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Original poster

Friend still shielding.

124 replies

Thefuturestory · 24/10/2021 15:53

A friend of mine I haven’t seen in nearly two years. She lives with parents who are probably in their 60s.

She still isn’t going out apart from occasional supermarket trip. She’s still working from home.

I’ve suggested a coffee recently. She has declined. This is the latest in a lot of declines since lockdown happened.

Feeling a bit deflated. She’s really missing out on life.

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 26/10/2021 08:36

Oftenithinkaboutit I’m the same but I’ve found after a year or so it can make me feel down. There’s the pain of not seeing a dear friend and maybe some frustration of why can’t they meet for an outdoor coffee/walk? Plus maybe I’m going through something too and feel lonely and miss that friend.

MagpieMary · 26/10/2021 08:39

I have posted in another thread about this. I have a friend who won’t go anywhere apart from a walk outdoors. She won’t sit in a bench or have a takeaway coffee. No health issues. I’ve begun to realise she’s borderline mentally ill. I can’t deal with it anymore and the friendship is over. She doesn’t go anywhere or do anything. She accepted redundancy a few months ago. She does have an elderly mother who she visits but both of them are fully vaccinated. It’s just ridiculous.

Cuck00soup · 26/10/2021 08:40

I’ve met a good few people over the past few months who haven’t, for want of a better phrase, “learned” how to go back out again. For most, it seems like anxiety and other mental health conditions are behind their concerns.

We are all at a different point of the spectrum here, some went out at the first opportunity and discarded their masks, most of us are going out with varying degrees of personal precautions and others like your friend are stuck at the not going out end.

The thing is, in order to go back out, your friend is quite likely going to need some help which ironically is harder to access right now. She will also benefit from having friends. If you can, a message along the lines of I’m here when you’re ready may be helpful.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 08:48

@DampSquidGames

Oftenithinkaboutit I’m the same but I’ve found after a year or so it can make me feel down. There’s the pain of not seeing a dear friend and maybe some frustration of why can’t they meet for an outdoor coffee/walk? Plus maybe I’m going through something too and feel lonely and miss that friend.
I’m not saying it’s pleasant or ideal

But my friends have been with me through thick and thin. And vice versa. It’s been tough. But for a good friend - it’s worth it

DampSquidGames · 26/10/2021 08:53

Oftenithinkaboutit I agree, I stick with the friend but have found the messaging and asking can feel a negative, particularly through the pandemic when lots of us have had a tough time.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 09:16

@DampSquidGames

Oftenithinkaboutit I agree, I stick with the friend but have found the messaging and asking can feel a negative, particularly through the pandemic when lots of us have had a tough time.
Agreed. But the op doesn’t say the friend doesn’t want to talk on the phone.

So mix it up. A call / a text / a face time.

Not frequently. Just every now and then to “drop in” and make sure she’s ok.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2021 09:21

Some people are essentially more comfortable not engaging directly with the world, and Covid has given them the ultimate excuse to retreat from everything.

It is sad, but there is nothing you can do about it - just keep inviting her occasionally so she always had the option.

User983590521 · 26/10/2021 09:33

For myself, I am not happy with going nowhere and seeing no-one. I don't believe I have a mental health problem. I am not anxious about a perfectly normal situation. This is a very abnormal situation.
I would be happy to meet outside but have only had 2 meet ups this way as friends seem to feel it's not good enough.
I am not going to go into someone's house, and certainly not into a busy cafe.
This is because of concern for the relative I live with.
I wouldn't enjoy taking chances with my relative's health by meeting up indoors and that is what would make me anxious.

I hope, tho, that I don't come across to friends as someone who needs tender concern and offers to 'be there for me'.
I'm the same person as before, dealing with the current situation in the way that I have to. That's all.

WTF475878237NC · 26/10/2021 09:40

I'm quite happy not being that sociable having gone so long just in my own little family bubble. I'm not mentally ill.

It's lovely you're concerned for your friends welfare OP.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 09:43

@User983590521

For myself, I am not happy with going nowhere and seeing no-one. I don't believe I have a mental health problem. I am not anxious about a perfectly normal situation. This is a very abnormal situation. I would be happy to meet outside but have only had 2 meet ups this way as friends seem to feel it's not good enough. I am not going to go into someone's house, and certainly not into a busy cafe. This is because of concern for the relative I live with. I wouldn't enjoy taking chances with my relative's health by meeting up indoors and that is what would make me anxious.

I hope, tho, that I don't come across to friends as someone who needs tender concern and offers to 'be there for me'.
I'm the same person as before, dealing with the current situation in the way that I have to. That's all.

But presumably you’re ok meeting up. Outside. In a wood. For a walk

This woman isn’t.

Elieza · 26/10/2021 09:45

I agree with User above.

