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Original poster

Upsetting encounter. What could I have done?

89 replies

Mrsfrumble · 24/10/2021 20:22

Walking through a rough neighbourhood with my family today, I was approached by a heavily pregnant woman who was in a bad way. She told me that she was scheduled to have her baby by caesarean tomorrow, but the “voices in her head” were telling her she was going to die in surgery, and wanted me to reassure her that it wasn’t true. She also told me she was addicted to crack and felt breathless all the time. I did my best to reassure her, that breathlessness was normal in late pregnancy and caesareans were a common and safe procedure, but I felt completely out of my depth. I asked her if she anywhere to go and someone to look after her, and she told me she lived in supported accommodation. I would have gone with her to make sure this was true, but my young children were with me and I could tell DS (who is autistic) was frightened and wanted to get away.

I can’t stop thinking about her now. She was in a bad state; dirty clothes, rotting teeth and sores on her face, and must have been so frightened to have approached a stranger in the street for reassurance (I think she came to me because I was obviously a mother). I can’t stop thinking about how her baby will be born addicted Sad

What else could I have done for her?

OP posts:
SeasonalNamechange · 24/10/2021 20:24

that poor baby. What a horrible start to life

Hodgehog · 24/10/2021 20:26

I would have thought the police for a welfare check at the very least.

Hodgehog · 24/10/2021 20:26

Although may have been difficult in front of her

Whataday21 · 24/10/2021 20:26

You did more than others would have. You have her your time and reassurance. There's nothing else you could do.

Skinnymimi · 24/10/2021 20:27

Nothing. She is a crack addict with voices in her head. You protected your own DC and did the best you could. I would have screamed at her to back the F off if she approached me. Crack addicts tend to be unpredictable and you couldn’t risk that.

Yummymummy2020 · 24/10/2021 20:28

To be honest I’m not really sure what else you can do. Assuming she is booked in for a section I would have thought the staff know the situation and I would hope support would be in place but I guess you don’t know. When you have your own kids with you your hands are a bit tied to be fair.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 24/10/2021 20:28

@Skinnymimi

Nothing. She is a crack addict with voices in her head. You protected your own DC and did the best you could. I would have screamed at her to back the F off if she approached me. Crack addicts tend to be unpredictable and you couldn’t risk that.
Dear me.
Newhorizon21 · 24/10/2021 20:29

What a sad encounter, I think you absolutely did the best you could here. You gave this vulnerable person your time, & tried to offer her reassurance, while keeping yourself & your child safe. I would think that she is well supported this evening from what she said to you & she will be be reviewed pre C-section tomorrow.

Mcmcmcmc · 24/10/2021 20:29

She must be receiving support from the NHS (assuming you are in the UK) from midwives, social workers and an addictions or mental health team. It’s a very sad situation but it’s difficult to know what you could have done. If she appeared distressed by the voices you could have called 999, but if she is already known to services, they would not have done much unless they felt she needed to be taken to hospital immediately. And if she does not turn up to Hospital for her c section, the hospital safeguarding team will contact her accommodation and try to find her. I think you did the right thing to leave as your DS was getting distressed.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 24/10/2021 20:30

I think you did the best you could in the circumstances op.

Hellocatshome · 24/10/2021 20:30

Where did she go when you walked away? Once I was out if earshot I probably would have called the police/an ambulance (I'm not sure which is more appropriate)

SylvanasWindrunner · 24/10/2021 20:30

I'd call 111 and just log it. It will do no harm and if she's approached others then it might get her some help or she might be already known to officers and they can perform a check.

Mojoj · 24/10/2021 20:30

@Skinnymimi know a lot of crack addicts do you?

JanglyBeads · 24/10/2021 20:30

I think I’d have asked where her accommodation was and if any staff would be around, maybe taken her there- if that was possible with smalls in tow?

If not near, I suppose the best thing to do would be to call 999 and explain you were with someone having a MH crisis. Explain you couldn’t stay with her.

