Friend still shielding.

[Thefuturestory]

A friend of mine I haven’t seen in nearly two years. She lives with parents who are probably in their 60s.

She still isn’t going out apart from occasional supermarket trip. She’s still working from home.

I’ve suggested a coffee recently. She has declined. This is the latest in a lot of declines since lockdown happened.

Feeling a bit deflated. She’s really missing out on life.

My mum is a bit like this - tbh though, she's always been a bit antisocial so I think she likes the excuse of covid.

My friend is like this, still won't go anywhere indoors and even visit her family. It's so sad how its effected peoples mental health and are unable to move on.
I would wait for her to suggest things. Its so difficult though. I can only see my friend for walks in quiet places. I refuse to meet with my children as she makes her 5 year social distance with everyone too which I don't agree with, children need to play with their friends!

Here’s a thought..maybe she doesn’t want to meet you for coffee because she’s enjoying being alone and just spending time with her parents.

A lot of people have realised that they don’t actually want to spend time with their friends. Leave her be. She’s not missing out just because she doesn’t want to meet you for coffee.

Many introverts don’t want to be bothered by going out and meeting anyone and they are perfectly happy.

It amuses me that we jump to the conclusion that someone who enjoys being at home must have a healthy anxiety. We are at the stage in human history where everything must be medically diagnosed, instead of it just being that people are different and just want to be left alone.

It could be that maybe all of you saying how “sad” it is that your friend won’t come meet you it’s really your friend just doesn’t want to spend time with you.

Move on with your life and find new friends.. if this were a man not wanting to see you then many would say he’s not that into you and move on. Why can’t it also be the same for friends? Maybe your friends aren’t that into you. It’s not mental health all the time.. sometimes people just really don’t want to spend time with certain people.

The risk for her parents in their 60s is much higher than the risk for younger age groups.
Possibly she might have been going out more if she didn't have to think about their wellbeing too.

I am in a similar situation, living with a relative who has health issues and is more at risk than I am.
I know my mental health is deteriorating and I have definitely not become agoraphobic, but thinking of the possible consequences for her puts me off meeting up with people or doing anything normal apart from occasional shopping.

User983590521 has your relative had their vaccinations?

Some behaviours which would previously have garnered a lot of concern are now being normalised in a way that’s just not healthy. It’s absolutely not an “understandable approach” to be taking, almost 2 years on, as someone not CEV who can only be in their 40s at most (if her parents are in their 60s). It’s really sad, and must feel like you’ve lost a friend. Must admit at this point I think I’d just be stepping back and leaving her to it. Maybe check in every once in a while but there’s obviously some serious health anxiety going on and that’s really draining to try to support someone through, if they even want the support. If she doesn’t and thinks this is a normal or sensible response then it’s probably impossible.

I suggest you discuss the whole situation with her and how she feels about the idea of meeting up.
If she longs to see you but feels herself prevented from doing so by the situation, keep in touch in other ways.

Here’s a thought..maybe she doesn’t want to meet you for coffee because she’s enjoying being alone and just spending time with her parents

We're over 18 months into this. What kind of adult wants to spend 24/7 with their parents for the better part of two years?

DampSquid Yes. That doesn't mean there is no risk.

Can't say I blame her the rates are ridicuous and whilst vaccines help with impact I still don't want to be that ill

User983590521, I know I was just wondering when people will think it’s safe to go out. I know a few people who will only go to the shops for essentials and I do worry about them.

I worry about them too, and I'm one of them.

A lot of people are really messed up. I think the mental and emotional health problems are really significant for many.

Agreed. How on earth are these people going to get the medical/emotional help and support they need?

I've got one of these, I worry for her long term mental health, but it's ultimately her choice and not something I would try and unwrap / discuss unless we met in person. So I try not to take it personally and drop the offers of coffee in every so often so she knows I still want to be in touch.

It’s her choice, you are really being very unfeeling towards her

You may think she is missing out, she probably doesn’t and is quite happy

Just accept it and move on

Perhaps she put in lots of weight over lockdown and daren’t meet up for fear you’ll be shocked 🤷‍♀️

She’s not avoiding me, she’s avoiding EVERYONE!

She has become more introvert as the years have gone in and that’s fine. I think Covid has tapped into her hermit like tenancies. It’s a shame but her choice.

Honestly? I think this is one of those times when you have to decide how much you are prepared to invest and for how long. A friend who refuses point blank to meet you for 1/2/5 years ceases to be a friend, even if you were once really close.

I think that there may be people who emerge at some point who will be quite taken aback that others have moved on and have filled their lives with other people and activities.

@CruCru I think you’ve hit the nail right on head!

. A friend who refuses point blank to meet you for 1/2/5 years ceases to be a friend, even if you were once really close.

Totally disagree. This level of anxiety indicates a mental health illness.

I’d text and say

“Needless to say, I miss you, and I’m also worried about you. Just know that I’m here when you’re ready”

And then very now and then drop her a line or call just for a chat.

The thing is with the texting ‘I’m here when you’re ready’ etc, after a point it gets draining and can become a negative in your life.

@DampSquidGames

The thing is with the texting ‘I’m here when you’re ready’ etc, after a point it gets draining and can become a negative in your life.

Really?

A very close friend going through a mental health illness that essentially cuts her off from the outside world.

I’d be ok with dropping the odd message / call for a catch up and to let her know I’m here

I know people who have become very comfortable with this lifestyle of not seeing anyone and hardly going out

They don’t seem unhappy they have contact via phone/WhatsApp

I’m not sure it’s all anxiety led for some this new way of living suits them

@OhWhyNot

I know people who have become very comfortable with this lifestyle of not seeing anyone and hardly going out

They don’t seem unhappy they have contact via phone/WhatsApp

I’m not sure it’s all anxiety led for some this new way of living suits them

Agreed

But considering the OP actually knows this woman, it would indicate something is wrong

* I’m really worried about how her mental health is. Her parents are quite old fashioned and worry a lot. She’s barely seeing her sibling and her baby.*