I choose to try and stay safe. My friends don’t understand why. However they are accepting of me doing this because they respect my freedom of choice. They know I’m not baling on them. They know my other friends got long covid and has been ill for nearly two months (double vaxd no underlying health conditions relating to breathing or internal organs etc). People seem to think if you’re double vaxd you’ll be fine. It’s not always the case. This incorrect assumption is leading people to behave as before covid. While noting the figures are rising but not thinking that it’s their behaviour which, although perfectly legal, could be a contributory factor.

MagpieMary · 26/10/2021 09:56

But, if not now, when? Are you prepared to live like that forever?

Turkishangora · 26/10/2021 10:03

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Some people are essentially more comfortable not engaging directly with the world, and Covid has given them the ultimate excuse to retreat from everything.

It is sad, but there is nothing you can do about it - just keep inviting her occasionally so she always had the option.

Agree with this. I know people who are pretty upset about a return to any kind of normality. Nothing to do with anxiety but because they like it. I'm very happy to be back doing activities but I've pared my social circle right right down off the back of covid. Just prefer to see one or two friends and then only for a couple of hours. I'm happier being quiet though... And have come to love my own company!

We know a family who use any tenuous excuse for shielding. I'm friends with the wife and if she does too much in terms of activities or socialising she looks wrecked. This experience has changed people.

MagpieMary · 26/10/2021 10:15

The thing is , if you have a family you live with that isn’t so bad, however for those living alone or who have few friends, especially if you don’t work, it’s a very unnatural situation.

UndertonesOfCake · 26/10/2021 10:16

I've got a relative like this - though she's currently using covid as an excuse to dodge doing anything that might reasonably be expected of them Hmm

Apparently it's absolutely fine for me to go out and sort stuff, even though I'm CV, but they don't want to risk it for themselves - not CV!

User983590521 · 26/10/2021 10:18

@MagpieMary

But, if not now, when? Are you prepared to live like that forever?
Of course I don't want to live like it forever. I don't think the answer is to just chance it, out of impatience.
Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 10:19

@User983590521

Do you go out ONLY to supermarket and no where else. No walks etc?

Because this is what this person is doing. Won’t even meet outdoors

Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 10:21

Oh and I see you live with relatives
And one relative is vulnerable

This person lives alone
And neither she nor family are vulnerable

Hemingwayscats · 26/10/2021 11:03

My Gran is like this. She’s understandably worried because she’s in her mid seventies and she had cancer in 2019 but I honestly just find it so very sad. She never leaves the house at all, she hasn’t since February last year aside from getting her vaccines and going to the dentist. She won’t see anyone, we’ve visited but she just shouts at us through the window Sad. She’s wasting years of her precious life.

Onandoff · 26/10/2021 11:11

Holing yourself up while other people bring you things is a very privileged position. A lot of us have never been afforded any protection from this virus and we have just got on with it. When I hear about cases like this I’m quite glad I wasn’t able to shield myself.

UndertonesOfCake · 26/10/2021 11:21

@Onandoff

Holing yourself up while other people bring you things is a very privileged position. A lot of us have never been afforded any protection from this virus and we have just got on with it. When I hear about cases like this I’m quite glad I wasn’t able to shield myself.
This.

I'm fed up of the aforementioned relative disapproving of my not being able to hole myself up at home.

If I stayed at home I would literally have been homeless by now.

CruCru · 26/10/2021 11:38

The OP has not said that this person has said she is unhappy - just not seeing anyone. It may be that she would be really affronted to hear that someone thinks she has anxiety or mental health issues.

I think it’s important to invest in the friends who invest in us. If the OP has made the effort over and over - to the point that it’s making her sad - then it’s worth deciding where the cut off point is.

User983590521 · 26/10/2021 16:50

[quote Oftenithinkaboutit]@User983590521

Do you go out ONLY to supermarket and no where else. No walks etc?

Because this is what this person is doing. Won’t even meet outdoors[/quote]
I do go for walks in the country or in streets in a quiet town.
My friends have asked me why I don't want to meet up indoors and, as far as I can tell, have understood my reasons.
I don't think they are speculating about my 'social anxiety' or suchlike.

The OP's friend doesn't live alone. She lives with her parents, in their 60s, who have a higher risk just because of their age and who may have health conditions the OP doesn't know about.

OP, keep in touch with your friend and discuss the situation with her without criticism.
It would be unreasonable, in my opinion, to decide the friendship is over without trying to understand her viewpoint.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 16:53

Ah you still go out for walks and would be happy to meet friends for walks. That’s a crucial difference.

Badbadbunny · 26/10/2021 16:56

@Thefuturestory

She is shielding through choice btw. No medical issues for anyone.
How do you know? My OH has terminal cancer and hasn't told anyone except very close family. To his friends/colleagues and distant family, they wouldn't know any different. You really just don't know.

Anyway, why can't you just leave her alone and let her make her own decisions/choices?

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