Very difficult with children in tow though.

SylvanasWindrunner · 24/10/2021 20:31

101* even

WellThatsATurnipForTheBooks · 24/10/2021 20:35

That sort of encounter would prey on my mind too.

It's not as though you can do anything though really as I'm pretty sure she'd be in the system (known to social services, substance abuse team etc) but it doesn't stop you worrying does it.

You could phone and check that she is known to them and express your concerns and let them know about your encounter but chances are they already know.

Comedycook · 24/10/2021 20:38

That sounds awful....you did what you could...don't feel guilty. You had your dc with you...they're your priority. There wasn't much you could do really. I'm sure the medical team involved in her pregnancy and the birth will have a plan in place to help her and keep the baby safe and well.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2021 20:40

@Skinnymimi

Nothing. She is a crack addict with voices in her head. You protected your own DC and did the best you could. I would have screamed at her to back the F off if she approached me. Crack addicts tend to be unpredictable and you couldn’t risk that.
Oh dear
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 24/10/2021 20:41

People always say they would have done something. Statistically, they wouldn't have. Theyd have ignored and walked away.

Op, if have though the chances if her leaving hospital with that baby were slim.

Theres nothing you could have done with your children present and absolutely no experience in this field.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 24/10/2021 20:43

I have been in a similar situation but without small children present. I walked the person back to their supported accommodation and asked the reception person if the person could use the phone to call NHS24 ( was at a weekend). In our area CPNs will talk to people in difficulties like this by phone and if necessary arrange to see the person.

But I think if I'd had small children with me in your situation, I'd have reassured the woman that staff at the hospital would look after her well when she went in to have her baby.

LizBennet · 24/10/2021 20:43

@Skinnymimi

Nothing. She is a crack addict with voices in her head. You protected your own DC and did the best you could. I would have screamed at her to back the F off if she approached me. Crack addicts tend to be unpredictable and you couldn’t risk that.
Bloody hell, I'd have wondered which one of you was on crack 😑
userxx · 24/10/2021 20:45

@Skinnymimi

Nothing. She is a crack addict with voices in her head. You protected your own DC and did the best you could. I would have screamed at her to back the F off if she approached me. Crack addicts tend to be unpredictable and you couldn’t risk that.

Fucking hell. You're all heart.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 24/10/2021 20:46

Which is essentially what you did.

BrilliantBetty · 24/10/2021 20:47

Could have called the police. She is walking the streets heavily pregnant and very vulnerable. Sounds like she needed medical assistance.
Clearly the 'supported living' she may or may not be in aren't taking good enough care of her and perhaps her meds need reviewing. For the baby's sake if nothing else this should have been reported.

Mcmcmcmc · 24/10/2021 20:48

I suppose it would be difficult for 101 operators to do anything after the OP had left - even knowing the exact location and description of the person, OP (presumably) did not know her name or had her contact details and there is no guarantee she would still be there by the time someone arrived to check in on her.
In that situation I’d have called 999 and asked for an ambulance for a mental health emergency. Ideally OP would 1) have the person’s consent (though you could go ahead without her consent if you were concerned about her safety or that of others) and 2) stayed there until the ambulance crew arrived to make sure the woman was still there. It sounds like number 2 would not have been possible due to OP’s DS getting distressed.

OP, you encountered a difficult situation while having your DC with you and you did the best you could at the time. Like others said, you gave her time and attention. Unless you remember the exact location, her description and perhaps her name, and left just a few minutes ago, I would not do anything at this stage. She may not be in that area anymore. You can log it via 101 online just so the police have a report of someone in the area experiencing a mental health crisis, but without her name or contact details I doubt they will be able to do much. If you ever encounter a situation like this again you will be more prepared and will know to call 999 if it’s possible (and safe) to do so.
As I and others have said, if you are in the UK she will likely be known to Services already. And if you were in a busy area she will likely have approached other people.

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