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Original poster

Recruiter said my eye contact was terrible

82 replies

SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:34

… and now I’ve completely forgotten how to act normally.

Applied for a job via a recruiter and he asked to meet for a coffee as a pre-screening meeting. He is retained by the company, ie he is not a third party recruiter, so ultimately will be recommending who to bring forward for interview.

I don’t know whether its 19 months of zoom, isolation at home, or my self-consciousness/shyness, but he said my eye contact betrayed me. I’m acutely aware I’m not good at it, and veer from flitting around the room to intense stare (I’ve noticed this about myself on zoom, so he’s not wrong.)

How can I fix this in the next five days?! Interview Tuesday, and he’s asked me to work on it.

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do Shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

I’m great with a big faceless audience, and a confident presenter, but one on one … I’m ‘intense’ Confused

I take this as constructive but now I’ve to deal with it. I’ve never been great at eye contact. The eyes are ‘the window to the soul’ and I quite like keeping my soul private, thank you very much.

Suggestions or tips??

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 21/10/2021 00:46

I’d suggest he do some diversity/inclusion/disability training.

Autistic dd does the bridge of the nose trick but luckily her workplace recognise that some people find eye contact difficult.

KloppsTeeth · 21/10/2021 00:46

@courtslou What a lovely offer. Flowers

Frazzledd · 21/10/2021 00:51

@SarahDippity Have you looked in to EMDR? I've just seen your update, considering what you've been through it sounds to me like social anxiety? Our eyes tend to 'flit' when our brains are working a battle against, which also makes maintaining any sort of eye contact without looking like a Deer in the headlights near impossible, we don't want anyone to actually 'see' what we're feeling!

courtslou · 21/10/2021 01:25

[quote KloppsTeeth]@courtslou What a lovely offer. Flowers[/quote]
A lot of people are missing out on employment because the recruitment pre screeners aren't giving them a chance, they are only seeing the negatives and telling jobseekers they aren't doing it properly rather than saying things like" hey you did really well with that answer, let's try that again with just a little more eye contact, if that makes you uncomfortable that's ok, let's look at the top of the head" THAT is constructive feedback and helpful, you have given a positive and a suggestion not a negative and a forced solution.

I work with people who have varying disabilities to find employment, from Down syndrome to anxiety and everything in between, I'm passionate about education and positive reinforcement, often the employer will see something the recruiter didn't

I could go on about this for ages haha sorry

BlackeyedSusan · 21/10/2021 01:39

Look somewhere at the middle of the forehead if you can.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 02:02

A technique not to try....

Watch "Ross Geller Cant Do Eye Contact!" on YouTube

1forAll74 · 21/10/2021 02:02

I have three cats, and they are always staring at me if they are not asleep.. which means I am looking at them,if I know they are staring at me.

Gilead · 21/10/2021 02:07

Personally I think he should be fired. He’s obviously not an expert even if he thinks he is. He sounds rude and obstructive.
I have retired from a senior role. I too can lecture to 500 people. I can manage a person in a room too, all this without ever making eye contact.
I made eye contact with a bloke Ive known for three years last night. Total accident. My eyes still feel odd!

mdh2020 · 21/10/2021 06:50

Concentrate on looking at the person who asked you a question and look at them all the time you are answering. Always look at the person who is talking to you. Not looking at them makes you look as if you are bored or uninterested in what is being said. You wouldn’t like to talk to someone who instead of looking you , is looking round the room.
Practice on a friend.

UselessASD · 21/10/2021 07:02

The cat/dog thing may be rubbish but eye contact is important. I have ASD and it makes difference. That might be unconscious bias that shouldn’t happen due to neuro diversity but that won’t happen in the next 5 days.

I’m going to try the chin or bridge of the nose.

CardiganAddict · 21/10/2021 07:05

Hate stuff like this. I'm deaf so I never make eye contact because I'm busy looking at people's mouths.
I also found out that eye contact is an English (English speaking culture) thing. I had an interesting conversation at work with a colleague who said it's considered rude where she was from.
Not sure how this might help though.

garlictwist · 21/10/2021 07:05

I am also rubbish at eye contact. What I do in situations like job interviews is look at the people I am talking to, or at least make it seem that my eyes are on them, but really I am not focusing and kind of making them go a bit blurry.

