At home all inclusive

[puginamug]

My friend's holiday has been cancelled at the last minute.

She is coming to stay with us or a couple of days instead.

I wanted to recreate the all inclusive experience for her, but I've never been on one!

What should I include.

I'm thinking buffet breakfast, lunch and drinks on the work surface.

It's more a gesture than anything else so can be as silly as you like!

Aqua gym, water polo and darts around the pool during the daytime. Also tennis tournaments but you may need to find a group of german/dutch tourists to take part in the more athletic activities.

Breakfast should include a salad of cold Brussel sprouts. Whilst you are not hungry and fancy a lie in, make sure you get to breakfast at the alloted time. Ditto lunch and dinner. One a la carte meal allowed, same food but not buffet.

After the mini disco then bingo called in 5 languages in the evening, you need a 70 year old playing a Casio keyboard and singing along to a 1980's backing track- preferably out of tune and English must not be their first language.

Make sure tour friend is interrupted on her sunbed for the hard sell -over priced spa treatments and days out to places that are really not that interesting. You will need a coach for these. You also need to book a day out at an extoriantly priced water park- make sure yoir bags are searched for water and snacks on the way in. Here you will spend a lot of time lining up on hot flagstones and listening to people shout at their children. For added bonus points sit right by the area where a group impossibly slim, tanned and beautiful eastern European teenagers prance about in front of you in their bikinis.

On her last day, make sure your friend is not travelling home until about 23:00 but chuck her out of her room at midday and cut off her wrist band.

Also go to your local market to haggle. Ask stall holders to call you 'lovely ladies with a wrinkly smile.

How much are you charging for this op? I'm happy to come and recreate the whole towel thing so she has no where to sit

Also desert roulette. In shot glasses or mini squares.

50% nice
59% just fucking weird

Delicious honey mini shredded wheat looking cakes.

Random cocktails and lots of rubbish wine!

You could definitely make money out of this .

• £8 for branded spirits
• £40 for a 20 minute foot massage.
• £80 to hire a 'cabana' in the garden (do you have a gazebo/tent you could whack up next to the paddling pool?)
• £15 per person per 'excursion' (trips to the local ye olde market town, farmers' market or working Victorian mill).

What a lovely friend you are

I am here for the Swan towel attempt!

Awwww you're an excellent friend

@YesitsBess

I am here for the Swan towel attempt!

I shall return with photos

On one all inclusive holiday i went on, the desert every day was varying flavours of angel delight made with UHT topped with soggy sugar puffs.

Take her out on a pub hunt to find one that has Only Fools & Horses on their TV and then complain loudly when egg and chips isn't on the menu.

Find a drunk Newcastle supporter to ensconse in your garden.

On an all inclusive I went on as a teen there was a drinks pool and this British elderly couple deigned to move the towel of a very young toned and tanned German couple. When the Germans came down to find "Stan and Vera" on their lounger it descended into a full on scrap in the pool area where Vera tried to push the German lady in the pool! The German couple were giving as good as they got. The argument then turned into screaming about WW2 and shouting Shnell

@Drinkyourweaklemondrink

Find a drunk Newcastle supporter to ensconse in your garden.

On an all inclusive I went on as a teen there was a drinks pool and this British elderly couple deigned to move the towel of a very young toned and tanned German couple. When the Germans came down to find "Stan and Vera" on their lounger it descended into a full on scrap in the pool area where Vera tried to push the German lady in the pool! The German couple were giving as good as they got. The argument then turned into screaming about WW2 and shouting Shnell

Hahaha who won in the end?

Op could you hire any mosquitoes? You need to bring out random snacks at 3pm. Trays of cocktail sausages, chicken nuggets or dry sponge cake cut into squares. Also there needs to be a mini bar in the room with coke Fanta and beer

Round up every cat and dog from your neighbourhood and then release them into the dining area everytime she tries to eat.

@puginamug you rock

Can you take her on a day trip somewhere, get her in the car and then sit on the drive with the engine running whilst you have a fag, take her to the destination for a whistle stop tour and then take her to one of your friends' houses who offers to sell her rugs or jewellery?

Get some blown up lilos to prop up against the wall in the lounge/bedroom. Put some sand on your hard floors so they feel a bit gritty.
Bread rolls in a basket on the table for every meal.
Coffee cups that are too small with a handle too small to get your fingers through.
Go to a forrin food shops and get bizarre flavour crisps and packets with funny and rude names on.

Have a selection of cheap, gaudy beach towels to hang out of all the upstairs windows.

Here's some Valentines swans - no idea how to make them though!

Wake her up at 6.30am each morning by hoovering outside her room whilst shouting 'Hola, Cleaning!'

I'm still chomping happily through the thread but have we already got 'one of those weird conveyer belt toaster thingies' on the list?

Make her line up while you cook an omelette for breakfast. She needs to point at random things in little white dishes to go into it, while you feign not understanding.

Oh and make a sign that says do not disturb on one side and please clean my room on the other.

I have no suggestions to add. Previous PPs have come up with some great ideas already. I just wanted to say that you sound like a fab friend.