Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

Also OP PP are saying that you want your DH to ‘lose’ etc - you’re pushed into a corner. It’s a natural response when humans feel not in control.

Op your husband sounds a selfish arsehole who I bet can take his full holiday allowance but chooses not to and with zero love or respect left, LTB sounds like the best plan.

I don't agree that it's his responsibility to help you find a job nor is it his fault you don't have the same body you did 3 years ago

your shared childcare plan where you each do school pick-ups and drop-offs and cover all 13 weeks of holiday (assuming you don't go private then it's more like 17) is totally unrealistic. If parents are working then you will need childcare and a nanny or childminder is likely to be your best option and as you seem to have a decent income, nanny will inevitably make your life much easier with no drop-offs or pick-ups. Why are you so averse to a professional caring for your child?

@Maiasaur

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

That is not feesible in any job. Kids are off school for 13 weeks a year...so on that basis you each want to take 6.5 weeks holiday (which most employers don't offer) and then you'd never be able to holiday today as a family anyway.

This is a very unhealthy dynamic. I'm curious why you are so against anyone else having your child, or using paid childcare?

Realistically, if you work fulltime..you're looking at probably having to use school holiday clubs/juggling school hols with childcare stresses etc...it is not easy to be two working parents responsible for kids; IMO people that have 'on tap' childcare of friends, relatives, have it SO easy.

Honestly, you need to focus on building a support network. Friends that can help you, and you help them. A regular trusted babysitter so you can have datenights...because at the moment you sound angry, bitter and resentful; and that will not only destroy your marriage, but also your own health.

External childcare will make all the difference. It will free you up to focus on retraining/job hunting and give you headspace to make whatever plans you need to be happy and fulfilled.

I agree with this. The only way we can make it work is by using childcare.

I think when it's fresh, it's not uncommon to speak like this - I always said that I'd make sure DP got 50% custody, but when the rubber hits the road, of course I haven't. Of course I look after the kids and wouldn't dream of using them to try and punish DP (because they're not actually that interested in seeing him - he's extremely self-absorbed), because it would harm the children if I did.

I think OP's at the absolutely righteous fury stage. Give it a little while and it'll calm into the quiet, getting ducks in a row fury stage, and she'll get stuff figured out and working for her.

Having read more posts I can see there’s more to this. I’m confused about why school and nursery is ok but you are unwilling to consider any form of wrap around care. Why does after school club or a childminder become ‘being looked after by randoms’? It’s just a different type of formal childcare which is appropriate for the evolving age of your children.

Very few families have two parents in work without using any form of paid childcare. It’s highly unrealistic. Your husband has got to a high level in his career and it’s kind of reasonable that he’s not going to be able to be at the school gates at 3:30 half the time, very few working parents are. I totally understand you wanting to get back to work but you’re insisting it happens in a certain way which is just unrealistic and anyway your husband isn’t on board with it. What the two of you envisaged a few years ago is one thing but things change and you can’t hold your husband ransom to those discussions forever. They happened when he was at a completely different place in his career.

I really sympathise with your situation, no one foresaw covid etc and you are dealing with issues that many working women are screwed by. But by refusing to get any form of childcare in place other than insisting your husband (whose job at this time supports you all) does half of all pick ups and holiday cover so your child never goes to any outside childcare, you’re really just standing in your own way. Being a working parent means making hard choices and sacrifices. My DH and I are fortunate to be able to cover most things ourselves as like you it’s important to us. But we still use a couple of days a week of after school club and some holiday cover because otherwise we simply couldn’t maintain two jobs. You need to pull your head out of the sand on that one and decide what’s most important to you.

Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

use that anger to do something useful. This is outing but i was fired when i was pregnant with my #1. I had never ever intended to have more than 6 months off because i don't like children.
As it happens i ended up 3 years at home, with 2 DCs planned to be close together for minimum impact on my working life. I was fucking angry and depressed nearly the whole time because babies and children are tedious.

