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Original poster

Recruiter said my eye contact was terrible

82 replies

SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:34

… and now I’ve completely forgotten how to act normally.

Applied for a job via a recruiter and he asked to meet for a coffee as a pre-screening meeting. He is retained by the company, ie he is not a third party recruiter, so ultimately will be recommending who to bring forward for interview.

I don’t know whether its 19 months of zoom, isolation at home, or my self-consciousness/shyness, but he said my eye contact betrayed me. I’m acutely aware I’m not good at it, and veer from flitting around the room to intense stare (I’ve noticed this about myself on zoom, so he’s not wrong.)

How can I fix this in the next five days?! Interview Tuesday, and he’s asked me to work on it.

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do Shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

I’m great with a big faceless audience, and a confident presenter, but one on one … I’m ‘intense’ Confused

I take this as constructive but now I’ve to deal with it. I’ve never been great at eye contact. The eyes are ‘the window to the soul’ and I quite like keeping my soul private, thank you very much.

Suggestions or tips??

OP posts:
Enterifyoudare · 20/10/2021 23:37

He's full of shit. I don't have a cat and I behave like a "cat person".

How much one to one, friendly raport building will you actually be doing in work?

Hullbilly · 20/10/2021 23:41

What about those who have a cat and a dog?

0blio · 20/10/2021 23:41

cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

Sorry, but this is me Grin I've always had a problem with eye contact, it just feels too intimate sometimes. If I have to, I look somewhere around the person's eyes but not straight at them.

Good luck with the interview!

immersivereader · 20/10/2021 23:42

What about the petless?

Original poster
SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:46

@Enterifyoudare

He's full of shit. I don't have a cat and I behave like a "cat person".

How much one to one, friendly raport building will you actually be doing in work?

It’s a senior marketing role. I’m great with people, I’m not good at first impressions. I’ve been on national radio but I’d be dreadful on telly.
OP posts:
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 20/10/2021 23:46

What a load of bull. I've always maintained eye contact in interviews and am really good at it but I have a cat

Original poster
SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:47

@0blio

cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

Sorry, but this is me Grin I've always had a problem with eye contact, it just feels too intimate sometimes. If I have to, I look somewhere around the person's eyes but not straight at them.

Good luck with the interview!

Yes, thank you. It’s the intimacy that makes me feel awkward. I can present to a room of 500 but not one on one across a table.
OP posts:
Original poster
SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:50

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

What a load of bull. I've always maintained eye contact in interviews and am really good at it but I have a cat
I actually believe him, because I know it’s an honest observation. The cat/dog thing is an analogy he used, but I felt seen (and didn’t like it, so I felt like a long sullen nap.)
OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 20/10/2021 23:54

Posters need to stop focussing on the cat/dog thing. It isnt the point.

The actual point is that OP cant do casual eye contact so is either flitting her eyes around the room or hard staring at the person. That part isnt nonsense just because the guy made a silly analogy. Ignore the cat/dog thing and give advice on the actual point of the post.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:54

Thanks ^

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 20/10/2021 23:55

He's horrible. Incidentally, it's also quite discriminatory against neurodiverse people to require eye contact for a job that can be done without it, especially if you're good with people in your daily life.

My DD has SEN and struggles with eye contact, and one of the tips she's been given is to look a the bridge of people's noses - less stressful but feels to people that you're looking. Could that work?

Ultimately though, he's representing the business, and if they've chosen an arse, it might also tell you something about them.

NotMyCat · 20/10/2021 23:59

Agree with looking at the bridge of nose!
I stopped making eye contact, and couldn't do it with anyone. No idea when it started or why but I actually had about 9 months of counselling, on the last session she was smiling and said "you are looking at me when you speak now"
It became more natural after that and I haven't had issues with it since but it was becoming a really big issue for me Thanks

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2021 00:13

Eye contact is objectively weird in an interview - I’ve conducted several 1-1 interviews this week and it’s awkward as an interviewer too.

Is your interview 1-1 or panel/more than 1 person? A panel or multiple people can be easier to flit your gaze around.

Bridge of nose is a great tip. Most people aren’t expecting the full-on-gaze levels of intensity. Practically, make sure you have water and a pen and paper. These are useful to look at sometimes/distract if you feel the ‘Intense gaze’ has come upon you!

Good luck. It’s fine to feel weird about it, honestly. Is there anyone you can practise with?

Time40 · 21/10/2021 00:17

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare

What a load of absolute bollocks! This chap sounds like he was saying the first stupid thing that came into his head. Honestly, OP, I don't think his opinion about anything is worth taking seriously after saying something so daft.

