Recruiter said my eye contact was terrible

[SarahDippity]

… and now I’ve completely forgotten how to act normally.

Applied for a job via a recruiter and he asked to meet for a coffee as a pre-screening meeting. He is retained by the company, ie he is not a third party recruiter, so ultimately will be recommending who to bring forward for interview.

I don’t know whether its 19 months of zoom, isolation at home, or my self-consciousness/shyness, but he said my eye contact betrayed me. I’m acutely aware I’m not good at it, and veer from flitting around the room to intense stare (I’ve noticed this about myself on zoom, so he’s not wrong.)

How can I fix this in the next five days?! Interview Tuesday, and he’s asked me to work on it.

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do ) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

I’m great with a big faceless audience, and a confident presenter, but one on one … I’m ‘intense’

I take this as constructive but now I’ve to deal with it. I’ve never been great at eye contact. The eyes are ‘the window to the soul’ and I quite like keeping my soul private, thank you very much.

Suggestions or tips??

Tell him to fuck off. This shit really annoys me. Does less eye contact mean you'd be shit at the job??

My autistic dd can't do eye contact at all and hearing this kind of thing really makes me worry that no one will ever employ her when she has so much to give.

Can I share with you my experience? My dad has aspergers - never looked me in the eye until I was about 38 and only after I told my mum I thought he had aspergers and he decided he didn't want to have aspergers so he made an effort to stop talking to walls and look people in the eye.
What I learnt in my 40s was that as a family we never really made eye contact. What we did was make face contact - I had learnt to loook at people's faces rather than connect with them in the eye.
So I tried it - actually looking eye to eye. And it was amazing - suddenly I was included in group conversations where I was usually the quiet one waiting to speak but never finding the right spot to jump in.
So now if I want to bond with someone as a friend - and if I can remember - early when I meet them I connect with their eyes a couple of times. I then go back to face watching as that's what I am used to.
I do think he is right. Although as others have said you can technically look at the bridge of people's noses.

whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

What bollocks! You should have said "No, but I have a Vietnamese pot bellied pig",

@OverTheRubicon

He's horrible. Incidentally, it's also quite discriminatory against neurodiverse people to require eye contact for a job that can be done without it, especially if you're good with people in your daily life.

My DD has SEN and struggles with eye contact, and one of the tips she's been given is to look a the bridge of people's noses - less stressful but feels to people that you're looking. Could that work?

Ultimately though, he's representing the business, and if they've chosen an arse, it might also tell you something about them.

Thank goodness, I just came on to say the same @OverTheRubicon - OP that recruiter is completely ignorant to talk about your eye contact clearly with zero knowledge of behaviours other than neurotypical. There are also cultures that don't accept eye contact as the norm. I would be yourself and don't allow his negativity to affect how you decide to engage at interview. Express yourself in your own way and don't let anyone dictate your unique communication style. Focus on your skills and experience and show the interviewer how you can add value to their organisation.

Just thought I’d update on my second interview. I’m on the recruiter’s shortlist and he wanted to prep me to meet the director, which will happen in the next two weeks.

We ran through some questions today and (I was a bit unprepared) it was to coach me for interview. I genuinely think he’s trying to get the best out of me, and feels I’m quite reserved and guarded, and hide the ‘passion’ that will be the difference on getting v not getting through. I told him I was working on the eye contact thing, and he feels my tension and self-consciousness means I’m visibly trying very hard, but just not letting my personality shine through.

I find the feedback both helpful and challenging. I will have to lean into a different part of my personality (the bit that I wouldn’t normally reveal until it’s safe professionally you do so, like humour, levity, etc.) These are soft skills I know I have, but I find it hard to relax the focus to bring my winning ways to the forefront.

I know there have been many comments on the recruiter’s possible lack of empathy or understanding for neuro-atypical people, and that may well be true. There’s a bit of a paternal dynamic at play, and that, despite his well-meant intentions, makes me role up a bit and over-prove the credentials.

I suppose what I’m trying to get across is he knows I have the skill set and competencies, or he wouldn’t still be putting me forward, but I’m not - yet - delivering in the face to face, and that’s down to me.

Just to add, there were 140+ applicants for the role. So competition will be stiff. It’s a senior marketing role attached to an iconic and fairly unique business, and the position has only come up twice on the last 20 years.

Good luck - it sounds brilliant that you’ve got this far and I think it does sound like the recruiter is on your side. I’m guessing if the role only comes up every decade the recruitment is really important to them to get right, and perhaps that it’s a specific ‘fit’ the owner/boss/director looks for and responds to.

I’d also assume the director has been well briefed by the recruiter and trusts their judgement, and if he likes you and thinks you’re a good bet he’ll have communicated that.

So can you treat this meeting with the director as more of a conversation with an interesting colleague rather than someone you need to impress? Would that help take the pressure off the ‘proving yourself’ aspect and allow you to relax a bit? The hard work is done - this is a conversation to see if you both like each other, if you get along…