My DH isn't a dick though, so we swapped after 3 years and i built up quite a good 2nd career, and he went back to his after a while out with no problems (not with a dick employer)

the point being that we had to work together, really hard, on creating a solution that worked for our family. And i wasn't especially happy with some parts of it, there were compromises and bits that we just had to push on with until the next stage (life with children is all about stages and managed change).

You absolutely have to take the pragmatic approach and accept that your DH has no incentive or intention to change. Work around it. And you will have to compromise on some things and suck up other things. But as with everything else in life: this too will pass. And at some point you will be satisfied that you made good decisions at this point.

I think there is so much anger that you would both benefit from marriage counselling to see if you can salvage your relationship.
I agree he hasn’t been fair but post baby a lot has happened and you are v lucky that he has had incredible promotions giving you security that many don’t have right now.
Having a child is a massive life changer and I think there is massive resentment and feeling that you have lost your identity.
Life as a single parent is going to be a lot harder and the issues you have now will pale into insignificance

OP I totally hear you. I hear your frustration and anger. I share it. Our patriarchal society allows this to happen - the shrinking of women's lives. It's no surprise so many women identify as feminists after they've had children.

Let's put him aside for a moment and deal with you. What sector did you work in before? Is there any way of doing that as a freelance or self employed? Potentially becoming a single mum, flexibility is good.

Secondly, I know it's hard to see this now but these years are short and working lives are very long. Once your child is in school you can pay an after school childminder and it's so much less than nursery. Then you can go back to full time.

Very soon (age 3) you get 30'free hours of childcare. Can you do flexible work around that?

Focus on a 20 year career plan for yourself, not a 2-3 year one. What can you achieve in the decades you have when your child is older?

It may be that your OH has no idea you feel quite this way. I still think therapy would be best, to explore whether a separation is the right thing

Others have given excellent advice.

But for now- stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing etc. You aren't his slave.

Gosh, I'm angry on your behalf, OP, but I just don't know what to advise.
In the meantime, here's and

Can’t have it all. Can’t have a career and children unless you earn so much you can afford a full time nanny plus an agency back-up nanny for Covid fallout emergencies. Ask him if he’ll contribute towards a nanny so that you can return to work.

Find a job with crèche on site or next door. There are some employers that do that, Nationwide Building Society HQs are the only ones I’m personally familiar with.

I’m lower down the chain than you financially and career wise , and have given up two fantastic job offers this summer because my husband can’t cover the childcare, and I mean really fantastic job offers, dream jobs waited all my life for kind of thing. So I’ve had to get a (modern day sweatshop) warehouse job just because the hours fit around childcare.

He runs his own business, and pays the bills.

I don’t know many career women, the ones I do, their kids have suffered from parental neglect because mum is never around, or both parents have such high earning jobs they can afford a full time nanny. For the rest of us, it just isn’t workable.

You’re very angry and when the red mist descends it’s very hard to make good decisions. Somehow you need to find a way to resist or let go of the anger long enough to decide the next steps for you (Stay go, plot an exit plan and financial security).

As for your husband, I wonder if such a meteoric increase in salary and responsibility in such a short time has completely gone to his head. He’s gone from agreeing to be a full co-parent, to this new position of being ‘too important’ for shared responsibilities, at the same time that this massive change at work has happened. I suspect he’s absolutely desperate to hang on to that status and money for the ego boost it’s given, and is prepared to sacrifice you and DC in the process.

Also his employers DO sound very difficult. The problem with taking annual leave for example. Or an expectation he works long hours (if that really is the case). Maybe he’s scared of rocking the boat by standing up for himself and is too ashamed to admit that to you (bit embarrassing to tell 'the wife' you are scared of the boss). After all, these rich men he works for have all the power to take away that status and money pretty easily. He may be enjoying all that boost to his ego and acting the 'BIG I AM' with it, but underneath he may have some imposter syndrome going on, and huge fear of losing it all as quickly as it came . It doesn’t excuse him treating you like a skivvy or being disrepectful, but may well be part of the underlying reason.

I'd be bloody angry too. Always women taking up the slack.

