What ages does motherhood get easier?

[strugglingtostaysane]

Please someone on this gloomy Sunday tell me when does having a child get easier? I've been lurking in a million threads where I keep reading that it's going to get easier when DC are 6/8/12months or any other INSERT HERE age.

I have one toddler 13 months and so far I've hated every stage so far. I don't like being alone with DC, he is so bitey and he pulls my hair all the fucking time. I'm always saying "no gentle hands" or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say not to traumatise him.

Being a mum is nothing like I expected. I thought I understood the relentless of it but there were so many things I didn't expect like the throwing food on the floor ALL the time or him scratching me on the face, I have so many it looks like I got into a fight with an angry cat.

Now he's past 12months I get asked about having another and I want to scream NEVER!! DH sort of agrees with staying at 1 DC but occasionally has delusions of 2 kids. I asked my mum why she pushed me to have kids when it's so brutal on women and it was for her too and she just said " oh this phase of your life will be over before you know it". I read a thread here the other day about motherhood and it was the most insightful thing I've read since getting pregnant. I didn't appreciate that I wouldn't get to live MY life except in service to others, DS, DH, the dog, family life etc . Yes I get pockets of time, mostly when I'm working or DS is in bed but none of it fulfilling in the same way it was before, but I'm always anxiously thinking about food for the next day or washing clothes or something for nursery or the constant to do list in my head

I want to know when I'm going to start enjoying it or at least when is it less fucking all consuming.

To head off the comments which I know will come: yes I had PND, already taking meds and had therapy, not depressed, already back at work (love my work!!) , probably have ADHD but can't get my GP to accept a diagnosis from my teens. I'm not in the U.K.

I loved 2 to 5. I found primary school onwards more difficult.

More enjoyable at 4 I would say but easier? I doubt it ever gets easier. Just one type of issue replaced with another. My Mum still stresses about my brother and I at 41 and 37.

From 4 much ,much better. You're right in the worst of it there.

I hate people who say it never gets easier, that's crap.

My almost 9 year old has been ace since he started sleeping through the night at 4 (although was easy during the day before this. My 5.5 year old DSS is also easy peasy and they both keep each other amused

3.5 was a lot better - preschool every day, definitely not a toddler any more.
5 and real school was good.
7 is a gamechanger. They are definitely growing up. The delightfulness wanes a bit but it is so much easier.

Ds has been the easiest teenager in creation so once we got past the poo jokes - God they seemed to linger - he's been delightful again. I love teenagers and their fantastic ability to get on with it themselves. Once they can put a pizza in the oven or boil pasta you are liberated.

6,7,8 are beautiful ages - still a child yet not entirely dependant on you for feeding, bathing, toileting. Lots and lots freedom but masses of love. However my eldest is now 10, and my middle child 9 and the ‘growing up’ battles as they struggle to demarcate themselves from you and their bodies begin growing and hormones flooding in is just around the corner, I am finding very challenging, exhausting and kind of less rewarding than the hard stages when they are little.

It changes. I think 4-10 is an easier age.

I have teens, one with SN who is 'particularly challenging', (this was worded such from my dd support worker who works with many teens with behaviour problems and told me was my teen is top end of scale for difficult), and so far teens is the toughest age.

I didnt mind the baby, toddler and pre school stage tbh.

They were more helpful and eager to please at that age. Eg would put their rubbish in the kitchen bin or take a cup to the kitchen or carry a piece of shopping in etc.

A trip to the park was fun for example.

Now they think they have done me a tremendous favour if they empty the dishwasher and pick their dirty clothes off the bedroom floor once a week.

It depends on your child as weather it does get easier as they get older. I would swop meetings with school for years of persistent school refusal for a toddler or newborn any day. It's less physical but it's not a doddle either.

Throwing food on floor stops around 3. General mess/spilling stuff etc stops around 5 ish I'd say.

13 months is tough. DS never sat still at that age whilst DD just screamed.

It gets easier when they are around 4 tbh. But then if they have siblings they argue more... 🤔🙄

For me it got a chunk easier between 2-3 (toilet trained and started sleeping through) and then a lot easier around 5-6.

Being mum to a young dc is relentless, but I don't every remember disliking it so much - is there any chance you might still be depressed?

As most have suggested, once their communication skills develop it gets easier. I went through a stage of REALLY envying people who's kids were grown up and independent - it can be really hard some days, so go gently on yourself!

Thanks all. I don't know how to stop caring about the food being thrown on the floor. We live in. Small place and it just gets everywhere. I hate cold food and I hate touching food in general. Honestly I now have a list of things I never thought about when we decided to get pregnant / have a baby. Plus it's so physically exhausting. I can't pick him properly and he's only 13 months! Fuck I remember my mum holding me when I was 5/6years old.

