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Original poster

MIL's neighbour yelled at DH tonight

89 replies

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 22/10/2021 21:52

Sorry this might be a long one, have NC also.

MIL has never been a very hygienic person – DH has said that this has been the case for as long as he can remember. The house he grew up in, where she still lives on her own (FIL died a decade ago) isn’t clean at all, is full of junk, smells badly of smoke etc and MIL herself never washes. DH plus his two sisters have tried in the past to speak to her about this and tried to help with tidying but it was always met with ‘just leave it!’ or ‘why are you bothering to do that?’ She fell out with SIL once when she got the vacuum out and tried to hoover the filthy carpet. It might be worth point out that Mil doesn’t have a great relationship with any of her children as she is a bit of a difficult character. I have minimal contact with her for reasons I wont go into here.

For the past year or so MIL’s health has been declining, she started having falls and issues with incontinence, then had a heart attack earlier this year and has since developed heart failure. When she was in hospital recovering DH and one of his sisters were in her house almost daily to clean the place up. It took about three weeks and he hardly spent any time with the kids or myself as he was so occupied with this (I didn’t grudge it, I knew it needed done). She now has carers coming in daily. DH works set days on a hospital ward and on his days off he will go and get her food shopping, give things a tidy up etc. If she has a hospital appointment and he is off work that day he takes her to them.

MIL has quite a few neighbours who have helped her out with various things over the years when DH hasn’t been able to, and one of these neighbours took MIL to a hospital appointment today. She had a fall at the hospital, went to the A&E as she hurt her shoulder and now has a sling on her arm – she was recommended to stay overnight for observation but refused. Once she got home, the neighbour called DH, who was just finishing work. He drove over there only for the neighbour to start having a real go at him, accusing him of being neglectful and it was a disgrace that he allowed his mum to live in a filthy house. Apparently this neighbour has been doing a lot for MIL (which DH didn’t realise) and she said to him she’s struggling to keep doing it and is angry that it’s ‘all been left to her’. But DH didn’t even know she had been helping her so much! Neighbour then said he can’t go off and leave his mum on her own tonight.

DH called to tell me this and he sounded upset on the phone – he doesn’t do well with confrontation. He was supposed to be working at 730am tomorrow but has called in to say he will be staying overnight with MIL and won’t make it in. I’m so pissed off at this neighbour and her judgement of my DH. She lives in a very naice middle class bubble where things like this don’t happen to her family so probably doesn’t ‘get it’ that MIL has chosen to live this way for years despite her children trying to offer help and speak to her about it. Was she being unfair on DH? I think this might be the start of a further decline with MIL, not sure if she will end up in a care home at this rate.

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 22/10/2021 22:19

Yes, she was definitely being unfair to your husband. If your MIL has capacity to make her own decisions about maintaining her hygiene and environment, then no one can force her to behave differently.

MsDidoTwite · 22/10/2021 22:33

Maybe a quiet word with the neighbour? Thank her for her help, to explain the situation and pass on your contact details.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 22/10/2021 22:42

WhoWants2Know I think this is what the neighbour doesn't get, that people just choose to live differently and you can't really change them. Another one of DHs neighbours took him aside when he saw him cleaning out her house and basically told him that this is how she wants to live and there's no changing that. He definitely understood.
MsDidoTwite it turns out she has had DHs contact details for some time but only used them tonight. If she was feeling put upon, why not contact him before now?

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Maxstrong · 22/10/2021 22:54

The neighbour can just piss off. The responsibility for the quality of the relationship between a person and their children lies with that person and not their children. I get the impression your DH thinks she wasn't a good mother. Your DH does help her but he does not have to just because she is his 'mother'. Her neighbour should behave himself/herself.

candycane222 · 22/10/2021 23:04

Well to be fair, the neighbour may have thought dh knew all about how they'd been helping. Presumably they thought MiL would have told him. Who knows, Mil may even have gone along with suggestions that your dh was 'neglectful' so sounds more like plain misunderstanding and concern (albeit based on misunderstanding) for MiL.

