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Original poster

Recruiter said my eye contact was terrible

82 replies

SarahDippity · 20/10/2021 23:34

… and now I’ve completely forgotten how to act normally.

Applied for a job via a recruiter and he asked to meet for a coffee as a pre-screening meeting. He is retained by the company, ie he is not a third party recruiter, so ultimately will be recommending who to bring forward for interview.

I don’t know whether its 19 months of zoom, isolation at home, or my self-consciousness/shyness, but he said my eye contact betrayed me. I’m acutely aware I’m not good at it, and veer from flitting around the room to intense stare (I’ve noticed this about myself on zoom, so he’s not wrong.)

How can I fix this in the next five days?! Interview Tuesday, and he’s asked me to work on it.

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do Shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

I’m great with a big faceless audience, and a confident presenter, but one on one … I’m ‘intense’ Confused

I take this as constructive but now I’ve to deal with it. I’ve never been great at eye contact. The eyes are ‘the window to the soul’ and I quite like keeping my soul private, thank you very much.

Suggestions or tips??

OP posts:
wombatspoopcubes · 21/10/2021 08:03

I think that it's absolutely shitty to select people on such things as eye contact. If you're good at your job and a pleasant person to work with than that should be enough.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/10/2021 08:06

Just a an aside, if the interview is remote you don't need to look at them at all. Just make meaningful eye contact with your Web cam lens! I have been known to put post it notes on my screen so I can check notes without it looking like I'm looking away!

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 11:02

This is all very helpful, thank you. Good tips.

I don’t like seeing myself on video calls and don’t really like having my photo taken. Just acutely self-conscious in the last few years.

It isn’t my first job after being a SAHM, but it’s a ‘big jump’ job.

OP posts:
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/10/2021 11:30

Can you turn your own video off? I get very distracted by mine, I know

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/10/2021 11:30

(Just for you, I mean, so they can still see you)

Pluspoints · 21/10/2021 11:41

Try looking just above their eyes ie eyebrows. People can't tell the difference.

ShaneTheThird · 21/10/2021 11:43

This makes zero sense to me. So either you look away from someone's eyes too much or you stare at their eyes too much. So either way you are wrong. Weird. Also what about people like me who have cats but don't like them Grin where do we fit into the whole staring thing?

Goldenbear · 21/10/2021 11:54

I don't have great advice but feel your pain, I can look at people in the eye but I've been told I look like I am taken by surprise or cartoon style shocked, it helps me concentrate as I can have moments of being absent and haven't taken in what people have said. I do often get asked if I'm ok as obviously do it when I'm standing and staring.

I have Guinea Pigs but I don't look and week at people- i think his pet analysis is utter rubbish!!

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 12:01

I have a dog and 2 cats. My eye contact must be all over the place!

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 12:09

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep

Can you turn your own video off? I get very distracted by mine, I know
I do this for meetings; it changed my Zoom life!

The interview will be face to face.

OP posts:
Marelle · 21/10/2021 12:13

I’m afraid I would point out that he’s discriminating against disabled people who may be neurodiverse and struggle with eye contact, but are perfectly capable of doing the job. How shocking that people are still thinking like this in 2021.

Nuttymonkey · 21/10/2021 12:25

I think I'd need to give some feedback to this plonker about asd and finding eye contact hard, and his comment could be discrimination!
Honestly I wouldn't over think this, I'd like to know how many people have perfect eye contact without ever having to think about it...
I was analysing myself the other day whilst speaking to a teacher... Realised the teacher was looking away a fair bit whilst talking, I was doing the same whilst talking but then I felt like when I was listening I was perhaps doing this hard stare thing so then felt like I needed to look away occasionally... Then I'm needing to keep up with the conversation and my brain thoughts...
Then I got home and thought a out all of this and then told myself off for over thinking this all!!!
I wonder how many people don't even think about these things.... Maybe by 'eye contact' becoming a 'thing' we've all suddenly become over thinkers about it! And his comment I guess might help you brush up skills for the interview I guess.... But it could also just cause more anxiety about it!
However, perhaps mirroring the person doing the interview might help... Although then the brain is preoccupied doing that too!

NeverTheHootenanny · 21/10/2021 12:33

I’m crap with eye contact. I tend to make sure that I have something to keep looking back at, like some notes or something then I’ve got a reason to break eye contact occasionally so it doesn’t become too intense. Interviews are usually a panel rather than 1 on 1 which I think helps as you can keep switching eye contact between people.

But don’t get into your own head about it too much, I think it was unfair of him to make you so conscious of it. Just be yourself, you need to be able to be authentic in your job, if they don’t hire you because of something so insignificant then it probably isn’t the right place for you anyway.

brokenbiscuitsx · 21/10/2021 12:39

@Hullbilly

What about those who have a cat and a dog?
I was about to say, I must be a very odd according to this whacko
EThreepwood · 21/10/2021 12:47

What's your greatest weakness?