This is where I wish I'd had a girl. All the girls I know are less physical. DS is totally non stop, all day.

I'm glad all of you are saying it gets better after 3. I can hold on another 2 years.

Yes I'm still depressed. I had images of babymoon, and growing bigger while seeing family and family parties and family seeing our newborn and baby classes and meeting new mums. Instead I spent my WHOLE pregnancy in lockdown and barely had DH there. Then our families only met him when he was 8 months old. I have no new mum friends and Im already back at work juggling nursery runs and my job.

I used a waterproof groundsheet under the highchair. It caught most of what DC threw (the highchair mats were too small). I also fed DC outside during the spring and summer, but probably getting a bit cold for that now.

I get you on the physical front. Mine was the baby who kept trying to crawl out of baby classes, though reception, through the revolving doors and onto a busy road. They were fast too. No cups of tea and chatting to other mums for me . Though at least we weren't in lockdown.

Are you BLW? There was a really good thread a couple of weeks ago about how stressful it is. My DS is 16 years old. BLW wasn't a thing when he was a baby. He was absolutely fine with being spoon fed his main meal + having something 'dry' (toast/pasta/breadsticks/veg/fruit sticks etc) to feed himself. Honestly, cut yourself some slack.

I HATED being pregnant and the baby phase up to about 2 and a half years old. Then it definitely got easier. (I had PND and a breakdown (work related) when my son was 2).

I don't think it's true that boys are more 'full on' than girls though. I think you are very tired and worn down and need to give yourself a break.

I've got a 2 year old. I recommend parking the dog under the high chair (and not feeding DS avocado or grapes). DS soon leaned that if he threw the food it went in the dog and that the dog didn't give it back. Then you just need to wipe the floor and you don't have to deal with gross chunks of cold food .

I actually LOVE this stage, but then, I absolutely hated being pregnant and thought the newborn stage was so mind-numbingly dull that I went back to work early. People talk a lot of shit about 2 year olds, but I think for me it got easier around 18 months when he could actually communicate his needs. Also then BigLittleFeelings Instagram and parenting course were absolute gamechangers for me. Helped no end with the biting and epic tantrums.

In my experience - Have your second one ASAP even though it is really tough. Do what you have to do to get through (nanny, nursery, days out whilst babies stay with dad). It gets easier when the youngest is 3 in my view.

Boys are not harder than girls, by the way. It’s an individual child thing. Don’t buy into that narrative about girls vs boys.

And I didn’t have to go through it in lockdown. Full marks to all the new mums over this period. It’s already hard enough without lockdowns.

@ThePoint678

In my experience - Have your second one ASAP even though it is really tough. Do what you have to do to get through (nanny, nursery, days out whilst babies stay with dad). It gets easier when the youngest is 3 in my view.

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@ThePoint678 I agree that it's nothing to do with the sex of the baby as to how challenging they can be. There's a lot of crap spouted about that boys are harder but it's bs. It's down to the child's temperament rather than their sex.

But do not agree to advise to getting on and have a 2nd ASAP. Having more than 1 child is not right for everyone and for some having a larger age gap is better. It's a very personal choice.

@Santastuckincustoms

Oh it's all shit before 18 months then gets better and better. Talking is the game changer for me. Once I can converse then it feels like I get a lot more back.

I haven't found this at all tbh. More the opposite. I guess it depends on the individual child!

If you aren’t working full time then see if your HV can suggest playgroups/ stay and plays etc to meet some people. It does help.

I found a mat under the high chair helps as I just had to pick that up and pour into the bin with no picking up mushy broccoli.

I can’t imagine how had the last 18 months or so has been.

I would say from primary school, possibly year 1. Mine aren’t teenagers yet however. But I would say two primary school aged children are much easier than babies and toddlers.

I’d love to know where people get off with telling someone who is depressed and struggling with a toddler that it ‘doesn’t get any easier’. They could at least acknowledge that it hasn’t got any easier for them personally (if that is actually true) rather than generalising for everyone. For a lot of people if life continued to be as relentless as it is with a colicky baby/difficult toddler then it just wouldn’t be sustainable. In all honesty I don’t think I could have carried on if that was true for me.

Maybe your feeling a bit isolated too from other families? Maybe try meeting some of your son's friend's parents? Put a note at the nursery door with your name and number. Arrange a meet up in the park. Sharing the burden really helps. Having a play date can make the afternoon so much less relentless and turn it into positive fun. It's also nice to have another mum to have a moan with.