The fact that Mil allow s neighbour in to help butbfobs off her own kids is revealing though. Does she enjoy playing the victim? Does she enjoy - even encourage- the neighbours outrage, I wonder?

LanisHouseLot · 22/10/2021 23:06

I suspect the neighbour is not enjoying the situation they feel they have got themselves into (helping a struggling neighbour and feeling they cannot withdraw support) and took it out on your DH as it feels to them like they are doing 'his' job. Of course that's not true, but it's hard taking on any kind of carer role so their perspective is understandable even if it is unreasonable. I'd go for a nice card through the door thanking them for all their help and explaining that actually your help has mostly been rejected and the current lifestyle is how she's always chosen to live. That they needn't feel obliged to care for her because you are in touch and dealing with things much more than is visible, but thanks again for everything, it's very touching that they have cared.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 22/10/2021 23:08

Maxstrong you're right, I think she was neglectful as a parent. His oldest sister has next to no relationship with her, she can go months without seeing or speaking to her and it's been that way for years. However, I worry about the effect all this will have on DH, his mood is sometimes a bit low when he comes back from her house as it is.

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Motnight · 22/10/2021 23:14

I too wonder whether the neighbour has been providing a huge amount of support, with MIL saying that she gets no help from anyone else.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 22/10/2021 23:17

candycane222 that may well be the case and it might reveal itself in the future. One of my SILs is quite outspoken and she may well have a word with neighbour about it all. Re her playing the victim, it could be possible. I've been wary of her for years as she was bitching about her friends behind their backs but was happy to use them for various things eg lifts to places. So it might be that she's been complaining about DH in some way to others.

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Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 08:16

Hi just wanted to update for those of you who replied, thanks for the advice you gave.
So DH hasn't been home since Friday morning, it turns out his mum has broken a bone (though apparently she is refusing to tell DH which bone it is ) and her mobility isn't great - she needed a lot of help to get up and down the stairs so he can't leave her as she's a massive falls risk (her bathroom is upstairs).

He's called the carers to see about an increase in visits and he's going to call the social worker and OT tomorrow. SIL has offered to have MIL to stay with her until she gets toileting equipment etc but MIL is refusing, so now DH is stuck there as he can't leave her on her own.

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Puppermam · 24/10/2021 08:23

You're being really unfair to the neighbour sniping about her middle class bubble. It's not her responsibility to spend so much time looking after MIL and she's clearly resentful of feeling like if she doesn't keep an eye on her nobody else will. Whatever your dh and his siblings are doing, clearly it's not enough and it's time to look into more help for MIL whether she wants it or not. Contact social services and ask for a needs assessment.

AtlasPine · 24/10/2021 08:29

@Puppermam

This post is terribly unfair.

The MIL is being selfish and possibly manipulative. If she has full agency then there is nothing her son can do over that which he is already doing - frankly, she’s lucky to have that. The neighbour really doesn’t know the full picture and whilst she has chosen to help, she has no right to assign blame without full understanding of the situation.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 08:35

Puppermam maybe I am being unfair, but we didn't know this was the situation - she has had DHs number for a while, why didn't she contact him before now? DH didn't even know MIL had an appointment on Friday, he only found out after neighbour called him. He saw her on Monday and she never said anything to him about it.

But yes, she does need to have her needs reassessed. When she left the hospital after her MI she was deemed to be safe on the stairs so wasn't recommended for downstairs living, a commode etc.

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JuneOsborne · 24/10/2021 08:35

Ah, this all sounds dreadful.

But, one thing that I get from your posts is that your DH is lovely, and it sounds like you have got his back. Doubly lovely.

The neighbour is out of order, but possibly coming from a good place. If the mil is manipulative and gives them one side of a story, the neighbour sees the state of the place and is doing quite a lot to help, you can kind of understand where she is coming from. However, that said, it's naive of her to jump straight in and have a go.