Sometimes I struggle with eye contact when I'm talking one to one. I can present to a group of 500 with ease and I've appeared on radio, but when it's an intimate conversation I've been told I struggle with the right amount of eye contact.
But I am aware of it and I'm working on addressing this problem.

Etinoxaurus · 21/10/2021 13:28

I reckon it’s a zoom thing!
I was talking to a colleague yesterday, quite an intense conversation where I was supporting her and she was constantly talking to her reflection at 90 degrees to me 😬
I also had a client pull me up on poor eye contact on a zoom call last week, never been a problem before irl but 18 months of artificial rapport building via screen and I’m lost!

Original poster
SarahDippity · 21/10/2021 13:38

@EThreepwood

What's your greatest weakness?

Sometimes I struggle with eye contact when I'm talking one to one. I can present to a group of 500 with ease and I've appeared on radio, but when it's an intimate conversation I've been told I struggle with the right amount of eye contact.
But I am aware of it and I'm working on addressing this problem.

That’s a good way of framing it!
OP posts:
timtam23 · 21/10/2021 13:43

I was told that if you gaze at the area of someone's mouth/chin it isn't the intense "hard stare" eye contact which some people find too much, but it does look as if you are meeting their gaze.
I use this at work as I work in a role where intense continuous eye contact can be a bit unsettling for people

brokenbiscuitsx · 21/10/2021 13:49

@timtam23

I was told that if you gaze at the area of someone's mouth/chin it isn't the intense "hard stare" eye contact which some people find too much, but it does look as if you are meeting their gaze. I use this at work as I work in a role where intense continuous eye contact can be a bit unsettling for people
I’m not sure, I can definitely tell if someone is looking at my mouth/chin/forehead. I’m not bothered by it as such, it just makes me wonder what’s wrong or if something is there that shouldn’t be, a ‘do I have chocolate around my mouth’ kind of thought (but that’s probably my own quirks/paranoia coming into play)
Marelle · 21/10/2021 14:11

I was told that if you gaze at the area of someone's mouth/chin it isn't the intense "hard stare" eye contact which some people find too much, but it does look as if you are meeting their gaze
Staring at someone’s lips makes them think you want to kiss them. That’s what pickup artists do.

MiniTheMinx · 21/10/2021 14:14

@LanisHouseLot

I was always told 3 seconds looking at their left eye, then 3 seconds at their right eye, then 3 seconds looking at their chin. Rinse and repeat. It apparently gives the right amount of break from eye contact, but without staring away from them completely, and the moving between the eyes breaks up the hard intense stare thing. I can't vouch for it though because I hate eye contact t and avoid at all costs!
My manager does this. Its odd, it feels disparaging or dismissive. I've watched, she does it to everyone.

I don't like eye contact if its sustained too long. I tend to look down or over someone's shoulder. I tend to fidget. But then I will look up and give eye contact. I am aware also that I can unsettle people, I will listen and maybe have no response bar agreement which I might nod to, or if I disagree fix them with quite intense eye contact. I work in an environment where psychodynamic group theory and practice is a thing. Doesn't seem to have disadvantaged me. I wouldn't take too much notice of his observations.

Ormally · 21/10/2021 14:17

@Marelle

I’m afraid I would point out that he’s discriminating against disabled people who may be neurodiverse and struggle with eye contact, but are perfectly capable of doing the job. How shocking that people are still thinking like this in 2021.
This. I'd be changing recruiter tomorrow, and I would definitely give this feedback.
flowersmakeitbetter · 21/10/2021 14:20

He also asked if I’d a cat (I do shock) and said that dog people are good at maintaining a warm, friendly demeanour, whereas cat people are either watching butterflies over someone’s shoulder or doing the Hard Stare.

You're taking advice from a recruiter who comes out with shit like this?

Err...... I think he's the one that needs advice not you.

Yes, maybe you do need to make better eye contact but don't overthink it. You'll get the right job.

PigeonLittle · 21/10/2021 14:27

He sounds like a total shithead to be honest.

Sittingonabench · 21/10/2021 14:32

I think you may be overthinking it. In a recruitment situation the person on the other end is trying to make a connection with you - looking away is normal especially when thinking. It’s probably quite a difficult thing to fix without seeming regimented but maybe when a person is asking you a question look at their mouth/forehead - not direct eye contact. Then while thinking look away and while answering make eye contact with a smile. Try looking down at the table if you feel uncomfortable so that they can see your still in the conversation. I find eye contact really important so would be uncomfortable if someone was looking around the room lots but if you do get a chance to address it as a pp has posted that would be helpful as if I knew it was a challenge for someone generally (and not just me/lack of interest in the conversation), I would be able to understand and challenge any internal bias that this was having on my opinion as to whether you could do the job (people sometimes aren’t aware of their bias in relation to to social ques unless it is pointed out in such a way)

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