lots of pick ups for GC, both at senior school now so that phase is over, but pick up was normally roughly 1/3 mums, 1/3 dads, 1/3 grandparents. There were a few being picked up by aunts (I only knew of 1) the children staying for after school care were inside so I'm not sure how many they were but of the ones being picked up it was usually thirds as above.

Small village school so maybe something specific about the village but certainly dads were there.

Having read through all the posts I agree with the others - divorce him and free him. You're bitter, jealous, toxic and resentful of his success. Sounds like you had children without considering the true consequences and practicalities of childcare. School is 13-14 weeks holiday per year so your plan fails at the first hurdle.
I expect he's already having the affair, is as equally resigned to the situation as you are and just waiting for you to walk away. In years to come you'll look back on this and see it from the other side, where maybe you should have compromised and accepted that he had been more successful with fewer qualifications and perhaps been grateful.

Best of luck.

You have had a fair amount of bad luck over the times, but you have a Husband who works, and provides.. You complain about "the burden of children" which is a horrible thing to say. Why can't you be happy, instead of complaining about your Husband, and all and sundry.

@Brefugee

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children?

@Lipsandlashes
Something i asked myself with alarming frequency in the early years. I don't live in the same country as my family which is why we had 2 children, so that they would have us and each other.

I did want children but i didn't want to be a SAHP at all, that wasn't our agreement and it was one i told my company about right from the off. It was never ever my plan to stay out of work for ages. Combination of shit circs lead to what happened next.

I didn't anticipate it being so incredibly isolating, and as i hadn't wanted to be a SAHP i was applying for job right left and centre, but over here employers are often reluctant to employ women with small children even when the father is ready at a day's notice to become the SAHP.

I then had PND which made everything more shitty. But. My kids were fine, i did things with them, groups, crafts, swimming, playing and their dad did a lot. And eventually we got over the baby/toddler thing and it was fine. But that first bit? the very antithesis of what i had planned.

Which is why i get where OP is coming from, and empathise. But. You have to be ready to roll with the punches and make a plan, and a back up plan to get out of the situation you fnd yourself in.

i ended up finding a new job and staying there more than 20 years with good progression. But it was hard work getting to that point. And my DH was completely supportive, so i get it is a big struggle for OP.

Thank you for that incredibly honest explanation.

I’m sorry you feel stuck but someone needs to have the stable job to keep the family finances in place. Imagine both you you loosing your jobs because you are constantly taking time off ( that will be another problem) He has trippled his salary in a few years and you need to be proud of him. Try being supportive of work situation and formulating a plan for pick up and drop offs. Many nurseries open at 7.30 so is there a way he can do drop off so you can do pick up ? How old are you? You sound ambitious which is great and you will be able to make up for the time taken out to raise your kids. Many women are in your situation and the good thing is that you have a reason for a gap on your cv. Some companies now offer return to work scheme for women that have taken time out to raise families. Try researching those to see what is on offer.

@Brefugee

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children?

@Lipsandlashes
Something i asked myself with alarming frequency in the early years. I don't live in the same country as my family which is why we had 2 children, so that they would have us and each other.

I did want children but i didn't want to be a SAHP at all, that wasn't our agreement and it was one i told my company about right from the off. It was never ever my plan to stay out of work for ages. Combination of shit circs lead to what happened next.

I didn't anticipate it being so incredibly isolating, and as i hadn't wanted to be a SAHP i was applying for job right left and centre, but over here employers are often reluctant to employ women with small children even when the father is ready at a day's notice to become the SAHP.

I then had PND which made everything more shitty. But. My kids were fine, i did things with them, groups, crafts, swimming, playing and their dad did a lot. And eventually we got over the baby/toddler thing and it was fine. But that first bit? the very antithesis of what i had planned.

Which is why i get where OP is coming from, and empathise. But. You have to be ready to roll with the punches and make a plan, and a back up plan to get out of the situation you fnd yourself in.

i ended up finding a new job and staying there more than 20 years with good progression. But it was hard work getting to that point. And my DH was completely supportive, so i get it is a big struggle for OP.

It is hard, we make these choices but sometimes it doesn't work out. I couldn't have been a SAHP with my first two, it just wasn't possible financially. Then I had number 3, we decided we'd have a short gap so I went back to work, just for a year or so as then I'd have number 4 and be a SAHP for a few years. Well DH had an accident while I was pregnant, an honest to God nobodies fault accident so no one to sue, and financially I had to go back to work. I had 8 months off and the night before I went back I lay on the bed sobbing because I didn't want to leave her. Sometimes we don't get the choice do we.

DH was the big earner, but that was it he never worked again, I've been his carer for 30 years. That was something I never imagined.

They wanted him to book me a c section so the date could be guaranteed!

Oh OP. This is Handmaid's Tale levels of misogyny.
A man expects another man to book a procedure for his wife, because money is more important than personal autonomy, & besides, your body is so obviously DH's property, to use as an incubator & cut open as he sees fit?

The difference is, while he thinks he should avoid making them angry, I think he should claim his legal rights and fuck them if they’re angry.

If it helps, I am spitting angry, & I don't even know you OP
I would find it very difficult to respect a man who purported to be my DH, but who felt avoiding his employers' anger was more important than respecting & supporting his wife.
I'm so sorry OP - he's gone over to the dark side. His actions show just how much he agrees with his employers.

As others have said, if you haven’t got tame grandparents, you have to pay for childcare. Even if you are wfh.

My Dh was commuting 2 hours to work when we had dcs. We had no support whatsoever. Someone had to be at home so I lost my career. It wasn’t dh’s fault. It was the fault of circumstances.

Women I know who have maintained (great) careers have supportive grandparents, a flexible (!) Dh, eg an architect or something, and/or have paid £££££ for childcare.

In fact one woman said she planned ahead and chose a self-employed “artistic” Dh so that her career could be maintained. It’s very hard to keep things rolling when both partners have traditional office jobs with attendant structures.