Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@Maiasaur

What would you realistically see yourself as being on now had you not had a child? Maybe £40k? But the main thing is I’d be out of the house, talking to intelligent and creative professionals, being successful and building my professional network, achieving highly and being recognised. And I’d have my own income and wouldn’t feel like I was being subsidised by DH.

You obviously never thought this through beforehand . Children DO change your life and not always for the better .

@Maiasaur

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

@Maiasaur are you aware that school hours can be as short as 9 to 2.45? How will you cover 13 weeks of school holidays? Training days? On top of random illnesses and emergencies? Wake up! Your plan was never going to work. Sorry. But you need to have a reality check.

Isn't there 12/13 weeks of school holidays. Drop off at 8.45, pick up at 3.15. Childcare in whatever form works for you is necessary.

Op can you explain what you want to happen now? It’s not clear

I think a pp hit the nail on the head saying you seem angry at your husband “winning” (but it was the right call at the time) and now want him to “lose” to even things up. Correct me if I’m wrong

OP you're a little bit infuriating here. Your husband is making a career for himself and doing well. That requires him to put in the hours. This is not in dispute and there are questions about him checking out of family life - but he does see his role as providing for the family.

You want what he has and (are you jealous a bit, it is ok to be jealous) you don't care about his success, although it keeps a roof over your head, because he's having what you want.

You don't "want randoms" looking after your kid (way to keep us working outside the home since our kids were small and know the ropes mums onside, btw) and are not prepared to change this idea.

OK. I get it. (PFB, right? that is your prerogative).

You don't seem to even like your DH so all the calls to LTB and prepare for divorce aren't really that off the mark. But you need to prepare. If you seriously want him to take responsibility for your DC after a split, the best way to get the courts to reinforce that is to get back to work asap. And yes, that will involve "some random" looking after your DC. Get over it. Because your best bet for future financial security is to get back on the treadmill. And start getting money together.

I actually proposed this. He said no, he needs time off at weekends and we don’t need the extra money. I said I want to earn some money of my own. He said ok then he’ll hire me as a nanny and cleaner at the same salary my employer would pay.

I get that he wants weekends off. We all do. He sees himself working hard all week and wants a break. He sees you apparently doing nothing all week and palming a child off him for the whole weekend. While you are not wrong that he needs to step up, this is not realistic even with the best supportive DH, so you need to face it pragmatically.

Why not let him "pay you for doing what you are doing now"? That way he is giving you money, your own cold hard cash. And in the meantime you can develop your getaway plan?

We all have hopes and dreams. I think you're not very old, so you have time to make a good go of a career. Be pragmatic about the reality that is facing you and use it to your advantage.

He sounds not great. But you dont seem to be living in the real world either.

Someone has to look after the lovely little human being you both chose to have.

Either one of you has to do it, and circumstances mean it's not going to be him. Or you are going to have to decide to pay someone. It's a simple binary choice.

Every household where both parents have a career relies on GP and/or paid childcare. If you both want a career get childcare. Ltb may be the right thing as you seem to have as much contempt for him as he has for you, but if you want a career you are still going to need childcare.

Pay someone who will care for your DC, as you dont seem to want to any more than your "selfish" "D"H.

You come across in this post as fairly obstructive op. The only solution you are seemingly prepared to accept is one that was decided on several years ago, pre children, pre covid and before the medical issues complicated things. To be honest the original plan was never particularly realistic and now, given the various changes in circumstances have occurred, is even less so.

You will either have to accept you need a new plan or you can continue as you are festering with resentment. The change can only come from you.

Take birth control (seem to many threads on here by women being trapped by another pregnancy)
No need. For being a selfish twat the result is he gets nowhere near me.

@Maiasaur

What do u mean u were suppose to share childcare? One does pickups and the other does dropoffs. If DC is sick for 10 days we each take 5 days off work. If DC is on school holidays for 2 weeks we each take 1 week off. Etc.

If u both work full time, so say 9 till 5, how can u both do pick up so school finishes at 3 thats 2 more hours of work, employers r not going to be that flexible, i was teacher before having to give up work, i couldnt just go pick up my child from school at 3 and then take them where untill 5? I just dont think u have thought about this in reality

OP feels her DH "insisted" on their having a child.
Having the baby was not a good experience iirc from the OP.
She had not planned on being a SAHM fair enough, but shit happened (to us all).
She resents being SAHM and the dynamic at home has changed radically from two equals to what she sees as him trying to enforce "master" and "minion". She resents this.

