Do you know of anyone not very nice but seems to have a lot of friends?

[Poetrypatty]

Just pondering this really. I vaguely know someone who in my own experience has been quite unpleasant to me but seems to have lots of friends. Just wondering if this is a common thing really. Maybe it's that that person just has a problem with me and is nice to others. Or do you think sometimes people can be not that nice but still have quite a few friends?

I had a friend that I've recently distanced myself from.

She is a person who on first impressions is very bubbly, good fun and always up for a good time - ie easy going and easy to be around. Also generous with hospitality etc. And those traits of hers were very nice.

But I started to realise that she would talk about other people, including a lot of people that I'd never met or had only met briefly, and say quite horrible things about them. I started to wonder what she was saying about me behind my back.

She's very popular though. I know some people say stuff such as "oh these people don't have real friends" but I'm afraid they do. And to not agree is just wishful thinking.

I've picked up quite a few friends over the years (none from school, too shy!) I am outgoing and people seem to want to talk to me....except my parents. Does this mean I mustn't be very nice? Or perhaps it's circumstances and not everyone we meet will be a lifelong friend?
I find the obsession on mumsnet with people's friends or lack thereof bizarre. Mainly it seems to be multiple posts trying to find fault with anyone with more than one lifelong friend and loudly proclaiming how introverted everyone is or should be.

@Neveratruerfriend I could have written your post word for word. Met a “Mum” friend seemed really fun. Everyone liked her. I’ve come to realise though she clearly uses people to get things, and when she’s got that she moves on to the next person. In my case it was getting in with other school parents at the school.

She’s set up a business and Facebook is full of people saying how amazing she is. The business is a craft business but she just rips off other designs from the internet.

As you say she says a lot behind people’s backs and I’m surprised it hasn’t caught up with her. It’s fascinating to watch from a far now and see who her next victim will be.

Yes I do, the person I know is a narcissist, can be very charming. Also, mil shes a cow.

@JustGiveMeGin
I find the obsession on mumsnet with people's friends or lack thereof bizarre.

Why? We all talk about relationships with our partners, our families, work colleagues as it's part of being human. Often we're trying to make sense of what is happening or how people are reacting to us. And the best way to do that is to talk to other people (or seek advice and thoughts from a community like MN).

Why are friendships any different? Most of us have them. Most of them are very important to people. Often people can feel let down and hurt and it's too easy to undermine the importance of good, stable friendships and how painful the loss of them can be.

Hopefully we are all understanding and accepting when people have issues with their partners, but can't we extend this to people and their friendships too?

Maybe it’s much the same as the poisonous queen of the little coven of bullies at my senior school. She had load of ‘friends’, aka girls who sucked up to her, and went along with whatever she said or did, because they were petrified of being next in her vicious line of fire.

My ex colleague would suddenly decide she didn't like someone. Even if that person hadn't done anything wrong she would make up some silly reason why they had upset her and completely ghost them, or turn others against them and ruin their reputation. It would be so predictable, she would talk about how lovely such and such person is, then suddenly one day turn her nose up at them and seemed to enjoy watching them suffer. Yet, strangely , she always had a queue of people waiting to fill the void left and she would always brag about how popular she was and how she was a real 'people person'.

I’ve wondered about this a lot as well. Here is how I understand it:

The Queen Bee has less hesitancy about approaching people they don’t know, due to their entitlement. They purposely latch onto people they see as weak and love bomb them and then start to use them. Some of the people that give them pushback from the start will become their real friends, likely because they are similar. This gives them a large number of friends of varying levels of closeness. The love bombing means an acquaintance can suddenly find themselves in the best friend position.

The Queen Bee always plays the victim despite their own poor behaviour, and because their friends are like them, they take turns supporting each other and not looking at situations objectively. It’s always the other person that is at fault, no matter how much evidence to the contrary is presented.

Some of the Queen Bee’s friends will see what is going on, but since they don’t want to be the one attacked, they will continue to fawn over the Queen Bee. From time to time, the Queen Bee will assert their position when they are surrounded by their friends by being nasty to someone they see as below. This assures their followers that by being with the Queen Bee, they are better off. Had the Queen Bee been alone with this person however, they would have received the love bomb treatment.

It basically comes down to entitlement. They believe they are better and act this way. Other people are attracted to them when they are love bombed and treated as though they are better too. Other people avoid being the one attacked by staying loyal to the Queen Bee.

@JustGiveMeGin

I've picked up quite a few friends over the years (none from school, too shy!) I am outgoing and people seem to want to talk to me....except my parents. Does this mean I mustn't be very nice? Or perhaps it's circumstances and not everyone we meet will be a lifelong friend? I find the obsession on mumsnet with people's friends or lack thereof bizarre. Mainly it seems to be multiple posts trying to find fault with anyone with more than one lifelong friend and loudly proclaiming how introverted everyone is or should be.

I agree to an extent.

There are some sad posts about loneliness, but in some of them it’s clear that the lonely person struggles with basic social skills, is far too desperate for friends to the point where she’s lunging at people without even considering what they’re like, or is a people-pleaser leading her to trot about doing favours for people she neither likes no respects but being hurt anyway when they don’t invite her to things.

I do think Mn by its nature as an online forum is populated by a higher than average number of people who struggle with friendships, or are unusually isolated. (Interestingly, many of these people are married. I’m always interested in how they manage to date, sustain a longterm relationship etc when they profess to be unable to form or maintain friendships.)