Many years ago, when I was young, I went for a job interview via an agency. I didn't get it, and the recruiter told me afterwards that the interviewer had said she thought I was very, very nervous. That was news to me, as I hadn't been in the least bit nervous - I don't get nervous in interviews. I just brushed it off as being a weird, random thing - and no one has ever said that to me since. Just brush it off, OP - it was most probably complete rubbish.

safariboot · 21/10/2021 00:17

"That's how I am, and I'll be the same next Tuesday. If you're going to disqualify me for that then you might as well not waste my time with the interview."

Do you have the confidence, and luxury of not needing the job, to say that?

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 00:21

I’m not sure whether it is my lack of confidence or my acute self-awareness, but I do believe him, and I do think he’s trying to help me get the gig.

To the poster who asked, he is the retained recruiter for this company, and has been for 10+ years. I think he wants me to succeed, and is trying to give me the best chance to get the job.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 21/10/2021 00:24

There must be a YouTube training video out there for this?

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 00:25

@safariboot

"That's how I am, and I'll be the same next Tuesday. If you're going to disqualify me for that then you might as well not waste my time with the interview."

Do you have the confidence, and luxury of not needing the job, to say that?

The short answer is no. I know I need work to get the next job, and excellent a marketer as I am, I have difficulty promoting myself.

It’s a role slightly above a salary level I was at pre-kids, and it’s taken a long time to get back here (11 years SAHM, dreadful divorce, and many rings of the ladder climbed back up.)

OP posts:
KloppsTeeth · 21/10/2021 00:35

I have always been great at eye contact but my son has ASD and naturally can’t do it. I have been training him for when he might to, which he asked me to do before anyone jumps in.
It is a combination of looking at the bridge of their nose, where they can’t tell the difference between that and eye contact, and then mirroring their moves on the eye contact length.
Some people will glance away briefly more often than others, so I try to copy how often they look away. It seems to work well, but I am quite practiced at it now. Perhaps try it?
Smile slightly when you’re talking which makes your eyes seem more smiley, which tones down any fear of intense stare.
Good luck, I really hope you get the job.

Frazzledd · 21/10/2021 00:36

Out of interest, does this happen when your having a conversation with a friend/someone you know/feel comfortable with?

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 00:39

@Frazzledd

Out of interest, does this happen when your having a conversation with a friend/someone you know/feel comfortable with?
Yes, it does. But I can’t remember if it was always this way. Divorce wrecked me, and totally skewed my normal interactions. I’m now much more … I’m not sure if awkward is the word, but it seems to be.
OP posts:
Frazzledd · 21/10/2021 00:41

@KloppsTeeth

I have always been great at eye contact but my son has ASD and naturally can’t do it. I have been training him for when he might to, which he asked me to do before anyone jumps in. It is a combination of looking at the bridge of their nose, where they can’t tell the difference between that and eye contact, and then mirroring their moves on the eye contact length. Some people will glance away briefly more often than others, so I try to copy how often they look away. It seems to work well, but I am quite practiced at it now. Perhaps try it? Smile slightly when you’re talking which makes your eyes seem more smiley, which tones down any fear of intense stare. Good luck, I really hope you get the job.
That's great advice, ignore me! I was going to suggest something similar!
LanisHouseLot · 21/10/2021 00:42

I was always told 3 seconds looking at their left eye, then 3 seconds at their right eye, then 3 seconds looking at their chin. Rinse and repeat. It apparently gives the right amount of break from eye contact, but without staring away from them completely, and the moving between the eyes breaks up the hard intense stare thing. I can't vouch for it though because I hate eye contact t and avoid at all costs!

faithfulbird20 · 21/10/2021 00:42

I hope he doesn't get paid to be a rude twat. What an a hole!

courtslou · 21/10/2021 00:43

@SarahDippity

… and now I’ve completely forgotten how to act normally.

Applied for a job via a recruiter and he asked to meet for a coffee as a pre-screening meeting. He is retained by the company, ie he is not a third party recruiter, so ultimately will be recommending who to bring forward for interview.

I don’t know whether its 19 months of zoom, isolation at home, or my self-consciousness/shyness, but he said my eye contact betrayed me. I’m acutely aware I’m not good at it, and veer from flitting around the room to intense stare (I’ve noticed this about myself on zoom, so he’s not wrong.)

How can I fix this in the next five days?! Interview Tuesday, and he’s asked me to work on it.

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do Shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

I’m great with a big faceless audience, and a confident presenter, but one on one … I’m ‘intense’ Confused

I take this as constructive but now I’ve to deal with it. I’ve never been great at eye contact. The eyes are ‘the window to the soul’ and I quite like keeping my soul private, thank you very much.

Suggestions or tips??

I work in recruitment and that is not constructive criticism that's just criticism, there is a lot of learning to do with people slowly getting back into society & I can tell you that you're not the only job seeker that is struggling with interviews and pre screens, if you want to chat or get some tips, do some mock interviews via zoom or anything please let me know and I'd love to help, I hate seeing everyone struggle to get back into work. I'm here to help x
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