She stops making his life easier, starts baulking and making his life harder. He resents that. They row. Things are said. Positions are entrenched.

The only possible solution here is family therapy or mediation, so both parents can hear and understand the other, and arrive at a mutually agreed way forward.

Or she divorces him and finds out just how hard life as a real single parent can be. And he finds out just how shit a dad he is.

You should apply for jobs in your previous career, get a nanny.
You’ll have free nursery places and school for your child and a paid nanny for other times and sick days.
You’ll have a good salary and your partner can pay towards nanny. You both get to concentrate on your career.
my career has suffered because of children it’s really hard to get back to a career, but it’s possible with planning, it’s gets much easier as children get older.

I feel sorry for your child. Neither of his parent are willing to sacrifice their career for a few years to bring him up. Why did you both choose to have a child ? Raising your baby isn't child care it's called parenting. So now his parents will divorce and spend the rest of his childhood arguing over who will look after him. Honestly you both need to grow a pair and step up to put you child first

I don’t think you can make him have the children for 50% of the time unless he wants this.

@DomPom47

I don’t think you can make him have the children for 50% of the time unless he wants this.

But who works full time and has their children 50% of time its not even a option

OP you've been clobbered by
a) the reality of how unequal things still are for women re childcare/parenting.
b) the reality of your DH's lack of capacity to parent.
and c) all of this during covid.

You're angry at how it's all panned out and frustrated at being 'stuck at home'.
You're lashing out.
I'd suggest some counselling to try and untangle who is responsible for what, to get some of your feelings in perspective, and to work out what it is you want and how to achieve it.

This level of resentment is not doing you or your marriage or your child any good. However justified. You need some support and some serious space to explore it all. A thread on mumsnet - while very useful - isn't going to cut it ultimately (IMHO).
Very best of luck, really. It's good that you've posted because you do sound really upset. Who wouldn't be? I think giving birth to your first in a pandemic ALONE is hugely stressful without the other stuff.

are you jealous a bit, it is ok to be jealous
Totally. I worked bloody hard right through school and university (almost 20 years) and got into £££ of student debt. I did unpaid internships. I succeeded in getting a good job and I worked hard, late nights and weekends and everything. Then DH and I jointly had a baby. And suddenly my health is ruined, my job is gone, I’m responsible for all childcare so I can’t go back to work, and there’s no end in sight because he won’t step up and do his half. So it looks like my life is permanently ruined. Meanwhile DH still has his original body and his original job, he’s earning a fortune and getting patted on the back, and I’m expected to stand in the background and just support him like a servant. Me, who actually has more qualifications than him. And he gets to have the exact same child as me without sacrificing anything at all. Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

@Maiasaur

are you jealous a bit, it is ok to be jealous Totally. I worked bloody hard right through school and university (almost 20 years) and got into £££ of student debt. I did unpaid internships. I succeeded in getting a good job and I worked hard, late nights and weekends and everything. Then DH and I jointly had a baby. And suddenly my health is ruined, my job is gone, I’m responsible for all childcare so I can’t go back to work, and there’s no end in sight because he won’t step up and do his half. So it looks like my life is permanently ruined. Meanwhile DH still has his original body and his original job, he’s earning a fortune and getting patted on the back, and I’m expected to stand in the background and just support him like a servant. Me, who actually has more qualifications than him. And he gets to have the exact same child as me without sacrificing anything at all. Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

I would be angry, too, in your position.

OP you are right to be furious - he’s reneged on his part of the deal and left you trapped. He’s acted like a total shit and clearly doesn’t value you as a professional individual.

But realistically, he is not going to step up. He absolutely should. But he won’t. So I think you have to re-examine your childcare plans. “Randoms” isn’t a very appropriate description to use for trained childcare professionals. It sounds like they’d be better than your DH in any case. Find a good childminder or nanny. Not a random one. Get to know them. You can’t do this without help and he has already said he won’t. Sounds like he may object to spending money on childcare that isn’t you, but that’s the battle I’d be fighting, not “DH should be doing it”. Cos he won’t. Cos he’s a lying dick.

A similar situation was the beginning of the end for DP and me, although it took 7 more years for me to have finally had enough.