I'd be tempted to have a word with her and tell her that you agree the house is a state, but what you doesn't know is my mil is a pita, who objects to cleaning it up and was a neglectful mother that the the now-adult children have forgiven her for, but it has long lasting implications and now you have a run down of it all, I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.

Chloemol · 24/10/2021 08:35

@Puppermam

Re read the post. They already do a lot for someone who appears very manipulative and has to.d the neighbour untruths

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 08:44

Thank you AtlasPine.

JuneOsborne yes DH is lovely (most of the time 😁) and it is good that he's helping especially when he has always had a difficult relationship with his mum.

I'm now worrying about the wider implications of this situation from a selfish POV. DH isn't due back to work til Thursday but I'm a full time student plus I'm meant to be working tomorrow at 830. DHs sister works Monday to Friday. I've been with the kids all weekend but I can see our wider lives being affected. My DSis has offered to help which is great but it's not sustainable in the long term.

OP posts:

Duckrace · 24/10/2021 08:51

The responsibility for the quality of the relationship between a person and their children lies with that person and not their children.

Not true. It lies with both.

But YANBU and she doesn't seem likely to change. Is a social care referral a possibility?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 24/10/2021 08:54

I absolutely would not be having this and if I were you I would be going round to politely but firmly put the neighbour straight.

NOTANUM · 24/10/2021 09:06

The neighbour took MIL to hospital, possibly sat for hours, then had to bring him a woman who refused treatment to a less than ideal situation. I would consider her rant as worry about MIL concern she might have to step in even more in future and possibly panic that she did the right thing by bringing her home. It sounds like she and others have been doing more than the family thinks. I wouldn't be as tough on her.
Anyhow your husband is now stepping into the role of full-time carer as his mum is refusing other options. It's clear that suits her but no-one else.
Sadly he's going to have to be tough and explain to social care that she can't cope alone and needs more carers or go into residential care. I think you're also going to have to spell that out clearly to him.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 09:06

Yes I feeling something does need to be said to the neighbour, I don't think it's right that she has this perception of DH in particular of being an uncaring son. The neighbour can be aggressive in manner (have met her once and she was pretty 'off' with me, I think MIL might have been talking about me behind my back) so I might just do the card and letter route instead.

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Duckrace · 24/10/2021 09:08

Apologies @NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch , I see you have contacted a social worker.

One point I would make is that people are responsible for their own decisions. Your mil is making her own decisions, but the neighbour is nor accepting responsibility for hers (which is to fill in the care gap, and also clean up because of her own comfort levels). She can choose not to. Your DH has to ultimately make a decision about how much care and time he has available to his mum, relative to his own needs, plus his family and job. It's not likely the situation is in any way sustainable.

I should think a weekly cleaner is needed, if not a care home place. Mil may well refuse one. And there is the issue of payment. But ultimately it is her job to decide (and own the consequences) and the job of your DH to support, as far as he is realistically able.

MzHz · 24/10/2021 09:14

The neighbour is doing this from a kind place, she knows how MIL is living is awful

I definitely would call her and explain, and ask the neighbour how I could help HER because what she’s doing is very kind, definitely not her responsibility but understood why she’s doing it. You’re all on the same side actually

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 09:17

NOTAMUM I agree that the this incident would have been too much for the neighbour - it's been the case for years that MIL has got the neighbours to help her with things that she doesn't really need help with, even when she was fully able bodied eg giving her lifts to places when we live in an area with great public transport. But it's now at the stage where she's a liability on her feet and will probably have to get hospital transport on the days DH can't help (but I can see her fighting this option and trying to rope other people into helping her).

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Duckrace · 24/10/2021 09:17

That's true.

Original poster

NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch · 24/10/2021 09:22

I'm not sure if we need to be speaking now to these helpful neighbours to say they shouldn't help her outdoors if she calls them for a lift to appointments - the neighbour likely got a massive fright and I don't want that inflicted on other people tbh, it's not fair on them.

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