I agree that there seems to be an odd assumption that if you’re popular, or even if you don’t regard the school run with fear and horror, you’re almost certainly an asshole, or at least a fickle, status-obsessed Queen Bee. The most popular people I know are popular because they’re good to be around.

Yes! My SIL. DH and I are no contact now. I've never known a more selfish, spiteful, nasty person. Yet she has a lot of friends, I've seen people literally fawning over her, she's always getting flowers or other little bits dropped off by someone or another, is always the centre of attention in a group, I just don't get it and why other people don't see her for who she really is. She is very pretty and petite though, which I think probably masks a lot.

Certainly not basing it on them being popular Riada or saying that people who are popular can't be nice I'm just thinking in this case about someone who I've witnessed being unpleasant and unkind, and yet often has people running around for them doing things, and appears to have lots of friends. Just wondering how that dynamic works. I've found the thread very interesting so thanks to everyone who's posted.

@riada I do think Mn by its nature as an online forum is populated by a higher than average number of people who struggle with friendships, or are unusually isolated. (Interestingly, many of these people are married. I’m always interested in how they manage to date, sustain a longterm relationship etc when they profess to be unable to form or maintain friendships.)

I've often wondered about the marriage thing too. I've always found making friends difficult, I would have friends but I was always a periphery member of friendship groups. But yet I've always found romantic relationships to come really easily? As easy as friendships are hard. It's so odd. I've had repeating patterns of it throughout my life. I'd love to understand why.

They are what I call the golden child in adult form and always want their own way and play off people. She is quite manipulative

[quote ComeTheFuck0nBridget]**@riada I do think Mn by its nature as an online forum is populated by a higher than average number of people who struggle with friendships, or are unusually isolated. (Interestingly, many of these people are married. I’m always interested in how they manage to date, sustain a longterm relationship etc when they profess to be unable to form or maintain friendships.)

I've often wondered about the marriage thing too. I've always found making friends difficult, I would have friends but I was always a periphery member of friendship groups. But yet I've always found romantic relationships to come really easily? As easy as friendships are hard. It's so odd. I've had repeating patterns of it throughout my life. I'd love to understand why.[/quote]
That's interesting -- do you have male friends, as well as romantic relationships with men (assuming you're straight?)

I'd like to hope, as Raida said, that the most popular people are that because they're good to be around.

If that is the case, they must be doing something to make them particularly attractive to other people. Sure we can all learn and improve people skills, such as how to show interest in other people and be good listeners etc. But like all skills, I think some people are naturally blessed with more talent than others, and that goes for the skill of being able to make friends too.

So those of you who are naturally gifted at being people-persons, you will probably have more friends than average and certainly me

Those of us who are mediocre in this department will have fewer friends and probably more friendship crises. But we will be able to form a long-term, happy and sustainable relationship with just one other person.

I knew somebody who has a series/lot of very short term "friends." No long-term friends. On account of not being very nice at all.

Yes, always the ones with loads of friends are utterly horrible.
Luckily I am very rarely befriended by people like them. They seem to know I can see through them so steer clear.

@riada I'm actually bisexual, which makes it even stranger because it's not a man vs women thing, I don't get along better with men overall for example. I've found similar friendship patterns with men and women, for example I feel that I get dropped really easily, like out of the blue I'll just stop hearing from the friend, no fall outs or arguments beforehand, and be kind of left wondering why, and that's happened multiple times with men and women.

And I've been able to have romantic relationships easily with both men and women. I've never struggled to find someone to date, generally treat really well, etc

My SIL is super kind and generous, but also occasionally a mean bully, her close family are scared of.
I think there are 2 sides to a lot of people.

I make sure I keep my distance from her, seeing how she occasionally treats her grandparents, siblings and children.

Perhaps there are a lot of people like her.

Yep.

The biggest c*nt i've ever met in my life is really quite popular. I'm certain it's down to the fact people are intimidated by them so stick to their side loyally.

Yes, she's a multiple faced user who has slept with everyone's partner in the friendship group aside from 2 people yet everyone seems to adore her and if the slightest doubt is proffered by anyone as to her integrity they are cast as nasty in the social group. Bizarre.

Yes I know a few. Someone I know has so many friends it's baffling but I think her definition of friends is very different from mine, she calls anyone a mate even if she's only met them a couple of times whereas I think the title friend needs to be earned. She's extremely vacuous, narcissistic and superficial. What I have worked out is other women tend to distance themselves after a while all her "close" friends are male and she maintains those friendships by being extremely flirtatious. Unsurprisingly when said male friends get girlfriends the girlfriends are none too keen over their female "best" friend draping themselves over their partner and freezing them out at every opportunity.

@Whitechocpizza

Yes, always the ones with loads of friends are utterly horrible. Luckily I am very rarely befriended by people like them. They seem to know I can see through them so steer clear.

That makes no sense, unless you genuinely believe everyone else in the world is too blinkered/intimidated/uncritical where these people are concerned, and you’re the only one to see through them.

People stay friends with them cause they are scared to be on the wrong side of them

Riada
The type of people who hang on to these popular but not very nice people are actually blinkered/intimidated/uncritical. Usually a mix of the three.
I'm obviously not the only person who can see through them or OP wouldn't have started the thread.