And you know what, life is so much easier, even though I have full care of the kids (admittedly, both primary age now), and have to juggle that with a full-time job (luckily I contract remotely and so can choose my hours around the kids).

When I first put my foot down that I was bloody well working, and he played the switcheroo about suddenly being too important to take any part in it, I hired one of the other school mums as a nanny, to look after my toddler, and his elder sibling. Once the toddler was a bit older, I got them into a child-minder instead, who was fantastic, and cheaper. Then once they were both at school I rotated between child-minders at home, after school clubs, and childminders in their own home (depending on what existed in the country we were living in) so I could get my hours in. Every year it gets easier, and my salary has been recovering.

There seems to be a lot more remote work around at the moment - is there any in your line?

I feel for you. The problem isn't what he's saying exactly - he's right that one person needs an income and employers are so inflexible you could both end up being edged out for childcare when it's shared, and that's what so utterly grotesque about our society right now. But that's not the point here.

The point is how he's talking to you and how he's disregarding you and your needs. You've been completely sidelined in the family.

I would try couples therapy to see if you can get a breakthrough in the way he's thinking about this. You may end up deciding to part ways anyway but it's worth trying?

You should leave if there's no change. But yes, don't expect 50 per cent childcare. He'll wriggle out of it. You might just be happier anyway

@Maiasaur

are you jealous a bit, it is ok to be jealous Totally. I worked bloody hard right through school and university (almost 20 years) and got into £££ of student debt. I did unpaid internships. I succeeded in getting a good job and I worked hard, late nights and weekends and everything. Then DH and I jointly had a baby. And suddenly my health is ruined, my job is gone, I’m responsible for all childcare so I can’t go back to work, and there’s no end in sight because he won’t step up and do his half. So it looks like my life is permanently ruined. Meanwhile DH still has his original body and his original job, he’s earning a fortune and getting patted on the back, and I’m expected to stand in the background and just support him like a servant. Me, who actually has more qualifications than him. And he gets to have the exact same child as me without sacrificing anything at all. Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

You're right to be angry.

External childcare will make all the difference. It will free you up to focus on retraining/job hunting and give you headspace to make whatever plans you need to be happy and fulfilled.

I'd waste less energy on what your husband has now (you can't roll back the last 4 years) and more on what you can get out of your life.

Damn right I’m jealous and angry.

None of the above it your childs fault. You were both only on a salary of less than 30k when you decided to have a child. Its hardly as if both of you were well established, you were both still in the early stages of your career.

Your DH has been lucky. That is all. But atm he is the only one supporting the family. For the sake of your child that should mean something. He loses his job your DC will suffer.

You need to put your anger and jealousy aside because the way you talk and disregard your child is frankly horrible.

Yes you have been unfortunate. But actually you are in a position to start rebuilding the pieces. Do what you need to put your career back on track if that's what you want.

Start changing the narrative for your childs sake.

I think you need to look at the situation objectively and separate out the logistical issues from being angry. Whether you ultimately stay together or not you need to get yourself into the best possible long-term position.

Logistics first, in order to get back into work you need to have reliable childcare. The better childcare you have the more you will be able to develop your career. A good nursery, a nanny-share a childminder. Each has advantages and disadvantages and you need to decide what works best for you. If he doesn’t want to contribute practically get him paying for it.

If he doesn’t want to contribute to housework get cleaners in or a housekeeper outsource the laundry take as much load of yourself as you can.

If he wants to play Billy big bollocks turn it against him.

That will free you up to concentrate on what you want and creating opportunities for yourself.

Once you have a little headspace you can make a decision about what you want to do long-term.

In principle we need men to stand up for the fact that they have legal rights and take 50% of the childcare responsibility because until a majority of men do it workplaces will still keep expecting it to be the women’s problems. Unfortunately as important as the principal as it doesn’t really help you so you need to take concrete steps to help yourself.

As a high achieving career woman OP I can see why you’re angry. You were(are) ambitious, you want to be a professional, not just a mum.

However apart from the fact that your ‘D’H doesn’t seem to care about you - you seem to be against using childcare. There’s nothing wrong with that! Better a child in childcare than with an angry , unfulfilled mother. And they are professionals.

It’s impossible for 2 FT working parents to cover drop-offs/pick-ups entirely by themselves unless they WFH or have a job that’s known to be flexible. Your DH workplace js known to be inflexible.

The main point is that you both are not communicating.