ComDummings · 21/10/2021 07:09

I also struggle with eye contact, I also find looking at the bridge of the nose helps. Other than that it’s something you have to train into yourself. It’s definitely been a conscious effort for me to make eye contact. I don’t even know why.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 07:17

@NotMyCat

Agree with looking at the bridge of nose! I stopped making eye contact, and couldn't do it with anyone. No idea when it started or why but I actually had about 9 months of counselling, on the last session she was smiling and said "you are looking at me when you speak now" It became more natural after that and I haven't had issues with it since but it was becoming a really big issue for me Thanks
Wouldn't that make you look cross eyed?
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 07:18

I hate looking at people in the eye I'm basically antisocial and don't like people much. My job is perfect for that, I'm looking at their feet for 30 minutes and then they're gone, I can flash them a smile on the way out.

bestcattoyintheworld · 21/10/2021 07:24

I'm autistic and can struggle with eye contact and that interviewer is very ignorant and offensive. Many people struggle with eye contact and it is discriminatory to reject people on this basis without possessing the full knowledge regarding why they're struggling - shyness, neurodiversity, lack of social contact, introverted, mental health difficulties etc.

He is a complete arse. The cat and dog thing is just stupid. Cat owners do tend to be more introverted, but it is discriminatory to arbitrarily reject introverts.

FlamingoYellow · 21/10/2021 07:27

I have ASD and so have always struggled with eye contact. A trick I learned from a magazine years ago was to maintain eye contact when the other person is talking to you but when you are talking to them you need to take little glances away as you're speaking.

OtterAndDog · 21/10/2021 07:29

In all honesty he sounds like an idiot.

Yet still, take on his comments about eye contact but don't stress yourself and try to entirely change how you interact with people. If you're a bit shy or reserved then that's okay, as long as you still come across as friendly and approachable then that's the main thing.

hopeishere · 21/10/2021 07:29

I'm shit at eye contact. One of my colleagues is obsessed with people being able to make good eye contact (it's relevant to our work).

I'm the one with my eyes flirting about the room. It feels wide to look into someone's eyes all the time.

Animood · 21/10/2021 07:30

Recruitment consultants can be ok.

This one sounds like an absolute twat.

Ditch him and get a better one.

Fetarabbit · 21/10/2021 07:31

Ah a recruiter talking a load of crap, quelle surprise!

SallyOMalley · 21/10/2021 07:37

What a prat!

I do admire you ability to present to and manage a room full of people. I hate that and I'm really uncomfortable with public speaking. Because i can't look at everyone directly, I panic that I don't know they're thinking or how I'm coming across. It makes me feel very vulnerable.

Chuck me into a room of strangers, though, and I can work the room striking up conversation with individuals and have their life story before the night is out Wink

PeterPomegranate · 21/10/2021 07:39

www.verywellmind.com/how-do-i-maintain-good-eye-contact-3024392

Some helpful advice here. Also supports something I’ve heard before that the listener looks at the talker more than the talker looks at the listener.

As an interviewer I try not to privilege eye contact over other evidence that the candidate can build rapport. Because I know it doesn’t come naturally to everyone, including people who are neurodiverse.

I also know that feeling of overthinking in an interview (thinking about what they’re thinking) because that happens to me too, especially because I do quite a lot of interviewing myself. I don’t have a magic answer except to focus on the questions and put your best self forward.

Good luck xx

SheWoreYellow · 21/10/2021 07:48

Looking that their bridge of nose, not yours, Shehasadiamondinthesky

Usually when you look at someone, you’re only looking at one eye, not both. You’re not close enough for this to make you look cross eyed.

I was going to wonder if it’s a bit easier if you are as far away as possible. Only as far as looks ok though.

I just have to push through my discomfort and make myself have eye contact. And then I have to consciously make myself look away.

I might not find it as hard as you though. Perhaps practice with friends first.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/10/2021 08:00

I'm too busy lipreading to be arsed with their eyes, so I'd be more likely to critique the number of times his lips barely moved, he turned to the side or put his hands up and obscured words. Or he's pretty much homed in on you like a snake focusing on its prey/typical salesman body language.