You were(are) ambitious

I dont know any ambitious woman who has a child less than 8-10 years into their career unless their career rise is meteoric. As a graduate on £25k either the career wasnt taking off as planned or the OP was still really early in her career.

The OP seems incredibly naive about the sacrifices necessary to have a child or the deeply held ambition is a narrative rewrite to justify the resentment she feels as to her present situation.

'I’m going to be flamed for this. I know I am. But I can sort of see his point. He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps. I completely understand how fed up and frustrated you are in your own job situation but I think especially with covid etc you both need to do everything you can to protect the main breadwinners job - and I’d say that if it was a man or a woman in that position.'

Totally agree. I'm sorry you feel unsupported but employment wise you do seem unreliable, taking 2yrs off after having a baby then being 'managed out' due to absences, getting fired in the next job due to absences.

You need to arrange a childminder, get a job then decide if you have a marriage worth saving but it would sound like that's a no. Good luck.

I don’t know many career women, the ones I do, their kids have suffered from parental neglect because mum is never around

Do children whos fathers work suffer parental neglect?

He has not ‘put you in this situation’ I think you are aiming al your anger at him and that is unfair.

He is not perfect but he did not put you in this situation.

You should go and talk to a counsellor/life coach and try to reframe your thinking.

Good luck.

@Brefugee

Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

use that anger to do something useful. This is outing but i was fired when i was pregnant with my #1. I had never ever intended to have more than 6 months off because i don't like children.
As it happens i ended up 3 years at home, with 2 DCs planned to be close together for minimum impact on my working life. I was fucking angry and depressed nearly the whole time because babies and children are tedious.

My DH isn't a dick though, so we swapped after 3 years and i built up quite a good 2nd career, and he went back to his after a while out with no problems (not with a dick employer)

the point being that we had to work together, really hard, on creating a solution that worked for our family. And i wasn't especially happy with some parts of it, there were compromises and bits that we just had to push on with until the next stage (life with children is all about stages and managed change).

You absolutely have to take the pragmatic approach and accept that your DH has no incentive or intention to change. Work around it. And you will have to compromise on some things and suck up other things. But as with everything else in life: this too will pass. And at some point you will be satisfied that you made good decisions at this point.

Not to derail but genuine question, why did you have children?

Fuck me the internalised misogyny on this thread is incredible.

@Caramellatteplease

You were(are) ambitious

I dont know any ambitious woman who has a child less than 8-10 years into their career unless their career rise is meteoric. As a graduate on £25k either the career wasnt taking off as planned or the OP was still really early in her career.

The OP seems incredibly naive about the sacrifices necessary to have a child or the deeply held ambition is a narrative rewrite to justify the resentment she feels as to her present situation.

It shouldnt be this way, but this is my experience too. Those at the higher echelons of work now had children once established in role/sector and then once they returned had a level of flexibility/bargaining power to either be able to negotiate flexible working and/or could afford to hire help at home and then returned to full time. I really hope one day this changes, but until it does, sadly I think women have to go into having children with their eyes open, and plan for a partner not pulling their weight as its never guaranteed.

@Fetarabbit I don’t know any lone parent fathers, can’t think of a single one throughout my children’s primary education either, there were only ever one or two dads at absolute most at the school gates, and they were in work suits.

Career women = parental neglect?

What rubbish.

"He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30"

I am sorry OP, but he has a well paid job, he's just been promoted and that means working longer hours, it will be expected by his employer. How do you really expect him to share looking after the child/children? I worked in places for twenty years, where I was leaving the house at 06:30 and getting home at 20:00 regularly. Who will pay the bills if he regularly goes missing from work and he gets sacked?

It's probably not useful to mull over what has passed, but OP did get herself a decent job, the issue was that due to isolation periods and child illness, she lost it because her DH was unwilling to support any of the burden. I agree he had a more senior job, but in those circumstances most employers are relatively accommodating for existing staff and I repeat again that a £70k salary is not enough to expect a household SAHM or nanny.